sean: week two

could he look more uncomfortable???

SA: I think Sarah (the girl with 1.5 arms) is really sweet. However, if you noticed when she got the first date card, no one in the house said anything bitchy like they usually do. They all just said bullshit things like, "she's so cute" "I love her" Does this mean that I am just as susceptible to the manipulation of ABC as these women and we all think the one armed girl is a saint because what else can we say about her? Probably. But also, she really does seem like a little darling. Side note: I would not have jumped off that building for all the money in the...oh wait they do not pay bachelor contestants.

JA: Fully agreed. Although I could really do without her and the cameramen reminding me every five seconds that she has one arm. I also thought her story about zip lining in Vegas with her dad and her dad saying "you need a guy who can support you during tough moments like these involving daredevil stunts" was a little...convenient. I'm like, Sarah, if we pull the transcript, I'm gonna bet he didn't actually say that.

SA: Here's the rub with Sarah -  she said she's looking for a life full of adventure and that's why she and her last bf broke up. I'm afraid she's barking up the wrong tree again with Sean. The closest he's ever come to adventure is going on a date with a girl with one arm. Unless she wants to spend the rest of her life playing with his niece in her large cottage, in which case - he's her guy!

JA: Yeah...I don't know how these girls are concluding that life with Sean is a thrill ride. Yes, a life with Sean that is subsidized by ABC and produced by television professionals with years of story editing experience is a thrill ride. But yeah. Other than that, you're stuck having tea parties with Kensington Paddington Waddington whatever her name is. (Still hating on that toddler cottage that's bigger than my apartment, though. Still haven't let that go.)

SA: On to the group date - I think it's a tad unfair to put the model on a modeling group date. It would be like if the date were seeing who was the best at operating jumbotrons, then that girl who got kicked off last week would be like, "yeah, I got this!" My other thought is that the model's agent set up this book cover deal for her months ago. Then there was a schedule conflict when she was cast on bachelor town and they said, fuck it - let's make it group date!

JA: Hahahahahaha once again, your explanation is the simplest, so Occam's Razor says it's right. I also think they stacked the deck against some of the girls. I mean, one of the categories was literally called "sexy." The historical and cowgirl ones weren't terribly unfair -- if you end up in one of those, it's up to you to make it work. But...vampire??? Note to producers: Amanda doesn't need anyone's help looking creepy and scary. Do you WANT her to go home?

SA: The political consultant is sups cute and seems like a real person except that their kiss was the most lifeless frog face I've ever seen.

JA: Oh that was so so tragic. Sean needs another lesson with Arie. I'm like, um, you're the Bachelor. You can't send signals to the girl that you "wouldn't mind" a kiss. You have to nut up and go in for it. I feel like this is the beginning of what we were worried would happen. The girls will be clueless as to whether or not Sean is actually into them. Also, as to whether or not Sean has a penis. (I'm lining up shot glasses for the night when our drinking game word is "connect.")

SA: I'm sad to see the yoga instructor with big hair leave, but it's good she's smart enough to realize that the bachelor mansion is about as far away from zen as it gets.

JA: Agreed. Although I am worried that the exotic birds of southern California will have a hard time now that their nest has gone home.

SA: Kacie B. whose career is listed as "Ben's Season", gets the rose for successfully getting out of the 'friend zone' with Sean. I think she watched Ben's season multiple times trying to figure out how she lost and now is doing her best Courtney impression. I loved Kacie on Ben's season but seeing her here makes me think her only requirement for a husband is having been the bachelor, because besides for being okay with public humiliation, Ben and Sean have NOTHING in common.

JA: Absolutely nothing. She's confirmed herself as the girl who will just marry any Bachelor. They should have one season where the Bachelor is actually just a large cantaloupe in a suit. Kacie will definitely be the last one to catch on. She'll be talking to the cantaloupe and flirting with it and bringing it home to meet her family and crying a lot when she feels like it's not connecting with her. (Just took a shot, btw....does it not work when I'm the one who says the drinking game word?)

SA: Desiree is adorable and I love how he calls her Des, but he didn't fool her for a second with the bad art prank. I think it's a little creepy how much Sean loves pranking women. It's like he never grew out of flirting elementary school style. Probably because he's as close to a virgin as a non virgin gets. She is my early favorite but I think we saw in a preview that she has a boyfriend at home so I'll try and not get too attached.

JA: Yeah, and the producers clearly love her too. She's the total package -- cute, funny, charming, very easy on the eyes, but still brings the drama with a boyfriend from back home. I feel like there's going to be so much fun to be had watching that episode that I'm literally salivating. You know, just like when Daniella said there was "literally a tornado of negativity in the house." I loved your comment about that, though: "Come on, Josh. Did you expect her to say there was 'figuratively' a tornado of negativity?" 

SA: I was gearing up for a really interesting conversation about race at the rose ceremony but then Sean just said, "I like black women" and that seemed to be enough to please Robyn, the oilfield account manager. We also learn Sean's last girlfriend was black and that his only requirement for a wife is that she's 'sweet' which is odd because he seems to like Terra the most and she's about as far from sweet as Campari.

JA: "Sweet" is not a requirement for a wife. "Sweet" is a requirement for how some people like their wine. As I said when we watched it, I thought it was a genius, near-Machiavellian move on Robyn's part to have that conversation. Because it trapped him completely and entirely. If he cut her after that, he would have looked like a total bigot. So she guaranteed that she's at least around for two more weeks. Very well played, Lady Backflip.

I just...can't get past my nagging suspicion that Sean did not have a black ex-girlfriend. I want to see her. I want to meet her. I want there to be an hour-long special on ABC called "The Bachelor: Sean's Black Ex-Girlfriend Tells All." And by hour-long, I mean forever-long. And I want Chris Harrison to take audience questions so I can put my one journalism class from college to good use. I'd ask tons of follow-ups. TONS.

Okay, now I'm going off the grid because I'll be spending the next several days testing the limits of Google's capacity with constant and merciless searches for Sean's Black Ex-Girlfriend (whom I'm henceforth calling SBEx. Makes it easier to tweet about her that way.)

Til next week friends...