FINALE!!!! DES AND CHRIS!!!!

All's well that ends well in bachelor nation where princesses can come from nothing to have their heart broken (brooks), teach a robot to love (drew) and end up with their prince (chris) all in the same week!

SA: So let me just say that I loved this finale and I cried real tears. And not just because the cat brought out a mouse into my house midway through the show and my mom and I had to stop watching while she chased it out and I stood on a ledge. These were tears of joy for Chris and Des. Maybe the front runner should always back out and leave the lass to choose the guy who’s actually right for her.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

That first scene with Chris Harrison was rough. When he asked her how she was doing and her response was the meek, teary, "I'm okay until someone asks." What she really should have said was, "I'm fi'n miserable you dip shit, being made more miserable by the fact that I am still forced to pose on the balcony looking out hopefully over the sea...and talk to you about my feelings, which we all found out yesterday are about as solid as dog turds."

But then CH manipulated her into continuing with the show and I just thought, I can't believe this poor girl has to go to a rose ceremony of all things right now.

JA: Who knew that after such a boring season, I’d be so breathlessly anticipating this finale? Also, I’m with you, Fia. I’ve been pronouncing the “gua” in Antigua like “guacamole.” But Chris Harrison pronounced it differently, and what Chris says goes.

I love that when Des says she’s okay, Chris gives her a look like, “Oh honey. You’re so not. The producers and I have made sure of that.” And you’re right; he totally manipulated her into continuing. But that’s his job as the host. Chris is such a pro. But you know what? Welcome to real life, Des, where sometimes you have to learn to love your second choice. Can you tell I’m having a really upbeat summer?

Chris looked so sweet and I believed him when he told her he wanted to go hug her but didn't out of respect to Drew. Drew looked like the CGI character we all know he is inside - does this guy have a walk on in the SMURFS sequel?

When she said Drew's name did anyone else get a flashback to Julie's burning love season when she threw the roses at the remaining dudes while crying? Des could barely choke out Drew's name. But I did see a little smile when she gave one to Chris.

Yeah, that was the most awkward Rose Ceremony ever, made even more awkward by a weird Navajo rug. Is this a callback to Week Two? Do you think they turned her Navajo bag full of dreams into a Navajo rug that the men now walk over? #metaphor

PS If we go to a live finale, we are guaranteed to get asked questions in the studio audience. We represent Bachelor Nation in all its “diversity.” Also did you notice that there are about six people who are fans of Drew?

Way to get back on the horse Des, literally. What brilliant PA came up with that - putting her on an actual horse. Brillz.

Sigh…are these the best midriff tops Des could find? And the fact that I just called them midriff tops…does that make me an old lady?

Also I am so glad that she is as over Drew as the rest of us. After someone breaks your heart you just can't pretend to make out with anymore overgrown toddlers. And to get a cheezballs, the way she dumped Drew so immediately gave me hope that what's about to happen with Chris is real. This girl has a 0 bullshit tolerance moving forward.

I’m so glad she got rid of Drew early on. But the upside? Maybe this is what Drew needed to see that the universe’s plan for his life is…men. Aww, now I really want her to be with Chris. If Brooks comes back to eff this up, I’m gonna be pissed. Dance with the one who brung ya, Des. ‘Cuz if you can’t be with the one you love… Also, thank you, Des, for showing us how to really break up with someone. You rip the Band-Aid off. You don’t sit there and hug them and say “I don’t love you” over and over again for three whole segments (looking at you, Brooks).

I mean is this season a classic rom com or what? Drew wants Des, Des wants Brooks, Brooks isn't into her and she ends up with the best friend we were all rooting for from the beginning. Was this season actually Nora Ephron's last piece of work? Lucky Guy was just a fake out?

Fia, that is maybe the best call of the season. I hope you walked out of the room after you typed that, because…brilliant.

I think Chris is a good fit for her, and I’ve thought so ever since he first arrived and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit. But now that we’re back in his hotel room, he better not bust out any more poetry. I just really don’t know what I’ll do if there’s another poem. I am nervous, though, because we have a whole other hour to go in this finale.

I am so happy when I see these two together, they have won me over. Even Des's coked out brother whom the producers asked to bring up Brooks (as if he would ever have remembered his name on his own) can't stop this train from moving into Neil Lane station.

NEIL LANE!!! NEIL LANE!!! I still feel a little shitty for Chris, though. He’s proposing to a girl never having known that he’s her sloppy seconds. She’d better tell him.

Also, they seem to have Nate on fewer drugs this time around. Megan seems to think that Nate would make a very interesting Bachelor. And I agree. Could you imagine what a prick he’d be during those Rose Ceremonies?

I even kind of like dress she's wearing. I'm calling this as one that's gonna last. I've been wrong before but this finale made me feel all kinds of good feelings. 

I agree. I was super cynical about the whole thing, but good on Des for spinning the whole “I was in love with another guy two days ago” problem into “My feelings for him kept me from seeing what I had in front of me all along.” That’s a smooth move. I think the real winner of this season, though, is Matt White (I had to look up his name). He’s the guy who did the live date-concert version of that song “Love and Affection”…and then it basically ended up becoming the Bachelorette theme song. Matt White wins.

And next season we have a whole lotta Juan Pablo to look forward to. See you there!!!

January can’t come soon enough! What’s the over-under on how long it’ll take Juan Pablo to trot out and exploit his daughter? Also, what’s his baby mama situation? I have a lot of research to do.

DES WEEK NINE - FANTASY SUITE FAIL

it's over.

Here we go with Fantasy Suites. Someone’s gonna break Des’s heart… #tearsinantigua  I love opening with Des in yet another pair of brightly colored cutoffs, serving you Titanic realness at the front of a boat. And we’re reliving all the highlights. What a journey we’ve been on this season!

OK for realz, have I been pronouncing Antigua (gua like guacamole right?) incorrectly my whole life or is Des (ga like lady gaga)? I kind of feel like I must be wrong bc wouldn't a PA let her know if she was the one making the mistake? Help, anyone? 

First up, Chris and his awful poems. Who was it who smartly said that their first gift to each other should be a rhyming dictionary? And then Gay Drew. What else is there to say except that straight guys don’t put that much work into their abs? And I guess it’s not a season of the Bachelor(ette) without exploiting someone with a mental or physical handicap. But the way she talked about Brooks in that recap package just sealed Brooks’s fate.

This whole episode is like a horror movie where you know someone is going to die and you are just waiting to see when it happens and how gruesome it's going to be, but either way - you know it's coming.

Honestly, Drew and Des have zero chemistry for me. I think it’s weird when they kiss. I think it’s weird when he talks.  And I don’t believe that she feels the “love come from his lips.” Although the rain is a bonus for them because they get to go straight to the Fantasy Suite. All I could think during this was, imagine if it had rained on Emily and Arie’s overnight date and they had to fast-forward to the Fantasy Suite??? What do you think Drew and Des did that night in the Suite, besides each other’s hair? Like, I literally imagine that he has a Ken Doll Mound down there where his genitalia should be.

My thoughts exactly J.

As soon as they showed Brooks in Idaho, I started getting nervous. He’s getting caught up in his head about his feelings for Des, which ironically in my mind means that it’s actually real. I wanted to yell at the TV, “OF COURSE YOU HAVE DOUBTS!!” This is what happens when you leave Bachelor World and step back into Real Life.

Okay I am of two minds about this - the first is similar to yours, J. No shit you don't want to propose to someone you've only known six weeks and have probably spent a total of twelve hours with. On the other hand this situation is designed to manipulate people into thinking they are in love with a person they would never be in love with in the real world. Either way Brooks resistance speaks to his character but does it mean that his relash with Des could flourish in the real world or is it infinitely wrong as he can't even make it work in fantasy land?

Back to the island, back to the Production Jeeps. I’ll say it again: Chris and Des look like a real couple to me. But then again, so did Sean and Lindsay. And look what happened there. But this helicopter ride is pretty cool. Certainly better than the last helicopter ride with James, when they were staring at hurricane wreckage instead of a Caribbean paradise. You know what would make this a really interesting show? If the helicopter NEVER CAME BACK FOR THEM. Then we’ll see what this relationship is REALLY made of. But instead we just get a reenactment of “From Here to Eternity.”

I'm only gonna say it once but what is with that fringed vest and bikini top combo with khakis??

I found this dinner convo really interesting. Chris is like, “Look. After this I have to go back to my actual life to people who pay me. So get on board with Seattle.” I’m like, Des. Your family doesn’t even like each other. And you don’t like LA.

I think Chris is so cute. He is my new favorite. I totally agree they are the only ones who look like a couple and are so natural together. If this franchise wants another marriage producers should step in and force her to choose Chris. Maybe after Brooks leaves they will let her watch all these episodes back and she will see it too. 

But for now Des, if you know you are in love with someone else don't lead this guy on and tell him you are willing to move to Seattle.

I love the different fantasy suites for each guy. That way Chris doesn’t have to deal with Drew’s stink. However, we do have to deal with the stink of more bad middle school poems.

Oh man enough with the poems already.

Damn, Des. Not gonna hate on that body. You can wear as many pairs of bad cutoffs as you want. Little do you know what you’re in for. I’m trying to concentrate on this Brooks-Chris convo (and don’t worry, Fia, I’m NOT fast-forwarding), but Chris keeps this look on his face like someone just farted. My favorite Chris quote: “I know you don’t wanna hurt her, but…AS A MAN, it’s the conversation you need to have.” Way to go, Chris. Why hasn’t he written a book???

Des's abs are amazing. But sadly, not enough to change's B's mind. And Uh-oh Brooks just shared his trauma card with Chris Harrison instead of with Des. Bad sign, maybe the worst.

Watching someone get dumped, even if it’s a breakup of a month-long, producer-created, ABC-subsidized television relationship, is excruciating. This Des interview where she’s describing how much fun she and Brooks are gonna have today and how she feels about him, not knowing what’s about to happen….this is a triumph of story producing. I feel like puking.

That moment on Des’s face when she figures out what’s coming. Ouch. And Brooks giving her the whole “you’re a much better person than I am” speech. Double ouch. He tells her, “I want to be in love with you” and then asks her why she’s crying. Triple ouch. (Her removing her legs from his lap as she realizes she's being dumped - quadruple ouch!) Brooks, this is not how you dump someone. You don’t hold a girl and cry and touch your hair and be really amazing to her while you rip her heart out. She even came up with an entire running metaphor to try to tell you she loved you when she was contractually obligated not to say the words directly. Stop. Hugging. Her. Even if you have real feelings for Des and think that this show forced your hand, it doesn’t matter. It’s now cruel. Because she’s basically saying, “I’m in love with you and I was ABOUT TO PICK YOU.”

He has to come back, right? How can this season end any other way??? We can't possible believe she ends up with the likes of DREW after she just outright told us she's been acting with everyone else. 

Gosh, Fia, now I’m thinking about your text to me. I don’t know if they bring him back or not. After all this, there’s no way she can pick either of the other two. There’s no way. Especially now that it’s common knowledge that Brooks was already the winner. If she picks no one, will they try to give her another season somewhere down the road? Will she even have the stomach for that??

JOSH! WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Good thing we get to find out tonight.

Til then - continue on your journeys!