sean: week eight FANTASY SUITE

don't F*** with me 

JA: OVERNIGHT DATES!!!! I wanna go on an overnight date with Sean. I bet he’s fun in a pillow fight.

SA: I tried to watch this last night and fell asleep during Lindsay's date. Was I this bored when it got down to three last season? The only thing I took away from this date was feeling like I can't take much more of Lindsay's voice (and please god don't let her be the next bachelorette), that I'd like to go to a monkey beach in Thailand, and that it doesn't matter how crazy the ladies are if the bachelor is this boring. Maybe Sean and Linds just have no chemistry? Someone get Lindsay as drunk as she was in the first episode or let's spend more time with the monkeys.

Oh, Lindsay. You’re starting to bore me. Then again, Sean has bored me since I first saw him in May 2012, so I guess it’s fitting. ABC-sponsored dates with Sean are such a roll of the dice. Either you’re getting earrings bought for you on your hooker date, or you’re forced to climb a rock like you’re trapped in 127 Hours, or you’re having a picnic in a blizzard, or you’re eating grasshoppers. So at dinner, Linds, let's turn this around. Who cares how afraid you are to tell him you love him? Put up or shut up, Army Brat. (Also, is there a girl who’s like the opposite of the Grease Girl? Cuz Sean’s getting awfully shiny at dinner, even shinier than normal.)

What heartbreak!! The moment came and she didn’t say it!!! This is just like that part in My Best Friend’s Wedding (one of my top 10 movies of ALL TIME) when Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney are on that boat cruising the Chicago River and the moment comes and she DOESN’T TELL HIM SHE LOVES HIM!!! Her fate was sealed in that moment. Don’t be Julia Roberts, Linds!! TELL HIM!! Okay, good. You told him.

Uh-oh. Here comes Ashlee. She wears me out. And I am not looking forward to her having another moment of “I’m relinquishing control.” How many times can we see that? “Control” is my new drinking game word (except I’m drinking Diet Pepsi, since I gave up le booze for Lent). Also, I feel like swimming into a dark underwater cave on a deserted island off the coast of Thailand is outside the comfort zone of just about everyone on earth, with the possible exception of the characters on Lost.

Finally AshLee's back is what I say. She is so intense that at least it's good TV. I'm really feeling the chemistry between these two, but maybe that's just because US Weekly lied to me. Or maybe it's that AshLee's overwhelming needs and anxiety are making up for Sean's lack of any emotions whatsoever. Either way, she looks way prettier than she did at the beginning of the season, her hair still looks great in the thai humidity and I believe she actually wants to marry and have babies with this simple Texan and live his simple, closeted life. Sean is about to make a huge mistake.

Also, can we just take a moment to compare this episode to the Overnights episode of Emily’s Bachelorette season? Sean is bringing all those girls back to the suite and they’re all having sparkling apple juice and playing rousing games of checkers. Emily literally revoked Arie’s Fantasy Suite invitation because she knew they’d be boning like rabbits within ten minutes.

Which they probably did anyway. If they'd never bumped groins, there's no way she would have picked Jef. 

Catherine is such a ray of sunshine after Abandonment Ashlee. I was about to drown myself in the bathtub until she came on screen. But it took about 5 seconds for Sean to voice his concerns about her wanting things like a “career” instead of just being a machine for churning out mini-Seans. Do you see her holding her nose as she says extra-vague things like “in five years, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a kid involved”? I’m with you, Fia. I think she started this with a hilarious drunk conversation with her friends that turned into a dare that turned into her applying just for a laugh that turned into her getting picked that turned into her being herself and continually winning roses because she was going up against a bunch of vapid automatons. And now it’s a little like, “How did I get here?” And to be honest, I’m totally rooting for her, despite the fact that she’d have to completely upend her life to become the Incubator for the Next Generation of Red-Faced Lowes. I just wanna see some interracial babies.

Interracial babies aside, I think Catherine should have gone home this week. Yes, they have chemistry. Yes, it seems like Sean likes her the most, yes I would rather get drinks with her than anyone else on the show (with the exception of Chris Harrison). But it's just so abundantly obvious that this engagement is not going to lead to a marriage and the bachelor franchise will have another failed relash on it's bloody, bloody hands. Catherine's sisters have already warned us that she's always in big at the beginning and that she has dreams of moving to New York. Catherine, sweetheart, those who are tired of Seattle do not move to Dallas. 

Can I fast-forward to the Rose Ceremony, since I already know who’s going home? No, I can’t. Because there are these really ridiculous video messages from each of Sean’s girlfriends. Predictably, Lindsay is somewhat boring, Catherine is adorkable, and Ashlee is…well…bawling.

To be honest, before they played these videos I assumed it would be Lindsay who was going home. There date was just so, 'meh'. But Sean is so 'meh' himself that I guess it was perfect. I didn't realize AshLee was on the chopping block until Sean said that he was worried the girl who was going home 'wouldn't be okay after'. Lindsay would have probably done body shots with some retired frat guys and Catherine would already have rented a room in Bushwick.

Sidenote: I feel bad for the girl who gets eliminated tonight. Flying all the way back from Thailand in coach is traumatic enough, but to be flying coach having just gotten dumped an hour before? ROUGH SAUCE. (ummm…Did Lindsay just drop an F-bomb? That makes her my new personal hero.)

I HAD THE SAME THOUGHT!!! I mean, for realz, public humiliation at this level deserves at least a first class plane bed.

And without further ado, the Rose Ceremony heard round the world. I thought US Weekly had spoiled it. But they were just being clever. In all seriousness, though: Is Ashlee on suicide watch? And I also think that subtitle got it wrong in the car confessional. I don’t think she says “it’s the ultimate reject.” I think she said “I’M the ultimate reject.” Suicide. Watch.

Best quotation of the night. AshLee's own personal blue steel, followed by giving Sean the ice treatment, a worried Lindsay turns to Catherine who responds, "She's a survivalist." That is what she said right? Even if it's not don't tell me. I want to keep the memory. 

The pros always say never to marry someone from whom you wouldn't want to be divorced. AshLee's reaction made me think maybe this is what Sean was thinking when he decided to send her home. I would like to give a shout out to AshLee's awesome boobs in this dress. Whoa nelly!

And is the finale really THREE HOURS LONG? Hold me.

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