sean: week seven HOMETOWNS

Doesn't Sean know you should never fight with someone who has more neck tattoos than you do?

JA: Hometowns!!! Before tonight’s quasi-live blog, a bit of housekeeping: I have to send big ups to the cover of Us Weekly for spoiling the final two. Stay classy, Us Weekly. Stay classy. Also the Grease Girl has not been given nearly enough to do these past few weeks. Not gonna lie – I’m a little disappointed.

SA: Ya and if you read the article (which obviously I didn't, who has time for that, right? right?)...but if by chance you happened to read it at the nail salon or possibly you thought that it might be funny joke to buy it for yourself to read on Valentines Day...then you would have read the "journalists" at US try to lie and say they don't know who the top two girls are AFTER having put only two of the four on the COVER. Nice try, US. Way to save your ass legally. 

And as for the grease girl...lay offs maybe? cut backs? ABC...please advise, is it no longer in your budget to employ a personal grease girl for Sean? Follow up - how will that poor lass get a new job with only 'grease girl' on her resume? How will future employers know that this was only an internship gone wrong and not something akin to Sean's 'pretty woman' themed date?

ASHLEE:

Really? You’ve been dreaming of bringing Sean home “for as long as you remember”? So, your memory only goes back six weeks? She is a bit much for me.

Remember when Ashlee CRIED as she recounted the Polar Bear Plunge? Ashlee thought it was a transformative, soul-baring experience, and Lindsay thought it was a sorority party.

And…the grilling begins. After watching Ashlee’s mother, I’m a little like, Dear Mom: when the time comes for me to compete with 24 other people for a man’s affection, please do not sit down with my potential TV-husband and describe in detail all my abandonment issues.

And I want Ashlee’s dad to be my dad. The story he told of meeting her at the kiddy pound was completely genuine and unsnarkable. If I had written that story in a script, everyone would be rolling their eyes, but here, it works. (Also, is it bad that I used the term “kiddy pound”? What do you call a pound when it’s full of toddlers instead of puppies?)

It's only wrong in that it's making me think of the pound puppies theme song as I attempt to recount this date...(for those of you who don't know the PP theme is a series of melodic barks...woof woof woof woof woof woof). AshLee's is so intense it makes me uncomfortable. She's so intense that I often forget how pretty she is due to her overwhelming intenseness. She's the kind of girl who you think you're having coffee with and then all of the sudden she's manipulated you into telling her what you don't like about yourself while she smiles - at least that's who she would be if I was writing her. As for her mom - ya, Josh, you said it. Re: her dad. I was honestly getting a little teary. When he recounted the story of adopting her and said, "I'm gonna have a hard time giving this one back." I thought it was so sweet and genuine and his own tears didn't hurt. And Josh, I disagree - if you wrote that in one of your plays, everyone would be balling.

CATHERINE:

I love Seattle. Full stop. Ashlee is intense and Catherine is fun. AND A-FREAKING-DORABLE. I’m allergic to fish and they still made me want to catch one. I’m getting romance. I’m getting photo booth. I’m getting cultural enlightenment. I’m getting fish tossing. I’m getting everything I ever wanted. And I’m already seeing their adorable biracial babies. OH GOD, ABC, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????

I'd like to point out that Sean wore what he thinks of as his 'cool outfit' to come to Seattle.  I'd also like to point out that it seems Catherine's date was planned by the tourism dept of Seattle and they did a great job. Sean looks like he's having the time of his life. I wanna go to Seattle immediately. Except for that gum wall thing - that is my worst nightmare. 

And then we get to the house. I feel like Catherine’s family is the Arie’s family of this season. They kept it real without being dramatic. And they acknowledged the fact that their daughter’s boyfriend has three other girlfriends. Maybe they shouldn’t have spilled the beans that Catherine is thinking semi-realistically and might have doubts about trading in her career as a graphic designer for a career being Sean’s Baby Factory. But as we say in the hood, at least they kept it one-hundred.

It seemed to be going well when they were all just hanging out and then when the producers were like, okay guys - now go into separate rooms and talk about marriage. My guess is that before Catherine left she said, "Hey guys, how funny would it be if I went on the Bachelor??" And they were all like "Yeah girl, that shit's hilarious." And now that she's in the final four and has been semi-brainwashed they are having to pretend like it's serious but you can tell they all still think it's a joke. Her mom's response to asking for her hand was the best parent response ever - ya let's just see shall we? 

LINDSAY:

I just realized that Lindsay isn’t constantly wasted; it’s just the way she talks. That, or she’s constantly wasted. I will say that the two of them are the most well-matched as far as sheer looks go. They just look like a couple.

And then we’re drinking MORE. Are they literally just wandering into every building in town? This seems less planned out than the other hometowns so far. I was expecting Lindsay to put Sean through some sort of military-style drills.

Wait. I swear I didn’t know that was gonna happen. Okay, now I really need to stop watching because I am thinking like a producer.

I'm gonna say it again - if Sean picks Lindsay he might actually get married - with any of the other girls it's not gonna happen. These two simpletons are perfectly matched. 

Okay, wow, Sean. Hold the phone. In your head, “I love you” means “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”? Am I just too jaded, or is that what that actually means? Fia, please advise. But Lindsay’s dad was also awesome. I totally followed his Army metaphor, sort of. My favorite part of the whole night might have been seeing what looked like Lindsay’s (apparently mute) little brother hugging Sean on his way out. It’s becoming abundantly clear that Des’s hometown plane ticket was one-way.

No, Josh, you were right. "I love you" does not mean I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But to be fair it does typically means "I am not dating anyone else". What poor Lindsay's mom doesn't know is that Sean contractually obligated to not say I love you to anyone until the finale.

DES:

Oh, wait. Des’s hometown is LA. So it must really have been weird for her to be trapped in that Bachelor house. Speaking of house, whose house is that? What does Des do, style brides? Is that how she affords that house?

And the moment we’ve been waiting for all season. But wait. It’s a prank done by a shitty actor. Well played, ABC. Honestly it might have fooled me if it had 1) gone on a little longer, and 2) been a better actor. And it did actually fool me when it was just a promo. Where were the auditions for that?

That actor was so bad. I kept thinking of what NY actors I would have preferred to have in his place. Greg Keller? Josh - suggestions? But props to Des for the prank. And props for the hike. Des, you are adorable.

Okay, this is now an open letter to Des’s brother. Dear Des’s Brother: you told Des that “a lot of guys are gonna make you happy, but that’s not what it’s about.” I’m gonna go on record and register my disagreement. I feel like that’s one hundred percent what it’s about. I also feel like someone should have sent you a few DVDs of some past episodes so you can get a handle on the premise of the show. You seemed shocked that Sean hasn’t made his choice yet while there were still four women left. Are you an actor? Trying to parlay this into as much screen time as possible? Or are you just high? You and your family officially weird me out. All of you. From your odd tats to your dad talking about seasons…weird. Totally weird. xoxo, Joshy

Last night while watching with the gals I said I really didn't understand where that brother came from since Des' parents seem like such nice California hippies. At which point Tess piped up that he must have fallen in with the wrong crowd at Venice Highschool. Nicely put, Tess. 

When this guy said that Sean was a playboy and Sean turned maroon and tried to calming say, "That's not me" I wanted him to go hulk and scream, "I don't even like women!! I'm only on this show to find a wife who doesn't disgust me, make babies and conform to my Christian faith's hetero-normative expectations!!!!! RAWR SEAN ANGRY." Then pound his chest.

But also, I would like to give props to not only Des's brother, but all these families for passing the bullshit test with flying colors. Way to make Sean squirm. When you go around the country asking four different families for their daughter's hand in marriage - you deserve to be a little uncomfortable. 

ROSE CEREMONY:

I’m feeling really bad for Des going into this. And boy, does ABC know how to ratchet up the drama. This music alone is giving me a seizure. But once again, it’s Chris Harrison for the win. “My advice to you tonight: get this right.” You TELL him, Chris.

Wait, why am I still in disbelief that Des is going home? Why am I still secretly hoping that Des can talk her way into ALL FOUR OF THEM getting invited to the Thailand Fantasy Suite to play Backgammon? Do you have to be a master manipulator like Ryan from Emily’s Season to talk your way into staying in the competition? Why do I think we haven’t seen the last of her? Am I just in denial? Most important question of all: will I be able to stop myself from live blogging “Sean Tells All” tonight?

I have to admit, I too thought we might be taking all four of these ladies to Thailand. Desiree to Bachelorette 2013? Anyone???

And yes, I'll be right there with you for Sean Tells All.