kaitlyn // week six

Death becomes her.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “chemistry.” Also, when Nick tells Kaitlyn, “I want to know every part of you,” just finish the whole goddamn bottle of wine.

First, we get to relive Ian voicing his opinion that everyone here is “on a vacation from life.” Unlike Ian, who is here for all the #rightreasons. This is so gross but it is fascinating television. He keeps saying over and over how he was expecting to meet a girl who was “crying from heartbreak.” What is his obsession with seeing Kaitlyn cry? The worst of it is that Kaitlyn played right into it, admitting that she is “not as deep” as Ian is. Kaitlyn, gurl, you must get better at recognizing when someone is just looking for their TV moment. Ian’s a psycho and he is most assuredly horrible in bed. He’s a 98% less hot, 215% less charismatic version of Patrick Bateman.

Sofia Alvarez: I was quite please / surprised that Kaitlyn did not hug Ian when he left. Too often on this show, the lead feels obligated to hug whatever douche bag just insulted her on his way out, and this was a welcome change. Let your body language reflect how you're really feeling, girl! More on that later, though.

AHHH! Ian's exit interview is so good. "If I were the bachelor, they'd be coming out of the woodwork." I love when the guys get say why they really came on the show in their exit interviews - looking at you, Ben from Des' season.

Okay, re: Ian and this who thing. Obviously, he has a screw loose or something but overall, I think the men have been way harsher on Kaitlyn this season than the men have been on past bachelorettes. But, I also think this is, depressingly, a result of the type of woman Kaitlyn is - modern, not a shrinking violet, crude etc. I could not imagine any man on this franchise talking to Desiree or Emily Maynard, the way these guys think they can talk to Kaitlyn. Dudes - you need to respect, whether the girl makes fart jokes or not.

These boys are hopeless. After Ian leaves in a huff, Nick is the one who thinks to go check on her? Shows the advantage that a season’s worth of Bachelorette experience can give you.

Even when he was a rookie, Nick knew how to play the game. Of course you should go check on the girl instead of talking to the other dudes about what just happened. Like, of course! Get it together, guys. You're giving these wins to Nick.

Okay, what is it with Kaitlyn and movie quotes? How many guys this season have mentioned that either in a rant (Ian, Kupah) or a tender moment (Nick, everyone else) as something that's important to her? Is quoting movies all these people do when the cameras are off?

Nick looks quite uncomfortable having this conversation on camera. He and Kaitlyn both keep looking over to it. This seems to be the only time, Nick has used "bachelor speak" in his relash with K. But, more on that later.

I was so happy to see Cupcake and his valet jacket get a rose tonight. (good thing you didn't have to pull that tooth, cupcake!) Also loved the Alamo-themed battle music for this ceremony. Someone in Post had fun with that. On the other hand, I am sad to see Joshua go home the same week that Kaitlyn made him look like a chemo patient with those clippers. They couldn’t have done that exit interview in the car? They had to do it within earshot of the Dublin celebrations? Cruel.

It's always so mean when they hear them cheer, but it's especially mean to do it to sweet, simple Joshua.

I love hearing all the guys gush about Ireland… “and oh yeah, I guess it would be cool to hang out with Kaitlyn too. But, uh, DUBLIN, tho.”

Meanwhile, this Nick date reminds me of Juan Pablo and Sharleen. No activities. No hot-air balloons. No extreme sports. Just walking around a city and making out against walls. Nick’s hands are all over her and they’re wearing Celtic wedding rings and day-drinking whiskey. Uh-oh. And did you catch that very sexy lip-biting move? Everyone at the bar must love that drunk tourist couple with their tongues down each other’s throats. These two are getting wasted and are definitely not eating their dinner.

I find it very telling that when they sat down at this bar, Kaitlyn drank whiskey because that's what Nick was having. First of all, Nick loves himself some whiskey. He learned it from Andi's dad and he's sticking to it. Secondly, we know that K is a white wine girl, she talks about it all the time and it's the only thing we've seen her drink with other dudes all season. This tells me that Kaitlyn wants Nick to think that she's cool, and that she doesn't have that "you might be my potential husband" comfort with him.

I’m glad that we were correct about predicting who would be the one to bone Kaitlyn. Nick may be a software salesman, but he’s proven time and again that he’s just as comfortable using his hardware. Hey-o! (He does kiss like a 10th-grader, though. He keeps doing that lip-biting thing, which is further proof that his older brother once told him it was something “girls really like.”) The intercutting between the sex and that awkward Jared-Shawn conversation was nothing short of masterful.

My friend Marika says that allowing Nick on the bachelor, post sexting in the real world, is cheating (have I talked about this before? I can't remember). Anyway, I have to say that I really agree with her. I think there is no way K would have let her guard down this much, with a dude she only had "bachelorette-type" interactions with. Nick and Kaitlyn never use the language of the show and they appear to bond over mocking the process at every turn. Nothing against it - the way they interact feels real in a way we rarely (if ever) see on this show, but it still gives him an unfair advantage over the other men who have to play by the rules. Take last week's "so how's yr first group date going?" wink to Nick and this week's placement of the rose. There was no "i think you're great and opening up" speech that preceded it, in fact, she didn't even ask him. They both just knew at some point they had to do this stupid thing, she picked up the rose, said the line she was contractually obligated to say while rolling her eyes and he responded with, "oh you're going to keep me around for awhile?" So yes, I have to agree with Marika. This is cheating at the bachelor, this is not the way it's supposed to work!

Of course, the problem with having sex with Nick, as Andi found out live in front of millions of people, is that Nick can’t keep his mouth shut. Notice how, with each retelling of his story, the couch time goes from “we talked some more” to “it was intimate and personal,” euphemisms that even a block of cheese could correctly interpret as “we went through half a bottle of K-Y.”

At this point, we are basically watching porn and I feel bad for Nick and Kaitlyn. Did we really need to hear her moan? Did we really need subtitles to catch the "I want to know every part of you line?" I think not. K's parents are watching, ABC. Have a little respect. We would still know they had sex if you just cut it off at closing the door.

I can’t with this group date. I can’t with that awful limerick. I dunno, J. I thought that Tanner's poem highlighting the fact he and K have no relationship to speak of, and that he's just filler was pretty baller. In my eyes, he just earned himself a spot in paradise. I can’t with any of this. “Let’s pretend Kaitlyn’s dead” (yes, so weird) is one of the weirder group activities, but I did laugh out loud when Shawn was like, “it’s too bad you killed yourself, but I would’ve too if I had to spend a whole day with Nick.” Shawn throwing shade in all the right places.

Jared is actually very sweet. I wish his facial hair could grow in more evenly (it’s more like facial schmutz at this point), but he seems really genuine, so I’m happy about the rose he got. I also loved that he made fun of her terrible laugh. And that none of the guys are pretending that they like it. Also, The Cranberries are a band I’ve actually heard of, and they played a song I actually knew, so there’s that.

I've always wondered if the lead had better taste in music if we would get better bands. This points towards that theory. I love the cranberries. This was awesome.

Shawn, on the other hand, is an interesting contestant case study. He clearly feels that Kaitlyn is his girlfriend (I HATE when Bachelorette contestants say that) and so is a little too jealous for my tastes when she spends time with other guys. And here he is, at a group date party, busting out family photos, which is a desperate move. He must really think he’s slipping to the back of the herd. I am not unsympathetic to that, but then again, did he not know what he was signing up for? If your parents’ divorce gave you severe trust issues, maybe don’t stake your emotional well-being on a process in which you have to watch your “girlfriend” date and probably bang other dudes. Other dudes who are also your roommates.

I feel for Shawn, because instead of blowing up at her, he is really trying to still make their time count, which is honorable. But then, he is still blowing up at producers. I think you are right, J. Shawn does not have the temperament for this show. I don't like how jealous he is and I don't think it bodes well for a possible real world relationship between these two. You know K is the kind of girl who has guy friends and you don't want yr bf always threatening to fight them.

Next week: shit hits all kinds of fans. And Cupcake sobs by the sea.

Can't wait!


kaitlyn // week five

My name is Ian and my brow is furrowed. Because I'm interesting.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is most definitely, as my friend and colleague Attica Locke pointed out, “connection.” So many of the guys have talked about the genuine connection they’re building with Kaitlyn, and I’m excited to see which one of them makes a genital connection with her next week.

We left off with Nick Viall’s dramatic return to living out of a suitcase with at least a dozen meatheads. No one is feeling Nick at all, and the producers have dramatized this visually by seating all 14 bros on the same side of the room. In a particularly shady moment, Tanner calls out Nick’s recent get-together with Andi. Fia, any intel on what went down in THAT meeting?

Sofia Alvarez: These guys are throwing so much shade at Nick. And I get it, I do. I'm sure if I were a contestant on the bachelor and some chick from last season came waltzing back in, I, too would have some closed door bathroom gossiping to do. But at this point, guys, he's in the house. Can someone at least be polite? Can someone defy the producers and go sit next to him on that couch? Come on boys, play nice. Kaitlyn probably only likes three of you anyway.

Here’s my thing about Nick: he says he hates rose ceremonies and cocktail parties, but he could have avoided all that, especially since he already had contact with Kaitlyn before she was the Bachelorette. Or do we think that by the time they connected, she had already signed on for the season, and so the only way he could talk to her was with cameras rolling?

Yes, my opinion is biased because we all know last season I was Nick's #1 fan. But, it is crazy that I buy his logic. They had some steamy texts. She was chosen as Bachelorette. We all know Kaitlyn's dream was to be famous (that's not slander, she references it almost every episode: Broadway is my dream, comedy is my dream, dancing is my dream.) So, I understand that she would not have thrown away the opp to be bachelorette to roll the dice with some random dude after a few texts. Therefore, I think this was the only way he could meet her / try to date her. Also, being on this show is a drug. The love feels different here. Also--and I know this is the beef many have with Nick--he keeps saying the right thing. The "you had your chance" logic some of the other contestants throw in his face makes no sense. Sure, if Andi had pulled a Brad and was back for round 2, yes, okay, Nick had his chance. But it's a different person! Nick is in the right on this one. I'm over him as my boyfriend (I am all Ben H. now and forever) but if he wants to make it work with K, I say go for it. More Ben H for me.

Did Josh have brain surgery during this episode? Why is half of his head shaved?

Speaking of rose ceremonies, why is this one happening outside at Citi Field in the middle of what appears to be November? Although, like a proper future Bachelor in Paradise cast member, JJ makes the most of it and carries Kaitlyn around the bases. These two have virtually no romantic connection (mainly because JJ probably still has a boner for Clint), but JJ makes for great bro-ey television.

It is so fucking cold on that field. I was in NYC this winter and I can tell you for sure that those men are freezing. This looks a lot like torture to me. I hope they all have heating pads in their shoes. Why couldn't they put coats on for this? You can pin a rose to a coat, just as easily as you can to a suit jacket. So everyone looks like they are dying except the 50-year-old investment banker who has an odd calm about him. Further proving that he is a robot. I am sad that he's going home, especially after he dropped those sick beats in the rap battle. But at least since he lives in NYC, ABC can save on his air fare. Do you think they made him subway home from CitiField?

Shawn has declared Nick, "he who can not be named."

Ben H gets a date involving a pickup truck and honky-tonk dancing. Fia, I recall the moment you decided he was your Bachelor boyfriend. Because now you’re going to have to fight me for him. Is “Quick Quick Slow Slow” an actual song? Or just a way to remind Ben and Kaitlyn of the dance moves? Anyway, after they’re mercifully removed from the dancing competition, it’s time for Ben to reveal his personal trauma. Can anyone break down Ben H’s word salad about his ex-fiancĂ©e? Apparently, whatever he said counted as “opening up” but I still have no idea what he was talking about. But who cares? Look at those dimples.

I love this date. I love Ben H. (Hands off, Josh. I called him back in week two, I was so early on the Ben H. train that I tweeted at him back when he only had 1,000 followers! he didn't respond, but still...) I also think that Ben's resistance to open up, seemed a lot more like a resistance to open up on camera than it did to open up to Kaitlyn. I am also a little concerned that my only two bachelor crushes of all time are both software salesman. I mean, that's not a popular job, is it? Should Adam be concerned if I were ever to meet a software salesman? Are software salesman my type?!?

Behind the scenes realness. Here is a text convo between me and Josh on our mutual love for Ben H.--

I can’t with this mariachi group date. That 12-year-old was awesome, though. Can he become the wise-cracking younger brother on some new ABC sitcom? The other thing I learned from this group date is that you can’t say the word “erection” on ABC primetime. Thanks, Nick.

Calling, Modern Family, I think you just found your solution to the seventh season slump! (JK, I don't know if MF is in the 7th season, or if they are in a slump, I just wanted to write that. I hope you all read it in the cheezeballz voice it was intended.)

Of course, it wouldn’t be a group date unless at least one of the guys spent his precious one-on-one time bitching about other contestants. The guy in question this week is Joshua, who says his “male intuition” (which is not a thing) tells him that Nick’s not to be trusted. But I have a hard time listening to anything he says after Kaitlyn butchered his hair. As a matter of fact, I’m now pretty sure that Kaitlyn had a grand mal seizure halfway through that haircut. Josh and his half-hawk pull Kaitlyn into an old chapel and, instead of MAKING OUT, they talk about Nick like a couple of imbeciles. These contestants never learn. Shit-talking a fellow contestant never ever EVER works in your favor. It should have come as no surprise that when Josh went back into the common room and expected the other guys to back him up, they all threw him under the bus. “Mad about Nick?!? What do you mean? I’m just here for Kaitlyn. Connection connection right reasons chemistry looking for love right reasons right reasons.” Poor Joshua.

I worry Josh is in over his head here. He's just a simple welder. Leave him alone. He's not making it much further anyway, can't we just let him enjoy his final days? Also, glad I got an answer to my brain surgery question.

I won’t say much about Shawn’s one-on-one date other than that car accident he described sounded terrible. Is this the personal trauma story he told the producers as part of his audition? If so, it’s incredibly effective because it is actual literal trauma. A near-death experience is much more harrowing than being cheated on by an ex-girlfriend.

The first half of this Shawn date was pretty boring. Whatever, whatever, he'll probably win, whatever. I got pretty invested when he revealed his car accident though, mainly because the story was sad as hell and did not seem rehearsed at all. I'm curious about Kaitlyn's enthusiasm. There's a rumor floating around the tabloids that Shawn wins the season. But, rarely do they let us see this much enthusiasm for the winner this early. Usually, it's to throw us off the scent. (Cough, Des and Brooks, cough).

I have so many questions about Nick and Ian's talk. First, why is Nick wearing so many prayer beads as bracelets? (I am starting to have embarrassment re: Nick the way you to when an ex starts getting super weird. Like, has he gotten weirded since my crush dissipated? Or is it that because I am now so happy w Ben H that I can finally see the weirdness that was there all along?) Second, what producer decided that Nick was the best contestant to have this heart to heart with Ian? Do these two even know one another? Was everyone else taking a shit or something?

But then, BUT THEN, Ian happened. My first reaction to Ian being down in the dumps this whole episode was to issue some tough love. If you don’t feel like the Bachelor/ette is giving you enough attention, I thought to myself, then take action. Find her in her hotel room. Make a pimp move. Break the rules. That never backfires. But instead of doing that, Ian decides to throw some insane temper tantrum about how Kaitlyn isn’t interesting because she doesn’t seem sufficiently interested  in him. And who wouldn’t be interested in Ian? He is, according to him, a Princeton grad and former model who cheated death and has been around the world twice. And let’s not forget this brilliant self-assessment:

“I am an enigma. Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” --Ian

Actually, Ian, who you are is a self-professed 28-year-old whose hairline and jowls suggest that you’re somewhere north of 40. I’m sure ABC is sorry they couldn’t find a Bachelorette who’s not even “half as hot” as your ex-girlfriend was, in your words, but hey, at least you gave it a shot. Because you are the last vaguely beige contestant this season (RIP Jonathan, who was here for Britt anyway), I had high hopes that you would go a little farther. But alas, here you are, going home in… 12th place? A bit too low in the standings to qualify to be the next Bachelor. And besides, even if you’d stayed longer, there’s no way you’d be the next Bachelor. You have about as much charm and charisma as a pile of old rags. You make Farmer Chris Soules look like the Dos Equis guy.

One of my friends/colleagues has a theory that they case Ian to be the first black bachelor. But he really shit the bed on that one. Sorry, Ian. You are toast!

Next week, Kaitlyn bones. And the Slut Shame Express officially leaves the station.


kaitlyn // week four

THIS guy is back... and he's coming for you, K-Dogg...

Josh Allen: “That tie goes really good with your shirt” has to go down in history as one of the best breakup lines in Bachelorette history. The only thing is, it was a breakup between two guys. As any student of the Bachelor/ette franchise knows, the real relationships on the show are between the contestants. Whether or not the JJ-Clint bromance was at all real (and people have written extensively on this), it made for riveting television, as did JJ’s subsequent emotional breakdown. We’ve watched these two men find a connection neither of them thought was possible (and that confused even Chris Harrison), but when faced with the choice between standing up for Clint and throwing him under the bus, JJ chose to betray his boo thang, and now has to live with the consequences.

Spoiler alert: the consequences are a free trip to New York. (Kudos to Tanner for his line about Bro-back Mountain becoming Bro-back Volcano. I’d like to think that line was not fed to him by a producer. 

Sofia Alvarez: I liked the "you're a dick" algebraic formulas Tanner was spouting. Tanner and Kaitlyn have no connection, but he had a good week for screen time. I also always love the "loser van" that pulls up for contestants eliminated pre-rose ceremony. The producers think Clint (and Koopah) are a pieces of shit, and they want everyone at airport drop-off to know it!

JA: All told, I’m happy for Kaitlyn that she saw through Clint the Meathead Manipulator. I would say I am going to miss him, but Nick V is on his way into the house, so I’m not that upset.

SA: There's something about how easily Clint lies to Kaitlyn that creeps the shit out of me. I've talked extensively with one of my friends at work about who is the shadier guy: Clint or Nick. I'm #teamnick, always have been. To me, he seems very upfront. He's confidant and goes after what he wants. Yes, he's selfish, but that is the least of bachelor crimes. I think the main reason people don't like him is because he really doesn't seem to care if they like him or not. JJ must have happily shit himself when Kaitlyn announced Nick would join the house. JJ is out of the hot seat and a new season villain has been crowned.

JA: Is it just me, or are Rose Ceremonies (or the lack thereof) becoming increasingly anticlimactic on this show? The most dramatic eliminations are happening randomly at cocktail parties. Did you see the looks on the guys’ faces when Kaitlyn said there was no Rose Ceremony?

SA: With this many dudes, I'm sure Kaitlyn doesn't see a connection with all of them and we probably could have gotten rid of some more dead wood. But, two guys did already leave this week. Since production had the correct amount of coach tickets to NYC - why make K stand in heels any longer than necessary. I think rose ceremonies are boring and was glad we got to skip.

JA: Britt and Brady are walking Ambien and I just can’t with them. At all. Does anyone care about Magenta and Scoop Neck becoming boyf and girlf? Like, anyone?

SA: Heard a rumor they were dating prior to the season. More likely, I think production stacked the deck with one "Britt winner" and one "Kaitlyn winner" on that first night. I'm sure Brady was prompted to go find her, and probably signed a new contract during the ride to her hotel. Had Britt won the vote, I bet Shawn would have run out into the night to find Kaitlyn and we'd be seeing the same boring shit between those two over the credits.

JA: I never in my life thought Doug E. Fresh would be leading a Bachelorette challenge, but I guess dreams do come true. The guys have to battle against each other with rhymes. Doug E. Fresh was real cute when he called that audience a “New York crowd.” The “New York crowd” ABC managed to find consists of the whitest possible group of tourists girls. #thuglife

SA: I think it's mean to make Jonathan compete in this rap challenge against all these whities. He's expected to be better than everyone else because of his blackness, which is racist. And then if he's not better it's doubly embarrassing. lose-lose.

JA: This is quite possibly the worst rap battle of all time. I don’t think we can actually use the words “rap” or “battle” to describe what went on. Maybe Jonathan gets points for rhyming “Florida” with “bored’a ya”? Maybe? Although I did enjoy Justin’s Alzheimer’s joke in his rhyme about The Notebook.

SA: Corey brought it in this challenge! Who knew that old investment banker had those skillz. And he was wearing that weird shirt? And that hat pulled down low. I saw a whole new side to this old man. I still wouldn't want to date him, but I would definitely be friends with him and invite him to dinner parties. He is the perfect amount of weirdo.

Also, the Justin "mole-pimple" group date rose was totally out of left field. I think she only gave it to him because he said that he was okay with Nick joining the house.

JA: Fia, I know you love Nick V, like til the end of time, but every time I look at him, the slime just drips off. There is no part of me that trusts him. If Nick was truly into Kaitlyn, and had the ability to fly to wherever she was, he would have done it already without cameras rolling or the promise of another world vacation. She said they’ve already “struck up a relationship over social media,” which means they sent one or two DMs on Twitter. My rose for the evening goes to Ashley (the kooky one, not Kardashleyan), who apparently styles hair in Alphabet City…? Anyway, she correctly pointed out that what Kaitlyn is feeling for Nick is probably just curious lust. I’m pretty confident Nick just wants to put his wiener in as many Bachelorettes as possible.

SA: I love Ashley S too. And was happy to see the real side of her. And yes, I agree Kaitlyn probably just wants to get jiggy with Nick. But she like, really wants to. You can tell how much she likes him because on her date with rat-face, she still wanted to talk about Nick. You know when you are bringing a dude up when they aren't around you are smitten as hell. Also, this Met date was way more high-end than usual. Getting to have dinner in the Met at night is a baller date. Do you think K is getting this star treatment because they saved so much money on Chris' Iowa dates?

Oh god, Jared, the poem. Please, I cannot take another season of poems! Nick has dried Kaitlyn's vajaje to any other guy. She used to get down with Jared, now she's bird pecking him.

I used to like Shawn but he is getting a little too intense too soon. Take it ez, Shawn.

JA: I agree about Shawn. He's getting a tad possessive. If he's not careful, he could approach Chris Bukowski territory. I can’t even concentrate on this dumb Broadway date. If Ian has “pipes,” then I’m Placido Domingo. I don’t even know why they forced these boys to sing a showtune when the walk-on role was literally a walk-on role. Is it because giving them any actual lines or performance would have forced them to join the union?

SA: Yeah, making them sing was just to humiliate them. Clearly they were only going to walk by a flower cart onstage. Those people paid good money for those tickets. Broadway is expensive as hell. Also, Cupcake wins this year's Drew from Des's season award for the contestant who is a full homosexual and not pretending otherwise. Do you think because we got a commercial for a Disney musical, we don't have to suffer through a commercial for a new Disney movie this season?

JA: I hope for the sake of my dreams that Cupcake Chris will say, though, that Chris looks good in his Aladdin getup. Chris is one of those boys that’s like a bag of kettle corn. You enjoy eating it, and it’s tasty, but when it’s over you feel like you’ve basically eaten nothing.

SA: This homeless plastic bucket drummer on the corner is a SAG-AFTRA actor. There is no way that same drummer has been there for the week they filmed in NYC.

JA: I won't player hate on anyone who's just trying to earn enough for health insurance.


kaitlyn // week three

Hi All, Josh is on deadline this week so it's just me. Sorry for the delay. We'll both be back at ya in a timely fashion this week! -Fia

make it stop

"I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy" - Tony

This is the season of the bad tattoo. There are more bad tattoos this season than there are on the boardwalk in Ocean City, Maryland. I thought it couldn't get worse than JJ's horrific, acid-trip inspired sleeve until I saw Tony's full leg tattoo (is that called a pant?) Actually, scratch that- JJ's is still worse. What the F is going on? Did both Britt and Kaitlyn make it known to producers during casting that they would prefer men with terrible ink?

We got a little bit more Shawn this week, though still not enough to satiate my friends in NYC. Despite little screen time, Shawn still snags the group date rose. I clocked how whenever she walks up to a group of the guys, Shawn is usually the first one she hugs--even if he's not on the date that day. I know from reading Ali Fedotowsky's old blog posts (God forgive me) that this is how to spot the guy the bachelorette likes the most. Shawn is not going anywhere. Their connection is real and I'm invested in it. I am curious, though, how the relationship will play out post sex scandal. We see hints of possessiveness in Shawn already (though it's important to note that, for now at least, this quality comes off as charming,  and not creepy). I think Shawn is definitely top three, probably top two, or maybe even the winner IF he does not freak out and bolt post sex-scandal. Some of my friends think that Shawn is the second participant in that hotel room, but I'm still pretty sure that it's Nick. Considering Kaitlyn and Nick were corresponding pre-taping, it makes sense to me that she would view the timeline of their relationship differently than the other guys. My second guess is that rat face is the one who slips it in early. We had nice foreshadowing of that possibility this week when she brought him to her hotel room mid group date. She's also mentioned many times how physically attracted to him she is, despite his ratish face.

(Hey, guys, real talk, I am softening on Jared, but I feel I have gone in too hard with this nickname to turn back. Rat face he shall stay.)

JJ said he wants to be on this sumo wrestling date because he loves sushi. What a tool.

So, Tony has a faux freak-out post getting his ass handed to him by the sumo wrestlers. He gave a long, insane interview prior to getting in the ring, where he somehow thought that he would be able to defeat the world sumo wrestling champion. When he obviously cannot, he decides that he's not okay with violence and gives Kaitlyn shit for putting him through this. He can barely control his desire to look at the camera and flex his pecs. He's trying so hard to perform that he's hot (he's not) and that he's zen (also not). He could not be more of an aggressive poser. A fauxgi, if you will. Regardless, he still came up with a pretty good back-up date (let's go to the zoo, see who makes the best elephant noise) so maybe they can hire him as a freelance producer.

I don't even really want to talk about Clint and JJ. They are using being in love with one another as a gross way to insult Kaitlyn. They use the language of the show to display how much of a joke this whole thing is to them. The way the show is choosing the edit this section as real, and not as a couple of douches acting like douches, is even worse. It seems like the show is trying to humiliate Clint and JJ by tricking some less aware viewers into thinking they are actually in love-- which is an even worse kind of gay bashing.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn because it seems like the producers went out of their way to cast scary, dangerous men this season. Kupah probably would have punched her given the chance. Tony definitely has women locked in his basement and JJ and Clint are the kind of guys that make me terrified of fraternities (date rapists, if you will). I know they are trying to up the drama for rating, but a crazy man is a lot more dangerous than a crazy woman.

Ben Z., though not my type, does a stand-up job with the one-on-one date and revealing more of his trauma (this poor man). This kind of nice guy always makes it pretty far - he is Kaitlyn equivilant of Sean and Chris Soules - a lovable oaf to balance out all the sociopaths. This guy usually makes it up to fantasy suites when the bachelorette has to admit she has no desire to f*&^ him.

I love Ben H. That sperm thing was a little cheesy but I don't care. I love him. Ben H. forever.