Tierra gunning for this season's 'ugly cry' award
SA: Before I fly back to the East Coast, let's take a minute to discuss last night's bachelor aka the 'minority date report'... We were gathered in my Echo Park rental eating pork butt so I can't say my thoughts are as specific this week ie I still don't know the name of the girl who got the first date but I do remember when she shouted, "Of course, he takes the Iraqi to the desert."
JA: Her name's Selma (an odd name for an Iraqi). And yes, while she may be of Iraqi descent, I can't see anything about her that distinguishes her from any other high-maintenance girl ever. She seemed to have been a little...annoyed when some PA came and told her to get ready for her date by putting on yoga clothes.
I was impressed by the ass cam and by how much this chick brought it climbing that rock. Sean didn't get to do any of the usual bachelor stuff like giving her a kiss for courage when she had a breakdown because A - she didn't need it, she was whipping his asscam and B - Arabian girls don't kiss pre-televised engagement. However, for not wanting to shame her family by kissing, she sure was okay with groin to groin contact. Apparently dry humping is smiled upon in all cultures.
Yeah, this little complication shocked me. I found myself wondering if Selma had actually watched any previous episodes of The Bachelor. There's no faster way to buy yourself a ticket home than to tell the customer he can't test-drive the Corvette before he takes it off the lot. Although, if kissing is forbidden, I want to meet this family. There should be one girl who gets a Hometown visit simply by audience vote. As a matter of fact, more things should be done on the show by audience vote. I'd vote a lot.
GROUP DATE...aka even if you bust your chin roller derby-ing - you still might not get a rose (looking at you Amanda). This is also where we saw Tierra manipulate the bachelor the same way the mean girl manipulates the bachelor on every season - by threatening to go home on a group date unless he ponies up the rose...
And THE GUY ALWAYS FALLS FOR IT. Like, ALWAYS AND ALWAYS. It's a wonder more girls don't throw such tantrums. Every season, there's one smart girl who's done her homework (i.e. Tierra) and a bunch of girls who expect the Bachelor not to take the side of the girl they all band together and hate. We should run a pre-Bachelor workshop for all contestants during which we cover these kinds of things.
Lindsay thought she had it in the bag when she got Sean to go swimming with her, but poor Lindsay didn't even make it to the pool. She was left freezing in her red bikini on the roof of the Roosevelt while Sean dried Tierra's tears with limp, awkward kisses. Well played Tierra, that breakdown to the camera men to get the tears flowing really paid off.
Next time I'm out with a group of friends, I'm gonna cry and threaten to go home unless one of them gives me a rose. Just to see what happens.
Okay, WHAT IS CATHERINE DOING HERE?!? Go home Catherine, you are way too cute for Sean and seem like a real person. Watching you talk to these girls is like playing 'which one of these is not like the other?' There must be some crazy in you that we've yet to see...
I'm not entirely sure that Catherine knows what show she's on. What if she thinks this is America's Next Top Model and she keeps expecting the date card to be Tyra Mail?
Now Poor Black Leslie gets her date and it's oh god, Pretty Woman themed. Does Sean not realize Pretty Woman was about a hooker? Or is that just how he sees all of these women? Not that it isn't somewhat appropriate considering that they all signed up for this show but I still consider it to be in wildly poor taste to compare your date so brazenly to a prostitue.
Even by showering her in diamonds and the ugliest Escada dress they could find, Sean just doesn't feel the romance with Black Leslie. He doesn't even give her a chance to slow dance with him to some crooner no one's ever heard of - instead he strips her of Neil Lane's diamond necklace and drops the rose to the ground where it shatters into a million petals. Cheer up Sean, there are 11 other ladies of the night waiting for you at the mansion. (note: Leslie - you cheer up too, at least you get to keep those earrings - I guarantee you that is more than any other woman will walk away with this season, including the one who wins).
I can't even talk about the Black Leslie date. (Now watch me talk about it.) Remember how at first we thought it was gonna go well because she's kinda dorky and he's a complete blank slate, so it might work? And then she picks out the five ugliest dresses Badgley Mischka ever made and tries to make one work with the Neil Lane loaner necklace. (Is it just me, or did that necklace look like it may have come out of one of those arcade games where you move the claw around and try to pick up prizes with it?)
It's my theory that he was never going to keep her around, so this was his nice way of sending her off. Kinda like, "Sorry to waste your time. You've clearly got a lucrative thing going dealing poker at that casino off the 105 freeway by the airport, so you should probably get back to that. But next time you're slinging chips at Texas Hold 'Em, do it in these earrings. No, no. Don't mention it. Thank YOU, Leslie. Thank YOU."
At the rose ceremony Amanda is sent home for looking so scary and some blonde girl who never gets to leave the house stays.
I'm choosing to interpret every move Sean makes as incredibly well-thought-out and full of charity. So therefore, Daniella (blonde who can't/won't leave the house) is a severe agoraphobic. That, or she's really good at making omelettes for the other girls, so Sean figures she keeps the house happy.
I can never remember that blonde girl's name! Even though I asked you what it was at least six times this week. Thank you, Josh, for telling me in writing that it's Daniella - now, do we think remembering her name even matters since she's probably going home next week?
See you then when our journey continues...