SA: I have a confession. Usually before writing these recaps I look at no social media with the exception of the dialogue between Josh and I. But after that shit show last night - I went hog wiled and read f'in everything. I looked at Twitter to see what Jason Biggs had to say, I went down the rabbit hole following the Instagram documented friendship of Kelly, Sharleen, Andi and Nikki, I read articles from NPR and Huff Po, I read basically anything I could find because Jesus Christ, guys, how the hell else are we supposed to deal with that finale? There is just so much. So so so so so much. And never again do I feel I will have to staunchly defend why I recap this show to friends who deem it too stupid to be worth any smart person's attention. I've said it before and will continue to say it, the bachelor franchise is one of the craziest and most interesting social experiments in the US. Now, onto the recap. Josh really hit this one out of the park so I'll be commenting, but sparingly...

JA: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

This is what defending your relationship with a man who doesn't love you looks like.

I recall what I thought of Juan Pablo at the beginning of Juan-uary, and I actually thought highly of him. But over the course of this season, I’ve definitely gotten to see enough to show me that he is a COLOSSAL dick. I suppose in that sense, my journey has mirrored that of the ladies on the show, with far fewer besitos.

I’ve never seen anything like those first two segments when Clare and Nikki met Juan Pablo’s family. I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps I should begin with JP’s mom, who was desperately trying to tell these girls to run, saying things like “He’s hyperactive (translation: wandering wiener)… he’s rude… he has poor communication skills…and I’m real happy for your dreams of a Saturday on the beach or at a water park, but I hope you like babysitting Camila, because my son is just going to sit on his ass and watch TV all day.” The worst was when his mom turned to the camera and said “If he chooses Nikki, she’s going to say yes… DESPITE MY WARNINGS!!” (Was I the only one who heard that last part?)

I also loved how Juan Pablo’s cousin explicitly told both women, “No, really… I’m not kidding. The second you do something he doesn’t like, he’ll drop you like a hot potato.” I gotta hand it to this family. They really tried to warn these women as best they could, repeatedly saying things like “he’s not an easy person to be with” and “he defends his asshole behavior by saying he’s just being honest” and “you seem like a nice girl… please try to find ANYONE ELSE to marry.” It makes me even more interested to talk to his ex, Carla, and find out what really went on there. It was very telling that Juan Pablo’s brother talked on camera but we didn’t see him talk to Nikki or Clare at all. Do you think his dire warnings weren’t even suitable for air?

I was thinking about Carla a lot during this section. His family has to be getting their, 'he's a shitty partner' perspectives from somewhere bc no one would say that about their son without it having been proven, or probably proven many times. Especially since we know he didn't even used to pay child support and that Carla is still close with his family, I'm sure there was some sort of 'step up and be a good dad' intervention at some point.

Also, for what it's worth, Clare seemed more comfortable with his family. But saying that is treating this like any of season, which it's not. 

Did you notice that Clare and Juan Pablo avoided the ocean on their final date together? Because we know what happens when their naughty parts hit salt water. #vietnam

And then there was the “comment” JP made to Clare in the helicopter, which was clearly about her vagina. Just compare their voiceovers on this date…

Clare: I’m so in love with Juan Pablo. Just having him hold me as we both take in all the wondrous scenery… I’m on Cloud Nine!

Juan Pablo: Clare hot. Clare sexy. Me penis happy penis ay ay ay ess okay… [some other unintelligible thing about her funbags]

Before she revealed what the horrific thing was later in the ep I was sure that he's told her that she has a sweet puss.

By the way, I think that voiceover is on constant loop in his head while any woman is speaking. He doesn’t hear anything any of them says. He’s just thinking about the next time he can dip his wick. After Clare poured her heart out, Juan Pablo replied with, “If I end up with you, we’re gonna have a baby in two months.” Either his math is way off, or he already impregnated her in Vietnam. All he had to do was spew some of his trademark ESL word salad and he got his besitos from Clare. This is tragic to watch.

"If I pick you we are gonna have a baby in two months" was the closest he's come to saying anything resembling real feelings to any of these women all season, with the exception of Sharleen, which made it all the more shocking that Clare is who he sent home. Also, I continue to believe had Sharleen kept herself in the competition the season would not have ended with JP as the most hated man in America. Because I think he would have played ball and maybe not proposed but at least said I love you. 

I also have to say that I don't think he told that to Clare knowing he was going to pick Nikki so it might not be quite as dickish as we think. Honestly, I think he might have just flipped a coin.

Tragic, indeed.

Speaking of tragic, I could hardly look at the TV during Nikki’s date. Watching Juan Pablo say things like “when we go home, I’ll have my bed and my TV and my sports and with my by myself” was just too excruciating. It just goes to show you how many warning signs people will blow right past when they really want a fake boyfriend. And is it just me, or does the handwriting in that card from Nikki look suspiciously like the P.A.’s handwriting from every date card ever?

The fact that the card ends with a solid, "I love you" was just too much. It's as if those tears after he left were predicting her public humiliation at After the Final Rose. Side note - are Nikki's boobs fake? They always look so round.

As we approached the big day, I felt absolutely dead inside. Both these women have bared their reality show souls to Juan Pablo, and he has given them NOTHING back. Neil Lane didn’t even show up for a sit-down ring sesh with JP. Do you think even Neil Lane, the Patron Saint of Diamonds, hates his guts? Or do you think they told Neil to just stay home because Juan Pablo clearly wasn’t going to propose to anyone on this show?

I don't think NL even came to St. Lucia. I think a PA picked out the ring and they forced JP to look at it a couple times for TV teasers. 

I have a new-found respect for crazy Clare after her final scene with JP. “I would never want my children to have a father like you” is the exit line of the year. The best thing that ever happened to Clare was Juan Pablo not picking her. First of all, Clare, go learn Spanish. It’s weird that you’re the only one in your family who doesn’t speak it. Because once you learn Spanish, you can finally understand what your family is probably rudely saying about you in front of your face. Second of all, I hope you have learned something from your repeated public slut-shaming. Someone whose idea of sweet nothings is leaning over to you and whispering “We don’t know anything about each other, but I certainly loved fucking your brains out at sea” is not a winner. And Juan Pablo’s vindictive and immature reaction to her just proves his cousin right. This is a man who can’t be challenged in any way. The second any of these women actually speaks her mind, his vicious douchery asserts itself. And that, Juan Pablo, ess not okay.

Agreed I have been down on Clare this whole season but she really came into her own during that break up. It's like she's finally done her dead father proud and wasn't that what Clare's journey was all about anyway? Also I think she is gonna have no problem finding a new bf now that JP told all of America how much he loved f***ing her. 

I’m ultimately of two minds about this whole Juan Pablo-Nikki “I don’t wanna let you go” thing. On one hand, it is very true that in the real world, no one is under any kind of network-mandated pressure to propose to their girlfriend of two months. And yes, in the real world things develop much more naturally. But you can’t have it both ways, hermano. The point of being on the Bachelor is to fake it til you make it. Pretend to love the other person for a while, and then sometimes you might end up falling in actual real love. Or not. But you gotta go through the motions.

Also, dear Nikki: whether you’re in the real world or ABC world, if you’ve actually convinced yourself that you love someone, and you tell them, and you say things like “I can’t imagine my life without you” and they respond with things like “I like you… a lot” and “You’re pretty” and “Don’t be cranky because it’s hot out here”... shouldn’t that be a red flag for you? Like, I don’t understand any of it. I don’t get their “relationship.” As for all that stuff JP was saying about their “plans changing dramatically,” word on the street is that Juan Pablo was gonna be on “Dancing with the Stars” and then the Pervertgate scandal happened and ABC pulled the plug on that and now everything is weird. So now, instead of maybe coming to LA and living with JP while he did awkward foxtrots for America’s enjoyment, she’s still in Kansas City and he’s still in Miami and the whole thing is bizarre and doomed.

Oh, Nikki. Poor, poor Nikki. How terribly sad this is for you. Yes, okay a lot of people can relate to a relationship where they are more into their partner than their partner is to them. And even if in those relationships one person gets drunk and tells the other they love them and get an "I like you a lot in return" at least both parties can then pretend that didn't happen or break up, but those are the options in that situation. Except, no, here is a third outcome in which Chris Harrison says one million times to Nikki, JP, the bachelor panel and America that Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and said it and Juan Pablo is luke warm about Nikki at best. This is a nightmare for her. Now think about the fact that these two have been together for four months at this point. That is four months of one-sided love. And she is sitting here as Juan Pablo pets her trying to smile. Why is she still going along with this? How are Sharleen, Kelly and Andi letting her go along with this. Sidenote - I would give anything to hear what Sharleen was whispering to Kelly during all of this.

Chris Harrison is so digusted he can't even sit next to these two during commercial breaks and Nikki is now practically sitting in JP's lap. ABC has clearly turned on Juan Pablo as has the bachelor panel. The way they've edited him since Sharleen's departure and since pervert gate is unforgiving. I do feel a little bad for him, even though he has this coming. Juan Pablo doesn't seem to realize that in the district of ABC, the bachelor is the Hunger Games and in the words of last year's winner Catherine, contestants best not bite the hand that feeds them. If America's Sweetheart Chris Harrison hates you, you are dead. And hate him he does, CH literally just said he needs a cold shower to wash off this season.  

Juan Pablo, you had us at hola, then quickly lost us with your boundless douchebaggery. It is clear that you are little more than a Box of Abs that just wanted to play in the honey pot for a while. Your own family is begging women NOT to date you. Adios.

Sidenote: even though in the most technical sense of the word Nikki “won” this season, the clear winner is Renee and her cute fiancĂ© and her bangin’ engagement ring. I’m more of an emerald-cut girl myself, but this would certainly do in a pinch:

Renee, you go girl. That guy is way cuter than Juan Pablo. I knew you wouldn't be single for long after how classy and together you came off this season. Alone at the ball park no more my friend.

I’m exhausted and confused and weirded out from this season. So is Chris Harrison, who kept saying out loud on live television how glad he was not to have to see or speak to Juan Pablo ever again. Guess we’ll see each other this summer for Andi’s Adventures in Love! I’ll start working on my Gang Prosecutor puns now.

Do it! Andi is just what we need to get this shit back on track.