This is a friend of Mommy's you'll never see again

JA: Okay, I’m gonna go on record and say that this was one of the most boring Hometowns I’ve seen in a long time. Fantasy Suites should more than make up for it, because according to the promos, everyone just melts ALL the way down.

Nikki’s hometown was maybe the most uneventful hometown I’ve ever seen, which I guess bodes really well for Nikki, but not for good television. But I am jealous of that house… a dollar really does go far in Missouri, or anywhere that’s not LA or NYC or SF. I did, however, love the moment at the dinner table when Nikki outed that Juan Pablo gets to fly first class while all the ladies are stuck in coach. #bachelorsecrets

SA: I actually already knew the contestants had to fly coach bc Ali Fedotowsky mentioned it once on her bachelor blog, but not that I read that or anything. Not only were these hometowns boring, but I feel like they really snuck up on me. Is this season really about to end? Didn't Juanuary just start? Is it really about to be Juarch?

Even Nikki’s mom brought up the “mental connection” that she’s worried might not be there. Ouch.

I loved how Nikki's mom said, "Ok tell me what you like about him". Looking for like, one thing - and Nikki - couldn't do it. She couldn't think of one thing to say other than, "there's just something about him" which translates to "it's just competitive instinct to win a reality show."

Also, a lot of the focus (especially with Nikki’s and Renee’s dates) was on wanting to say “I love you” and being really scared to. According to Chris Harrison, he can’t remember another season when we’ve gotten this far and no one’s even said the word “love,” and I can’t either. Chris also said that Juan Pablo is partially to blame for that because he hasn’t done enough to openly show the women how he really feels about them in ways other than saying "I love you."

When did CH say that? Josh how do you always have the skinny on CH's opinions? Have you been watching with Chris Harrison in LA without me? Are you guys secret BFF? Do you go on hikes together where he tells you what he thinks of all the contestants. I mean, that would explain where he's been all season -- hanging out with you.

But yes, no one has said "I love you" which is really rare. It doesn't feel right to anyone and no one even seems that upset when they leave. In fact, I've yet to see a true ugly cry at all this season, only tiny mascara-less tears. 

As for Andi, I was prepared to love this date because I’ve been impressed with Andi these last couple of weeks. But your hometown thing is… guns? Really? In Atlanta, that’s the best we could do? I don’t know. I just hate guns so much. Like, so so so much that I can’t even snark about this. I hated it all.

I dunno, Josh. I hate guns too - but I thought it was pretty baller of Andi to take JP to a shooting range when she knows she's a killer shot and he can barely hit the target. And Nikki made him ride a mechanical bull - I thought these women were really turning the tables on a guy who treated them all like toddlers all season. You steal my nose - I'll fucking waste you, or at least emasculate you.

But you know what I didn’t hate? Andi’s dad. While Andi’s mom was living vicariously through her daughter’s Latin lover, Andi’s dad was having NONE of Juan Pablo. I’m sure none of her dad’s concerns were alleviated by JP’s word salad, either. Could you make heads or tails of what he was trying to tell her dad?

Best quote from Andi's dad, "We've got two wonderful daughter, one good son-in-law and (looking at JP) a visitor". Also loved how he asked JP why he went on the show. This guy is not fucking around, now we know where Andi got her smarts. 

And after all that, Juan Pablo left thinking that chat went really well. He’s really not all there. Here’s what Chris has to say about it: “I think we've seen throughout the season, especially with Sharleen and Clare, he's not great at reading body language and understanding the moment. He's missed a lot of cues and red flags and this is really no different. I think a lot of other guys would've come off that date thinking, 'Man, that was not smooth sailing.' But he's a little bit oblivious to that kind of stuff.” How often do you think Chris fantasizes about punching Juan Pablo in the face?

And again I would love to know where you and Chris Harrison are getting your post show beers.

(Also, sidebar, did you see that promo Chris and Juan Pablo did for the new movie "Need for Speed"? Chris is sporting a seriously cool haircut and some single-guy scruff!)

What? No! I have been watching on iTunes and missing all the bach themed commercials :(

Awww Renee and her adorable Little League son who is avoiding making any eye contact with Juan Pablo whatsoever. So cute. But this has clearly run its course. If Sharleen hadn’t gone home on her own last week, Renee would totally have been cut along with Chelsie. I don’t have a single doubt about that.

OK, I took serious issue with them waiting to let Renee see her son until she was with JP. Couldn't they have had a reunion off camera and then introduced him? This woman hasn't seen her son in two months and then shows up at his little league game with some stranger. Couldn't JP (or any of the producers) understand how uncomfortable that has to be for an 8yo? Since JP clearly already knew Renee was not the one for him, he should have known better than this awkward introduction. Even though I had no desire to see her hometown after Sharleen left I think JP should have said goodbye to Renee and gone to Chelsie's hometown instead, no reason to bring a child into this when JP already had two feet out the door.

And we’re apparently saving the batshit for last… Crazy Clare in SacTown. I’m not one to be cynical (who are we kidding -- yes I am) but this whole father-daughter dance story is just too much. It’s making my teeth hurt. It sounds like the first draft of a scene Jason Katims would have written. (That’s not a dig; I love Jason Katims, but even he would pull back on the sugar here.) That plus the rock throwing… I don’t know. I really wanted to be moved by all that, but I just wasn’t.

I seriously dislike Clare but she is the only one I actually see with JP. The other girls are just going through the motions. 

When they brought up swimming at Clare’s house, I could feel her and Juan Pablo have a brief and horrific flashback to Vietnam.

As much as Clare’s sister Laura tried to pull a “Des’s brother Nate” and sabotage everything, Juan Pablo is just way too into Clare for that to happen. Also, if Clare gets eliminated, that means that someone else is forwarding his dick pics to everyone, and at this point I just refuse to believe that.

From the trailer I definitely thought Laura was Clare's mom and that "Mami" was her grandmother. Also she said her other sister has been married for over 20 years. How old are these sisters? Also I think we know where Clare got the crazy from - hello Laura! 

I was hoping when JP could actually speak to someone in his mother tongue he might become a little more interesting but nope, just another boring convo about the weather. He literally said that Venezuela was "hot but not hot", Clare's mom then translated that into "tropical" which is exactly how people talk to JP in English. He says something vague and they guess at what he means. Girls - this is not a language barrier, the cerebral connection you are looking for is never going to happen. 

Not shockingly at all, Renee is sent home. But she looked smokin’ hot. Third or fourth place is traditionally a good place to get to if you want to be the next Bachelor/ette (Des was 4th place and, if I recall correctly, Sean was 3rd because he made it to Fantasy Suites), so Renee’s in a good position to headline next season. If she didn’t have the guilt of already spending this much time away from Ben, I’d say she’s a shoo-in. But she might just want to put this whole experience behind her. What do you think?

I think Renee is a little too drama free to be our bachelorette, also I don't see her leaving Ben again. I think Clare is the winner / dick pic sender and Andi is most likely the next bachelorette. Sharleen is still my top choice, but I just don't see them ever picking her to do it. I'll take Andi though, she's got the glow and I'd love to see Hy with her final two gents. Let's fast forward to that now. I am so over Juarch.


JUAN PABLO WEEK SEVEN - "I wish I was dumber"

Our favorite says goodbye.

JA: I can’t believe we’re only one week from hometowns! This season has flown by! Ah, Miami. Finally, a place I’ve actually been before, so I don’t have to feel bad about myself this week. Do you think that cousin in Juan Pablo’s house is the gay one?

SA: I was in Miami last weekend and it is STILL SNOWING in NYC. So this date was perfectly timed to give me another case of "winter blues" but enough about me...did you see those cute fish earrings Shar Shar was wearing? 

I like that early on, we see Juan Pablo talking about Sharleen with his family. She’s clearly a frontrunner. They’re definitely setting up the drama here so that it can be even more devastating when Sharleen pulls a Brooks and goes home voluntarily.

Any time the producers let you see a bachelor/ette telling CH or their fam that a contestant is "the one" you can assume that person's walking papers are already signed, voluntarily or otherwise.

There’s really nothing I can say about those swimsuits they left for the women in that hotel suite. Oh, wait. Yes, there is. They are awful.

JP giving the date card himself is further proof to our theory that CH is moonlighting in some other endeavor. Also, I loved when JP told Sharleen she had five minutes to get ready, but she still had time to stand on the roof looking pensively at the Miami skyline. If there's one thing these producers can't get enough of, it's a pensive moment with a view.

This Sharleen date is so great now that we know what’s coming. Also, when she says, “We’re missing the cerebral connection,” that is clearly code for “I am way too smart for him.” But poor JP...I actually feel bad for him because he is so so so into her. This date was approximately seventeen hours long. And sixteen of those hours were spent making out on a boat. No extreme outdoor activities, no spelunking in caves. Just laying on a boat and making out all day. Either this was Juan Pablo’s idea or ABC blew their whole budget on all those Asian destinations.

That bathing suit is gonna give her crazy tan lines.

Sharleen is so refreshingly honest and real that I’m going to be really sad to watch her go. But she just had to have all kinds of crazy expectations -- like being married to someone she can have actual conversations with. You stay that picky, Shar-Shar, and you’ll be single for a long time. Did she actually just say she wished she was a little dumber? Wow. She is becoming increasingly unable to not tell him how dumb she thinks he is.

I took that line to mean, "I wish a was a little dumber...like the other girls on this show." But she knew it would be wrong to say. 

Also, via my Instagram / Twitter stalking I have gathered that Andi, Sharleen, Nikki and Kelly (dog lover) are all BFF. This makes total sense to me as these are definitely the smartest ones. (Kelly's twitter quips to Jason Biggs lazy eye jokes are particularly entertaining). I sort of gather that Sharleen has always been so career focused / nerdy that she never made that group of core "girl friends" in college and that being on this show is like her latent sorority period. (Which makes sense when you see her start doing the "last day of camp" cry anytime one of the ladies is sent home). Shar Shar, you can get sauced and talk about fun girly stuff anytime you want but that doesn't mean you have to marry a man you can't have a conversation with, and good for you for knowing it! 

And she comes home and goes straight to talk to Renee. Seriously, is Renee the host of this season? Can she just be my therapist? Is she on my fancy new WGA health insurance? I need an appointment stat.

I loved how she cooed, RENEE as soon as she got into the suite and then went and curled up next to her. Almost as if on the ride home someone said to her, "don't worry baby, Renee is at the house and she'll make all your troubles disappear."

I was honestly surprised that Juan Pablo decided to take Nikki to meet his whole family, and his daughter, and his ex. I was very excited to see Camila come face to face with one of the crazies competing on national television to become her stepmother. They didn’t spend enough time with the baby mama, though -- would have loved to see a sitdown with her and Nikki. Also, call me a cynic, but I don’t think it was a coincidence that Camila had a solo and was featured prominently in the front row of this “recital.”

Definitely no coincidence. How dumb does the franchise think its audience is - don't they realize how many Sharleens are watching - we're not all Chelsies - give us a little more credit ABC! And yes, I was craving more Carla. I also knew that however much she claimed to be nervous to meet his parents / daughter - the only person Nikki was thinking about that whole time was Carla. I was surprised and relieved when she brought it up. A sit down would have been amazing, but there's no way it could have been more awkward than the silence of the lambs we saw later in the episode between Clare and Nikki - but more on that in a few paragraphs.

It is so abundantly clear from Sharleen’s goodbye speech to the other ladies that the real relationships are the ones between the contestants. Although it was nice to see no one even try to pretend to be sad to see her go. One more rose up for grabs now!! 

And now for Sharleen and JP’s Subtitled Whisper Breakup. When she said “this is excruciatingly difficult” my first thought was that Juan Pablo has no idea what “excruciating” means (me too!). Case in point: his whole speech to the camera about being honest versus being appreciated. I rewound that speech and watched it three times and still didn’t really understand it. He’s getting more and more ESL by the moment. Ah, well. At least Shar-Shar got to see the Lord of the Rings Hobbit village. I think that was her highlight.

My random thoughts on the group date: 1. We start with more desperate babbling from Chelsie. She knows the writing is on the wall from her brush with elimination last week, so she’s resorted to pimping out her mom to entice Juan to come to hometowns.

Props mean desperation, always have, always will - when you are forcing the connection with a journal, letters from parents, baby photos....you are as good as gone.

2. I wondered when Clare’s dad’s DVD was gonna resurface in conversation. Now I know. Did you watch the teaser from next episode - I think Clare is gonna try and get that DVD out of storage and her mom is like NO FUCKING WAY are we showing the last thing you'll ever hear from your dad to a man with three other girlfriends. And Clare throws a hissy fit because she's a dumb bitch. Oops. Sorry. Also, I think Clare might actually have peed on him in the ocean.

3. Did Juan Pablo bring Renee on this group date and then not even talk to her once? She got her nice dress in Vietnam. That means he can ignore her now, right? Also - do you think if Shar had stayed it would have been Renee and Chelsie who'd be gone now?

4. I love that the plane took off so that everyone could see Juan Pablo and Andi half-naked and canoodling in the ocean. Amazing. This show is nothing if not subtle. Cough.

Andi emerged as potentially one of the final two in my eyes this week. Especially since she wore a dress that was so tight I could see her heart beating. Way to go, Andi. Get your man… while the other girls are fighting back at the hotel room. Since Andi and Nikki are both frontrunners I find their closeness a little confusing. Do they really not care they are dating the same man or are they just better at compartmentalizing?

The Clare-Nikki feud was slow in coming, but I’m really glad it’s happening, because we get lines like this from Nikki about Clare’s family: “She didn’t get crazy all on her own… it had to come from somewhere.” Gold. Also I found out via twitter that the "she's like a dog who peed on him first" line is something Kelly said weeks ago that Nikki was borrowing. You're in our hearts if not on our televisions, Kel."

One of the remaining ladies knows how to do a killer fish tail braid - did you see how many ladies were sporting them this week? Did they ask them to all wear solid jewel tones to this cocktail party?

OMG Renee is even hosting JP! Not just the other ladies but the bach himself. I hope they are paying this woman, she's a single mom after all.

My other favorite moment from the cocktail party was when Chelsie “got up to pee” and Clare totally called out the fact that she didn’t have to pee and that the producers told her to leave so Clare and Nikki could be alone. And alone they were. For 54 silent seconds. (I timed it.) Throw Chelsie a bone with this jewelry conversation, Nikki, she's trying SO HARD. Who the fuck cares what jewelry you wear everyday - she just wants everyone to be happy. Also, okay Chelsie may have had to "pee" but where's everyone else? We already know they are forced to sit there when not with JP and Andi and Renee cannot both be with him so...what the hell ABC? Also did I hear one of these ladies say, "I just burped, sorry"?

Chris Harrison didn’t even come out to do his completely unnecessary “this is the final rose of the evening” announcement. He really must not be a fan of Juan Pablo. I’m gonna ask Google what he really had to say about the ocean sex episode with Clare.

<<<elevator music>>>

Ooh… "When she showed up he was fully into it like this is awesome and sexy and she was as happy as can be and then he turns around and treats her like all of a sudden she did something wrong and broke the rules. It was not only confusing, but it was borderline rude," the Bachelor host said. "We even told him as much, but he didn't see it that way. Even though he apologized later I don't think he really understood how cheap he made her feel. In my deliberation I said, 'You're not getting this, you really hurt her feelings, you need to fix it and apologize.' But there are cultural differences with him and things do get lost in translation and how it's interpreted. It's his perspective; it's not right or wrong. So it made for interesting conversations and I had to learn to stand back a little bit and respect that." (Thanks to Buddy TV for that soundbite.) He also said in his blog on EW.com that “it appears that [Juan Pablo’s] rules are ever-changing here” in response to the weird “no kissing” thing. I love how he becomes all these girls’ older brother.

Chelsie did a good job of staying chipper and holding it together until the limo door closed. Enjoy that bubbly, homegirl. It’s probably your last good champagne for a while. Where did she get that glass of champagne? I thought the bubbly was reserved for girls who were moving forward. Also I just had a horribly depressing thought of these women changing out of cocktail dresses and into sweats in an airport bathroom. 

Next week we’ve got a lot to do -- Hometowns and Fantasy Suites all in one week! And something terrible happens with Andi in the Fantasy Suite. What could it be??? I think it's that JP lets her know his stance on homosexuality.



Enjoy your flight

JA: It’s been a HUGE week in Bachelor Nation. I have so many things to say about so many things. I kind of don’t know where to start. Let’s begin with recent developments in Pervertgate, the scandal of Juan Pablo’s, shall we say, less than artful comments about gay people. In an interview with Good Morning America, he put concerns that he’s homophobic to rest with the following comment:

“I have a cousin who is gay. His sister is a nun. So it’s been around my house all my life. So, to me, it was a misunderstanding. It’s been hard because, to me, when I speak English, it happened to me two months of filming, sometimes the words that I used were not interpreted the way that they should be interpreted, or I use a wrong word. So I will go on my phone, Google and find the right word and do it that way.”

I mean… I just don’t know… I can’t even… so is he saying that nuns are lesbians? And what exactly do you put into Google to “find the right word”...? Fia, help.

SA: First of all, I LOLed and your comments, Josh. So way to get the week off to a good start. The grammatical mistakes in the ABC statement alone are enough to prove that ESL is a serious publicity problemo for el bachelor. Almost every episode he's asking one of these ladies to explain something to him, so maybe by "google" he actually meant to say "translation app"?

Then there’s THIS:

Radar Online is reporting that the eventual winner of this season is sharing nudie pics of Juan Pablo with friends. Like, super nudie. Like, excited genitalia nudie. And it’s only a matter of time before at least one of those pics gets leaked, because Internet. #stayclassy Who is gross enough to have done this, Fia? Andi? Clare? Also, this clearly means Juan Pablo just broke up with whomever won, right? This is going to haunt me for weeks!

Josh! Wash your mouth out with soap - how could you think sweet Andi could do such a thing? What that Radar online article tells me is just as I dreaded, crazy Clare is this season's winner. Because I really don't see Nikki, Renee or Andi sharing dick picks (I didn't include my fav Sharleen in that lineup bc I'm pretty sure she takes herself out the game soon. I also didn't include Chelsie bc who the F cares about Chelsie?). 

Now onto tonight’s episode. The first few minutes of tonight’s show made me want to drop everything and go to New Zealand. Just breathtaking. But for being “the most exclusive resort in the world,” those are the tiniest twin beds I’ve ever seen. I once lived in a pretty sad 80-year-old dorm with no air conditioning and my bed was still better than those.

Fia, I now know why Chris Harrison has been spending less time around Juan Pablo and the ladies -- because Renee is doing his job for him. She feels less like a contestant and more like a co-exec producer every week.

OMG getting Cassandra to talk about her son and then they both cry. Renee wins the gold at the bachelor olympics. Also, don't you think Renee kind of looks like Jenn Aniston? Is that was she feels so likable and relatable?

One thing I didn’t get was how all the other women were acting surprised at Andi getting the first one-on-one. She’s… the only one who hasn’t had one. (Agreed, that was insane. Does it mean that the other contestants weren't taking Andi seriously up until this point?)

I’m just glad some intrepid cameraman was there following them through those weird water tunnels. According to Andi, who had every right to be nervous, “If I just let my guard down and trust Juan Pablo, something really amazing could happen.” Yeah, like he could bone you under a waterfall. You are, after all, childless.

Though he tried to kiss everyone (except poor Kat) with lightning speed this episode, I still think the energy between him and Andi is a little different. He tells us that Clare is the one who gets him hot and bothered but he was all over Ms. A from the moment she walked into that boat.

And why are they eating dinner next to a geyser? The geyser didn’t ruin your dinner, Andi; you ruined the geyser’s dinner. And don’t insult the geyser and then try to make a geyser metaphor about your love “bursting through.” You can’t have it both ways. It’s clear that he wants her around, though. I had no doubt she was coming home with a rose.

Bach producer..."So, would you say you're love is like an exploding geyser? Please use the question in your answer. Thanks." ---> how the magic of this show is made.

I love the group dates later in the season, when things get more and more tense as the numbers dwindle. But Chelsie, there is absolutely no way New Zealand reminds you of Ohio.

“Ogo” or whatever that giant ball thing is definitely looks fun, but I don’t get how it’s a sport. And Sharleen’s strange frilly bathing suit looks exactly how I’d imagine Sharleen’s bathing suit would look. Speaking of Sharleen, I never saw her more excited than when they arrived at Hobbiton. As someone who made a Lord of the Rings reference last week, I CANNOT blame her. As if I needed anything else for her to be my favorite. She is a dorky and awkward opera singer. It would never happen, but I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

Please bachelor gods let Sharleen be the next bachelorette!!!!! It would be so amazing. Also, I would bet a hondo that she's the only one there who's not only read the LOTR trilogy, but even who knows the movies were based on books.

Dear Juan Pablo: please. Please. No more talk of Renee and Cassandra being your “special ones.” It’s clear now that you mean “special” as in “handicapped.” As in, “why’s my school bus shorter than all the other ones?”

In a Group Date Rose stunner, Sharleen gets the big prize. And Cassandra gets… sent home. On a seventeen-and-a-half hour flight back home to Michigan (I looked that up). ON HER BIRTHDAY. It is always so hard to watch someone get dumped, even from a fake reality show relationship. But the birthday thing is just the icing on the cake. The rancid, runny icing on the stale cake. Buck up, though, Cass. I’m sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea for 22-year-old former NBA dancers. I made a rule a long time ago that any heartbreak pre-22 (aka pre-college graduation) is just practice for life. Shake it off, gurl, and get back in there!

Poor Cassandra. Her career is behind her, she hasn't had a non-filmed first date since she was a wee 18, and now she's flying coach back to the states, footing the bill for her own mini bottles of pinot grig. Luckily, when the rest of us were 22 we were just getting started in this world of being an adult - if House Mom Renee thinks you can do it, there's hope for you yet! 

SIDENOTE: In the Broadway musical version of this season, I need Alice Ripley to play Clare. They look so much alike to me.

Speaking of Clare, they needed this one-on-one so we could all get the real aftermath of Vietnam. (I think it’s ironic how the word Vietnam now carries a whole other set of traumatic memories for Clare.) JP starts out with one last slut shame: “When you came over at 4am, you seemed so happy to bask in the warm glow of my wiener, so I couldn’t possibly say no to you.”

Then they both start walking it back. Actually, they’re not just walking this back. They’re moonwalking it back. “Kissing in the ocean”...? Why would that have been such a big deal after spending weeks slobbing down these women on three different continents? In an interview with ABC News this week, Clare had the following to say about her slut shame:

"Maybe at that time he didn't know exactly what he was feeling and he just felt bad about it," she said. "But again, we swam in his pool in his room and to me, that was more questionable than swimming in the ocean! That was my struggle."

Fia, weigh in. What do you make of all this? Do you believe Clare? Or were you just distracted by Juan Pablo’s Hammer pants fetish?

I think they had a long talk with producers before this scene took place and JP said, listen - I really don't want these Kindergarten viewing parties to know I had sex in the ocean. Generic bach producers said, "Ok, this is a family show, moonwalk that shit back, let's call it 'kissing in the ocean'" Then the date card arrived. Once they cleared the air - JP thought the next best move was to hang out with Crazy Clare at yet another one of his suites and cuddle on the couch? God damn - get this man to the fantasy suite already.

Oh, look! Chris Harrison is doing a pre-cocktail party interview with Juan Pablo. He still looks like he wants to punch the guy in the face, though.

This is when the cocktail parties start to get really good. Chelsie and Kat just did the math we’ve all been doing through the whole episode. They now see that this game is zero-sum. A rose for the other girl is a plane ticket home for you. 

But don't these girls know if the other ladies are so far ahead already that it's only a matter of time before both Kat and Chelsie will be gone? If it's that obvious they are the bottom two, the show only has one winner and there are eight women left...I mean srsly can we just say goodbye to both of them now?

First up, Chelsie does the insane desperate babble of a woman on the verge of being driven to the airport for a very long and uncomfortable red-eye flight. Is the “trauma” of her commitment-phobic ex-boyfriend enough to buy her another week? JP has spent all his time literally with his tongue down the throat of every other girl so far. And she’s babbling.

How does Kat step her game up? With a journal. And some trauma involving an alcoholic father. Nice try, Kat, but in the end, your Paternal Abandonment Hail Mary came up short. Kat’s going home, which is apparently a “good feeling” for Chelsie. The claws are out. 

Poor Kat, A rose ceremony is not the time to bring up a trauma. In fact a rose ceremony isn't time for much of anything as most bachelor/ettes know who they are sending home before they get there. I say if you feel you might be leaving, don't try to save yourself here. Just drink up, have fun and try to resist the psychiatric probe you will subjected to on the limo ride home to ensure those bachelor franchise tears!

Next week, it’s Clare vs. Nikki. Week Six was about the time when Tierra revealed in her meltdown that she has a rogue eyebrow, right? So these ladies are a little behind. Let’s pick it up, gals.


JUAN PABLO WEEK FIVE - motion in the ocean

Get lucky.

SA: It was the slut shame heard round the world in Vietnam this week when self professed 'ice queen' (anyone else starting to doubt the accuracy of that title) stripped down to her skivvies and became the first bachelorette in many seasons to get lucky before Chris Harrison sanctioned it appropriate with a fantasy suite key. And if there's one thing I know about the bachelor it's that no one is supposed to do the deed before CH gives it the go ahead.

Speaking of which, Josh, have you noticed that Chris Harrison has been bizarrely absent from this season? Where are the one-on-one interviews? Where is his recap of the sitch in the house? He only seems to appear right before the rose ceremony and then vanishes again until just before it finishes. JP is being forced to act as bachelor and host - I can't believe he had to tell the ladies himself that three of them would be going home - oh the humanity!

JA: I couldn’t agree more, Fia. I was thinking last night of how much I was missing Chris sit down with the Bachelor/ette before each elimination to recap and make them cry. But I guess Juan Pablo is crying all on his own, so he doesn’t need Chris’s help.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here - let's backtrack. First thoughts are that they are really stepping up their travel game this season. So far they've been to Korea and Vietnam which on any other season could have both been final destination spots - but for JP these are just stops along the way. We need only remember that Des's first travel local was...Atlantic City.

Yeah, I too was very impressed that the grand tour of Asia continues in Vietnam, especially after Des went nowhere special. JP and the ladies are going to a lot of wonderful and exotic locations. To think that the guy with the kid is the one shtupping girls in the surf halfway around the world!

In an odd moment of honesty Nikki starts the ep off by admitting to being the source of all the drama last week? Okay, I guess we'll take it but compared to Tierra's eyebrow everything thus far has seemed pretty tame.

I’m looking for who’s our bonafide crazy person. This week it became clear that the producers are grooming Clare for that role, but yes, by this point in Sean’s season Tierra and her eyebrow were already freaking out and getting “pushed” down the stairs and contracting “frostbite.”

Renee gets the one on one date and if anyone even dares talk shit about it they are the devil bc Renee is a saint. Thankfully all the girls know this and choose to wait and talk shit until the group date card arrives and everyone can be jealous of Nikki for getting the second one on one guilt free.

I’m so glad House Mom Renee finally got a one-on-one date. Long overdue. I’m having a hard time seeing a connection, though. As Patti “Millionaire Matchmaker” Stanger would say, I don’t see how she gets him “juicey goosey.” But maybe this date will prove me wrong. I want this date to prove me wrong. As real as Sharleen is, Renee is simple and uncomplicated in the best way.

I was a little worried when Juan Pablo said he thought the date would be a "great day for Renee", he quickly corrected himself to say it would be good for him too but I am beginning to feel like JP likes and respects Renee and may just want to give her a nice vacation before he sends her home. This was further cemented when the date included buying her a nice dress and pushing her around like a baby in a stroller. I sort of feel like he is treating her like his daughter who just brought home straight A's on her report card. I think this is Renee’s reward for being such a good babysitter for the other women in the house.

Renee is so pretty - why doesn't he want to kiss her? Why does he assume her son is going to watch this show? She practically has to force him to kiss her at the rose ceremony by telling him her son is "mature for 8" and "understands his mom is going to kiss men". That does it and he's all over her - she already has a rose and I begin to embrace the idea that Renee might just be a slow burn after all - hooray!

I am so over Juan Pablo’s whole “I only kiss childless people” rule. It’s clear that he’s sorting these women into two categories: the women whom he’s penalizing for already having children by denying them their God-given right to make out on ABC, and the women whom he, you know, bangs. It’s a weird madonna/whore thing. (Speaking of which, I love when he and Andi started kissing on the beach and Andi goes, “Sucking face again… sorry, Mom. Another episode you can’t watch.”)

And JP has already said in interviews that the show is “too racy” for Camila to watch, so who are all these children drinking cosmos at their Bachelor Nation parties every Monday?

I enjoy Kelly the dog lover's one liners so much that it devastates me she might go home tonight. IE, when the girls are asked to pair off and Claire is left solo and must pair with JP, "for the 1st time in someone's life not having friends is an advantage"

I wrote that line down too! Brillz. But yeah, she’s so going home. As soon as I heard that three women were going, it was clear that the numbers weren’t in her favor. Or Danielle’s. That is her name, right? Danielle? Is she a deaf-mute?

Can someone tell Cassandra that we do have farms in America, farms are not a strictly Vietnamese thing. You’re from Michigan, Cassandra. Get it together.

And then...Claire and JP have sex in the ocean. I mean, they did, right? Like that's why it's such a big deal. That' why Claire described it as "pure bliss in every way". That's why they have that glow about them when they get out. That happened and oh, man, Claire - you may be happy now but just wait til JP's shame hangover sets in…

Okay, I spent quite a bit of time breaking this down. Yes, it is my conclusion that they had sex. She wasn’t crying like she’d just, you know, whoops, given him a quick handy. They banged. Also, she also used the phrase “went for it,” as in, “We just went for it.” That’s sex.

I did feel a little bad for Nikki going into this date when JP said he hadn't slept much the night before and she innocently (yet also somehow accusatorially) asked, "because you were excited?"

But man, what better way to ensure JP's shame hangover than to follow up unprotected ocean sex (with a woman you are not exclusively dating) with a one-on-one date with a pediatric nurse who tells you working with sick children gives her hope. In the wife column that little number just put Nikki +1 and Claire -1000. It's a shame the world works this way, but it does and Claire should have been smarter.

Yeah, this whole situation gave me a lot of feelings, or at least it gave me what approximates feelings when I watch the Bachelor. Of course, whenever things like this happen, the focus gets put on the woman, because (as we all know) women are the ones taught to be the regulators. Men obviously are the victims of their renegade penises, those volatile appendages whose sole mission is to burrow into orifices at the expense of dignity and self-control. So because women are fortunate enough not to be burdened with penises, the task falls to them to be the vigilant gatekeepers. In short, women = Gandalf, and men = Balrog.

Now, we all live on Actual Earth, not Middle Earth. I can’t help but notice that Juan Pablo went out of his way to bring Clare up to his suite just to show her. You know, in case maybe she wanted to stop by at four in the morning for a booty call. Why on earth would he bring her up there if there wasn’t at least some effort to plant an idea in her head? If he hadn’t shown her the suite, she wouldn’t have known where to go later that night. So I’m a little tired of Juan Pablo’s weirdly inconsistent moral compass. You don’t even kiss a woman on camera because you think her 8-year-old will be “pissed at you” but yet you give no thought to the consequences of ocean sex with Clare? Is the underlying assumption that a single woman with no children shouldn’t get the same consideration as Renee? Sorry. I could write a paper about this.

Andi got a lot of screen time for being confused and manipulated by the central workings of the show, and yet remained likable the whole time. This makes me think she might be our next bachelorette candidate. Also, I'm pretty sure the producers forced JP to give her the rose last.

I too was thinking about who would be the next Bachelorette. I’m not seeing the Des spark in any of these girls. Maybe Andi? But doesn’t she want to go back to being a district attorney? Aren’t there cases to prosecute in Georgia?

Then we said good bye to three of my favorites. As a goodbye present they finally let Danielle speak, although in actor terms her role still would have been deemed an 'under five'. Goodbye Kelly the dog lover, we'll miss you, and PS - what's your twitter handle?

Do you think Sharleen leaves next week?!?!?