kaitlyn // week nine

This is Ben H... holding a baby. If you need us, text our ghosts, because we're dead.

Sofia Alvarez: I still haven't watched this week's bach (I know sacrelig.) I was out on Monday and caught the last half hour. It was enough to see most Nick's hometown, and all of Shawn's. Since we've known this was a two-horse race for week's now, I just don't think I need to go back and watch K pretend to like Ben H. for an hour. Ima let you take it away, Josh. (Should have done this days ago...)

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game phrase is “eskimo brothers,” mainly because I had to ask the internet what that means. Apparently, it just means two dudes who have had sex with the same woman. According to Urban Dictionary:

Origin: Because of the cold in the far north, Eskimo hospitality extends to sharing of beds and female companionship. A visitor is considered a brother.

The more you know…

Ben H can do absolutely no wrong, but put him on a horse and it’s GAME OVER. And dumbass Kaitlyn continues to say things like “hanging out with Ben is so easy and so nice,” which are things I’ve said about all my lady co-workers. Doesn’t mean I wanna marry any of them. I think Kaitlyn truly cared about Ben, though, and wanted him to have the best chance possible of being the next Bachelor, so she took him as far as she could in the competition. It’s kind of sweet, honestly, and it shows that Kaitlyn is thinking about the fans.

Of course, Ben H gets sent home. Part of me is sad but another part of me knew this had to happen if he is to be the next Bachelor. You could even tell in her interview with Chris Harrison when Kaitlyn said, “He’s gonna make a great husband…” The end of that sentence was clearly “...for someone else.”

I enjoyed watching Kaitlyn and Shawn golf. I think these two have the best all-around chemistry, as long as Shawn can drop the whole Chris Bukowski possessive thing. It seems to be freaking her out. She used the word “intense,” and not in a good way.

This Shawn v Nick thing is getting super old. You can tell the producers are prodding Kaitlyn to keep stoking the conflict between them. Note that Kaitlyn never told Ben H that she’d had sex with Nick. She only told the guy who has sworn to be Nick’s mortal enemy. These confrontations between Shawn and Nick are becoming forced.

Nick’s hometown visit was stressful. This show stresses out Nick’s entire family. Even little Bella is cracking under the stress. Note that only about three members of Nick’s insanely huge family attended this hometown visit, and they all just came down to Kaitlyn’s hotel because no way in hell were they inviting another Bachelorette into their house. I had actually forgotten until I saw Bella again that Nick has 300 brothers and sisters. I honestly don’t know how I’d feel about having an 8-year-old sister-in-law.

Nick's mom's tears are so real. She has no idea what her son is doing on this show again. She desperately wants Kaitlyn to be her new DIL, because if she isn't, it means her son will be #2 again and is headed for MASSIVE MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

So, is there some reason these hometown visits are all happening in Best Westerns, next door to insurance sales conventions?

Just another part of Kaitlyn's "punishment" from ABC for playing by her own rules. Perhaps the finale will take place at a water park w screaming children all around.

I really have nothing to say about Shawn’s hometown visit. I nodded off once or twice, actually. And (duh), Shawn is in love with Kaitlyn. 

Shawn's hometown was, eh, I dunno. I am over Shawn. Either of these men are going to be devastated. Let's get to it already.

Is it bad that I am not invested in this outcome? Like, I just want it to be January already so I can see Ben H every week?


And Josh, do not forget about #paradise !


kaitlyn // week eight

Mmmm... boy tears.

Sofia Alvarez: Even though he's my favorite, the one-on-one with Ben H. is pretty boring. We all know that this is a two-horse race. As fast as they try to speed us through the other men, we can't help but to roll our eyes. We all know, that unless Shawn and Nick kill one another in combat, there is no way any of these other dudes are taking home the final rose. Don't sweat it, Ben H. you're odds are looking good for #bachelor. Also, #calledit.

Josh Allen: You did, in fact, call it. You are basically the Joe Biden of Bachelor Nation. Yeah, there's no way on earth Ben H wins. But as I've said before, if Ben H is revealed to be the next Bachelor, it might be too late by then for me to join the house, but I will certainly show up to The Women Tell All in drag and just slip in with the rest of the ladies. I bet you no one notices. 

Also, tonight's drinking game word is "time." Everyone's desperate to get "time" with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is upset about the "time" she spent with Nick in her bed. I also love how K just keeps cancelling cocktail parties left and right. She comes into the room like, "I've already had plenty of free wine in my hotel room, so I'm ready to hand out some roses. Mmkaythanx"

What producer is such a big fan of hide and seek? Unless it's within the content of babysitting a child, no adult has ever chosen to play this game voluntary. I guess this is the lazy producers go-to activity for dates with 0% chemistry. See Andi and Chris on multiple occasions.

Kaitlyn to Ben H.: You are lovable, I just don't love you.

I did LOVE Kaitlyn's face after Ben H. told her they would, "talk all night" in the fantasy suite. She was like, "Honey, the only reason I would keep you in to get some of that sweet, sweet Ben H. loving. If I'm gonna spend six months engaged to Shawn and his red face, I need to go in with some reserves in the spank bank."

I also love that she asked him if he was a virgin. Kaitlyn literally says whatever is on her mind and I love that about her. Get all your questions out now sweet cheeks.

So agreed. The crazy thing is that I wouldn't have been completely gobsmacked if he had admitted to being a virgin. But after the hot pile of drama that was made out of Becca's virginity, I kind of can't deal with any talk of "waiting until marriage." 

In classic Bachelor fashion, Kaitlyn takes the two guys who are locks for overnights + the filler guy on the group date. At this point in the process, one-on-ones are reserved for those you are deciding between. In this case - who would I rather have sex with and send home in the same week: Ben H or Jared?

I would rather bang Ben H, but there's no way I could send him home afterward. I therefore vote for a Fantasy Suite night with Jared. I don't find Jared attractive in the least, but he seems like he's got a fun sense of humor, so we could definitely play a rousing game of Parcheesi until I got drunk enough that his looks didn't matter.

I don't really understand how upset Joe was at Kaitlyn after being rejected. Joe could have used a lil bit of Tanner's self-awareness. Joe, buddy, there was no way you were into those drawers. Have you seen the chemistry between K&S, K&N, K and every other guy here who is not you? She literally cringes when he kisses her. I mean, Joe, let's be real - you've never gotten a one-on-one date, you are done, son! In the best worst exit line of the season, after walking away, sans hug, Joe quips - "what do I do now?" I guess they couldn't get that white loser van close enough to the park for his liking.

Joe was never ever ever going to win. I can't believe he even got this far. You could tell from Kaitlyn's body language during that awkward bench chat that this was the end of it. I honestly thought Kaitlyn was going to pull a Chris Soules last week and just send JJ and Joe home at once. I never understood why she kept Joe around for one more go-round. I could see if she was being kind and wanted him to be able to see another nice destination, but they are STILL IN IRELAND.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn that the producers are forcing her to tell Shawn she had sex with Nick, mere hours before she is contractually obligated to have sex with Nick again. What is the point of this? To see if that blood vessel in Shawn's forehead actually bursts?

This is where I take serious issue with these Bachelor producers. (Yes, this is apparently where I draw the line. You can see how long a leash I give these producers.) Turning Kaitlyn into the Whore of Babylon is a desperate move, especially considering that they effectively structured the entire season around the "event" of her sex with Nick and subsequent slut-shaming. She didn't even seem that drunk to me when she decided to do it. It seemed like it took several long conversations with Bachelor staff to break her down to the point where she was convinced she was a woman of loose morals. But this Cersei Lannister Walk of Shame is on a whole new level. Making her tell Shawn serves no purpose other than to make Shawn hate Nick even more than he already did.

You've gotta hand it to him that he handles it pretty well in the moment, before raging out later in the episode, after he's had time to sleep on it, and the blood vessel's had some time to rest.

Yeah, I never found Shawn that attractive to begin with, but all this roid rage over Kaitlyn banging another dude (or even looking at other dudes) is annoying. I love, though, that Kaitlyn held her ground and was like, "I want to explore relationships with other people. I really shouldn't have said that thing I said to you in San Antonio. That was shitty of me. But I'm not sending everyone home three weeks early."

And then, in the most surprising twist of the episode - Jared, Jared, the one-and-only rat face is sent home. I was blindsided by this. BLINDSIDED. I realize others might not care about this as much as I do. Jared v Ben is the equivalent of the world cup game the 3rd and 4th place teams are forced to play after they've already lost in the semi-finals. IE, who really cares at this point. But, come on, guys. JARED! I know it's an impossibility at this point, but if Kaitlyn ever had a shot at a lasting marriage with any of these men, it was with Jared! They have a fun, easy chemistry and unlike the others, she seems wholly comfortable with him. He doesn't make her nervous in the right wrong way. He makes fun of her. She's into his rat face.

Here's what I think: knowing neither Ben H or Jared would last another week, the producers urged K to keep Ben because he's a more viable candidate for bachelor and they want him around longer.

I completely agree with your assessment. Jared was never going to be Bachelor. He's too niche. Ben H has a broader appeal. He's taller, better-looking (sorryboutit, Jared), and would wear heartbreak like a custom glove. As for Kaitlyn, I think she's thinking about who she wants to be her boyfriend now, not who she wants to be her husband later, which I suppose is one strategy. Isn't Jared going to paradise, though?

Later in the episode, Kaitlyn and Nick do something that makes her skin look amazing and eat Canadian bacon. Shawn continues to rage as the blood vessel hangs on by a fucking thread.

On to next week, when Shawn will definitely ask Kaitlyn if his peen is bigger than Nick's.

Can't wait. I mean, we only have evidence from how happy Nick is making these ladies in bed, but I'm willing to take bets. 

PS No offense to Canadians, but on this one occasion, I have to side with one Nick Viall: you can't call it bacon if it's ham. That's confusing.


kaitlyn // week seven

Goodbye, Cupcake. We hardly knew you.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “reassure.” Or “mistake.” Actually, “mistake” sounds like it’s going to be the drinking game word every week from now on.

Hometowns are supposed to be next week and there are still NINE dudes. There’s going to have to be some sort of Red Wedding this week, right?

Technically, in old school bachelor land - hometowns are in two weeks, it's only because we are in these weird mash-up episodes that it seems so close. But yes, there is currently a lot of dead wood circling K. The thing I did love about this ambush is that it's proof you eat AFTER the dates. And the fish laid out at every sweetheart table is just a prop.

Okay, I tried to give Shawn the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to have genuine feelings for K-Dogg and because he’s the poor man’s Ryan Gosling (like, the really poor man). But this hotel room ambush is not cool. He asks her point blank, “Are you in love with me? Yes or no?” She clearly wants him to stay but she makes it clear that he has to decide whether he can handle watching her date other guys. And it’s a very hard decision since after their talk, Shawn sat outside for what appeared to be twelve straight hours. Gotta be honest -- he’s starting to annoy the hell out of me. What did he expect her to do with all these hotel room visits? Did he want her to just send every other guy home and end the season three episodes early? Had he already sat down with Neil Lane and picked out a ring? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Shawn, you’re on a television show. If you didn’t want to deal with this insane process, then you should have just downloaded Tinder and gone on a bunch of awful first dates at Thai restaurants like the rest of us.

I agree completely. I know we are in fantasy land here but, my god, is this is a preview of the life with Shawn to come: get. out. now. I can already see Kaitlyn coming home late from dance class, a bi-sexual fellow chorus member on her arm. They are laughing in K's signature way as the guy regales her with a dating story from his weekend. Shawn watching through the window - holding his signature Guinness, steaming. Kaitlyn, jokingly, smacks her friend on the ass, then he hers. Shawn busts through the door and KILLS THE MAN. Kaitlyn starts to cry, "he's gay! Shawn, he's gay!" Shawn hulks out, "I don't care, no one touches my woman."

And now it’s JJ vs. Joe. I absolutely love two-on-ones. The pressure of direct competition usually makes people insane and forces them to deploy their craziest stories of personal trauma. Usually. This was the fastest, most boring two-on-one in history. Like, I don’t even think they finished that one glass of rosé.

Kaitlyn on Joe: "Joe is a real treat." This is what you say about someone whose genitals you have no interest in ever seeing.

Joe seems like a perfectly nice, sweet earnest guy. He doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a sense of humor, though. Like, I could never imagine him making JJ’s corny Bono-U2 joke. Joe also had no personal confession of infidelity to make Kaitlyn feel like their relationship had “progressed.” But in the end, JJ has a daughter. Oh, and he’s in love with Clint. Kaitlyn decided that it was therefore best for JJ to just go away.

I do feel bad for Joe that he thinks he's falling in love with Kaitlyn when they've never even spoken. I hope this raises his stock in Kentucky and he finds a nice, pretty girl when he goes home. I think I've said this before, but Joe is like the really nice guy you sit next to in science class. You don't want to date him yourself, but you're always trying to convince your single friends that they should.

This was also the longest, most drawn-out cocktail party/rose ceremony. I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn had no idea Tanner was still there. I feel bad for Ben Z, though. I’m not sure why Kaitlyn booted him over someone whose nickname is Cupcake.

I love that Tanner, knowing he was going home and not caring, was just watching the drama play out like the rest of us. I think he even said, "I can't wait to see what happens between Nick and Shawn." Me too, buddy, me too. Also, when she sends him home, they don't even interview him. Tanner, you did it right - made some friends, did some traveling, now, maybe, you'll get to go to paradise. I do feel bad for Ben Z. though, how did Cupcake make it longer?

Okay, Kaitlyn and Jared’s road trip is pretty adorable. I think I giggled. #newfrontrunner

I liked it too. I like how comfortable they are with one-another. I like that he makes fun of her. I regret having referred to him as rat face for the first have of the season. But, I don't think he makes it further than top three. Which is a shame because I think that K&J might possibly have the best long-term potential.

In another game-changing bombshell, Chris Harrison announced that only three guys will survive this week and go on Overnights… in Ireland. I’m used to Overnights happening in tropical locations, i.e. sunburnt sex with sand still lodged between your toes. This is a huge move on the producers’ part. Or it’s budget cuts.

It really seemed like Chris Harrison was punishing Kaitlyn with this. I thought it was because she had sex with Nick already and now they were trying to force her to have sex with everyone else, which I hated. But Sharleen Joynt makes the point in her recap, that they are actually punishing her for sneaking out to visit Shawn a couple of weeks ago. Many leads have talked, post-season, about how they're are really only two or three guys you're into and everyone else is just filler. No lead, whether you like it or not, has made that more apparent than K. But I think we should still go through with hometowns, Shawn is acting like such a little bitch, that he might just implode. And I would have loved to see Ben H's fam, which we are obviously, now, not going to get to do. Overnights will be Shawn, Nick and Jared and then Jared goes home. It's a damn shame, but that has to be what's happening.

This one-on-one with Cupcake filled me with a heavy sense of dread from the very beginning, especially since I know it will end with Cupcake bawling on a sea cliff. Kind of reminds me of when Chris Soules left Kelsey and Kim Kardashleyan to wander the South Dakota wilderness. There is no romance whatsoever to this date. They should be huddled close, making out as the sun sets over the Irish Sea (that’s what I’m looking at, right? The Irish Sea?). But instead, Cupcake’s trying to convince Kaitlyn that she’s just scared. We’ve all been there with someone who checks off all our boxes. I mean, Cupcake is a very handsome, seemingly very sweet gay dentist from Nashville. What’s not to love?

I hated how he was trying to blame it on her. I saw a rotten side of cupcake here. Um, honey, just because she doesn't want you, doesn't mean she's not ready. Pretty sure based on this exit interview, Cupcake was a wolf in baked good's clothing all along.

P.S. Is this a thing now? Every season a contestant has to be abandoned by a helicopter and then have a complete nervous breakdown while a producer awkwardly stands 18 inches away? That girl was SO close to him.

P.P.S. Next week, ABC apparently makes Kaitlyn confesses her Nick sex to every single guy over and over and everyone cries. #shame

Do you think that nun with the bell from GoT is avail?