DES week 8: Meet the parents

JA: Ohmygosh this episode is gonna have everything. Crying moms. Des’s coked out but logically sensible brother. Chiropractors. Men in skinny suits. Also, word on the street is that this rose ceremony will end in a crazy limo meltdown. Fingers crossed.

Zak is from the Big D!! Woohooooooo!!! (See how desperate I am to drum up excitement for this episode?) Like you, Fia, I do enjoy Zak and think he’s cool, but I just don’t see them together. No knock to Des, but I see Zak doing better. To make everything even cooler, Crazy Chris from Emily’s season is live tweeting this episode. #stillnotoverit

Also, am I weird, or is Zak’s face kinda shaped like Quagmire’s from Family Guy? Especially when he’s telling her about his weird dream. Okay, never mind; he had me at Sno-Cone. But please don’t give her a ring. That’s weird. It’s so weird.

SA: No, you are 100% right and now I can't stop thinking about it. Even though I love Zak he does have a tendency toward chipmunk cheek. I feel bad even writing that tho, because really the only thing I have to say about Zak is that I hope he finds love soon. When at the end of this ep he talked about how his life back home is a lonely life it just made me so sad. Thankfully guys who make it this far on the bachelor usually pull some serious tail once the show is over.

I would love to pay attention to these conversations Des is having with Zak’s “mom” and “sister,” but her sea foam-colored pleather jacket is distracting me. It’s so loud that it drowns out their voices.

Agreed re the jacket, howevs if you'd heard that convo with the sister you would know that Zak is in the friend zone and his little sis and Des both know. This isn't going to end well.

Now that we’re with Zak’s caffeinated family, get ready for their big break in music. Am I cynical, or does this song seem like their way to show America their Osmond-like musical stylings? Also none of these families EVER LOOK ALIKE. However, Zak does win my Most Improved award. For a shirtless “drilling fluid engineer,” he’s come a long way. I just wish he hadn’t given her what looks like a legitimate engagement ring.


Oh, and now we’re in Scottsdale, home of douchebags. No offense to those of our readers from Scottsdale (who I’m sure are lovely), but normal people seem to be a rarity there. Also, HOW IS DREW STRAIGHT? I know I have broken gaydar, but I’m just gonna keep saying it every week.

He is. He's gay. Come on, right? He just is.

My favorite Drew quote: “I’m in love with Des, but I still haven’t said those three magical words to her in that order.” So you’ve said them… out of order, Yoda?

I wasn’t feeling it from Drew’s family. Like, sure they’re all really nice people. But like. What’s so special about them? And when Drew talks to Des, I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I don’t know what it is. I’m just really not on board. It’s not just my Scottsdale bias talking.

This sister thing is so exploitative to me. I don't like it. And I don't really like Drew. Sorry, Tess.

Okay, I’m biased in favor of Oregon because it’s a beautiful place and one of the people I love most in the world is from there (why aren’t you reading this blog, Megan Densmore?). But it makes total sense that they’re playing youth baseball because Des loves to picture Chris as a little boy. She even said so moments ago.

This baseball thing was the cutest part of the episode. I know I said it last week (and the week before that) but these are the only two who actually look like a real couple. But Sadly, I don't think Chris is her guy in the end.

Oh, this stuff with Chris’s dad is so bizarre. I’m literally just looking at my keyboard as I type. I don’t want to watch this man do things to people’s backs and noses. This is so gross and unhot.

Chris’s mom is the Arie’s mom of this season. I love a mom that gets real. And that has real crazy hair and is clearly drinking.

Chris's mom is scary. Arie's mom was just a cool bitch. This mom is weird and possessive and does anyone else think Chris still has feelings for that ex he loved whom his family forced him to break up with? Thoughts?

Wow, what is with Des and the Western boys? Arizona, Utah, Oregon. Did anyone else catch Des say she loves Brooks? Oopsie….

When Des unfurled that sheet of paper, I was terrified that it was more bad poetry. But either way, she wrote something for Brooks, and not for any of the other guys. That says a lot.

Brooks said as soon as he got home he stopped thinking about Des. This boy is over it. Also, Des gave him the legs around the waist hug which is a classic bachelorette when they are more into the guy than he is to them.

First of all, Brooks’s parents’ house is amazing. Okay, why do I unironically love Brooks’s family? Especially his mom, who I actually believe is his mom. Mainly because she says things to him like “you’re my favorite,” which is totally something a mother of multiple children would say. I’m just afraid of what Nate is gonna do to these guys.

And he bro who was like, 'can she hang with you?'. Despite the name tags, this family is great.

Everything Nate says is legit. I just wish it came from someone who wasn’t so cokey. And why do these producers have him creepily staring around corners and lurking behind columns...in the lobby of the Beverly Hilton? That’s weird.

That's like showing us a gun and then not having it go off, if Nate is lurking in a corner in the teaser as the guys are entering - I want him to accost one of them during the rose ceremony.

Sorryboutit…I’m fast forwarding through this Chris Harrison chat. #notreallysorry 

JOSH. You have got to stop FF these. This is where Des always tells us how much she loves Brooks. How are you going to be as shocked as America when he leaves her (my guess) if you don't know how deep her well of feelings is?

Uh oh, here comes the most intense rose ceremony of all. So intense that it needs a red carpet. And apparently it also needs Des in a dress covered in glitter glue. Wondering if she made that herself.

Full disclosure - I like that dress. And with the exception of a few massive fails in the beginning of the season, and her shoes, I think Des might be one of the best dressed bachelorettes we've seen. #lowbar

Awww, so sad that Zak is leaving just as he had totally won me over. I know he’s been a fave of yours from the beginning, Fia, but it took some time for me to come around. That’s so crappy that he gets eliminated after his family sang that song and everything. But dear Zak, please don’t give crazy eyes on your way out. And did you hear Des’s word salad as she saw Zak off? “I’m getting rid of you because...you expressed yourself?” Tell the truth, Des. He weirded you out with that ring.

Oh, Zak. This monologue plus this music. It’s so epic and sad. And the “ring toss” at the end? Stroke of genius.

After Men Tell All I think we know that Juan Pablo is our next Bachelor but my vote is still for Zak. Stay strong, Buddy.


DES WEEK 7: love is in the air

JA: This teaser promises another epic installment of Des’s Lackluster Search for Love. But it’s the last week before hometowns or, as one of the boys put it, “the most pivotal day of my life.” Oh, and Des just called this week pivotal also. That makes “pivotal” our drinking game word for this week. I was gonna make the drinking game word “family,” but I don’t wanna pass out.

Oh yay!!! Lesley, Catherine and Jackie from Sean’s season!!! Girl time!!! You know it’s bad when I’m thrilled to watch contestants from past seasons as a breath of fresh air, especially Lesley, whose cocktail NEVER LEFT HER HAND. Also how awkward was it when Catherine was like, “Sean says hi. And that he’s pulling for you”??? And then it turned into a terrible giggly episode of Sex and the City. Or worse yet, a televised Sex and the City viewing party.

SA: The convo about Sean was so awkward! Catherine tried to play it down by saying they both just wanted a best friend, but I feel like I could see the 'I still have no idea why he picked you over me' in Des's eyes.

I literally don’t have anything to say about the Brooks date, except that Madeira was the star. I forgot what they were saying as they were saying it. Brooks’s word salad about his family was completely unintelligible. Also that fireworks show was awfully well-timed, wasn’t it?

Awful how they were forced to jump into the air screaming, 'we're on cloud 9'. Also, does Brooks look bored? Uh-oh. She's running towards love and he's only jogging...I hope for poor Des this isn't a case of "I like you the most...because you like me the least."

Whose amazing boat are Chris and Des on? #ineedbetterfriends

And now with Chris they’re writing more bad poetry. Don’t they know the rule they established? If you’re gonna write stuff that sounds like Backstreet Boy lyrics, you’ve gotta do it in a foreign airport at 5am as your Ambien wears off. And then at dinner, another I Love You poem. I just hope this doesn’t end in another private concert somewhere. I will say, though, that they look more like a couple than any other permutation of Des + Boy.

Yes, Chris is my choice for Des. There was a great tweet that came in during the poetry session where some clever gal commenting that D&C should start carrying around rhyming dictionaries.

I also love the irony of Chris asking “Do you ever take boys home to meet your parents?” And she never even mentions Sean.

Why do we even pretend meeting her family is a big deal to Des? She left when she was 18, never sees her parents and pretty much hates her brother. This means your family is on the hot seat, C. Because this girl srsly needs a low drama destination for Xmas.

My favorite Michael moment: “when I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions.” And then he short-circuited and a few of his wires started sparking. I hate it when my robot needs rebooting. He is so going home. Also I feel like “sweet” is a kiss of death word. Anytime someone says that they might be falling for you, and you say “that’s so sweet,” it probably means you don’t feel similarly. Des also called him “protective,” which is definitely something you say about your older brother.

This dinner is so painfully boring. Michael can’t stop talking like he’s at a job interview. He just goes on and on and on. Also, if your heart is that fragile, why did you start dating a girl who has 24 other boyfriends?

Des looks like she wants to stab him with her fork just to make something happen. Also, she looks pained when he tries to kiss her. Oh god, if only she were allowed to vomit. Howev, she got herself into this mess by keeping this drip around so long.

Aww I love Drew and Zak’s bromantic code of honor on the two-on-one. I don’t know if I can deal with how metrosexual Drew is, though. Also, if I recall correctly, he’s from Scottsdale, which is too hot. Clearly, it’s very important to Des that her future husband be good at go-karts.

At least Zak did some memory art instead of a bad poem. He’s growing on me.

I think I’ve put my finger on what bothers me about Drew. He barely makes any eye contact while he says all these incredibly intimate and tender things like “I’m falling in love with you” and “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” He just stares at his shoes while he says them. Des’s body language says she likes Drew a little more than Zak, though, so he’s probably gonna get the rose.

At the beginning of this date she said she feels like she's hanging out with two guy friends, us too, D. I think Drew manages to weasel his way into hometowns by pulling out the 'mentally challenged sister card' because what decent girl is gonna follow that up with, 'Actually Drew - I don't want to meet your handicapped sister." Nicely played, Drew. I like Zak and think he'll sneek into hometowns, but sadly I fear he's not long for the show after that.

I’m fast forwarding through any and all Chris Harrison conversations. Fia, if you’d like to comment, feel free.

JOSH - you can't fast forward thru these. She just said she loved Brooks. Like in her weird marathon analogy she's finish line. FINISH LINE, Josh. But Brooks is still barely speed walking. Oh, brother.

This limo ride is a clear indication that Des dodged a Mama’s Boy bullet by sending Michael home just before hometowns.

Fav quote was from Michael's mom when she said - "here we go again..." Someone send this guy a mail order bride catalogue.

DES WEEK 6 - aka How is Michael still here?

JA: We’re finally in Barcelona, where Des is walking into cathedrals, presumably to pray for a husband.

Boy oh boy, Drew is...very metrosexual. I feel like he was disappointed that the one-on-one date was just “exploring” and not shopping for hair product. That boy is COIFFED.

And now, Des, let’s duck into this little restaurant for some Tapas ‘n Trauma with Drew. What’s it gonna be this time? Oh. An alcoholic father with leukemia. I guess he had to one-up those of us whose fathers are just hopeless drunks.

SA: I know Drew has a lot of fans out there - but I am not one of them. This was classic trauma for a rose territory. I think producers make them write down their issues on little cards during casting, give them back right before a one-on-one and say, 'use this wisely and you may make it to the fantasy suite.'

Is it just me, or was it totally weird that Drew was like, “in lieu of dinner, I’d like to drag you down this strange alley in a foreign city and french you against a wall.” This looks to me like he was watching prior seasons to brush up before his season started and he saw Arie do that to Emily in Prague and he clearly took notes.

Ya, except when Arie did it we all thought, 'oh yeah, give it to her'. And when Drew did it, it was just so perfectly planned as to make it kinda boring - like those outfits and perfectly gelled hair.

Midway through makeout, Drew’s like, “oh right! I forgot I was supposed to rat out James.” I love how the boys had a pact that whoever got the one-on-one was gonna let Des know “the truth” about James. If it were me, I’d come home the next day like, “Sorry boys. I was too busy going to second base against a concrete wall to do your dirty work for you.”

That's why you, Josh, would be the last one standing after the final rose.

This group date is soccer. In Spain. I get the strange feeling that someone here might have an unfair advantage...hmm...wonder who it could be. Oh, maybe it’s the Spanish-speaking former pro soccer player.

This is where we all though JP was gonna shine and they barely let us see him!!

James = worst goalie ever. I’m sure the other boys will use this to their advantage at some point in the course of the episode. “He’s not here for you, Des! He can’t defend the goal...OR YOUR HONOR!!”

I have GOT to figure out how to get ABC to subsidize my housing when I travel abroad.

Des and Chris are in her bed reading her bad airport poetry. Is that officially a thing? Scribbling terribly-rhymed jetlag verse on the backs of postcards and cocktail napkins?

Was this the one where he wrote her a poem or she wrote him one -- either way any gal whose accepts a dude's cocktail napkin poem without snark and then follows it up with her own cocktail napkin poem seems to be into said dude. I vote Chris for our winner. They look the most like a couple anyway.

This James confrontation is so so so so boring and I can’t believe they’ve been building up the whole episode based on this. I am so tempted to just fast forward to Zak’s date. Oh, and now they’re dropping words like “hearsay.” Like I said last week at our Umami Burger dinner, they have GOT to STOP with the whole Michael prosecutor bit. But, um, Kasey? You’re a bit out of your depth here using words like “counter-accusate.” Not a word, Kasey.

How you view this conversation between James and Des depends entirely on whether or not you believe James can cry on cue. She probably has to keep him though, at least for now, because otherwise the show doesn’t even have a hope of drama remaining.

This season is so boring. I think it may be because Des seems like a real person, any gal I think I could maybe be friends with in real life I do not want as my bachelorette. Can you imagine where this season would be right now if they'd picked Ashley????

Gotta hand it to Zak -- he did draw a picture of Des in the style of Picasso. But when that nude male model walked in, that’s when this episode really started to turn around for me. And once they get to dinner, let’s see what trauma Zak pulls out. Oh, so smart, Zak -- what beats the trauma card? The “I Want the Same Amazing Happy Marriage as My Parents Had” card.

I love Zak. He is such a sincere and happy weirdo. I keep being nervous she is going to send him home. Thank god this one on one went well.

And yet another James confrontation, this time with Drew. I need Des to either double down on it or send him home. But no. They’re gonna drag this out for the entire episode. And right on into the Rose Ceremony.

HOW DOES MICHAEL KEEP GETTING ROSES? THEY’VE NEVER HAD A ONE-ON-ONE AND THEY’VE NEVER EVEN KISSED (have they?!?)!!! Sorry I had to do that in all caps, but how do you keep Michael and get rid of three other people? Also, I’m not a math expert but this means there are five men left. Which means we’re ONE WEEK AWAY from Hometowns?? How is THAT possible?? I’m confused. So confused.

The fact that she kept Michael - the worst. And sent the amazing JP home is insane. In the words of my BFF and pun master Liana - a "Des-Grace"

More important question: why hasn’t Visine done product placement on the Bachelorette? That was the teariest, red-eye-est promo I think I’ve ever seen.