Hey, man - try not to drop a lady on the first date.

SA: Welcome back everyone! 

JA: I’m watching this at the home of the lovely and talented Megan Mostyn-Brown. I will quote her where appropriate. Welcome, Guest Judge Mostyn-Brown!


Is it me, or was that the most intense Bachelorette season teaser in history? Tears! Fistfights! SO MUCH SELF TANNER! And then after the thrill of that, we have Des driving a weird Subaru up to her new Malibu house. My question: how did she drive up that hill wearing that awful wedge heel? I bet some poor PA had to drive her all the way until she was just out of frame.

I had the same thought, but it was more along the lines of -- why are they showing us this busted car? Oh it's because Chris H. is about to give Des the keys to a powder blue Bentley she'll never be allowed to drive except for this weird California girl montage where they are supposedly showing how 'fun' she is, all they are really doing is making an LA resident do humiliating things in LA. 'See that group of seagulls, go run through them! Great job, now try on cheap sunglasses - awesome!" (I cannot even get into those roller skates and socks - it's like they are making her do an awful group date alone and in public.)

Where’s all her stuff? “Maybe all she packed was her little red dress…and a Navajo bag full of dreams.” –MMB

Two minutes in and Des is crying as she relives her heartbreak from being rejected by the Texas Tomato. Don’t worry, Des. Twenty-five awful douche shiny-faced men are about to erase that memory.

They are playing this Cinderella card a little too hard. I think they were so bowled over about how 'open' Des was last season about not having money as a kid that they've made it the theme for the whole season. I mean, when Chris H. points to the Bentley and the Malibu dream house and Des says she can't believe how far she's come - they both know all these perks are just for the two months of filming right? Des - you don't get to keep that stuff!

Four minutes in and Des is…crying again. Something tells me she’s not totally over Sean. Something else tells me that this season’s drinking game word is less a word and more every time you see Des crying. Alright. Here we go with the guys. I’m gonna try my best to stay awake through their video segments.

And true to form, we’re getting the requisite sad backstory (“Hey Brandon, can you walk on this rocky beach for us, and as you look out at the ocean, please think hard about your heroin-addicted mom?”) and sweet shows of sensitivity (“Look, America! I adopted a one-eyed dog. Because I’m SENSITIVE.”) and attempts at cute quirk (“I’m a magician, so I get to hide my weird pyromania behind a rose illusion.”).

Look at this stack of photos of your family and talk about how hard your life was, the bachelorette this year used to be poor so she'll totally relate! great job!

Douchebags on parade. Scottsdale douchebags. Texas douchebags. California douchebags. Ladies…why haven’t ALL of you gone lesbian by now? Also, and I mean this honestly and I hope it doesn’t make me sound racist, but ALL of these men look alike to me. And it doesn’t help that their names are all Brad or Brandon or Bryden or Brian. And there are multiple Zacks. Also why is everyone a huge juicehead? It’s like someone took 20 normal-sized men and inflated them all with a bicycle tire pump. I’ve also decided that either Sean’s Grease Girl is working overtime this season or she needs to trade her grease for powder because you could fry a chicken with the stuff you could wring out of these guys’ hair/faces.

Don't worry J, I can't tell them apart either. Des must have told the producers she's into juiced up meat heads. To which they replied - 'Dunzo, that was easy!' (Remember the diverse array of ladies we got when Sean said he has no preference?? Maybe the only thing I'll ever claim to miss about Sean's season)

“Wait, am I actually watching Burning Love? This is that guy who can’t stop talking about his kid.” –MMB Couldn’t agree more, Megan. Also, real quick open letter to Ben: don’t name a baby Brody.

Ah-hem, if I were Des I would've asked for further explanation on "We're just two friends who decided to have a baby"...

Why are they all wearing patterned suits? What ever happened to basic black? Fail. All of you. Where'd that hashtag guy go -- #bachelorsuitfails (sidenote on hashtag guy - he's no one I would want to go on a journey of love with, but at least he's kind of funny #keephashtagguyfornow)

I think it’s really inefficient that Des has to walk back in the living room every time she wants to give a guy a rose. Megan and I think that she should sling that Navajo bag right on over that sparkly dress (‘twould also help with that retinal damage I’m getting from her dress sparkles) and tote the roses around in there. Then again, that bag is already full of Des’s Dreams. She’ll probably need a second Navajo bag.

Maybe she should carry that rose tray around like the cigarette girl at a club.

The second that Shirtless Douche jumped into the pool, I thought to myself, “That’s a really dumb way to try to get a rose.” And then Des gives him a rose. I’m clearly rusty on my Bachelorette skills. No, but seriously. I need him to find a shirt. Are we going to have to look at his odd, hairless, bulging torso all summer??? I like boys and this isn’t even a little bit hot.

I feel like these bachelors are all taking it so seriously so soon that I kinda give shirtless guy props for jumping in the pool. And I liked how Des didn't even wanna talk to him really but she was like, okay, you're cold and wet, you can have a rose. She knows she only has to take like, 4 of these guys seriously anyway.

What’s with Doctor Larry and the glasses? First on, then off, then on again. My first thought was, “This continuity sucks. Where is the script supervisor?” I think he’s banking on Des having pity on him for bungling that dip out in the driveway. Larry, you’re not gonna parlay that screw-up into some sort of affection from Des. Because girls don’t want to marry the guy they pity. Don’t get me wrong; pity makes me REAL hot and bothered, but I don’t think Des is going for it.

He practiced that dip on 50 different women!! If you can find 50 women to let them dip you and you're also an ER doctor, can't you find a wife on your own? I guess not. Maybe it's because of the creepy glasses on / glasses off eye contact.

Can we talk about the giant mug of whiskey that guy’s drinking? And now he’s tearing through the house looking for Des. This can’t end well. Oh, wow. This guy is really wasted. Like, SCHWASTEYFACE. And getting a little rapey with all this talk of the fantasy suite. And getting grabby as he drags Des down dark hallways. I’ve never been more relieved to see someone sent home. I was terrified that the camera crew was just gonna stand there and watch awkwardly as Des blew her rape whistle repeatedly. (That’s the weird dangly thing hanging off her ring, right? A rape whistle? Good thinkin’, Des. Good. Thinkin’.)

I've been trying to figure out what that ring thing was all night - of course it's a rape whistle! You are a genius, J. 

This rose ceremony went almost exactly as planned. I was super nervous that she wasn’t going to give a rose to Chris, who was the only guy in my estimation who struck the right balance between funny and endearing with his whole “tie my shoes” bit. Gotta be honest, I have PTSD from Bachelorette contestants named Chris (see Mr. Cray-Cray from last season), but this guy is reasonably cute and seems normal. Also, he doesn’t look like a steroid abuser, so he’s my immediate front-runner.

Gotta say - no standouts for me yet. Looking forward to seeing who gets that first date card! Til next week...