ANDI: Week 2 "everyone's gay, drunk cousin and the golfer"

shots! shots! shots! shots!

SA: Initial thoughts are that Chris Harrison has been on air more in these two episodes than he was the entirety of last season.

JA: If we were in first grade, Chris would be going through the whole school telling people that Juan Pablo had cooties and that's why he didn't want to play with him. I'm so glad we're back to someone he can stomach.

When the dudes were touring the bachelor mansion and one of them said something ridiculous about being in a house where "so many people" have fallen in love, I thought, five - a house where maybe five people have fallen in love.

Ha! I completely thought that also. I thought it was a place where many more people have contracted herpes. Also, as the morning went on and the guys got ready to see Eric off on his date, I feel like the number of shirts dwindled. I think all 19 of these guys are forced to share the same three shirts.

I can't snark or say anything mean about Andi and Eric's date for obvious reasons. The only thing I thought on the date when they got into the helicopter was, "please don't let the surprise be the hollywood sign" the bachelor uses that one way too often. But then it was snowboarding in Big Bear and Eric was so good at it and cute with Andi and then I got sad all over again.

It was especially eerie  when they had the talk about him being in Syria and how he said goodbye to his parents then to follow it up with her asking if he would risk his life in the same way if he had a family and he said no and that the list of dangerous things he needs to cross off his list before he settles down is getting smaller. Can you imagine this poor boy's parents having to watch this? What a horrific experience for them. Now I know why there were talks of canceling the season.

Can we just impose a moratorium on anything snarky when it comes to Eric? Like, can we just agree that it is always too soon? He was soooo adorable and normal through this date, too. And the date even ended with a fat girl treat for Andi -- s'mores! I am terrified that he's going to get really really far and we might actually meet his parents. I am not even a little bit ready for that.

Before we even get to the group date I thought to myself, "Craig is everyone's drunk cousin".

Then he proved me right. Also, he is kind of like an overgrown drunk child. Sitting criss cross apple sauce on the couch in boat shoes asking who wants shots.

Did you notice that the golfer was always with Craig when he was acting up? They could be an onscreen duo - everyone's gay cousin and the golfer.

Aww, Fia, now I want a gay drunk cousin! I suppose I shall have to bust out the bourbon and become my own gay drunk cousin.

This frat party group date was the frattiest, weirdest, most homoerotic evening since every evening of my dreams. Just kidding, dear readers. I don't want you to get the impression that I find this behavior at all enjoyable or desirable outside the safe, cozy, rose-petal-strewn confines of the ABC network. But this Magic Mike group date is taking ManCandyMonday to a whole new level. Craig is always drunk. And Fia, the fact that you called it "criss cross apple sauce" reminded me of your long and illustrious career as a nanny. Because you know we all grew up referring to it with the much less PC term "Indian style."

Oh, no. Andi does not have time for this BS. She's trying to have a convo with the Israeli guy from Barbados and can't concentrate bc of the all the fratting around going on downstairs. Marcus manages to calm her down and snag the group rose but really, that group rose belonged to Marcus from the time she declared him the solo dancing because she thought he could, "handle it".

Completely. You know how sometimes, a group rose is a "just don't fuck this up and it's yours" rose? That was Marcus tonight. This group date made me realize how into him she is.

But not even Marcus and his good intentions could stop Hurricane Craig from destroying the evening with his shots of Fireball (which he later called Firefly, but I went back and reviewed the tape and it was indeed Fireball...but who knows, he may also have been drinking Firefly too). But Craig is just following a prestigious tradition of alcoholic meltdowns during Week Two. Just last season it was everyone's favorite bathroom-dweller, Victoria. 

I wish we'd had more Sharleen / Kelly commentary. Me too!! One of my favorite moments of the whole show was during Magic Mike when Andi leans over and goes, "That's Brian. He's a teacher." And Kelly says, "I'll let him teach ME!" The thing I love about Kelly is that she's always a good time and she's not afraid to drool all over a boy, even if that same boy is competing to become your fiancé.

Also did you notice how JP's gf was missing from their fierce foursome reunion? Do you think it's because she was unavailable or because JP forbid her from having anything to do with the show. Or does ABC want us to pretend last season never happened?

Yeah, I totally think any appearance by Nikki would be a grim reminder that somewhere out there, so many awful besitos are happening. Ess okay.

This race track date is pretty cute even though there is no way Andi is ending up with the farmer.

I don't know why, but I had a surprising amount of side-eye for this race track date. On one hand, I get it -- ABC has to save all their money for the upcoming exotic destinations and generous supply of Fantasy Suite condoms, so in the early weeks we are forced to watch everyone go on odd dates at L.A. tourist traps. But this seemed so unimaginative, even for The Bachelor/ette. They just happened to sit next to an older couple who've been together forever? Lucky coincidence! Glad the cameras caught it! Please -- those old people are definitely SAG-eligible at least.

Josh M. is playing the game really well. I don't believe for a second he hasn't dated in 5 years. Andi is right to be cautious but we already know that he's her type and he snags a kiss at the rose ceremony w/o even a one on one to warm her up. This guy is #trouble.

I literally wrote in my notes "Oh boy - Josh M is gonna be trouble." Anyone who believes he's been single for 5 years should send $5000 to a Nigerian prince.

Also, even though I had no doubt Andi was gonna keep Marquel, he and I are breaking up. His cocktail party suit was instantly disqualifying. Plaid shirt, floral tie, striped socks? Who are you, Harrison from Scandal?!? Someone go get a spoon for my mouth, because I just had a seizure.

ANDI WEEK ONE

creepster

JA: There’s nothing like a Bachelor/ette season premiere. The sense of possibility in the air is undeniable… until Chris Harrison opens the show talking about the guy who died. Now every time we see him, we’re going to know he died. Sigh.

SA: This is v. sad, but guys it's a new season and esss going to be...okay.

Question: is this opening segment showing Andi quitting her job? Like full-on quitting it? Why is she packing up her office? Was her job like, “We’re happy for you, but we can’t just stop prosecuting gangs because you’re going on a reality show, so we’re gonna need your office space, thanks”?

Ya, and she said, "I'm leaving behind a great career" so basically...they were like, um, we humored your going on a reality show once but that shit is not gonna fly twice. Unlike many of the other bachelorettes, Andi had and is leaving a real career and so the stakes are possible a little higher for her. Are they going to have to start calling her a "former assistant district attorney" because then she would be better matched with the "former MLB player" on whom she seems so keen.

I liked the convo with Andi’s sister where they reset us right off the bat. Andi is clearly not Juan Pablo; she will be doing a healthy amount of kissing with no weirdness or judgment.

Ah, yes. The time-honored tradition of the skinny suit parade, in which 25 indistinguishable men in shrunken blazers traipse into and out of cars. In other words, exactly what it looks like at lunchtime at CAA. (Industry humor! Zing!) 

This group of Bozos was so indistinguishable to me that I actually had to watch parts of this episode twice. Even the second time in I was having a hard time keeping all the brunette Kens apart.

My highlights:

Cody, the personal trainer from Chicago who felt it necessary to flip up the collar on his blazer. I don’t know about you, Fia, but I definitely got the douche chills with this guy. He’s gonna be the troublemaker of this season. There’s a little bit of Mikey, a little bit of Kaylon, a whole lot of drama.

Ugh. This guy was the worst, I bet he smells like Axe body spray and winterfresh gum. Gross. 

What is a “pantsapreneur”?

Dunno, but oddly he managed to make it through to round 2.

Tasos scored a bunch of points with that gimmicky thing with the lock and the key and the fountain. I feel like this is like any job interview, where you’re supposed to do something charming and not creepy that makes you stand out. (Put a pin in “creepy”... we’ll be coming back to that when we talk about Chris from Emily’s season.)

But whenever a girl says, "that was adorable" after a guy walks away as if she's talking about her best friend's new goldendoodle, it's not necessarily  a good sign.

I thought Andi was massively flirty with Mr. Stoked and Rad, the California guy with the floppy mop of hair. Which is why I was shocked to see him eliminated.

Anal with an M.

Where did that lamp come from, Brett? Did you really steal it from the hotel? That’s weird.

And here we have another weirdo who made it through to round two.

Do we just need an opera singer every season? Like, is that a thing from now on?

Notice the difference between Sharleen who said, "um no, this is my real job, I am not singing for you" and this guy who is apparently an opera singer from Long Beach? And was trying to belt out notes while the other dudes held their ears.

Andrew, the social media marketer from Culver City, is clearly taking this season’s Drew slot, AKA the guy with super questionable heterosexuality. This was confirmed during the cocktail party, when he and Patrick made an intense love connection right before our very eyes. In two years’ time, when ABC does Andrew and Patrick’s gay wedding special, we will be able to say we were there when the sparks first flew.

Yes, with these two we got to see first hand that though they may not be there for Andi, they are def there for the 'right reasons' if this show is all about finding love. 

When Eric got out of the limo, I got sad. Because I know he’s dead. (Also, why is someone from the Bachelor family dying every season?) I almost looked away from the screen when he gave her those cute dolls. All I could think is that I wonder where those dolls are now. It’s all too sad and too real.

I also think he makes it quite far, like maybe even hometowns far - why else would ABC have considered canceling the season?

Andi is shaping up to be an incredibly self-aware Bachelorette. When she was talking to Josh M, she was very clear that he’s the type of guy she would normally go for… and that might be why she’s still single.

I’m sorry… did Marquel literally give Andi a black and white cookie? #junglefever #subtle (But to Marquel’s credit, he did cash in on the fact that the way to Andi’s heart is to feed her inner fat girl.)

Now Eric’s back. This is a strange emotional roller coaster I’m on with this episode. Okay, so I did a little research on his organization, Global Odyssey (http://gowitheric.com/world-travel-record/eric-jonathan-hill/) and I’m very ambivalent. I love travel and adventure and the spirit behind the idea that we’re all global citizens, but visiting EVERY country and encouraging people to do so seems ridiculously irresponsible. Afghanistan? Syria? North Korea? No. But I guess none of that is relevant because he died in a paragliding accident in Utah, of all places. I get that ABC owns the footage, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch any of Andi and Eric’s courtship through this season.

And then there was Chris Bukowski. I would first like to remind our readers that WE CALLED THIS CRAZY two years ago, Fia:

From Monday, July 2, 2012, when Emily finally sent Chris B packing:

Fia: Chris didn't see this coming, he's the only one. Also he's getting really agressive with her, which also reminds me of my Polish landlord when I see him yelling at people on the phone.

Josh: OH this is awkward. Is someone ready to intervene in case Chris gets angry and smashes things, like Emily’s collarbone?

Yup. Called it. First of all, do NOT mess with Chris Harrison. I love very few things more than I love watching Chris Harrison go into older brother/protector mode with the Bachelorettes. “The only thing that happens from here is that it gets BAD.” (Subtext: “Please let it get bad, Chris Bukowski. We have several large security men who would love nothing more than to clothesline you on camera.”)

But really, what was that?? Did Crazy Chris actually think this stunt was gonna work? I guess he did, since it worked for Kacie B during Sean’s season. But anyone whose behavior is modeled after Kacie B “Ben’s Season” needs help.

First off, J, your dramaturgical research of our back posts is extraordinary. Secondly, does Chris forget what a jackass he was on bachelor pad and how he played, manipulated and disrespected every girl on that show? Obvi that's the kinda shit they want to go down on BP, but on the more family oriented 'bachelor/ette' that kind of behavior is not tolerated. Even if Andi had wanted him in the house, CH would have blocked it. Because when before when a desperate former contestant (KB, that weird girl from Ben's season) has wanted in the mansion have they been stopped at the gate? 

http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/bachelorette-crasher-chris-bukowski-explains-attempt-to-meet-andi-2014205

That Facebook pic of his? I’m sure when he took that picture with those roses, he thought it was sexy or endearing. But it’s just. Creepy. And his tweet about how he should have gone through the back entrance was SO not a joke. He’s one of the more terrifying people to ever grace this show. As for Chris Harrison, here’s what he had to say: “Part of me was secretly hoping he would make a run for it and try to get into the house — that wouldn’t have ended well, but it would have made for an interesting night.” Gotta love CH.

Did anyone else feel bad for urgent care doctor Jason, who upon being eliminated said, “Not going back to a whole lot.” And Josh B’s drunken rant was pretty good too. Where do you think he wandered off to?

I LOVED Josh B's drunken rant. I think they should bring him back. 

Sorry for the delay on putting this up. Hope to be more prompt with the next round.