DES WEEK 5: journey into the clouds

SA: I guess American Apparel sponsored this trip to Germany because all our boys got new zip up hoodies for the plane.

God I hope Michael and Mikey have to go on the two-on-one together and then she sends both of them home. These two are the worst.

When Bryden interrupts Des' one on one with Chris they really used those masks in the square to their advantage. I'm pretty sure these howling masks can find something better to be devastated by than Bryden leaving the bachelorette.

JA: I’m always really encouraged about life whenever someone voluntarily leaves the Bachelorette. It comes off as classy and mature. And Des comes off as the opposite of that when all she can say is “I wish you’d said that sooner.” These guys are dropping like flies.

Chris - "When I'm on this date I don't have to worry about anything! I don't have to worry about what time I go to bed. I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth!"

Umm..did this statement give anyone else pause? Like Chris might have one of those diseases where his body ages faster than his brain - that sounded like the quote of a six year old. Then Des doesn't help by saying she loves spending time with him because she can always see the little boy in him. Thoughts, Josh?

I am so so so tired of private concerts with bands I’ve never heard of. From the moment Chris stepped out of the limo and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit, he’s been my pick for a frontrunner. And clearly Des likes the boys who can have a youthful playful side -- she climbed trees with Sean. I just didn’t realize she wanted them THAT youthful.

She really seems to be loving this poem though. And as much as I want to hate, in fact am dying to hate on bad, cheesy airport poetry...this was kind of a nice moment for these two.

The poem was really bad, but considering that the first draft was probably written on a cocktail napkin, it’s as close to Langston Hughes as any of the Bachelorette boys is going to get.

I think this group date looked awesome. I want to do that. Nice one producers. Everyone seemed to actually be having fun and I thought it was super cute when Brooks shoved a handful of snow in Des' face. Although I don't know if white wine would be my drink of choice after an afternoon of winter sports. Get these people some hot toddies. Or at least red wine. Save the yacht sauce for the beach.

I couldn’t agree more. They literally took a ski lift into the clouds. It’s the first group date that I was actually jealous of (aside from the Soulja Boy video, of course).

Super awkward when Brooks went to go and steal Des from James but then instead just watched them make out.

I see your awkward, and I raise you creepy.

On to the most awkward two-on-one of all time. I can't stand to look at Michael's stupid face and I felt certain he would go home since Des hasn't even talked to him this season. Then when he started get all prosecution on Ben again I thought, 'Des cannot possibly keep this psycho, make him leave now'. She teased us with sending them both home which would have been fine but then once again proving she has the worst taste of any bachelorette to date...she gives the rose to Michael! I don't even know what to say.

This two-on-one is so intense, and I’m afeared that Michael is playing all his cards too harshly. Also, please stop with the awkward and forced courtroom metaphors. We get it, Michael. You’re a Federal Prosecutor. And according to how you’re doing on this date, I hope I get busted for drug charges in your jurisdiction, because you suck. Once Ben excused himself from the table, I thought it was so so so over for Michael. And then Des inexplicably kept him...?

Oh really, Des? No cocktail party? Did the intense two-on-one date take up too much footage? This doesn’t look good for Mikey. She can’t get rid of Ben and James in the same episode. We need at least one villain to stick around for the rest of the season or else this show will basically eliminate the need for Ambien nationwide. Also she signaled during the group date that James wasn’t going anywhere and the only thing Mikey did on the group date was weird her out about maybe forcing her to stay in Chicago and become his Baby Machine. Also, is it me, or do Mikey’s eyes seem just a centimeter too close together? I’m just saying... I feel like he’s been hitting the Muscle Milk a little too hard. I still think he was genuine though. Ah well.

Now onto Barcelona where Juan Pablo is really going to shine!

He’s finally gonna be able to communicate with the locals. I smell a one- or two-on-one for him.

Til then...Fia & Josh

DES WEEK FOUR: what's your talent?

SA: Sorry again for the delay...I promise I'll be better. Josh and I had lunch last week and he described these bachelors as 'a bag full of hammers'. It made me so happy I had to share. Here we go...

JA: Am I the only one who sighed very deeply when Chris Harrison said there were just 13 guys left? That’s still so many meatheads.

Why are they going to Atlantic City...in wintertime? Does Des just love piers and beaches that much? At least she’s in a sensible pea coat.

And now that Brad is getting the one-on-one this soon after his awkward talk with Des last week, I suspect that Zak W. is exactly right. Des just wants to get him back to his son and his restraining order ASAP.

Drink up, Des. This date is going nowhere fast.

During this entire date, including the part when they “stumbled” into a chocolate factory, I felt like I was having a Jessie Spano caffeine freakout. “I’m so excited...I’m so excited...I’m so...BORED!!” And if I’m this bored, Des has to be nearly comatose. Kiss of death: when Des says that dinner was great, which means she actually ATE the dinner. And we all know that when a woman scarfs down her dinner on a date, she’s over it. But my only question is: why take him all the way up to a romantic lighthouse to dump him? Couldn’t he have just gotten his dinner to go?

I say that you have to be really suffering to want to climb that many stairs just to get away from the awkward rose on the table. What they didn't show us is that now Dan is supposed to jump to his death off the light tower? Oh, he's not? Okay then it's just the most awkward walk down the stairs ever. And then...a cab? No limo for you Dan.

“I don’t feel like she rejected me or Maddox. She made the right decision for herself.” That’s why you’re going home, Brad. You’re way too reasonable for television.

What intern wrote, "I wanna love that will light up the darkness" for the lighthouse date card?

And now here comes my favorite group date of the season. But that’s not saying much because this season has been setting the bar incredibly low -- so low that an ant couldn’t limbo under it.

This group date has everything -- another pretty girl for the guys to ogle (you okay with that competition, Des?), an over-it gay pageant coach, Chris wearing heels, Drew struggling through some iambic pentameter. My favorite quote might have been Ben, though: “This Speedo’s small...it’s gonna bear a LOT.” That’s a great way to tell America you’ve got a big package, Ben.

You can see Michael and Mikey salivating at that line. They are so jammed they get to be on this group date with Ben.

I want a live-tweet scroll of what the mayor of Atlantic City is thinking right now. #yesplease

And backstage, the men are forced to grease each other. WHERE IS GREASE GIRL? Has she just been permanently fired due to budget cuts? Or maybe the men got together and decided they wanted to bromantically grease each other.

Zak grows on me every week. I think he should have been crowned Mr. America. Though Casey's tap dance was pretty good. Also, it's week four and I am finally able to *almost tell these guys apart.

These one-on-one dates really are a mixed bag, aren’t they? She goes on some weird boardwalk chocolate factory non-date with Brad, and then tours disaster areas with James. Ew. Emily Maynard just tweeted that James reminds her of Ryan from her season. You mean because they’re both kind of muscle-y and brown-haired? Because otherwise they’re nothing alike. Way to stay relevant, though, Em.

Maybe it's because they both have those beady little eyes.

Man, they spent a lot of this episode with that old couple, didn’t they? The Red Cross must have really pushed for all this hype from the show. Although I will say that the old man crying when they went through their restored wedding album was seriously and unironically touching. I kind of want the rest of the episode to just be them. I don’t want to see a weird cocktail party.

Yes, this old couple is great. But did anyone believe that Des and James giving up their date was spontaneous? Come on. But even though we had to spend the date with James - I liked this part of the episode - I mean an advertisement for the red cross is pretty admirable compared to some of the things this show has put us through.

I love how Des and James have this super touching Sandy date... and then he goes to tell her how he couldn’t keep his wiener in his pants... when he was 18. Why is he even telling her this? Is it because he has no drug-addicted mom or abusive stepdad or inability to properly metabolize insulin? Without any traumatic stories like that, he has to resort to confessing cheating on his girlfriend... freshman year of college??? This is reaching.

Agreed, totally ridiculous. I bet when you get offered a spot on your show they make you write out at least three traumas and then you have to sign a contract promising to bring them up whenever possible.

And at the cocktail party, Des has to remind us all that her family was poor. You’re right, Des, your family has gone through a lot. Like having a d-bag for a son. Did you forget that we met them during hometowns last season?

I feel like the one real moment of the cocktail party was Bryden going all Catherine from Sean’s season and starting to confront the actual non-TV reality of what it means to have feelings for someone. Or that could have just been yet another half-baked attempt to drum up suspense for yet another unsuspenseful Rose Ceremony. 

I was watching with my mom and she thought Bryden's out burst was more of a..."If I can't have you no one will...and then he kills her".

Obviously Zack K is going home. They didn’t even bother to show any of his Mr. America performance. And if they did, I completely forgot it, which makes it even worse. Although we did learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter. Is there ANYONE on this season who doesn’t have kids? Did Des tell the producers she really really REALLY wants to be a stepmom?

She did tell Dan and Ben that she would love it.

Next week: Germany, land of beer and two failed attempts at world domination.

xx, Fia & Josh

DES WEEK 3: "I'm all out of tears"

Des and Casey show us how to make out during a windstorm

SA: Sorry for the delay on my end Josh and readers, since the last post I've moved from Brooklyn to LA. On to the show...

JA: Dodgeball? This isn’t going to end well. I love that they shut down the Americana in Glendale for this awful display of grown men in tiny shorts. I hope none of them was planning to reproduce, because those testicles are being crushed to death.

Can I jump back for a minute and point out that in the teaser we saw Ben wearing that awful tank top that I guess it's required at least one bachelor wear per season? (Ryan last time and even that fan on BP). Do they send these things in the welcome basket? I cannot believe these dudes could be buying them. If I were the Bachelorette I would have them handed out on the first day and then any guy who put it on would be sent home immediately. Don't want that thing cropping up AFTER you've committed.

Oh no! Brooks just pulled a Tierra, except unlike Tierra, Brooks is actually injured. Why injure yourself, Brooks? First of all, if there was any such thing as a sure bet for getting a rose this week, it would be you. Also, don’t you know that winning these things doesn’t actually matter, since you’ll all get snuggle time anyway?

As painful as I’m sure a broken finger is, they’re way overplaying this ER bit. If we’re really gonna go full ER, let’s go all the way and cut his clothes off. I mean, you never know what kind of complications that broken finger could cause. Might as well get him naked and be thorough about it.

Agreed but that finger did look pretty gnarley. Get that man some codeine.

Wait, who is Brad again? I feel like whoever this guy is, his thought process was, “I’ve been waiting for the right time to air all my trauma. And by trauma, I mean my kid, because I heard Ben has one and I need to one-up him. Did I mention my baby mama is an alcoholic?”

Even if his ex is a friend of Bill, a restraining order and domestic assault violation are major red flags. But Des seems oddly cool with it...

I love how Brooks has to go to the rest of the group date in his awful shrunken dodgeball uniform. Here’s hoping he’s super hopped up on pain meds. Yep. He is. Logic says he’d get a rose for breaking his finger, but he’s so safe this week that it made sense to give it to Chris.

Also after he didn't get the rose I think he just peaced outta there. He probably told Des - "listen can you give the rose to someone else, I can't dance through a weird concert right now."

Wait, who is this girl giving this “private” concert? And can someone revisit the definition of “private,” because everyone can still see them dancing. Really cruel, guys.

Finally, we get to the girlfriend reveal! ABC is committed to doing things in the most awkward way possible. What was that phone call from Chris Harrison? Either way, Des is fired up! That’s right, gurl -- fire up the baby blue Bentley and handle yo’ bidness!

And the girlfriend belongs to... Brian. (Who’s Brian?) 

Brian is the one from Baltimore! And Stephanie has bmore written all over her. I wish I knew where they went to high school.

I feel really bad for this poor girl who allowed herself to be used as a tool to spice up what is otherwise a terribly boring episode. Once Des gives him the heave-ho, Brian is not just kicked out, but escorted off the premises by Pauly, the big scary Bachelorette enforcer. Is he like Bachelorette Secret Service, and he’ll protect Des for life?

Don't feel sorry for this girl Josh, she totally has a right to be pissed but she is hella crazy. I mean, am I the only one who heard my fav quote of the night..."Yes I did throw rocks at your face" ????? Also she got to take Brian's limo and he had to ride off in the weirdo security van.

Dear Brandon, please stop making Brian’s girlfriend about you and your mom. We get it. She was an addict. But you’re an addict too. You’re addicted to your abandonment issues. And you need an intervention.

Here, Here Josh. Well said! Other thoughts from about the men watching from the house -- 1) Is Brooks' cast growing? 2) Ben is so happy to be out of the hot seat (even though I'm still not sure how he got there). 3) Dan - who are you and where did your neck go? Did you ever have a neck?

And then we have the worst one-on-one date in history. I’d say that the Sean-AshLee Make-A-Wish Date at Six Flags was the worst one-on-one in history, but that wasn’t quite a one-on-one because there were two disabled teenage girls hanging out with them the whole time. But this Kasey date is pretty bad. They’re... dancing on the side of a building?? And then they go up to the roof of the building and... there’s a hurricane?? So during the hurricane, instead of going inside, you... jump in the pool?? I don’t understand any of this. Just please get to the Product Placement Group Date, because this is painful.

Honestly, I wish every date could be a Product Placement Group Date, because Des and the producers are really bad at coming up with date ideas. But holy shit, Juan Pablo. Who needs English? Hot is the universal language. I have a feeling he’s gonna stay around a lot longer than Armando-Ricardo-Eduardo whatever his name was (Emily’s spicy Latino).

I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn't know where he is, or that any of this is being filmed. Also I bet he takes it upon himself to peace out after the FS date, I don't get the impression he's ready to settle down. Too many ladies to bed.

And wait - those Lone Ranger costumers swept Bryden's combed down bangs to the side and he looks so much cuter! I still really like Zak but I think Des is 'friend zoning' him (thanks, Sean!)

James you are filler and Des should send you home. The rose? Bitch please. I have no idea where Des is coming from sometimes. This girl has really weird taste. 

And Brooks cast IS GROWING!

Am I the only one that ain’t mad at Ben for sneaking off with Des? Don’t hate the playa, boys. Hate the game. Ohmygosh why are Mikey and Mikey acting like Ben is their boyfriend? Listen to how they’re talking to him... “I can’t trust you”... “I can’t tolerate being lied to”... I love watching boys try to get dramatic.

Michael and Mikey are so obsessed with Ben it makes me uncomfortable. Also, who's that pizza guy?

Brandon, Brandon, Brandon... you’re creeping America out. To say the words “I’m falling in love with you and we barely talk” is a sure sign that you’re nutso. And now I’m bored with you. You’re not lasting much longer.

How many bachelors can you fit in a hot tub? #hottubclowncar 

Ugh - Brandon, Michael and Mikey I hope you all get sent home. Is this the dumbest batch of bachelors or what? Also, I think (hope) that dress was a way too expensive Bridesmaids dress some mean bride forced Des to buy and she's just trying to find an excuse to get her moneys worth and wear it again - otherwise there is no excuse. That thing is hideous.

And... Brandon goes home, along with Dan (who is Dan?). Props to Des for getting rid of Brandon. She’s finally seeing what the rest of us saw in Week 1 -- that he needs some serious therapy. He so clearly “fell in love” with Des because he was looking for someone to cure his abandonment issues.

Brandon's fallen face as he realized he wasn't getting the rose was maybe the best thing I've seen this season. When he says what a horrible mistake this was does he mean Des not picking him or telling a girl he hardly knows that he loves her? Bst quote of the night -- (that I predicted before he said it) "I can't even cry...I'm just out of tears." You sure are buddy!

Til next week...

Fia & Josh

DES WEEK 2: trying to create drama when there is none

JA: As I live blog tonight’s episode, I gotta admit. Something about Des’s Frat House makes me really uncomfortable. Burning question: how far do you think they let Des drive that $150,000 car before they hitch it to the production wagon and drag it down PCH?

Okay, so Brooks gets the first one-on-one, and they go try on wedding dresses. Every guy’s first-date dream, right? He’s handling it well, though. This is actually giving me Ashley/JP flashbacks. He’d basically have to tell her he has heads in his freezer not to get a rose.

SA: And this is the first time we see Des play her well hidden crazy card. I thought she was taking him there to show him where she works - oh no, it's to pose together in wedding attire in front of the mirror.

And NOW we get to play “two white people in a Bentley get lost in the ‘hood” for… what reason exactly?? Oh, right. A bridge being blocked off by Production for a private dinner. You know, like you do. My first dates in New York basically consisted of me awkwardly shouting “I’m so glad you look exactly like your profile pictures” over the noise of the crowd at Republic while the NYU student next to me sneezes in my Pad Thai. #whyiamsingle Also Brooks, you had that rose even before your hard-to-follow Traumatic Parent Story. Just go to your private outdoor concert and make out.

Brooks is from SLC and where they don't have that scary, scary....graffiti. Also, this is where I admit I watched Bachelor Pad because they shut down this exact same bridge for Kalon and Lindzi's date. As soon as we heard that distant music I knew we were in for another classic bachelor franchise 'concert by a musician no one's ever heard of' - what I wasn't expecting was Des' rag doll dance. Brooks didn't seem to mind it though, in fact their lack of rhythm was quite compatible - final four candidate? 

I’m sorry. When Des talks about “juggling 14 men,” I get the shivers. Also, did you know that love is like hip hop? ‘Cause you just have to go with the flow? (Can Soulja Boy be my life coach?) Ten minutes into this segment and I do not understand this group date AT ALL. That was the worst, most incomprehensible group date ever.

I don’t recognize Zak with a shirt on. But let’s be honest. I also can’t tell any of these guys apart. Wait. I’m sorry. An antique journal? That a father inscribed to his daughter, but that the daughter never wrote in? I’m so so so confused. P.S. “right reasons” are tonight’s drinking game words.

Except for Brooks (who I actually like so I don't know why I'm giving him such a hard time), but his drinking game word is "lessons". He's really into them. As for this rap video - I have nothing to say, the cringes we all felt while watching speak for themselves. 

At the risk of alienating all of you, can I say that I kind of like shirtless Zak - I think he's funny, sweet and still manages to seem like a dude without trying to fight anyone else here. Don't get me wrong - he's no one I'd want to date - but compared to the rest of these clowns I wouldn't mind if Des kept him around for a few more eps. 

Also, did you know that love is like a butterfly? You hold it too loose, it’s gonna fly away, but if you hold it too tight, it’ll die? Held a lot of butterflies in your day, Brandon? And they are trying really hard to make Ben into Tierra, but I’m not quite buying it. For one thing, Ben looks like he’s in control of his eyebrow. Des, you CAN’T marry Ben and move to Dallas!! Sean is there!!!

Uh oh, here comes Brandon again. Is he turning into the AshLee of this season? We need at least one or two guys to be really intense. I’m still having a hard time shaking the memory of Emily’s Chris. Also, I love how Brandon’s like, “Crap, I need a rose. I was saving Heroin Addict Mom until later in the season, but screw it. I’m gonna bust it out now.” But it STILL WASN’T ENOUGH!

Brandon needs to leave like, NOW. And note to all Bachelor contestants - you cannot use your sob story card on a group date. These are only rewarded on one-on-ones when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is then required to pony up the rose so they don't look like an ass. Pull it out too soon and you may end up sharing your intense battle with diabetes with Des and Ben.

And now it’s Bryden’s date. Why are we over an hour into the show before Des reminds us how poor she was growing up? Also, I can’t help but think that ABC blew their whole budget on the Brooks date and they were like, “Okay, so we have enough money for you to drive yourselves to Ojai and to eat out of a gas station. Is that cool?” I wonder what Bryden’s trauma is. Oh, it’s a car accident. And he brought pictures of it. I know that they drink all their food on the Bachelorette, but those pics would still make me nauseous.

When you get your 'what to bring on the Bachelorette' check list I bet it includes 4x6 photo prints of the most traumatic thing in your life, then there's a little note that says 'make sure to have these on you at all times!!"

I thought the date was over, but now we’re getting nekkid in the hot tub. Go Des!! But can you tell she’s in that hot tub giving him “shut up and kiss me” eyes? It has got to be tedious hearing about childhood trauma after childhood trauma when all you want to do is just get to second base. 

I give her props for just saying it when he wasn't taking the hint. Tess pointed out that simple, farm boy Bryden is probs just nervous in front of the cameras. 

Des’s hair stylist hates her. Either that, or Des keeps asking for the same limp, unflattering blowout parted down the middle and the stylist doesn’t care enough to interfere.

Growing out your bangs is always a tough stage, but it's gotta be worse when you choose to do it right before you start publicly dating 25 dudes.

*sigh* And now diabetes???? These guys are the biggest boner killers ever. Wait, I’m sorry. Just because Ben walks over doesn’t mean Diabetic Steroid User has to stop talking to Des. Or does it? I need a rule clarification. Either it’s the rules or Des is so clearly into Ben that she doesn’t mind being rude as all hell to everyone else in the house. Do you think the big reveal is that that kid isn’t Ben’s son? If I were writing this show, that would happen.

Wait, WHO is this guy carrying Des through the house? Could you imagine guy after guy after guy trying to have weird third-date conversations with you the day after you meet them? Do you think there’s some PA whose job it is to prep Des for each guy? “Alright, Des. This next one is named Brian. He’s the one you need to talk to about past relationships.”

Brian is from Baltimore so I keep trying to figure out if there's anyway I could know him...sadly the answer is that I don't. Foiled again at my attempts to get the inside scoop! I predict it's his gf who shows up next week since they broke up so recently and he just said he thought it was over before it really was - maybe that means it's still going on.

Am I the only person who really enjoyed that Des busted out some high-school Spanish for Juan Pablo? He’s the obligatory spicy Latino of the season. What was the name of the one from Emily’s season? I don’t care enough to look it up.

The mushroom farmer! And the guy who said Emily having kids was a compromise, she said he didn't understand what he was saying and he was all 'no bitch, I know what compromise means!' Man, I miss Emily's season.

That was really not suspenseful. I’m reminded that this early in the season, not going on any date at all is pretty much a way to ensure going home. This crop of guys is also not that exciting. Like, I don’t see a single one of them who could be next season’s Bachelor. Do you?

No. Maybe they'll bring Jef in for next season. That I would LOVE to see.

Til next week...