chris // week nine // fantasy suites

Watch out, Kaitlyn. That monkey is going after your man's banana.

JA: I can’t decide on this week’s drinking game word. Intimacy? Chemistry? My favorite thing about this episode is watching Chris struggle to come up with fresh euphemisms for boning.

“I just want to make sure the intimacy is there.”

“I just hope she takes the opportunity tonight to open up and put herself out there.”

“Tonight is what we need to take things to the next level.”

First off, Chris puts on one of seven hundred linen shirts (seriously, Tommy Bahama just went out of business) and meets up with Kaitlyn to tour a Balinese village, and Chris is attacked by monkeys. Kaitlyn is inspired by the monkeys’ devil-may-care attitude and learns a lesson from them about taking chances and letting her guard down.

I think Kaitlyn was initially using this season as her audition for Bachelor in Paradise, and she’s surprised that she has something approximating feelings for Farmer Chris. At dinner, Kaitlyn says genuinely inspirational daily-calendar things like “I’m my best self when I’m vulnerable” while Chris continues to work on his I’m-listening/I’m-constipated face. There’s no way she makes it to the finale.

SA: I truly cannot believe that Kaitlyn is still here. She and Chris have no (take a sip) CHEMISTRY! We already know she goes home, so I won't belabor the point but, the girl opened her eyes during one of their dinner kisses. I am flabbergasted she made it to Bali. Compared to the intense, 'we might be about to get married' conversations Chris and Whitney have later in the episode, this "you need to open up" talk with Kaitlyn feels oh so week three. Also, also, if we are playing a game of "which one of these girls does not belong in Arlington"-- it's clearly Kaitlyn. Yet, Chris seems to have zero concerns re: this urban dance instructor's willingness to move there. Does Chris really think Kaitlyn and her magenta lipstick would move to corn country, or does he know he's sending her home, so doesn't care? Did Kaitlyn make it to fantasy suites just so Chris could get some sweet Canadian hipster lovin'? I don't think it's that simple. If Chris was into keeping someone around just for the sex of it, he would not have said goodbye to "hug enthusiast" Britt or playmate Jade. And so, I really cannot understand how we ended up on this monkey date with Kaitlyn.

There’s booze in every single room of that Fantasy Suite.

Of course there is as Kaitlyn is lying to herself re: her attraction to Chris and needs a champers buzz to get into the bath tub full of roses with him. At first I thought she was just auditioning for the Bachelorette and was actively lying to us all about liking Chris. Now, I think it's more of a passive lie. Based on the hints both Kaitlyn and her mom have given us about her last relationship, I have a feeling it was pretty toxic. Kaitlyn seems like someone who is probably often attraction to the wrong men and has most likely dated a sociopath or two (#beenthere). It's possible that re: Chris, Kaitlyn was attempting to train herself into liking the nice guy for once. I'm sure she enjoys Chris's company and wishes he were the guy for her. But, choosing a partner is not just about picking any nice guy. It's about picking the nice guy you are just as attracted to as you are the sociopath. For Kaitlyn, I don't think that was ever going to be Chris. He could always sense that she wasn't really that into him, and thus he never felt fully comfortable around her. Chris lets himself be a cheesy, confidant goofball (meant as a compliment) with Becca and Whitney and that's why they are our top two gals.

Then we have date number 2 with Whitney, who is rocking some small-town jorts. There’s a great boat tour with bubbly, but Whitney starts talking and she never stops talking. Did you see the look on Chris’s face while Whitney blathered on and on? By this point in his date with Kaitlyn, he was already making out with her while monkeys peed on them.

Then Chris and Whitney go to dinner, and it’s terrifying, because Chris straight up asks Whitney to abandon her career. She gives a very articulate beauty-pageant response about how women need to not be bored out of their minds in small towns, but never mind any of that, because babies. Babies babies babies. I suppose after making babies for so many other people, Whitney’s just ready to make some of her own. Sorry, Fia. Looks like she’s not into that hour-long commute after all.

#feminismfail #leanout #maybewhenthekidsareinschool?

Finally, we have Becca, who is very anxious to reveal her virginity to Chris. She and Chris go see Bali’s version of a psychic, who tells Becca she’s “hard to control” and needs to maybe have sex with Chris to fix that. Their dinner discussion is full of much fraught conversation about Iowa, the thing Chris will never shut up about. The writing was on the wall for Kaitlyn as soon as they went through their entire date without Chris even bringing up Arlington, or corn, or tractors.

The one thing I don’t always love about Fantasy Suites is that the dates are over so fast and then you have to watch the Bachelor/ette taking sad, pensive walks down a beach and taking an entire hour of our lives to decide who to send home. The upside is that we get a bro chat from Chris Harrison. Remember Juan Pablo’s season, where Chris was all “forget that noise, I’m gonna leave all that to the producers because I can’t stand Juan Pablo”?

I found it EXTREMELY telling that we got solo walks of BECCA on the beach. I cannot remember a time when a contestant was told to walk pensively solo. When we saw that, I knew she wasn't going home. I also think Chris is old-fashioned enough that he kind of likes Becca's innocence. I do not mean that he likes virgins in the creepy way that Mackenzie was insinuating earlier in the season. There's a difference between Becca's virginity and Ashley I's virginity. Becca appears to be waiting for marriage whereas Ashley I seemed to be using her virginity as some kind of bargaining chip. Every woman should treat sex however she wants, but I think that Chris understands Becca's virginity and respects it, whereas he felt confused and manipulated by Ashley I's. For a man with 'small town values', I bet there is something comforting in the idea that he will be his future wife's one and only lover. Becca has been forced to talk about her virginity at length with producers. But, it makes sense that she wouldn't want to bring it up with Chris until the host of the show literally asks her to have sex with him.

The Rose Ceremony takes place in a temple where Chris, unforch, has to keep his wiener to himself. Chris Harrison reminding Farmer Chris to “please respect this holy place” was a highlight of the week. I will say, though, that these ladies are SLAYING in their temple ensembles.

Before handing out roses, Chris pulls Becca aside for a deep chat. He tells Becca he’s just here to find love. Here’s where I’m gonna stop you, Farmer Chris. You’re not just here to find love. You’re here to find someone willing to upend her entire life so that she can fit snugly into yours. You’ve made it abundantly clear that there’s not even going to be a discussion about it. And you should be insecure about Arlington -- it seems like an extremely difficult place for someone to lead a fulfilled life.

Whitney has made it abundantly clear that she is ALL IN re: Arlington. Becca has a more reasonably response: she's not taking it off the table, but it's going to take more than a rose to get her there. Yet Chris seems to want Becca. Becca is the one getting private time during the rose ceremony. Becca is the one for whom he makes concessions. Whitney was probably like, "no need to use a condom in the fantasy suite, my bags are packed and my uterus is ready for your baby", whereas Becca was all, "you're cool and I like you a lot but whoa, who said anything about marriage, I just met you." Whitney is everything Chris has been saying he wants, yet it's Becca who seems to have a hold on him. Des and Chris (and Molly and Jason, in a different way) are examples of how, often, in bachelor nation, choosing your runner-up might be the best thing you can do to make it to the altar. A friend of mine (who's closely tied to this show) agrees with me that had Andi chosen Nick, they would have had a better shot at longevity than she did with Josh. Do the producers need to step in here and force Chris to choose Whitney?

Kaitlyn hopes Becca is gonna get sent home, but it’s Kaitlyn who gets a teary goodbye, and it’s down to Whitney and Becca for all the marbles. But don’t worry, dear readers; this ain’t the last we’re gonna see of Kaitlyn. She just vaulted herself into front-runner status for Bachelorette 2015. This is gonna be a great edition of Women Tell All.

chris // week eight // hometowns

 

Not to worry, Britt... you'll have another chance at unlimited free Fireball this summer. #BachelorInParadise

JA: Not too many shockers for this Hometowns week. Britt and Carly were sent home from Iowa (with a layover in Minneapolis, no doubt), and Chris toured the country visiting four ladies' hometowns. Jade, wild mustang, revealed her Playboy past, and despite giving Chris plenty of material for his spank bank, had to settle for fourth place.

Click here for our full recap.

chris // week seven (+ Chris Harrison in the wild)

Real correspondence between Chris Harrison and I. Repeat, this is not a joke.

I must start this post by saying something major happened this week in the PDTB family. You guys,  I met Chris Harrison! I was sitting at the Soho House with my agent, Olivier, and he walked by me. I grabbed Olivier's arm, and whispered, "Oh my god, Chris Harrison is here." Olivier said, "Who?" "Chris Harrison!" I whispered, loudly, "The host of the Bachelor! Obviously!" Olivier nonchalantly responded, "Go say hi to him, I don't mind. I can respond to these emails." As if introducing oneself to Chris Harrison was as much of a non-event as checking one's email. This was Chris Fucking Harrison.

I don't know if you all know this yet, but for the next two posts, Josh and I are taking over recapping the Bachelor for the New York Observer. This news came in the day before the above CH sighting. Josh even referred to the observer gig as, "our big break". Thus, my confidence firmly in place now that I am a real, professional, recapping member of the bachelor family, I walked up to Chris Harrison and introduced myself: "Hi Chris. My name is Sofia and I had to say hello because I recap the Bachelor for the New York Observer." A half-truth, but not a lie. He smiled. Success! I followed up with, "I have to tell you, I am a screenwriter and I meet a lot of celebrities, but I have never been more star-struck than I am right now." Another smile! Hooray. I was firmly on my way to becoming best friends with Chris Harrison.

Chris excused himself to go pretend to be the boyfriend of the woman he was with, to make her ex jealous. 'Right', I thought re: the woman, like said-ex is really going to believe Chris Harrison, the most famous man in the world, is your boyfriend. I said nothing, walked back to Olivier and let them do their thing.

I was sated, though not the longest encounter, Chris had not pepper-sprayed me, called for security or even seemed annoyed that I wanted to talk to him. This was enough for me to lie to myself and pretend we were now friends. But then, then, through the Soho House happy-hour crowd, I see CH walking back over to us, sans female friend, red wine in hand, ready to hang!  He was seeking me out this time. Chris Harrison was looking for me.

I'm pretty sure I was too giggly, too eager and not laid back enough to cement our relationship. He promised to have Josh and I as his guests to after the final rose, but he didn't give me his email. He told me to tweet at him, which I did, repeatedly. He tweeted me back, but didn't follow me. Clearly, he doesn't want to DM just yet. I think we left off here: Chris thinks of me as a little bit more than just a fan, but not quite a peer. He did tell me I could ask him one question that he would answer for all of you, my readers. This is where I really fucked up. I now know how intimidating it is when Chris Harrison asks you a question, I take back half the snarky things I've ever said about the contestants. He even pulled a lamp off a table to shine in my face!

My mind went blank. I could've asked anything -

- What cocktail of meds and booze was Ashley S. taking before tapings?
- Was the editing team intentionally cutting around Kelsey to make her look the most sane at the beginning of the season before the late reveal of true insanity?
- What was going on with Andi and Josh at the premiere and when did you know things were off between them?
- Please elaborate on just how much you hated Juan Pablo and why you were nowhere to be found his entire season?
- Does Sean Lowe actually have a penis or is there just a ken doll mound there?
- Has Catherine been replaced by a Stepford-wife robot?

Instead, I asked the weakest question known to man, "Do you honestly think Chris and the girl he chooses will make it?" The most obvious and least interesting question one could ask. In my defense, we had just been discussing the fact that Chris seems like a horny high-schooler in this situation: he is attracted to everyone, and has no clear favorite. CH agreed with me, even referring to Farmer Chris as, "a kid in a candy store". My question came out of the following train of thought: if one has never really dated before, then dates twenty-nine hotties at once, is it even possible to settle down after? Wouldn't said farmer want to keep making up for lost time, especially now that he's a celebrity?

It was still a bad question, but there's your context. And yes, Chris Harrison is confidant they will make it.

So now, if you are reading this, Chris Harrison, here's my real question for you: When will we share another glass of wine at the Soho House (or any house)?

I think we have real world friend potential. I promise to keep our conversations off the record. Can we make the leap together? Can we share laughs and secrets? I'm ready to start on our journey of friendship, are you?? Will you accept a glass of rosé?

Readers, you'll know the above has been answered when you see Josh and I in the audience at After the Final Rose.

For this week's recap, please click here to be redirected to the NY Observer.

chris // week six

 

(It sure is, Kels. And we're going to miss you. Can't wait for Women Tell All.)

SA: Week six of Juan Pablo's season, we were in New Zealand.

Week six of Andi's season, I believe we were somewhere between France and Germany.

Week six of Sean's season, I dunno where we were but I'm pretty sure there was at least a beach.

Week six of Chris's season...and it's like all these girls are on a road trip with their father. "Hey, girls, you like Amurca? You like histry? Let's get in the van and go see Mt. Rushmore!"

I know (hope) we will eventually get to the international travel portion of this season, but I sort of feel like Chris is the kind of guy who only vacations in the US. Not for lack of funds, as his family let us know during Andi's season, Chris is very successful. I just think Chris is the kind of guy who thinks the fifty states are enough. Don't get me wrong, I love the US of A. I've driven across the country twice and loved it both times. I went to badlands last summer and found them majestic. All I'm trying to say is--if I turned my life over to ABC for three months, endured humiliation after humiliation, all while going quietly (and vocally) insane (in the way ABC designed me to)...I would expect to, at least, get a coupla stamps in my passport for the effort.

JA: Yeah, I was blaming this on ABC, but I think they're begging Chris to go out of the country, and he's like, nope, I'm good. He actually may not even have a passport at all. When I think about where I can go to reconnect with myself and explore romantic connections with sorority girls, Deadwood immediately springs to mind. I hope these girls can find a general store in town that sells cucumber melon body spray or else the shit's gonna hit the fan.

And did you see the promo for next week? The exotic, romantic destination for the week is... Arlington, Iowa, the one-stoplight town Chris calls home. The only true litmus test for this season is whether or not a girl can stand to be a Sister Wife on Chris's farm. And the prospect of that apparently becomes so real that Britt has a total nervous breakdown.

Since we're doing rose ceremonies at the beginning of the ep now (WTF?) I guess I should mention that Samantha (who??) and Kale's mom went home. Kale's mom didn't even get a perfunctory, "I really like you, but don't want to keep you from Kale" walk to the car. Chris must have been rully over her.

I'm going to resist making the obvious Samantha Who joke. What's Christina Applegate doing these days?

I guess after Kelsey's crazy shenanigans last week, ending the episode with a Rose Ceremony would have been anticlimactic. When we last left Kelsey, American psycho, she and Diane were doing their best Grey's Anatomy bit for everyone next to the water fountain in the lobby of a hotel named after Kip's girlfriend from Napoleon Dynamite. Diane frantically dug through the all-important yellow bag for a giant oxygen tank that saved Kelsey's life. And when she finally "came to," she of course asks for small-eared Farmer Chris, who is putty in her hands.

Meanwhile, Kale's Mom wants us to know that she will never be able to get over being rejected by a guy she's known for probably about three weeks. Relax, Kale's Mom. I have T-shirts older than you.

Becca gets a one-on-one. She seems genuine, cool and laid back. I like her. She and Chris seem like a good fit too. I could even see her moving to Iowa. I bet she makes it far. I also loved that she made fun of Chris on the date. It's about time someone did!

I totally agree. I can't exactly say what Chris and Becca did on their date (rode horses and then sat down?) but Chris does seem genuinely into her. Or at least, as into anyone as he possibly can be. When the date card first arrived, I half expected Kelsey to pull out a knife and just slit Becca's throat, because Kelsey clearly felt entitled to a one-on-one (and rightfully so) for having exploited the death of her husband. And I love how, when wine o'clock rolls around, a few of the girls decide they want to confront Kelsey, which is a bad move, especially when she's wearing her Gone Girl cardigan. Ladies, ladies, ladies... Kelsey is a master manipulator. You will not break her, not even under the weight of your harsh interrogations. I feel like Kelsey could survive being waterboarded.

Back on the ranch, some Country duo I've never heard of shows up and Whitney is F'in Pumped. Apparently, these dudes are like, Country Gods or something. And guess, what? The ladies are gonna be writing and performing their own love ballads to Chris. This contest was a classic case of 'it doesn't matter who does the best job, the winner will be the woman whose butt I most want to caress." And just in case you were wondering, it was Britt's butt. In these yoga pants:

Hachi Machi!

So, Chris takes Britt (and her killer ass!) to a concert for those Country Music Gods. He doesn't send the other girls home, he just makes them wait, wondering what happened. Meanwhile Britt (who doesn't even LIKE Country music, as Whitney points out) gets to dance on the stage.

Okay, I thought this was kind of a dick move. Even though I don't know who those dudes were, a lot of these girls did. Chris claims he gave Britt the rose on stage, a secret only to the other contestants, because he didn't want to further hurt the women's feelings by doing it in front of them. But wouldn't it have been kinder to take everyone to the concert and then only pull Britt up on stage. Instead, he makes the women wait around like lost cattle wondering what happened to him and B? ALSO, if he was so worried about the other women's feelings, why was he making out with Britt in front of all of them earlier in the date? I expect his answer would be a well-timed, "Umm..." followed by a befuddled look, as is his answer to everything.

Yeah, I think I'd kind of heard of Big & Rich before. Aren't they the ones who win all those American Music Awards? My favorite part of the whole group date was the inspirational one-block jog that Jade went on with one of them (I'm guessing it was Big, since he was the taller one?). That almost turned into a one-on-one date. I was honestly hoping Jade would just go on a date with him, since they seemed to have actual chemistry.

And Fia, I could not agree more with your analysis of the concert beat. This drove me crazy because the whole "surprise" was sold to us as some sort of spontaneous, impulsive move, but it had clearly been arranged ahead of time. And it was the dickest of dick moves to come back, drop Britt off with the rose in her hand, and go, "Welp. This was fun. I'm gonna leave y'all to, uh, have your vajayjay chats, and I'll see you in the morning." 

Then, the two mean girls are taken on the dreaded two-on-one. This was a budget date. The badlands are cool, but if I was about to be sent home, I seriously would not want it to be in the middle of a National park with no water, a bed and my sworn enemy on the other side of a rock . There was plenty of wine to go round so you know these girls were massively dehydrated. Josh, I'm gonna let you take the intricacies of this date since you are the KardASHLEYian whisperer.

When that group date card arrived, and we realized that the two-on-one was going to be Ashley I versus Kelsey, I squealed with delight. It was one of those moments they talk about in Ancient Greek drama, where something is revealed and it's shocking and yet you look back and you realize it was inevitable. Yeah, these producers are basically Sophocles. And of course, when the two-on-one card arrived, Kelsey yelled "I LOVE THE BADLANDS!!" And I just shook my head, because I knew Kim Kardashleyan was in for a rough afternoon. That's how Kelsey rolls. She prefers to do battle with her opponents in the harsh, unforgiving landscape of South Dakota. She's in her element here. Bow down.

Sidenote: Ashley I, if you're reading this, will you leave a comment letting us know where you get your eyelash glue? I'm amazed at how well they stayed on despite you ending the North American drought with your tears.

Ashley went into this date way too overconfident for my tastes. I'm like, if Sanderson Poe (aka NO ONE'S SPARED) can die under mysterious circumstances, what do you think Kelsey's gonna do with the likes of you? So of course, Ashley overplays her hand and spends her one-on-one time ratting out Kelsey. And then Chris immediately turns around and rats out Ashley to Kelsey, and then Kelsey confronts Ashley and breaks her down mentally by saying things like "I still respect you" and Ashley tries her best ("You think I'm not as smart as you just because I don't use big words?") but is defeated by Kelsey's death stare and her superior Sun Tzu tactics.

So Ashley confronts Chris about ratting out her rattiness, and Chris is all, "Gurl, bye. No, seriously. GURL, BYE. We don't even sell eyeliner in Iowa, so there's no way you could ever be happy there. I'm just gonna leave you here on this rock. Deuces."

The world's best PA comes into the suite to get Ashley's suitcase and all the girls collapse in utter despondency. Chris then goes back to that weird cabana they set up next to the helicopter and, in a shocking twist, gets rid of Kelsey too! His rationale is basically that his feelings aren't where hers are and she deserves more and something about 110% and some other percentages. But we all know the real reason she's going home. Chris doesn't want to wake up one morning to discover that Kelsey has staged her own kidnapping and murder.

But I will say this image is one for bachelor history:

Bye bitches! Enjoy finding your way outta this one! 

(In case you can't tell, that's Ashley and Kelsey. This is Chris's view from his helicopter, after he leaves them in the badlands to die.)

My other favorite image from this week is when Best PA comes to get Kelsey's bag too and everyone erupts into pure joy. The way Carly poured that rosé like she was a bartender at Coyote Ugly made my whole day. Let's just hope that with Kelsey out of the picture, the show still has enough crazy to entertain us through the home stretch. It looks like Britt's the next one to lose ALL of her shit.

chris // week five

#bedhead

JA: Wow.

Wow.

After four episodes that were nothing short of a miracle cure for insomnia, The Bachelor hits us with an installment that lives up to the promise of what it can be at its greatest. In two short weeks, Kelsey transformed herself from random also-ran to certifiable sociopath, giving the show a much-needed jolt of crazy. But more on that in a moment.

We have to begin with this week's open letter, this time to Megan. Dear Megs: Hope you've been having a blast sequestered away from human civilization all this time. But, um. Santa Fe, New Mexico is not, nor has it ever been, a "beach resort town." And put your passport away, sugartits. You will not be needing it. xoxo

SA: Poor Megan. I felt this was an example of the producer's playing their favorite game, let's make the dumb girl look even dumber. The "I don't know if they wear those Mexican sombreros in New Mexico" line was clearly the answer to a question. I guess we can't feel too bad for her though, this is the same girl who voluntarily and repeatedly banged her head into the wall in Episode 2. And to think, that was the same week she got a one-on-one. Clearly smarts are not at the top of Prince Farming's priorities list.

Our first date with Carly is the most awkward, unhot, interminable tantric sex workshop I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT of tantric sex workshops. This one happened to be led by a SAG-eligible actor (definitely a local hire) who said things like "take off your masks by removing your clothes" and "as she breathes out, breathe her in." But in the end, it made Chris and Carly "come together" (thank you, date card, for that bit of brilliance), and Carly was happy because Chris made her feel pretty, for once in her life. So I'm thrilled for Carly that she has finally found a man who will fix all her insecurities, but who's going to fix that faux fur vest and beaded Navajo choker she wore to "dinner"?

When bachelor contestants have emotional hang-ups like Carly's, I want to scream at them for coming on this show. If you know that you have an issue accepting love, if you don't feel beautiful, if you feel overlooked by your past partners, why, why WHY would you come on a television show where you are competing with twenty-nine other women for the attention of one man?! I guess it's a masochistic way to face your issues head on, or, maybe to get like a year's worth of therapy over in six weeks? But I dunno, it seems like Carly is asking for it. That said, she did grow on me this week. I didn't feel like she brought these issues up to manipulate Chris into keeping her around. The timing of the reveal seemed quite appropriate. (Nice job, producers! A sex workshop for the intimacy-phobe.)

Also, is it just me, or does Chris's "I'm listening" face kind of resemble a constipation face? Like, he's trying sooooo hard to show interest in the words coming out of these ladies' mouths. Soooo hard. Like maybe he practices his "I'm listening" face in the mirror every morning. Right after his outdoor shower.

Remember last week when Chris said that while Jillian was talking, he was zoning out and thinking about rainbows and unicorns? I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing every time any woman talks to him. Then he's like, "If I kiss her real quick, maybe she won't notice that I have no idea what she just said."

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey suddenly realizes that with only 11 girls left (one of whom, Samantha, is apparently a deaf-mute), she's got to do something to stand out. So she takes a page from the playbook of Julia with an E and trots out her own story of widowhood. But it appears that she can't bother to remember her husband's actual cause of death. "Um, it's called... wait, what's it called? Heart something? Shit... uh... CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE!! That's it. Yeah. Congestive heart failure. Whew. That was a close one. I'd better rehearse that more before I say it to Chris."

Kelsey. OMG. Kelsey.

So then a bunch of women pile into rafts and oar themselves down a river, and Jade definitely almost dies. I'm actually worried for Jade to be on this show, because she seems to have some condition in which she can't ever be anywhere cold or she'll lose all the feeling in her entire body. That either makes Jade a lizard or a major bullshitter. Either way, it scored her a foot rub from Chris, so... well played.

I actually thought Jade seemed kind of embarrassed when she was on the receiving end of that foot rub. I think I even heard her say, "Okay, I'm fine. You can stop." Also, important to notice that the gals talking shit about it, were both of the manipulative mean girls (Kelsey and Ashley). I think it's safe to say that Jade is no Tierra. And yes, I am worried for her as well and think she should probably stay in LA and not go anywhere near Iowa winters.

Then, as the ladies have changed into their best desert ensembles, complete with huge metal necklaces that have turquoise boulders dangling from them (I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashleyan), we get a surprise visit from everyone's favorite Blast-in-a-Glass, Miss Jordan herself, looking fresh out of rehab. Apparently she drove all the way from Colorado (one state away) to ask Chris for a second chance, because YOLO, am I right? Then Chris is shocked when none of the other women are excited to see Jordan, and Jordan's all "kiss my ass, ladies, and pass the Fireball. I'm back, bitches." But then of course, everyone starts crying and Ashley and Whitney get into a fight because Whitney doesn't want to be "mean" and it all scrambles Chris's brain and he sends Jordan away.

Ashley is really showing her Cindy Lauper #truecolors this week. In fact, Ashley is always showing her #truecolors which appear to be #fuckingcrazy (though not as #psycho as Kelsey's). Whitney is looking like the frontrunner for this season's Renee Oteri, 'voice of reason' award, IE she very reasonably says, "I'm not happy Jordan is back, but that doesn't mean I am going to be mean to her." And #fuckingcrazy Ashley replies, "I don't know why anyone is being nice to her right now." Ashley, how old are you?? But what I was mainly thinking about during this debacle was how pretty Jordan is. Was she just too drunk for me to notice last time? She's beautiful and I loved her dressed down look. IMO she looked better than every other dolled-up girl in that circle and if I were the bachelor, I would have kept her around.

Chris sneaks into Britt's room before dawn to wake her up so they can go hot air ballooning. Carly is NOT happy, presumably because hot air ballooning is much better than her terrible Kama Sutra date. So we learn a lot about Britt this week, guys. First we learn that she doesn't shower ever. Second we learn that she is petrified of heights to the point that her body "shuts down." Until Chris shows up, and then it's all fine. Third we learn that Britt wants one hundred children. That's the number she came up with. One hundred. I doubt she meant that, but I do think that Chris was serious when he said he needed a lot of help on that farm and so he needed to have as many children as possible.

We also learned that Chris thinks glitter eye-shadow is naturally part of Britt's face.  The other contestants tell us that Britt sleeps in a full face of make-up specifically for moments like this. When Chris sneaks up on her cot, you can clearly see a FULL FACE OF MAKE-UP INCLUDING GLITTER EYE SHADOW AND MAGENTA LIPSTICK. Then, then in this ITM, Chris tells the camera that Britt looks just as good at four o'clock in the morning as she does when she is all dolled-up for a rose ceremony. I'm sorry, how is her bed look any different than being dolled-up? They seem exactly the same. Does Chris really think some women are born with glitter on their faces?!?

Britt goes back and tells all the other girls about the nap she took with Chris and Kelsey's like "Hell to the no, this shit just reached DEFCON 4. WHERE IS MY CORAL CARDIGAN?" Because, in her words, "there's a chance I could go home without him knowing that I'm a widow," she makes the brazen but not unprecedented move of just dropping by the hotel room for an impromptu one-on-one. But what is unprecedented, Bachelor Nation, is the crazy Amy Dunne shit that followed. So Kelsey got married at 19, to someone named Sanderson Poe, who, judging by that name, was either a Harry Potter character or a detective from a series of 1940s crime novels. She then sticks to most of the rehearsed details from earlier, leading all the way to Sandy's tragic death walking on the most beautiful day in Austin. Kelsey wants you to know that she's really good at stories, especially this one. She loves this story. It's tragic. But it's amazing. And now she's got a new story. Her love story with Chris. Monday nights at 8.

This was a level of #psychotic we have not yet seen on the bachelor. Which is a challenge in and of itself. Congrats to the editors for keeping this B under wraps until we got rid of Ashley S. I guess they wanted us to know we hadn't seen nuthin' yet.

So Sanderson Poe, by all accounts, did actually exist. Here is his obituary from the Tulsa World. Note that much of it is about Kelsey.

But because that's NOT ENOUGH CRAZY FOR HER, Kelsey decides that, because there's not going to be a cocktail party, she has to pull out all the stops and then just collapse in a hallway while some medic named Diane frantically yells for the "yellow bag" to save Kelsey's life. But no need, Diane. Kelsey has already, in the moment, correctly diagnosed her panic attack.

PS I put "Sanderson Poe" into an anagram generator and got the following results, even more proof that Kelsey is a genius:

Seasoned Porn
Senor and Peso
And Open Sores
and my personal favorite, which I actually discovered myself:

NO ONE'S SPARED

Can we please re-open this investigation?

Josh, you never cease to amaze me. I love you like Chris will never love Kelsey.