All's well that ends well in bachelor nation where princesses can come from nothing to have their heart broken (brooks), teach a robot to love (drew) and end up with their prince (chris) all in the same week!

SA: So let me just say that I loved this finale and I cried real tears. And not just because the cat brought out a mouse into my house midway through the show and my mom and I had to stop watching while she chased it out and I stood on a ledge. These were tears of joy for Chris and Des. Maybe the front runner should always back out and leave the lass to choose the guy who’s actually right for her.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

That first scene with Chris Harrison was rough. When he asked her how she was doing and her response was the meek, teary, "I'm okay until someone asks." What she really should have said was, "I'm fi'n miserable you dip shit, being made more miserable by the fact that I am still forced to pose on the balcony looking out hopefully over the sea...and talk to you about my feelings, which we all found out yesterday are about as solid as dog turds."

But then CH manipulated her into continuing with the show and I just thought, I can't believe this poor girl has to go to a rose ceremony of all things right now.
JA: Who knew that after such a boring season, I’d be so breathlessly anticipating this finale? Also, I’m with you, Fia. I’ve been pronouncing the “gua” in Antigua like “guacamole.” But Chris Harrison pronounced it differently, and what Chris says goes.

I love that when Des says she’s okay, Chris gives her a look like, “Oh honey. You’re so not. The producers and I have made sure of that.” And you’re right; he totally manipulated her into continuing. But that’s his job as the host. Chris is such a pro. But you know what? Welcome to real life, Des, where sometimes you have to learn to love your second choice. Can you tell I’m having a really upbeat summer?

Chris looked so sweet and I believed him when he told her he wanted to go hug her but didn't out of respect to Drew. Drew looked like the CGI character we all know he is inside - does this guy have a walk on in the SMURFS sequel?

When she said Drew's name did anyone else get a flashback to Julie's burning love season when she threw the roses at the remaining dudes while crying? Des could barely choke out Drew's name. But I did see a little smile when she gave one to Chris.
Yeah, that was the most awkward Rose Ceremony ever, made even more awkward by a weird Navajo rug. Is this a callback to Week Two? Do you think they turned her Navajo bag full of dreams into a Navajo rug that the men now walk over? #metaphor

PS If we go to a live finale, we are guaranteed to get asked questions in the studio audience. We represent Bachelor Nation in all its “diversity.” Also did you notice that there are about six people who are fans of Drew?

Way to get back on the horse Des, literally. What brilliant PA came up with that - putting her on an actual horse. Brillz.
Sigh…are these the best midriff tops Des could find? And the fact that I just called them midriff tops…does that make me an old lady?

Also I am so glad that she is as over Drew as the rest of us. After someone breaks your heart you just can't pretend to make out with anymore overgrown toddlers. And to get a cheezballs, the way she dumped Drew so immediately gave me hope that what's about to happen with Chris is real. This girl has a 0 bullshit tolerance moving forward.
I’m so glad she got rid of Drew early on. But the upside? Maybe this is what Drew needed to see that the universe’s plan for his life is…men. Aww, now I really want her to be with Chris. If Brooks comes back to eff this up, I’m gonna be pissed. Dance with the one who brung ya, Des. ‘Cuz if you can’t be with the one you love… Also, thank you, Des, for showing us how to really break up with someone. You rip the Band-Aid off. You don’t sit there and hug them and say “I don’t love you” over and over again for three whole segments (looking at you, Brooks).

I mean is this season a classic rom com or what? Drew wants Des, Des wants Brooks, Brooks isn't into her and she ends up with the best friend we were all rooting for from the beginning. Was this season actually Nora Ephron's last piece of work? Lucky Guy was just a fake out?
Fia, that is maybe the best call of the season. I hope you walked out of the room after you typed that, because…brilliant.

I think Chris is a good fit for her, and I’ve thought so ever since he first arrived and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit. But now that we’re back in his hotel room, he better not bust out any more poetry. I just really don’t know what I’ll do if there’s another poem. I am nervous, though, because we have a whole other hour to go in this finale.

I am so happy when I see these two together, they have won me over. Even Des's coked out brother whom the producers asked to bring up Brooks (as if he would ever have remembered his name on his own) can't stop this train from moving into Neil Lane station.
NEIL LANE!!! NEIL LANE!!! I still feel a little shitty for Chris, though. He’s proposing to a girl never having known that he’s her sloppy seconds. She’d better tell him.

Also, they seem to have Nate on fewer drugs this time around. Megan seems to think that Nate would make a very interesting Bachelor. And I agree. Could you imagine what a prick he’d be during those Rose Ceremonies?

I even kind of like dress she's wearing. I'm calling this as one that's gonna last. I've been wrong before but this finale made me feel all kinds of good feelings. 
I agree. I was super cynical about the whole thing, but good on Des for spinning the whole “I was in love with another guy two days ago” problem into “My feelings for him kept me from seeing what I had in front of me all along.” That’s a smooth move. I think the real winner of this season, though, is Matt White (I had to look up his name). He’s the guy who did the live date-concert version of that song “Love and Affection”…and then it basically ended up becoming the Bachelorette theme song. Matt White wins.

And next season we have a whole lotta Juan Pablo to look forward to. See you there!!!
January can’t come soon enough! What’s the over-under on how long it’ll take Juan Pablo to trot out and exploit his daughter? Also, what’s his baby mama situation? I have a lot of research to do.



it's over.

Here we go with Fantasy Suites. Someone’s gonna break Des’s heart… #tearsinantigua  I love opening with Des in yet another pair of brightly colored cutoffs, serving you Titanic realness at the front of a boat. And we’re reliving all the highlights. What a journey we’ve been on this season!

OK for realz, have I been pronouncing Antigua (gua like guacamole right?) incorrectly my whole life or is Des (ga like lady gaga)? I kind of feel like I must be wrong bc wouldn't a PA let her know if she was the one making the mistake? Help, anyone? 

First up, Chris and his awful poems. Who was it who smartly said that their first gift to each other should be a rhyming dictionary? And then Gay Drew. What else is there to say except that straight guys don’t put that much work into their abs? And I guess it’s not a season of the Bachelor(ette) without exploiting someone with a mental or physical handicap. But the way she talked about Brooks in that recap package just sealed Brooks’s fate.

This whole episode is like a horror movie where you know someone is going to die and you are just waiting to see when it happens and how gruesome it's going to be, but either way - you know it's coming.

Honestly, Drew and Des have zero chemistry for me. I think it’s weird when they kiss. I think it’s weird when he talks.  And I don’t believe that she feels the “love come from his lips.” Although the rain is a bonus for them because they get to go straight to the Fantasy Suite. All I could think during this was, imagine if it had rained on Emily and Arie’s overnight date and they had to fast-forward to the Fantasy Suite??? What do you think Drew and Des did that night in the Suite, besides each other’s hair? Like, I literally imagine that he has a Ken Doll Mound down there where his genitalia should be.

My thoughts exactly J.

As soon as they showed Brooks in Idaho, I started getting nervous. He’s getting caught up in his head about his feelings for Des, which ironically in my mind means that it’s actually real. I wanted to yell at the TV, “OF COURSE YOU HAVE DOUBTS!!” This is what happens when you leave Bachelor World and step back into Real Life.

Okay I am of two minds about this - the first is similar to yours, J. No shit you don't want to propose to someone you've only known six weeks and have probably spent a total of twelve hours with. On the other hand this situation is designed to manipulate people into thinking they are in love with a person they would never be in love with in the real world. Either way Brooks resistance speaks to his character but does it mean that his relash with Des could flourish in the real world or is it infinitely wrong as he can't even make it work in fantasy land?

Back to the island, back to the Production Jeeps. I’ll say it again: Chris and Des look like a real couple to me. But then again, so did Sean and Lindsay. And look what happened there. But this helicopter ride is pretty cool. Certainly better than the last helicopter ride with James, when they were staring at hurricane wreckage instead of a Caribbean paradise. You know what would make this a really interesting show? If the helicopter NEVER CAME BACK FOR THEM. Then we’ll see what this relationship is REALLY made of. But instead we just get a reenactment of “From Here to Eternity.”

I'm only gonna say it once but what is with that fringed vest and bikini top combo with khakis??

I found this dinner convo really interesting. Chris is like, “Look. After this I have to go back to my actual life to people who pay me. So get on board with Seattle.” I’m like, Des. Your family doesn’t even like each other. And you don’t like LA.

I think Chris is so cute. He is my new favorite. I totally agree they are the only ones who look like a couple and are so natural together. If this franchise wants another marriage producers should step in and force her to choose Chris. Maybe after Brooks leaves they will let her watch all these episodes back and she will see it too. 

But for now Des, if you know you are in love with someone else don't lead this guy on and tell him you are willing to move to Seattle.

I love the different fantasy suites for each guy. That way Chris doesn’t have to deal with Drew’s stink. However, we do have to deal with the stink of more bad middle school poems.

Oh man enough with the poems already.

Damn, Des. Not gonna hate on that body. You can wear as many pairs of bad cutoffs as you want. Little do you know what you’re in for. I’m trying to concentrate on this Brooks-Chris convo (and don’t worry, Fia, I’m NOT fast-forwarding), but Chris keeps this look on his face like someone just farted. My favorite Chris quote: “I know you don’t wanna hurt her, but…AS A MAN, it’s the conversation you need to have.” Way to go, Chris. Why hasn’t he written a book???

Des's abs are amazing. But sadly, not enough to change's B's mind. And Uh-oh Brooks just shared his trauma card with Chris Harrison instead of with Des. Bad sign, maybe the worst.

Watching someone get dumped, even if it’s a breakup of a month-long, producer-created, ABC-subsidized television relationship, is excruciating. This Des interview where she’s describing how much fun she and Brooks are gonna have today and how she feels about him, not knowing what’s about to happen….this is a triumph of story producing. I feel like puking.

That moment on Des’s face when she figures out what’s coming. Ouch. And Brooks giving her the whole “you’re a much better person than I am” speech. Double ouch. He tells her, “I want to be in love with you” and then asks her why she’s crying. Triple ouch. (Her removing her legs from his lap as she realizes she's being dumped - quadruple ouch!) Brooks, this is not how you dump someone. You don’t hold a girl and cry and touch your hair and be really amazing to her while you rip her heart out. She even came up with an entire running metaphor to try to tell you she loved you when she was contractually obligated not to say the words directly. Stop. Hugging. Her. Even if you have real feelings for Des and think that this show forced your hand, it doesn’t matter. It’s now cruel. Because she’s basically saying, “I’m in love with you and I was ABOUT TO PICK YOU.”

He has to come back, right? How can this season end any other way??? We can't possible believe she ends up with the likes of DREW after she just outright told us she's been acting with everyone else. 

Gosh, Fia, now I’m thinking about your text to me. I don’t know if they bring him back or not. After all this, there’s no way she can pick either of the other two. There’s no way. Especially now that it’s common knowledge that Brooks was already the winner. If she picks no one, will they try to give her another season somewhere down the road? Will she even have the stomach for that??


Good thing we get to find out tonight.

Til then - continue on your journeys!


DES week 8: Meet the parents

JA: Ohmygosh this episode is gonna have everything. Crying moms. Des’s coked out but logically sensible brother. Chiropractors. Men in skinny suits. Also, word on the street is that this rose ceremony will end in a crazy limo meltdown. Fingers crossed.

Zak is from the Big D!! Woohooooooo!!! (See how desperate I am to drum up excitement for this episode?) Like you, Fia, I do enjoy Zak and think he’s cool, but I just don’t see them together. No knock to Des, but I see Zak doing better. To make everything even cooler, Crazy Chris from Emily’s season is live tweeting this episode. #stillnotoverit

Also, am I weird, or is Zak’s face kinda shaped like Quagmire’s from Family Guy? Especially when he’s telling her about his weird dream. Okay, never mind; he had me at Sno-Cone. But please don’t give her a ring. That’s weird. It’s so weird.

SA: No, you are 100% right and now I can't stop thinking about it. Even though I love Zak he does have a tendency toward chipmunk cheek. I feel bad even writing that tho, because really the only thing I have to say about Zak is that I hope he finds love soon. When at the end of this ep he talked about how his life back home is a lonely life it just made me so sad. Thankfully guys who make it this far on the bachelor usually pull some serious tail once the show is over.

I would love to pay attention to these conversations Des is having with Zak’s “mom” and “sister,” but her sea foam-colored pleather jacket is distracting me. It’s so loud that it drowns out their voices.

Agreed re the jacket, howevs if you'd heard that convo with the sister you would know that Zak is in the friend zone and his little sis and Des both know. This isn't going to end well.

Now that we’re with Zak’s caffeinated family, get ready for their big break in music. Am I cynical, or does this song seem like their way to show America their Osmond-like musical stylings? Also none of these families EVER LOOK ALIKE. However, Zak does win my Most Improved award. For a shirtless “drilling fluid engineer,” he’s come a long way. I just wish he hadn’t given her what looks like a legitimate engagement ring.


Oh, and now we’re in Scottsdale, home of douchebags. No offense to those of our readers from Scottsdale (who I’m sure are lovely), but normal people seem to be a rarity there. Also, HOW IS DREW STRAIGHT? I know I have broken gaydar, but I’m just gonna keep saying it every week.

He is. He's gay. Come on, right? He just is.

My favorite Drew quote: “I’m in love with Des, but I still haven’t said those three magical words to her in that order.” So you’ve said them… out of order, Yoda?

I wasn’t feeling it from Drew’s family. Like, sure they’re all really nice people. But like. What’s so special about them? And when Drew talks to Des, I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I don’t know what it is. I’m just really not on board. It’s not just my Scottsdale bias talking.

This sister thing is so exploitative to me. I don't like it. And I don't really like Drew. Sorry, Tess.

Okay, I’m biased in favor of Oregon because it’s a beautiful place and one of the people I love most in the world is from there (why aren’t you reading this blog, Megan Densmore?). But it makes total sense that they’re playing youth baseball because Des loves to picture Chris as a little boy. She even said so moments ago.

This baseball thing was the cutest part of the episode. I know I said it last week (and the week before that) but these are the only two who actually look like a real couple. But Sadly, I don't think Chris is her guy in the end.

Oh, this stuff with Chris’s dad is so bizarre. I’m literally just looking at my keyboard as I type. I don’t want to watch this man do things to people’s backs and noses. This is so gross and unhot.

Chris’s mom is the Arie’s mom of this season. I love a mom that gets real. And that has real crazy hair and is clearly drinking.

Chris's mom is scary. Arie's mom was just a cool bitch. This mom is weird and possessive and does anyone else think Chris still has feelings for that ex he loved whom his family forced him to break up with? Thoughts?

Wow, what is with Des and the Western boys? Arizona, Utah, Oregon. Did anyone else catch Des say she loves Brooks? Oopsie….

When Des unfurled that sheet of paper, I was terrified that it was more bad poetry. But either way, she wrote something for Brooks, and not for any of the other guys. That says a lot.

Brooks said as soon as he got home he stopped thinking about Des. This boy is over it. Also, Des gave him the legs around the waist hug which is a classic bachelorette when they are more into the guy than he is to them.

First of all, Brooks’s parents’ house is amazing. Okay, why do I unironically love Brooks’s family? Especially his mom, who I actually believe is his mom. Mainly because she says things to him like “you’re my favorite,” which is totally something a mother of multiple children would say. I’m just afraid of what Nate is gonna do to these guys.

And he bro who was like, 'can she hang with you?'. Despite the name tags, this family is great.

Everything Nate says is legit. I just wish it came from someone who wasn’t so cokey. And why do these producers have him creepily staring around corners and lurking behind columns...in the lobby of the Beverly Hilton? That’s weird.

That's like showing us a gun and then not having it go off, if Nate is lurking in a corner in the teaser as the guys are entering - I want him to accost one of them during the rose ceremony.

Sorryboutit…I’m fast forwarding through this Chris Harrison chat. #notreallysorry 

JOSH. You have got to stop FF these. This is where Des always tells us how much she loves Brooks. How are you going to be as shocked as America when he leaves her (my guess) if you don't know how deep her well of feelings is?

Uh oh, here comes the most intense rose ceremony of all. So intense that it needs a red carpet. And apparently it also needs Des in a dress covered in glitter glue. Wondering if she made that herself.

Full disclosure - I like that dress. And with the exception of a few massive fails in the beginning of the season, and her shoes, I think Des might be one of the best dressed bachelorettes we've seen. #lowbar

Awww, so sad that Zak is leaving just as he had totally won me over. I know he’s been a fave of yours from the beginning, Fia, but it took some time for me to come around. That’s so crappy that he gets eliminated after his family sang that song and everything. But dear Zak, please don’t give crazy eyes on your way out. And did you hear Des’s word salad as she saw Zak off? “I’m getting rid of you because...you expressed yourself?” Tell the truth, Des. He weirded you out with that ring.

Oh, Zak. This monologue plus this music. It’s so epic and sad. And the “ring toss” at the end? Stroke of genius.

After Men Tell All I think we know that Juan Pablo is our next Bachelor but my vote is still for Zak. Stay strong, Buddy.


DES WEEK 7: love is in the air

JA: This teaser promises another epic installment of Des’s Lackluster Search for Love. But it’s the last week before hometowns or, as one of the boys put it, “the most pivotal day of my life.” Oh, and Des just called this week pivotal also. That makes “pivotal” our drinking game word for this week. I was gonna make the drinking game word “family,” but I don’t wanna pass out.

Oh yay!!! Lesley, Catherine and Jackie from Sean’s season!!! Girl time!!! You know it’s bad when I’m thrilled to watch contestants from past seasons as a breath of fresh air, especially Lesley, whose cocktail NEVER LEFT HER HAND. Also how awkward was it when Catherine was like, “Sean says hi. And that he’s pulling for you”??? And then it turned into a terrible giggly episode of Sex and the City. Or worse yet, a televised Sex and the City viewing party.

SA: The convo about Sean was so awkward! Catherine tried to play it down by saying they both just wanted a best friend, but I feel like I could see the 'I still have no idea why he picked you over me' in Des's eyes.

I literally don’t have anything to say about the Brooks date, except that Madeira was the star. I forgot what they were saying as they were saying it. Brooks’s word salad about his family was completely unintelligible. Also that fireworks show was awfully well-timed, wasn’t it?

Awful how they were forced to jump into the air screaming, 'we're on cloud 9'. Also, does Brooks look bored? Uh-oh. She's running towards love and he's only jogging...I hope for poor Des this isn't a case of "I like you the most...because you like me the least."

Whose amazing boat are Chris and Des on? #ineedbetterfriends

And now with Chris they’re writing more bad poetry. Don’t they know the rule they established? If you’re gonna write stuff that sounds like Backstreet Boy lyrics, you’ve gotta do it in a foreign airport at 5am as your Ambien wears off. And then at dinner, another I Love You poem. I just hope this doesn’t end in another private concert somewhere. I will say, though, that they look more like a couple than any other permutation of Des + Boy.

Yes, Chris is my choice for Des. There was a great tweet that came in during the poetry session where some clever gal commenting that D&C should start carrying around rhyming dictionaries.

I also love the irony of Chris asking “Do you ever take boys home to meet your parents?” And she never even mentions Sean.

Why do we even pretend meeting her family is a big deal to Des? She left when she was 18, never sees her parents and pretty much hates her brother. This means your family is on the hot seat, C. Because this girl srsly needs a low drama destination for Xmas.

My favorite Michael moment: “when I kiss her I feel a flood of emotions.” And then he short-circuited and a few of his wires started sparking. I hate it when my robot needs rebooting. He is so going home. Also I feel like “sweet” is a kiss of death word. Anytime someone says that they might be falling for you, and you say “that’s so sweet,” it probably means you don’t feel similarly. Des also called him “protective,” which is definitely something you say about your older brother.

This dinner is so painfully boring. Michael can’t stop talking like he’s at a job interview. He just goes on and on and on. Also, if your heart is that fragile, why did you start dating a girl who has 24 other boyfriends?

Des looks like she wants to stab him with her fork just to make something happen. Also, she looks pained when he tries to kiss her. Oh god, if only she were allowed to vomit. Howev, she got herself into this mess by keeping this drip around so long.

Aww I love Drew and Zak’s bromantic code of honor on the two-on-one. I don’t know if I can deal with how metrosexual Drew is, though. Also, if I recall correctly, he’s from Scottsdale, which is too hot. Clearly, it’s very important to Des that her future husband be good at go-karts.

At least Zak did some memory art instead of a bad poem. He’s growing on me.

I think I’ve put my finger on what bothers me about Drew. He barely makes any eye contact while he says all these incredibly intimate and tender things like “I’m falling in love with you” and “I feel like I’ve known you my whole life.” He just stares at his shoes while he says them. Des’s body language says she likes Drew a little more than Zak, though, so he’s probably gonna get the rose.

At the beginning of this date she said she feels like she's hanging out with two guy friends, us too, D. I think Drew manages to weasel his way into hometowns by pulling out the 'mentally challenged sister card' because what decent girl is gonna follow that up with, 'Actually Drew - I don't want to meet your handicapped sister." Nicely played, Drew. I like Zak and think he'll sneek into hometowns, but sadly I fear he's not long for the show after that.

I’m fast forwarding through any and all Chris Harrison conversations. Fia, if you’d like to comment, feel free.

JOSH - you can't fast forward thru these. She just said she loved Brooks. Like in her weird marathon analogy she's finish line. FINISH LINE, Josh. But Brooks is still barely speed walking. Oh, brother.

This limo ride is a clear indication that Des dodged a Mama’s Boy bullet by sending Michael home just before hometowns.

Fav quote was from Michael's mom when she said - "here we go again..." Someone send this guy a mail order bride catalogue.

DES WEEK 6 - aka How is Michael still here?

JA: We’re finally in Barcelona, where Des is walking into cathedrals, presumably to pray for a husband.

Boy oh boy, Drew is...very metrosexual. I feel like he was disappointed that the one-on-one date was just “exploring” and not shopping for hair product. That boy is COIFFED.

And now, Des, let’s duck into this little restaurant for some Tapas ‘n Trauma with Drew. What’s it gonna be this time? Oh. An alcoholic father with leukemia. I guess he had to one-up those of us whose fathers are just hopeless drunks.

SA: I know Drew has a lot of fans out there - but I am not one of them. This was classic trauma for a rose territory. I think producers make them write down their issues on little cards during casting, give them back right before a one-on-one and say, 'use this wisely and you may make it to the fantasy suite.'

Is it just me, or was it totally weird that Drew was like, “in lieu of dinner, I’d like to drag you down this strange alley in a foreign city and french you against a wall.” This looks to me like he was watching prior seasons to brush up before his season started and he saw Arie do that to Emily in Prague and he clearly took notes.

Ya, except when Arie did it we all thought, 'oh yeah, give it to her'. And when Drew did it, it was just so perfectly planned as to make it kinda boring - like those outfits and perfectly gelled hair.

Midway through makeout, Drew’s like, “oh right! I forgot I was supposed to rat out James.” I love how the boys had a pact that whoever got the one-on-one was gonna let Des know “the truth” about James. If it were me, I’d come home the next day like, “Sorry boys. I was too busy going to second base against a concrete wall to do your dirty work for you.”

That's why you, Josh, would be the last one standing after the final rose.

This group date is soccer. In Spain. I get the strange feeling that someone here might have an unfair advantage...hmm...wonder who it could be. Oh, maybe it’s the Spanish-speaking former pro soccer player.

This is where we all though JP was gonna shine and they barely let us see him!!

James = worst goalie ever. I’m sure the other boys will use this to their advantage at some point in the course of the episode. “He’s not here for you, Des! He can’t defend the goal...OR YOUR HONOR!!”

I have GOT to figure out how to get ABC to subsidize my housing when I travel abroad.

Des and Chris are in her bed reading her bad airport poetry. Is that officially a thing? Scribbling terribly-rhymed jetlag verse on the backs of postcards and cocktail napkins?

Was this the one where he wrote her a poem or she wrote him one -- either way any gal whose accepts a dude's cocktail napkin poem without snark and then follows it up with her own cocktail napkin poem seems to be into said dude. I vote Chris for our winner. They look the most like a couple anyway.

This James confrontation is so so so so boring and I can’t believe they’ve been building up the whole episode based on this. I am so tempted to just fast forward to Zak’s date. Oh, and now they’re dropping words like “hearsay.” Like I said last week at our Umami Burger dinner, they have GOT to STOP with the whole Michael prosecutor bit. But, um, Kasey? You’re a bit out of your depth here using words like “counter-accusate.” Not a word, Kasey.

How you view this conversation between James and Des depends entirely on whether or not you believe James can cry on cue. She probably has to keep him though, at least for now, because otherwise the show doesn’t even have a hope of drama remaining.

This season is so boring. I think it may be because Des seems like a real person, any gal I think I could maybe be friends with in real life I do not want as my bachelorette. Can you imagine where this season would be right now if they'd picked Ashley????

Gotta hand it to Zak -- he did draw a picture of Des in the style of Picasso. But when that nude male model walked in, that’s when this episode really started to turn around for me. And once they get to dinner, let’s see what trauma Zak pulls out. Oh, so smart, Zak -- what beats the trauma card? The “I Want the Same Amazing Happy Marriage as My Parents Had” card.

I love Zak. He is such a sincere and happy weirdo. I keep being nervous she is going to send him home. Thank god this one on one went well.

And yet another James confrontation, this time with Drew. I need Des to either double down on it or send him home. But no. They’re gonna drag this out for the entire episode. And right on into the Rose Ceremony.

HOW DOES MICHAEL KEEP GETTING ROSES? THEY’VE NEVER HAD A ONE-ON-ONE AND THEY’VE NEVER EVEN KISSED (have they?!?)!!! Sorry I had to do that in all caps, but how do you keep Michael and get rid of three other people? Also, I’m not a math expert but this means there are five men left. Which means we’re ONE WEEK AWAY from Hometowns?? How is THAT possible?? I’m confused. So confused.

The fact that she kept Michael - the worst. And sent the amazing JP home is insane. In the words of my BFF and pun master Liana - a "Des-Grace"

More important question: why hasn’t Visine done product placement on the Bachelorette? That was the teariest, red-eye-est promo I think I’ve ever seen.


DES WEEK 5: journey into the clouds

SA: I guess American Apparel sponsored this trip to Germany because all our boys got new zip up hoodies for the plane.

God I hope Michael and Mikey have to go on the two-on-one together and then she sends both of them home. These two are the worst.

When Bryden interrupts Des' one on one with Chris they really used those masks in the square to their advantage. I'm pretty sure these howling masks can find something better to be devastated by than Bryden leaving the bachelorette.

JA: I’m always really encouraged about life whenever someone voluntarily leaves the Bachelorette. It comes off as classy and mature. And Des comes off as the opposite of that when all she can say is “I wish you’d said that sooner.” These guys are dropping like flies.

Chris - "When I'm on this date I don't have to worry about anything! I don't have to worry about what time I go to bed. I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth!"

Umm..did this statement give anyone else pause? Like Chris might have one of those diseases where his body ages faster than his brain - that sounded like the quote of a six year old. Then Des doesn't help by saying she loves spending time with him because she can always see the little boy in him. Thoughts, Josh?

I am so so so tired of private concerts with bands I’ve never heard of. From the moment Chris stepped out of the limo and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit, he’s been my pick for a frontrunner. And clearly Des likes the boys who can have a youthful playful side -- she climbed trees with Sean. I just didn’t realize she wanted them THAT youthful.

She really seems to be loving this poem though. And as much as I want to hate, in fact am dying to hate on bad, cheesy airport poetry...this was kind of a nice moment for these two.

The poem was really bad, but considering that the first draft was probably written on a cocktail napkin, it’s as close to Langston Hughes as any of the Bachelorette boys is going to get.

I think this group date looked awesome. I want to do that. Nice one producers. Everyone seemed to actually be having fun and I thought it was super cute when Brooks shoved a handful of snow in Des' face. Although I don't know if white wine would be my drink of choice after an afternoon of winter sports. Get these people some hot toddies. Or at least red wine. Save the yacht sauce for the beach.

I couldn’t agree more. They literally took a ski lift into the clouds. It’s the first group date that I was actually jealous of (aside from the Soulja Boy video, of course).

Super awkward when Brooks went to go and steal Des from James but then instead just watched them make out.

I see your awkward, and I raise you creepy.

On to the most awkward two-on-one of all time. I can't stand to look at Michael's stupid face and I felt certain he would go home since Des hasn't even talked to him this season. Then when he started get all prosecution on Ben again I thought, 'Des cannot possibly keep this psycho, make him leave now'. She teased us with sending them both home which would have been fine but then once again proving she has the worst taste of any bachelorette to date...she gives the rose to Michael! I don't even know what to say.

This two-on-one is so intense, and I’m afeared that Michael is playing all his cards too harshly. Also, please stop with the awkward and forced courtroom metaphors. We get it, Michael. You’re a Federal Prosecutor. And according to how you’re doing on this date, I hope I get busted for drug charges in your jurisdiction, because you suck. Once Ben excused himself from the table, I thought it was so so so over for Michael. And then Des inexplicably kept him...?

Oh really, Des? No cocktail party? Did the intense two-on-one date take up too much footage? This doesn’t look good for Mikey. She can’t get rid of Ben and James in the same episode. We need at least one villain to stick around for the rest of the season or else this show will basically eliminate the need for Ambien nationwide. Also she signaled during the group date that James wasn’t going anywhere and the only thing Mikey did on the group date was weird her out about maybe forcing her to stay in Chicago and become his Baby Machine. Also, is it me, or do Mikey’s eyes seem just a centimeter too close together? I’m just saying... I feel like he’s been hitting the Muscle Milk a little too hard. I still think he was genuine though. Ah well.

Now onto Barcelona where Juan Pablo is really going to shine!

He’s finally gonna be able to communicate with the locals. I smell a one- or two-on-one for him.

Til then...Fia & Josh

DES WEEK FOUR: what's your talent?

SA: Sorry again for the delay...I promise I'll be better. Josh and I had lunch last week and he described these bachelors as 'a bag full of hammers'. It made me so happy I had to share. Here we go...

JA: Am I the only one who sighed very deeply when Chris Harrison said there were just 13 guys left? That’s still so many meatheads.

Why are they going to Atlantic City...in wintertime? Does Des just love piers and beaches that much? At least she’s in a sensible pea coat.

And now that Brad is getting the one-on-one this soon after his awkward talk with Des last week, I suspect that Zak W. is exactly right. Des just wants to get him back to his son and his restraining order ASAP.

Drink up, Des. This date is going nowhere fast.

During this entire date, including the part when they “stumbled” into a chocolate factory, I felt like I was having a Jessie Spano caffeine freakout. “I’m so excited...I’m so excited...I’m so...BORED!!” And if I’m this bored, Des has to be nearly comatose. Kiss of death: when Des says that dinner was great, which means she actually ATE the dinner. And we all know that when a woman scarfs down her dinner on a date, she’s over it. But my only question is: why take him all the way up to a romantic lighthouse to dump him? Couldn’t he have just gotten his dinner to go?

I say that you have to be really suffering to want to climb that many stairs just to get away from the awkward rose on the table. What they didn't show us is that now Dan is supposed to jump to his death off the light tower? Oh, he's not? Okay then it's just the most awkward walk down the stairs ever. And then...a cab? No limo for you Dan.

“I don’t feel like she rejected me or Maddox. She made the right decision for herself.” That’s why you’re going home, Brad. You’re way too reasonable for television.

What intern wrote, "I wanna love that will light up the darkness" for the lighthouse date card?

And now here comes my favorite group date of the season. But that’s not saying much because this season has been setting the bar incredibly low -- so low that an ant couldn’t limbo under it.

This group date has everything -- another pretty girl for the guys to ogle (you okay with that competition, Des?), an over-it gay pageant coach, Chris wearing heels, Drew struggling through some iambic pentameter. My favorite quote might have been Ben, though: “This Speedo’s small...it’s gonna bear a LOT.” That’s a great way to tell America you’ve got a big package, Ben.

You can see Michael and Mikey salivating at that line. They are so jammed they get to be on this group date with Ben.

I want a live-tweet scroll of what the mayor of Atlantic City is thinking right now. #yesplease

And backstage, the men are forced to grease each other. WHERE IS GREASE GIRL? Has she just been permanently fired due to budget cuts? Or maybe the men got together and decided they wanted to bromantically grease each other.

Zak grows on me every week. I think he should have been crowned Mr. America. Though Casey's tap dance was pretty good. Also, it's week four and I am finally able to *almost tell these guys apart.

These one-on-one dates really are a mixed bag, aren’t they? She goes on some weird boardwalk chocolate factory non-date with Brad, and then tours disaster areas with James. Ew. Emily Maynard just tweeted that James reminds her of Ryan from her season. You mean because they’re both kind of muscle-y and brown-haired? Because otherwise they’re nothing alike. Way to stay relevant, though, Em.

Maybe it's because they both have those beady little eyes.

Man, they spent a lot of this episode with that old couple, didn’t they? The Red Cross must have really pushed for all this hype from the show. Although I will say that the old man crying when they went through their restored wedding album was seriously and unironically touching. I kind of want the rest of the episode to just be them. I don’t want to see a weird cocktail party.

Yes, this old couple is great. But did anyone believe that Des and James giving up their date was spontaneous? Come on. But even though we had to spend the date with James - I liked this part of the episode - I mean an advertisement for the red cross is pretty admirable compared to some of the things this show has put us through.

I love how Des and James have this super touching Sandy date... and then he goes to tell her how he couldn’t keep his wiener in his pants... when he was 18. Why is he even telling her this? Is it because he has no drug-addicted mom or abusive stepdad or inability to properly metabolize insulin? Without any traumatic stories like that, he has to resort to confessing cheating on his girlfriend... freshman year of college??? This is reaching.

Agreed, totally ridiculous. I bet when you get offered a spot on your show they make you write out at least three traumas and then you have to sign a contract promising to bring them up whenever possible.

And at the cocktail party, Des has to remind us all that her family was poor. You’re right, Des, your family has gone through a lot. Like having a d-bag for a son. Did you forget that we met them during hometowns last season?

I feel like the one real moment of the cocktail party was Bryden going all Catherine from Sean’s season and starting to confront the actual non-TV reality of what it means to have feelings for someone. Or that could have just been yet another half-baked attempt to drum up suspense for yet another unsuspenseful Rose Ceremony. 

I was watching with my mom and she thought Bryden's out burst was more of a..."If I can't have you no one will...and then he kills her".

Obviously Zack K is going home. They didn’t even bother to show any of his Mr. America performance. And if they did, I completely forgot it, which makes it even worse. Although we did learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter. Is there ANYONE on this season who doesn’t have kids? Did Des tell the producers she really really REALLY wants to be a stepmom?

She did tell Dan and Ben that she would love it.

Next week: Germany, land of beer and two failed attempts at world domination.

xx, Fia & Josh