sean: week five, part 2

Selma's big "guns"...

JA: Here's my attempt at live-blogging this episode (the next day). Also I just wanna say -- all this attention I'm paying to this show may or may not have something to do with why I'm currently single.

But you know what I am missing from this bonus episode? Sean's greased-up shirtless Canadian outdoor workout. I really hope Sean feels better after last week in Montana which, apparently, was the worst thing that's ever happened. Why is he so depressed?

SA: It's too cold in Canada to get greased up and lift weights - thank god.

And the date card arrives. Catherine, Daniella, and Tierra have not had one-on-one dates? I call bullshit. Tierra has had a one-on-one date in every single episode. She just is smart enough not to wait for a date card.

Why is CatherineChristineCaroline waiting outside for Sean in the middle of a blizzard? Is Sean playing an Avalanche Prank? Oh no, wait, he's driving something called a snow bus. And they're gonna go "play in a glacier." This is apparently Sean's "Blizzard Test," AKA my worst nightmare. But is it just me, or do you not see Catherine winning or (frankly) even making it to hometowns? She's too much of a real person. I'm continually surprised that she's even here.

Usually I think Catherine has pretty cute style (for a bachelor contestant) but what was with those ENORMOUS hoop earrings that she wore to the Glacier? I hope some production asst. was like "mmyeah...we're really gonna need you to take those off, it's a safety issue."

And here comes Catherine's trauma...is it rape? Accidental drowning? Parental abuse? Grizzly bear attack?

Oh. It's a tree falling on a girl and killing her. Right in front of Catherine's face. That's pretty intense, actually, not gonna lie. Score that rose (and some Texas tongue from Sean...eww).

I thought that was soo intense. I was gettin' chillsy. And I know that it's like a rule that you have to cough up a trauma on your one-on-one, but I thought she told the story in a pretty natural way, not in a "ya better give me that rose now" way. (PS why was there no food at the ice castle? Is it because C is a vegan and they don't know how to feed her?)

I'm bracing myself for Sean's Hypothermia Prank, AKA my other worst nightmare. Suddenly the "art gallery" prank he played on Des doesn't seem so bad since now all the pranks carry the risk of death. Oh, it's optional? I bet some prissy girl (aka Selma) might take him up on that. Also not looking forward to Tierra's antics.

Hahahahaha and here goes Selma backing out. Stop reminding us you're Iraqi, Selma. You're probably from the Valley. And the Valley's where you'll be going back to before long. If you can't hang with the pranks, you can't become Mrs. Lowe. Point blank.

And once again, Ashlee has a moment that's stolen by Tierra. What person who's actually suffering from shock and hypothermia says "nuh uh" when you ask them if they know what day it is? Tha conversation between Sean and Tierra in that bed was the most disturbing thing I've ever seen. He's the biggest idiot in the world.

Tierra: "SO COLD. MUST HAVE STARBUCKS TO GO, AND A BURGER IN BED, AND AN OXYGEN TANK PROP STAT" Also maybe the reason T got such a chill is because as opposed to the other girls who put on robes, boots and scarves when they got out of the water, Tierra was running around barefoot on the beach using one of the foil blankets as a cape to show off her bikini. That's your fault T, not the glacier's - grow a pair.

Tierra's bullshit aside, I actually thought this date was pretty cool. Mostly because the girls a seemed to be bonding with each other. They all seemed so genuinely happy and invigorated after.

Sarah with these baby pictures...I feel like it's a cheap and desperate way to get people to connect with you. I mean...my baby pictures are cute enough to get me a date with anyone. Anywhere. Guaranteed. I don't see how she stays past this week. I actually forgot she was there.

And...Lesley officially steals my "Tierrarist" pun. I want it on the record that I coined that term at Week Three.

Okay, Sean redeemed himself by giving Lesley the rose. Even though she's a pun-stealer.

Way to do the right think Sean, Leslie is awesome. The fact that she even thought of a pun worthy of Josh Allen esteems her in my book. Now two of my three favs already have roses - Catherine & Leslie. If Des gets a rose on her date (which we know she will) that's my top three, (my top three ladies to be friends with. I don't really see Sean with anyone...)

Did I call this or WHAT? Sarah's done. Oh, but this is bad. And awkward. And bad. Oh, man. I feel bad even watching this. My heart is breaking for her.

Poor Sarah. I think I would almost rather have been rejected at the rose ceremony so that I could just chalk it up to him "connecting more with others" than "not wanting me". Oh GOD. I just imagined myself on the bachelor thinking in their stupid phrases. WE NEED TO STOP THIS NOW.

I think as we head into this one-on-one that Daniella is on the bubble. It's either her or Selma, the "I'm Gonna Sit This One Out" Iraqi going home. Hands down. I can't see Sean and Selma together. She's too high maintenance. And I don't know that her bringing shame on her family with a closed-mouth 4th-grade kiss is gonna make enough difference.

And here we go with Sean's Rappel Prank, AKA my other other worst nightmare. And here's the obligatory "extreme outdoor activity as metaphor for a relationship" moment.

Now she's daring him to climb a tree. She's winning because she's tapped into the 10-year-old boy that Sean is. They seem like they have an actual connection (i.e. not just for the cameras). And at the moment of strongest connection, Des digs deep for the childhood poverty story. (Are you clocking Sean's complete inability to understand not having money?) Des should have been the winner. It's gonna be bad when her boyfriend shows up. Like, really bad.

Sean: Come up here you little cub. - Only cute thing he's said to anyone all season. What a shame Des' bf shows up at hometowns. And yes, I completely agree with you, when she was telling him they were poor it really seemed like he couldn't grasp it. "You lived in a tent with you're family? Why didn't you live in your backyard play cottage? Oh wait, you didn't have a play cottage the size of most people's homes? That must be why you are so down to earth."

Is Wedding Dress Lindsay wasted again? Whatever she's doing, it's working. I'm actually sitting at my computer giggling along with them as they play the "don't kiss me...OKAYKISSMENOW" game. But ultimately she strikes me more as a high school girlfriend than a wife.

Maybe if she had been Sean's high school girlfriend he would know how to use his penis now...and wouldn't be on this show.

As for Ashlee, I'm thinking she's a little too serious. We get it...you hate being vulnerable because as a child you were constantly being abandoned and abused and unloved and raped, etc. But you're on an ABC reality show...try to have a little fun (and some free liquor). Is this what happens when the biological clock starts ticking hardcore, or what? I feel like if Sean ever sends her home, she's gonna fall ALL THE WAY apart.

"I am comfortable being led by you...here blindfold me"...really? Pretty sure that in 2013 marriage should be a partnership, honey. This isn't Bachelor 1950. You can take the blindfold off now.

Oh, 2 eliminations? Selma and Daniella. Right? Who else could it be? Lindsay and Ashlee did everything they needed to do at the Cocktail Party.

Man, did anyone else think that despite that horrible kiss, Selma looked smokin' hot in that yellow dress?

Yeah. Once again, no suspense. Too bad Selma's gonna be shunned and disowned by her entire family and have nothing to show for it. But Daniella...somehow I think she'll be just fine. She's gonna wake up in a week and forget she was even there.

Daniella, come over and watch with us next week...we would LOVE your commentary.