sean: week three

There's no crying in beach volleyball

SA: Our bachelor viewing this week began by Josh and I debating on a scale of one to rude, how rude it would be for us to invite ourselves over to Nick Jones' house to watch Sean woo this week's ladies. We decided just to go for it and thankfully Nick was game for our friend bomb. We three playwrights settled in for a lovely evening of drinking coronas and watching these desperate women's tears melt their spray tans.

JA: I suppose we're just gonna have to get used to seeing Sean's oiled-up morning workout at the top of every episode. It's like the producers are desperately still trying to convince us that he's sexy when...he's not. He's so not.

I think he's auditioning for an AXE body spray endorsement deal (gross I just realized that's prob what Sean smells like). I mean, why else would they grease him up like a baby pig and make him lift weights for us EVERY WEEK? Oh right, it's because of how hot and bothered Emily's old friend got last season when she made him do push-ups for her while she giggled and chugged wine out of a styrofoam cup at a playground. Remembering this, I must sadly admit that this sow in baby oil is what many American women find attractive. 

I don't think Leslie H (that's the black Leslie, right?) is going to be satisfied until she kills the other Leslie. That's the only way she can keep from being disappointed every time a date card comes and she holds her breath after "Leslie..." waiting for her last initial and it's NEVER HER LAST INITIAL.

Would it be wrong to refer to them as black Leslie and white Leslie? Because I cannot keep these last initials straight. It might also be nicer to the women if when the date card came it said, "White Leslie..." Then BL wouldn't get her hopes up waiting for that defining extra letter.

I agree with you that Lesley (DC)'s look as Sean led her into the Guinness World Record museum was totally, "I could've worn jeans, flats, and my college sweatshirt for this." Also (and this is the honest truth...I swear on Trista Sutter), I just did a search on guinnessworldrecords.com and could find NO evidence of there even being a record for fastest trip around the 48 states, much less Sean's dad holding said record.

As I said last night, I seriously doubt that an old map with some polaroids on it is on display at the museum. That looked to me like the work of the Art Department intern.

That kiss...that kiss was one of the weirdest, unhottest things I've ever seen. And ABC forced us to watch that in real time. At first I thought Lesley was trying to be sexy with all the grabbing of the hair and face. But I think she was just trying to hold on to the statue she was trying to make out with. Homegirl EARNED that rose. And I think she's gonna make it far. Like, probably hometowns far.

Would this be a good time to talk about who makes it hometowns? I'm guessing White Leslie, Sarah one arm, Tierra and maybe the girl who wore the wedding dress since I don't think Sean can tell her and White Leslie apart. I would say Des since she's my early favorite but as we know from the trailer, her real boyfriend shows up at some point to take back what's his. (Sorry feminist self, had to say it). 

I can't even talk about that beach day. Except to give a gold star to Christine (Caroline? Clarissa?), who chimed in with the day's most Obvious and Unnecessary Statement: "We're having fun playing around on the beach so far, but I don't think we came down here just to have fun." And...cue beach volleyball game. Also, apparently, cue Kristy breaking down into heaving sobs upon losing the game. Thought you were here for Sean, Kristy. Clearly you just wanted to win that volleyball game.

Best misuse of the word literally this episode - "This volleyball game where we are forced to compete for more time with Sean is literally my worst nightmare". Yes, many of us often wake up in cold sweats thinking about playing beach volleyball with a bunch of gals in matching neon bikinis where the prize is a group date with a Ken doll and only 6 other Barbies instead of 12. Actually, wait - is this show inspired by Matel? Every girl I knew had a shit load of Barbies and only one Ken. Who needs more than that? You can't change their outfits.

You totally called that Lindsay rose. Mainly because it was so dark where they were that he thought he was back with DC Lesley.

Also, I had no idea that girl's name was Lindsay. I have just been thinking of her as drunk wedding dress girl OR the poor man's DC Leslie.

I just...what is there to say that hasn't already been said about the Make-A-Wish date with Ashlee (I'm in protest against that capital L in her name, so I won't be capitalizing it)? For them to invite random disabled girls that had no relationship to Sean whatsoever on this date was at best awkward and at worst just downright mean. First, we had to endure the Tierrarist Attack in which Absolutely No One pushed Tierra down the stairs and we had to watch her plan for attention spiral out of control as medics were called and she was about to be taken to Cedars-Sinai (and presumably out of the competition) by helicopter. But we already know that Tierra's gonna be the Courtney of this season, so I won't even say much about her this week.

But then, after enduring all that (and by enduring, I mean Ashlee sits in the house while Sean and Tierra spoon out on the veranda), Sean and Ashlee finally get to Magic Mountain and have to spend the whole day terrified that they'll inadvertently kill one of these disabled girls on the roller coasters. I mean, I didn't even think they let you ride roller coasters if you very clearly and visually seemed to have something wrong...spinally. At a certain point, I didn't even know what I was watching. Looks like Ashlee set another world record...for Longest Time Spent Crashing the Date Sean's Having With Two Random Disabled Girls. You know it's bad when you're HOPING Sean will put Ashlee out of her misery and tell her it was another prank. "Gotcha! This girl doesn't actually have a debilitating skeletal disorder. She's actually an actress we hired, aren't you, Actress?" Also, what was the disparity between their injuries? One had spina bifida and the other had carpal tunnel.

Just kidding. DC Lesley doesn't even know the meaning of "earning a rose" when compared to Ashlee. Just...wow. That date had to get Ashlee all the way to week 6. At least.

OK OK, I have WAY TOO MUCH too say about this date where AshLee and Sean get to imagine what their life would look like were they to get married and have two disabled daughters...and because I have too much to say, I won't say anything much of anything because I'm sure everyone watching had a shit ton of their own thoughts, feelings, jokes, cringes, and just all around ickiness when they were taking those old time photos as a foursome.

I leave it to you to talk about Kacie B. As far as I'm concerned, the B is for Boring. Done with her. And apparently, so is Sean.

Kacie B, Kacie B, Kacie B - where do we start? What happened to you after Ben's season? Couldn't you have nursed that broken heart and then gotten back on the horse off camera? I promise that after Sean's two month engagement to (most likely) Tierra falls apart you could have easily convinced him to bone you at some Bachelor mixer. Why did you come back on this show? Now we all think you're crazy whereas last season we just thought your parents were crazy. Guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree for poor Kacie B.

I will say, Sean was a real class act not making her sit through that rose ceremony. He's a human. Who knew? And bringing Sarah's dog to visit her since she didn't get a date this week was also very sweet. And now I realize that Sean is super nice, will probably make a fine husband and is the type of person my mom was always pressuring me to 'give a chance' when I was single. To which I would reply, "I'm just not attracted to him! You can't force yourself to be attracted to someone!" Which is sadly what many of these otherwise intelligent women (looking at you DC Leslie) are attempting to do. Wait for the real thing, Leslie! You're better than this!

Didn't expect Robyn and Black Leslie to get their roses so soon. I'm pumped for next week, when he goes 2 for 2 with minority girl one-on-one dates. Love that Desiree, though. She and Sean are like giddy schoolchildren around each other.

As for the girls who got kicked off, not surprised. Taryn is 30...which means we're both 14, right? And Kristy reminded us that there is no crying in reality TV beach volleyball. Sayonara, ladies.