sean: week six

okay, T, you're right - that eyebrow is totally out of control....

JA: Another live blog begins…I’m gearing up for a St. Croix Smackdown! My hope going in is that Sean realizes what the rest of us already know to be true in the world: if everyone’s an asshole, YOU’RE the asshole.

And here goes Tierra playing the age card. Not gonna lie, Ashlee is 32 in human years, which is approx. 258 in Bachelor years. But in the real world, Tierra, it’s okay for a 32-year-old woman to be single. Is it weird that I’m pulling for Ashlee and I don’t think she’s totally full of bullshit? But also I’m worried that she’s way too into him. Biting my nails for the big reveal of her Other Big Secret.

SA: And if you're on the Bachelor at 24, vying for a fiance - you're the one on the wrong side of the age game. Doesn't Tierra know she's supposed to be drunk at Union Pool at 24? Not getting into a screaming match with some broad nearly ten years older than she is about whose going to marry the greased up Virgin (thank Us Weekly...)

Wait, sidebar: is Tierra actually sleeping on a cot in the hallway? Whyyyyyy is she doing that? As if prompted by producers (weird…why would producers prompt Sean to do anything?), Sean pops the question (but not the one Ashlee wants to hear): “WHAT’S YOUR SECRET???” Does she have a kid? I bet it’s a kid. Wait for it…wait for it…she’s transgendered. I bet it’s a penis. Wait for it…

Oh. She got married when she was 17. I now have Bachelor Secret Blueballs. I literally just yawned. She is playing the “I’m broken” card harder than anybody I’ve ever seen.

I was banking on an eating disorder but married at 17 is way more AshLee...Now, let's be honest...it's stupid and trashy to put a ring on it in high school but we are talking about something that happened 15 years ago...who cares? Sean also seemed to have not a good or bad reaction, he had NO REACTION whatsoever. Hello, Sean - anyone in there??? I feel like most of this show his eyes are glazed over and he's trying to remember old Garfield episodes while these girls are talking.

Sean is proof that boys are stupid. Nuff said. I take that back. He just said that he was “subconsciously” pulling away from Tierra. Somebody’s read his Carl Jung.

I wanna see this cot Tierra’s sleeping on. I really wanna see it. 

“I cannot control my eyebrow. I CANNOT control my EYEBROW.” –Tierra

Poor Tierra, it sucks to be a bitch without a poker face.

“I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” –Catherine

Catherine again, is cementing her place as most laid back girl ever to win a ticket to bachelor town. Quick Q - all these girls are allowed to do is drink, talk about Sean and primp. If she just needs to pee and she's good then 1/3 of her time in the house in unaccounted for...

Finally…a date that’s not my idea of a nightmare. It’s actually my idea of a perfect day. Color me JEALOUS!!! Although I feel like Sean is the dad carting his daughter and her friends around the island, like it’s some bad live-action Disney movie from 1987. There’s that much romance on this date. (The graphics from the high school AV club didn’t help either.)

My favorite moment from this group date was when Lindsay was like, “Yeah, I try to hide my depth behind humor” and Sean was like, “Yeah…I think we’re similar”…so that’s what you’ve been doing this whole time. Hiding your depth behind humor. And behind an inch-thick layer of baby oil.

Can I declare a new favorite? Keep in mind this is not MY favorite. But I think Lindsay is maybe the only girl who would actually marry Sean. They seem to have about the same IQ. She's gonna make up for what he's lacking in the bedroom and they seem to want to same kind of life. I would rather hang out with Catherine or Des but I'm betting once these girls get back to the real world - and are allowed newspapers, books, internet, friends and other men -- they won't be Sean's 'best friend' for long. Sean - do your self a favor and pick the cute sorta goofy army brat whose not too cool for you.

Wait, Catherine’s father has trauma, too? Just kidding. Sorry, Ashlee, but Catherine’s actually winning the trauma game. But ultimately, I think Sean admires Catherine and thinks she’s cool. I just don’t see her getting that ring in Week 10.

My other favorite moment from this group date? The delicious sense of irony I feel when I watch Sean ask Desiree, “what do you want me to see when I go to your hometown with you?” knowing full well what he will actually see. She’s crying so hard because she knows what’s about to go down.

Loved when Leslie said, "I watch this show and think these girls are idiots and now I'm one of those idiots" (paraphrased but you get the gist). Yeah, Leslie. You've been deprived of civilization for weeks and now you're brainwashed. That's why you can tell a camera man you're in love with Sean but then you're out there alone picking avocados and you just can't get the love vomit out - wanna know why? Because you're not actually in love with him. Sorry, Leslie. You're not as stupid as you thought. 

So Sean’s entire one-on-one date with Leslie is just gonna be sitting and talking??? That CANNOT be good. And if you have real “raw passion and chemistry” with someone, then you’ll be too busy making out and pawing at each other to talk about it. Okay and now I’m officially dozing off. STOP TALKING, LESLIE.

The whole sequence with the Tierra/Ashlee smackdown being intercut with Sean’s conversation with his sister (btw…who names their children Shay and Sean? Phonetically, that’s just odd…) and his walk to the cabin was pure ABC genius. Reality TV storytelling at its best. His arrival was timed perfectly with her meltdown.

Bravo ABC! And Bravo Shay. I've never seem someone successfully talk the Bachelor out of letting the crazy bitch go...Shay has definitely written her own bachelor recaps at some point and it turns out of all these ladies, it's his sister who has Sean by the balls.

This is…one of the stranger breakups I’ve seen. “Because I’m so crazy about you…I think we should stop seeing each other.” I’m gonna try that next time I dump someone. “I love you to pieces, but I know how hard this is on you, so let me do you this favor and break up with you.” Genius. Only straight men can get away with this. This is what they’re experts at.

Yes but is it because straight men are master manipulators or idiots? Both? Is it both?

Twenty bucks says Tierra ends up on Bachelor Pad. Now, unless there’s a shocker, it seems pretty clear that Leslie will also be going home.

I still want to see Tierra’s cot. Should I let it go by now?

Josh, what were you smoking this episode - they showed us that cot like 50 times. They even showed her taking it out of the closet and unfolding it....where have you been? This is why we need to watch together - preferably with pork butt!

Once again, the Rose Ceremony goes moment for moment how I thought it was. But what I didn’t see coming was how distraught Catherine was over ANOTHER GIRL GOING HOME. That was intense, huh? Almost like she expected Leslie to win it all and now she’s SHAKEN TO THE CORE.

That Catherine break down was the weirdest thing I've seen all season. Did she want to go home? Can she not believe she has to introduce Sean to her family? Was she rooting for Leslie? Can we get more time in the confessional with Catherine pleeeaaassseee???

It’ll all get super Looney Tunes at Hometowns…can’t. Wait. Except…the angry guy they made us think was Des’s hometown boyfriend is really just her brother??? A) He looks nothing like her. B) Does he have his SAG card?  Or C) Is this finally Des getting revenge for the art show prank???

I hope it’s C.

DES' brother (slash old boyfriend...what happened in that tent?!?!?) if next episode is as good as it's preview that dude needs and Emmy. With Lindsay's dad coming in for a close second. Hometown dates are always the best! Can't wait.

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