kaitlyn // week three

Hi All, Josh is on deadline this week so it's just me. Sorry for the delay. We'll both be back at ya in a timely fashion this week! -Fia

make it stop

"I have the heart of a warrior and the spirit of a gypsy" - Tony

This is the season of the bad tattoo. There are more bad tattoos this season than there are on the boardwalk in Ocean City, Maryland. I thought it couldn't get worse than JJ's horrific, acid-trip inspired sleeve until I saw Tony's full leg tattoo (is that called a pant?) Actually, scratch that- JJ's is still worse. What the F is going on? Did both Britt and Kaitlyn make it known to producers during casting that they would prefer men with terrible ink?

We got a little bit more Shawn this week, though still not enough to satiate my friends in NYC. Despite little screen time, Shawn still snags the group date rose. I clocked how whenever she walks up to a group of the guys, Shawn is usually the first one she hugs--even if he's not on the date that day. I know from reading Ali Fedotowsky's old blog posts (God forgive me) that this is how to spot the guy the bachelorette likes the most. Shawn is not going anywhere. Their connection is real and I'm invested in it. I am curious, though, how the relationship will play out post sex scandal. We see hints of possessiveness in Shawn already (though it's important to note that, for now at least, this quality comes off as charming,  and not creepy). I think Shawn is definitely top three, probably top two, or maybe even the winner IF he does not freak out and bolt post sex-scandal. Some of my friends think that Shawn is the second participant in that hotel room, but I'm still pretty sure that it's Nick. Considering Kaitlyn and Nick were corresponding pre-taping, it makes sense to me that she would view the timeline of their relationship differently than the other guys. My second guess is that rat face is the one who slips it in early. We had nice foreshadowing of that possibility this week when she brought him to her hotel room mid group date. She's also mentioned many times how physically attracted to him she is, despite his ratish face.

(Hey, guys, real talk, I am softening on Jared, but I feel I have gone in too hard with this nickname to turn back. Rat face he shall stay.)

JJ said he wants to be on this sumo wrestling date because he loves sushi. What a tool.

So, Tony has a faux freak-out post getting his ass handed to him by the sumo wrestlers. He gave a long, insane interview prior to getting in the ring, where he somehow thought that he would be able to defeat the world sumo wrestling champion. When he obviously cannot, he decides that he's not okay with violence and gives Kaitlyn shit for putting him through this. He can barely control his desire to look at the camera and flex his pecs. He's trying so hard to perform that he's hot (he's not) and that he's zen (also not). He could not be more of an aggressive poser. A fauxgi, if you will. Regardless, he still came up with a pretty good back-up date (let's go to the zoo, see who makes the best elephant noise) so maybe they can hire him as a freelance producer.

I don't even really want to talk about Clint and JJ. They are using being in love with one another as a gross way to insult Kaitlyn. They use the language of the show to display how much of a joke this whole thing is to them. The way the show is choosing the edit this section as real, and not as a couple of douches acting like douches, is even worse. It seems like the show is trying to humiliate Clint and JJ by tricking some less aware viewers into thinking they are actually in love-- which is an even worse kind of gay bashing.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn because it seems like the producers went out of their way to cast scary, dangerous men this season. Kupah probably would have punched her given the chance. Tony definitely has women locked in his basement and JJ and Clint are the kind of guys that make me terrified of fraternities (date rapists, if you will). I know they are trying to up the drama for rating, but a crazy man is a lot more dangerous than a crazy woman.

Ben Z., though not my type, does a stand-up job with the one-on-one date and revealing more of his trauma (this poor man). This kind of nice guy always makes it pretty far - he is Kaitlyn equivilant of Sean and Chris Soules - a lovable oaf to balance out all the sociopaths. This guy usually makes it up to fantasy suites when the bachelorette has to admit she has no desire to f*&^ him.

I love Ben H. That sperm thing was a little cheesy but I don't care. I love him. Ben H. forever.

kaitlyn // week two

I want in!

Sofia Alvarez: Happy Memorial Day. Yesterday, Adam and I hosted a BBQ at our apartment. There were still plenty of people hanging out in our backyard at 9pm but that did not stop me, Nikki, Tess and Emilia from hoofing it into the living room to watch bach. Obvs. Some of these week's commentary is from these lovely ladies as I was taking notes while we watched together.

Nikki on Brady: all his t-shirts are so scoop neck!

Josh Allen: This Nikki person has her finger on the pulse of the people. I too clocked Brady's scoop neck (serving American Apparel realness, perhaps?) as he proceeded to romance Britt. Speaking of which, why are we watching any of this?

Total sidenote: why is there so much produce in the kitchen of the Bachelor house? What's going on? Is everyone on Paleo?

SA: This was the episode of powerful women. We get both Amy Schumer and Laila Ali! Nikki said that Amy Schumer should become the new host of the bachelorette, girl power style, and CH can stick with the dudes. I love that idea. The way she cut JJ down to size was one of the greatest things I've ever seen on television. She would be so funny and amazing and I wish that she was on every week. Also, I can't imagine Britt on a stand-up comedy date. This seems like something that was planned specifically for Kaitlyn - yet, it's only week one so it must have been planned before producers knew who would be crowned bachelorette? I'm confused.

JA: Yeah, even I was surprised at the level of heavy hitter (no pun intended) that the show lined up. Like, both Laila and Amy are real, actual famous people who don't already work for ABC and who therefore have no contractual obligation to be there. And I agree that Amy would be an amazing co-host but my only fear is that she would start to take over the show, simply because she has more personality in her ponytail than all these contestants put together.

SA: You're right - it would change the game. Because the point is that no one has any personality to speak of, making us think they all do. Bachelor contestants need to be graded on a curve. Also, last week, I was super into Britt and Brady's love story but now it's starting to feel very planned and forced. When he asked her to be his girl, I was pretty sure that happened like, 20 minutes after he showed up in her hotel room. What at first appeared to be a grand gesture of running out of the rose ceremony - now feels like obvious producer coaxing. Don't get me wrong, I still think these two are perfect for one another. I also wouldn't be surprised if the wedding special at the end of this season had nothing to do with Kaitlyn, I just wish the puppet strings were a little less visible.

JA: I could not care less about Brady and Britt. I don't want to be seeing them. I don't want any updates on them. I don't want to watch them walk the streets of Santa Monica and get ice cream cones. There's one Bachelorette and her name is Kaitlyn. I only have room in my heart the icebox where my heart used to be to invest in one person's search for love. Let Britt go. It's not our fault that she's not cool enough or crazy enough to be on Bachelor in Paradise. Sometimes these things just don't work out.

SA: Rat face gets the shit beat out of him, a trip to the emergency room and then a kiss from K for all his trouble. I was so excited thinking the surprise guest at the party was Nick (!) and then wholly disappointed when it was only the slightly concussed rat face. Emilia brought up that rat face might be cuter in person that he appears on TV, which I suppose I can almost see and I'm willing to accept that he might grow on me, but, for now I'm still #notafan.

JA: I can't believe you call Jared "Rat Face." Way harsh, Tai. Though there is some truth to it and there's only so long I can look at him before I get a bit of the creeps. I was proud of Jared for holding his own against the enormity of Ben Z. Like, how was anyone else going to beat him at boxing? Then again, I don't know anything about boxing because I don't understand a sport where people just punch each other in the face repeatedly until one of them dies.

I was glad when he went in for a kiss, though. I'm like, Dear Jared, this is your chance. Take it. And we've already established that Kaitlyn will kiss just about anyone. I love the Kaitlyn of these early weeks, who is unashamed and sex-positive, before the ABC slut-shame machine goes into full gear. I'm really not looking forward to watching a grown-ass woman tearfully apologize and explain herself to a bunch of meatheads that she's casually dating.

SA: Um, hello Ben H. How did I not notice you last week?

JA: Who?

SA: My next bachelor husband...

SA: Josh, I hate to break it to you and our readers, but what I thought was a pimple, is actually a permanent pink mole on Justin's face. And it's not going away until he does. And if you're not as shallow as me, and the mole is not enough of a turn-off, we also learned this week that his son's name is Aurelias? Justin's son's name is Aurelias! WTF. Get this guy outta here.

JA: Yeah, at first I was down with Justin, because he's from Illinois, and I support Chicagoans implicitly (even if they are from the suburbs), but I don't think there's anything going on there, other than his son's ridiculous name. I think the last person to name anyone Aurelius was Shakespeare.

SA: I think it's really unfair to make all these small fey men fight the hulk that is other Ben (not cute Ben H, the other one, whose eyes are too close together). And then of course, Other Ben gets the group date rose because it wouldn't be America if the guy who beat the shit out of all the other guys wasn't then rewarded for it. Is this like, the GOT fighting pits or what? And I know what you're thinking: he didn't just get the rose because he beat the shit out of rat face. He also got the rose because his mother fell down the stairs when he was fourteen and that fall led to the discovery of her spinal cancer. And yes, that is a very sad story. Okay, give Other Ben the rose. Give him all the roses, but then go make-out with Ben H.

JA: Nice Game of Thrones reference, Fia. Yeah, as I said before, boxing makes no sense, but let's go with it, because America. Ben Z is clearly a student of The Bachelorette. He knows that the road to a group date rose is often paved with personal trauma. But let's try to follow his lightning-fast trajectory. The train of thought went kind of like this:

I like cookies.
I actually like all food.
Food reminds me of my mom.
My mom died.

Ben Z is not messing around. He is making the most of his limited screen time. And he sure scored a rose. I think mainly Kaitlyn was afraid she'd get punched in the back of the head if she gave the rose to someone else.

SA: I know what we're all wondering: Is that a real Eva Fehren X ring Kaitlyn is sporting or a knock off? Don't worry. Eva and her partner Ann are friends of mine and so I plan to get to the bottom of it. I will report back ASAP.

JA: I have no idea what any of that means, because boy. But I'm excited for your report, Fia.

SA: Wait, who is that 50 year-old man?

SA: Everyone I am watching with is in love with Shawn and is very disappointed that he gets no air time this ep. I'm not worried, because she likes him so much, it's clear he's not going anywhere with or without screen time.

JA: I agree. Everyone loves Shawn. Shawn consistently wins the "right reasons" award.

SA: Is it just me, or does Clint seems like he's already been on this show? Like, isn't there a Clint every season.

These pictures are funny mainly because Kaitlyn can't hold her breath underwater, she always has the little bubbles. I think it's cute. I also think it's cute that she held her nose when she jumped in. Okay, you guys, I'm falling a little bit in love with Kaitlyn.

JA: I'm not even kidding, for a second I thought Clint was Dylan from Andi's season. Like, I saw him on screen and thought, okay, they're bringing back multiple guys from Andi's season? And then I realized that it wasn't Dylan. But don't they have a striking resemblance? I dare you to put them side by side and figure out which one is which.

SA: Okay, now we have an Entourage movie commercial. I know we don't usually talk about commercial, but I am worried about Turtle. He is clearly anorexic and someone needs to step in and do something.

JA: Agree. When he first started losing weight, I was very excited for him, because it seemed like something he was doing strictly to be healthier. But now it's possibly gone too far. He's gonna have to change his nickname to Tadpole.

SA: The healer brought his old bathrobe. He also claims publicly to despise fighting after the boxing date, and yet, he's the only man who showed up with a black eye. How many women do you think are naked and starving locked in Tony's basement while he competes on this show?

JA: Tony is for sure threatening women with the hose if they don't put the lotion in the basket. He couldn't even remember which girl won the popular vote to become the Bachelorette. Tony is gross and needs to go. 

SA: Unfortunately now two men on this show have told Kaitlyn the interrupting cow joke. But unlike the last one (who was that?) Ian knows that he's got nothing with this. He knows he's not funny and he's not trying to pretend otherwise--he's just trying to get through it. Still, I thought he seemed pretty comfortable up there given the situation. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I buy her being into him. She definitely would have kissed him for longer than two seconds if she really liked him. She got down with that sociopath JJ for like, a full minute.  But I also understand why she's not crazy bout Ian. He clearly really likes her and on a show like the bachelorette, being too in, too soon, is rarely a turn-on. I still think he's a nice, cute, sincere guy and I hope he finds love soon - maybe in paradise?

JA: I totally see Ian in paradise.

SS: Okay, we all know JJ is a turd because Amy Schumer told us so, and we all trust Amy. But now he proves his turdiness by pulling K aside without giving her time to talk to the roseless men.

JA: JJ reminds me of some of the guys I used to teach GMAT prep to in New York (yes, I did that for a lot of years). Except those guys are still investment bankers. How many people do we think JJ has infected with HPV?

SA: Oh, god, Josh. I hate to think of it!! Also, Koopah gets wasted and tries to throw shade at Kaitlyn for not talking to him on the boxing date, even though he was clearly more into talking to Laila Ali. Then he trashes K loudly behind her back. She calls him on it and asks him to leave. He then tries to defend himself and save face by...calling her hot? WTF, Koopah. You gotta go. I was proud of Kaitlyn for standing up for herself here and I really don't know why we need a to be continued. Obviously Koopah will leave along with two other men who will be indistinguishable from one another and soon forgotten.

JA: This precedent that's now been set of extending rose ceremonies over multiple episodes has got to stop. There's actually no real suspense in it at all. It's just annoying. Send people home and be done with it. 

As for Kupah, he's an idiot. Usually, I am always pulling for the African-American contestants to stay as long as possible (I'm looking at you, Marquel), but this season, I'm a little like, send them ALL home (even Ian?!?). Especially Jonathan, who doesn't waste a chance to remind us that he really wishes Britt were here instead of Kaitlyn. I'm over him too.

Josh, Why did you not correct my spelling of Kupah (I clearly thought he was a Mario character) and why did you have to remind me that we could have had a season of MARQUEL as BACHELOR (!) instead of stupid, horrible Chris? Ugh. Life's not fair.

kaitlyn + britt // week one parts 1 + 2

Shh... don't tell anyone... but I'm about to send this girl PACKING.

Josh Allen: Welcome, everyone, to a new season of The Bachelorette! It's my fourth season snarking along with the inimitable Sofia Alvarez. We love nothing more than to sit back and watch as a plucky, intrepid young woman exchanges saliva (and, if Kaitlyn is any indication, plenty of other body fluids) with the bro-ey-est bros who ever bro-ed. And speaking of the word "pluck," some of these bros doth protest too much about being into the ladies. Eyebrows don't lie. (I'm still looking at you, Drew from Des's season.)

Sofia Alvarez: I have a lot of notes about Monday night, but now that we know Kaitlyn is the one, do any of us still really care? Josh, I'll let you decide if we get into the nitty gritty of BRITT v KAITLYN or if we can just move on from here--

JA: I won't spend a lot of time on it, but I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the insanity and awfulness of this season's opening premise. ABC has managed to exceed our craziest expectations by figuring out how to make even The Bachelorette a show where women compete with each other. Stay classy, ABC. And the men face a difficult decision between Kaitlyn, the obvious choice, and Britt, She of the Magenta Lipstick and Unwashed Body. Even the obligatory "dude who gets too drunk and then yells about raping everyone" moment felt forced and stupid. These first two hours were a massive misstep on ABC's part, and so unnecessary. They could have found 25 guys who were into Kaitlyn from jump street and just gotten on with it. This sets a dangerous precedent.

SA: Chris Harrison, harshest man alive, makes it seem as if Britt is the bachelorette before sending her home in tears. She doesn't even get to say goodbye to everyone. Instead, they throw her out like a stack of yesterday's papers. You can almost hear the PAs hissing, "into the limo with you, reject! No one wants to marry you!" When actually the truth is that nearly half the dudes here do want to marry you, but now they have to date that other girl.

Britt says she has a lot of love to give and I don't doubt it. But more on that later.

Kaitlyn is pretty cute when she's not performing. When Chris told her that she is the bachelorette now and she couldn't quite believe it yet, that was the most I've ever liked her.

"Oh, I still have to do that?" Is Kaitlyn's reasonable response to being told there will still be a rose ceremony tonight, even though tonight is now tomorrow morning.

JA: In the moment of Britt's loss, I came the closest to feeling bad for Britt that I've ever come. Which is still light-years away, but I got closer. I can't hide my utter glee at this outcome. An entire season of Britt, with all that hair and all those tears, would have just been too much for me.

SA: Though she was never my favorite, I do see the appeal of Britt as Bachelorette. It's almost feels like they cast her to play the role before Chris's season even started. When the tide started to turn against her last season and last night, she and the producers looked on together sadly as that dream slowly burned to the ground. One of the problems I had with both of these girls as bachelorette candidates, is that they both swing far into the "I want to be famous" camp, as opposed to the "I want to find love" one. I have never been as pro-Kaitlyn as many of my peers (and as Josh). Her jokes often irk me, and I was concerned about her ability to, oh god, I'm actually going to say it--"open up". But, based on night one, and scenes from this season, it appears that Kaitlyn tears her walls down in a way she never did with Chris and I'm excited to see it. I still feel for Britt though, and if I wasn't gunning for things to work out between her and Brady, I'd want to see her in paradise.

Based on their conversations pre-vote, I like Shawn and Ian for Kaitlyn and they are the two who appear most excited during her reveal. Brady looks pissed and the creepy healer coos 'well-deserved' into her ear, which is pretty twisted since he was so team-Britt. I am also wondering if this guy speaks another language where healer actually means rapist. I would not want to be alone in a room with this man, and I definitely wouldn't put my drink down in front of him.

JA: Tony the Healer is one of the creepiest people I've ever seen on television (and I watched almost all of the pilot of Penny Dreadful). To say nothing of the irony that the person who's a "healer" is walking around with what looks like a giant bruise on his face. If he mentions Britt's "energy" one more time, I'm mailing rape whistles to Kaitlyn and the entire production staff.

SA: Wait, so now Kaitlyn has to have conversations with these guys all over again? Didn't we already do this part? This cocktail party is never ending! I think they should've gone right into the rose ceremony after the vote so that the guys who didn't want Kaitlyn wouldn't have time to front.

Now that she's more comfortable, we are seeing the flirtatious side of Kaitlyn. Especially in her conversations with JJ and Chris. She knows how to flirt, which I feel is pretty rare in a bachelorette. Certainly Desiree did not know how to flirt and Andi was more about flirting by way of arguing.

JA: I think Kaitlyn can strike the perfect balance between goofy and flirty. Des was far too goofy and you're right, Fia -- Andi flirted like the gang prosecutor that she is. She flirted like she was smelling a fart. Way too intense and pucker-mouthed for an 8pm show on a broadcast network. Kaitlyn's pucker mouth is actually flirtatious, in a 9th-grade sort of way.

SA: Way to go, cupcake! Snagging the first kiss.

JA: I know! That kiss was so sweet. As is the sweet, sweet love that Kaitlyn will be making with potentially more than one gentleman. But more on that later.

SA: I think we all knew last night that Shawn was gonna get the first impression rose. These two are cute and way to go Kaitlyn, two kisses on the first night.

Now, I am worried Ian is not going to get a rose - which, yes, I know is how ABC wants me to feel. But he seems so nice! Even if Kaitlyn's not gonna keep him around forever, I think how upfront he was from the get that she was his gal is enough to earn him a night one rose.

JA: I was also worried for Ian. Especially after he did all those sad reality-show looks off into the Venice Beach sunset. And after we heard the story of his car accident and the doctors telling him he'd never run again. I'm like, come on, Kaitlyn. You've gotta keep him around long enough for him to tell you that story. Perhaps while you pick at gelatinous slabs of fish by candlelight just before some CMA-winning artist serenades you with a song you pretend to know?

And agreed on Shawn. She was so into him from moment one. On a show like this, you have to trust those gut instincts. You will only get five minutes a week with your future fiancé anyway, so I feel like intuition is most valuable here.

SA: AH! SHIT! THE HEALER GOT A ROSE. HE'S SO CREEPY!

JA: Yeah. Kaitlyn's clearly demonstrating an urge to live on the edge. The edge of murder.

SA: Is Brady gonna tell her he's leaving? Or, is he gonna be like, "sorry I didn't care about talking to you before, but now that you have all the power I wanna suck up real quick? Because I dunno if you know this, but I'm a Christian musician and I need some sweet publicity for those tunes."

Guys, I'm sorry. I wrote the above before we knew that Brady was a class act who needed to follow his heart. If he and Britt get married, I'll watch their wedding special. In fact, I have already googled their names to see if they are still together and I was pissed ABC didn't show us Britt opening the door to her hotel room. Britt and Brady forever.

I don't really understand Kaitlyn's resistance to guys leaving on their own. If I were her, I think I might be like, "Yo! If you're pissed it's me, the door is over there!" But then again, rat face (Jared) appears to make it quite far this season. And he admitted to voting for Britt, so I guess feelings can change. Also, do you think it's rat face she had sex with before the Chris Harrison-sanctioned sexing in the fantasy suite?

JA: I would be exactly the same way, Fia. I was half expecting K-Dogg to give a speech right up top that was like, "Look. I know not all of you voted for me, and that's totally cool. No hard feelings. But if you really feel like Glitterface is the only woman for you, you should probably peace out now." She has enough charm to pull off a speech like that without seeming too harsh.

I'm taking bets on the man she sexed up on the top floor of that strange 18th-century-looking house. Too soon to say, but I'm almost positive it's not Shawn or someone she seems to have real feelings with from jump. This felt much more like an Arie situation, AKA the kind of situation Emily was smart enough to avoid. I'm sorry. If I were Emily Maynard, I would for sure have boned Arie, even though I had a daughter and a reputation to uphold. There's not a question in my mind. Otherwise the regret would haunt me to the end of my days.

SA: Emily did have sex with Arie. Courtney talks about it in her tell-all.

JA: Okay, now I know what my summer book is.

Jared does say in the promo that he's falling in love with Kaitlyn. And he did in fact heroically admit to voting for Britt, which is really the only logical move you can make once Britt goes home. Kaitlyn's a big girl, you guys. She can handle the truth. UNLIKE Jonathan, who took a rose knowing full well he wanted a Magenta Stepmom for his adorable son.

SA: WHOA. Kaitlyn is using real last names for the Cory's and not just initials. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON THIS SEASON?!?

JA: It's Canada. They're just nicer up there. Although... didn't she send home Amateur Sex Coach, despite the fact that he's her fellow countryman?

SA: And then Kaitlyn proved that she is not a shallow person by giving the guy with the massive, disgusting pimple a rose. (I know pimples go away, and that it was just unfortunate timing for that poor dude, but man, it was distracting.)

And she also finally gave Ian a rose--way to make a guy sweat it out! I fear we won't have Ian for long. And I also see how, in person, he probably wasn't as charming as his edit made it seem. He did grab her first, twice, which was perhaps a bit much. So, while I'm not getting attached, I'm still glad he made it through this time.

JA: I am glad about that too, Fia. Quite glad indeed. But you know what I'm not glad about? Seeing David leave so soon. That dude could GET IT. He was quite possibly the hottest Orlando real estate agent of all time (low bar, I know). I don't think we heard him speak once, but I was with it. I kept getting confused during the Rose Ceremony because he was wearing a RED POCKET SQUARE. Mind games, David. Mind games.

Also, is it just me, or is JJ, the 32-year-old former investment banker with the 3-year-old daughter, just bizarre in every way? I've never had a two-minute conversation with someone that made me go from "eh" to "I'm INTO you." But if I did, it wouldn't be with him.

And even though I root for everyone named Josh on general principle, law student/exotic dancer Josh just never really impressed me. That was too much Magic Mike for Night One. And his eyes are frighteningly close together. (I know, I know, that's superficial, but I have to be equal opportunity when it comes to these things.)

SA: It's so bright outside. These people are so tired. Who wants to drink champagne at 7 am? They should have croissants for these people.

And this season we get Amy Schumer, NYC, my former love Nick Viall (holla), and a sex scandal! A real, honest-to-god, talked-about sex scandal (no swimming the ocean metaphor for you Ms. Bristowe!) Kaitlyn, darling, it seems that you do not disappoint!

JA: Imagine how tired those PAs are.

The Nick V. twist actually made me sit up on my coach and squeal. Who even KNOWS where that's gonna go? Could you imagine if HE were the one to bone Kaitlyn? Maybe Nick has some sort of sorcery that happens behind closed doors that renders Bachelorettes powerless. We know it worked on Andi...

SA: CAN NOT WAIT!

chris // finale

Do we think that barn always had stained glass? (ABC)

JA: Regrettably, Fia is in London this week (the kind of circumstance that would fill just about anyone with regret), so I'm flying solo here. We could have been live blogging this episode together from the audience at After the Final Rose, but whatever, Fia, I guess London's more important. #priorities

So, after thirteen years and nineteen seasons of programming, after over two hundred episodes beautifully shot in exotic destinations like New Zealand, Vietnam, and Agoura Hills, the finale of this international phenomenon took place in a barn. In a barn in Iowa. Kudos to ABC for trying their best to make the frozen tundra of Arlington seem picturesque.

Chris has a big decision, the most important decision of his life, and to help him make it, he's bringing each girl to meet his family and guzzle as much Chardonnay as she can out of dollar-store wine flutes. I worry about all the wine drinking in the middle of the day, but then again, what else is Chris's wife going to be doing in that sparsely decorated farmhouse?

Whitney is first up to have lunch with Chris's family, and she can't stop crying all over the chintz. Whitney is ALL IN, ladies and gentlemen. She's happy to pull up stakes and leave Chicago, because apparently, you can be a nurse anywhere. Yeah. Except Arlington. Arlington doesn't even have a Rite-Aid, so there's no shot in hell at a fertility clinic. Maybe Whitney's baby-making skills can translate to animal husbandry?

Who am I kidding? Whitney's going to be an alcoholic very shortly. Did anyone else get the sense that Little Orphan Whitney was just looking for a family to replace the one she lost? I cringed when she told Chris's mom that she has been trying for years to find someone she can call "Mom." That's really not a reason to marry someone.

Money. Money is a reason to marry someone.

After Whitney leaves, Chris sits down with his Supercuts Sisters and they're like, "Do we even need to see the other one? We like this one. Propose to this one." And Chris once again serves up a heaping bowl of word salad, most of it about this mysterious "charming side" of Becca. Look. I like Becca. Not nearly as much as Fia does, but I mean, she aight. The last word I would ever use to describe her, though, is "charming." Becca is about as charming as the rooster that wakes me up every morning from the house three doors down. (Yeah, I've gotta get the hell out of Echo Park.)

Then, because he didn't like the advice Supercuts gave, Chris goes to some sort of garage/tool shed/manly man place with his dad and his brothers-in-law so they can have manly man beer talk. Enough Chardonnay -- bust out the Natty Light! However, they pretty much tell him the same thing. Kudos to bro-in-law Jason, who pointed out that Chris might be more into Becca just because she's impenetrable, in every sense of the word.

So then it's time for Becca to visit the Soules family, and she can't even get her coat off before she's throwing epic shade at Arlington. "So what would we do on Saturdays, go to the post office?" Yeah, Becca ain't about this life. At all.

I'm ambivalent about Becca. On one hand, she reminds me of Catherine (from Sean's season), whose fear and doubt actually confirmed that she was taking this whole thing seriously and not drinking the ABC Kool-Aid. Becca is saying incredibly reasonable things about not being sure whether she wants to become the pitchfork lady from the "American Gothic" painting, and Chris doesn't seem to understand any of it.

Then again, has Becca seen this show before? This is how it works, toots. Chris gets down on one knee and ices you out with a whole lot of Neil Lane bling, and you say yes, against your better judgment. Because it's not about you, Becks. It's about the fairy tale. You know who understood the importance of the story? Kelsey. Kelsey understood.

I also found it telling that Chris brought Whitney out to his farm for their final "date" but just chilled with Becca in her Al Capone suite in Dubuque. That was confirmation that Whitney was going to win. Whitney has no doubts. Whitney wants to have his babies and call Chris's mother "Mom." Whitney OPENED HER WEDDING WINE WEEKS AGO, for Pete's sake. So ultimately, in a barn where Chris "raised his first pig" (whatever the hell that means), he decides to hop aboard the Whitney Express before both trains leave the station without him. Becca gets rejected in several yards of crushed velvet, which is a much greater tragedy than her going home alone. And Whitney becomes the happy future Mrs. Soules, thereby ending the most low-budget season in the history of this show.

After the Final Rose was a snooze-fest, except for the announcement that there are going to be two Bachelorettes this season, Britt and Kaitlyn. I wish I could have been backstage to see the look on Britt's face when she heard the audience give less than zero shits about her. Chris Harrison said her name and there were golf claps and more than a few boos. Kaitlyn is clearly the only one anybody cares about. I don't know what Britt is going to bring to this season, except yards and yards of hair and mascara. Either ABC stumbled upon a genius way to reinvent their formula, or this is the worst mistake they've ever made. We'll see this summer!!

chris // week nine // fantasy suites

Watch out, Kaitlyn. That monkey is going after your man's banana.

JA: I can’t decide on this week’s drinking game word. Intimacy? Chemistry? My favorite thing about this episode is watching Chris struggle to come up with fresh euphemisms for boning.

“I just want to make sure the intimacy is there.”

“I just hope she takes the opportunity tonight to open up and put herself out there.”

“Tonight is what we need to take things to the next level.”

First off, Chris puts on one of seven hundred linen shirts (seriously, Tommy Bahama just went out of business) and meets up with Kaitlyn to tour a Balinese village, and Chris is attacked by monkeys. Kaitlyn is inspired by the monkeys’ devil-may-care attitude and learns a lesson from them about taking chances and letting her guard down.

I think Kaitlyn was initially using this season as her audition for Bachelor in Paradise, and she’s surprised that she has something approximating feelings for Farmer Chris. At dinner, Kaitlyn says genuinely inspirational daily-calendar things like “I’m my best self when I’m vulnerable” while Chris continues to work on his I’m-listening/I’m-constipated face. There’s no way she makes it to the finale.

SA: I truly cannot believe that Kaitlyn is still here. She and Chris have no (take a sip) CHEMISTRY! We already know she goes home, so I won't belabor the point but, the girl opened her eyes during one of their dinner kisses. I am flabbergasted she made it to Bali. Compared to the intense, 'we might be about to get married' conversations Chris and Whitney have later in the episode, this "you need to open up" talk with Kaitlyn feels oh so week three. Also, also, if we are playing a game of "which one of these girls does not belong in Arlington"-- it's clearly Kaitlyn. Yet, Chris seems to have zero concerns re: this urban dance instructor's willingness to move there. Does Chris really think Kaitlyn and her magenta lipstick would move to corn country, or does he know he's sending her home, so doesn't care? Did Kaitlyn make it to fantasy suites just so Chris could get some sweet Canadian hipster lovin'? I don't think it's that simple. If Chris was into keeping someone around just for the sex of it, he would not have said goodbye to "hug enthusiast" Britt or playmate Jade. And so, I really cannot understand how we ended up on this monkey date with Kaitlyn.

There’s booze in every single room of that Fantasy Suite.

Of course there is as Kaitlyn is lying to herself re: her attraction to Chris and needs a champers buzz to get into the bath tub full of roses with him. At first I thought she was just auditioning for the Bachelorette and was actively lying to us all about liking Chris. Now, I think it's more of a passive lie. Based on the hints both Kaitlyn and her mom have given us about her last relationship, I have a feeling it was pretty toxic. Kaitlyn seems like someone who is probably often attraction to the wrong men and has most likely dated a sociopath or two (#beenthere). It's possible that re: Chris, Kaitlyn was attempting to train herself into liking the nice guy for once. I'm sure she enjoys Chris's company and wishes he were the guy for her. But, choosing a partner is not just about picking any nice guy. It's about picking the nice guy you are just as attracted to as you are the sociopath. For Kaitlyn, I don't think that was ever going to be Chris. He could always sense that she wasn't really that into him, and thus he never felt fully comfortable around her. Chris lets himself be a cheesy, confidant goofball (meant as a compliment) with Becca and Whitney and that's why they are our top two gals.

Then we have date number 2 with Whitney, who is rocking some small-town jorts. There’s a great boat tour with bubbly, but Whitney starts talking and she never stops talking. Did you see the look on Chris’s face while Whitney blathered on and on? By this point in his date with Kaitlyn, he was already making out with her while monkeys peed on them.

Then Chris and Whitney go to dinner, and it’s terrifying, because Chris straight up asks Whitney to abandon her career. She gives a very articulate beauty-pageant response about how women need to not be bored out of their minds in small towns, but never mind any of that, because babies. Babies babies babies. I suppose after making babies for so many other people, Whitney’s just ready to make some of her own. Sorry, Fia. Looks like she’s not into that hour-long commute after all.

#feminismfail #leanout #maybewhenthekidsareinschool?

Finally, we have Becca, who is very anxious to reveal her virginity to Chris. She and Chris go see Bali’s version of a psychic, who tells Becca she’s “hard to control” and needs to maybe have sex with Chris to fix that. Their dinner discussion is full of much fraught conversation about Iowa, the thing Chris will never shut up about. The writing was on the wall for Kaitlyn as soon as they went through their entire date without Chris even bringing up Arlington, or corn, or tractors.

The one thing I don’t always love about Fantasy Suites is that the dates are over so fast and then you have to watch the Bachelor/ette taking sad, pensive walks down a beach and taking an entire hour of our lives to decide who to send home. The upside is that we get a bro chat from Chris Harrison. Remember Juan Pablo’s season, where Chris was all “forget that noise, I’m gonna leave all that to the producers because I can’t stand Juan Pablo”?

I found it EXTREMELY telling that we got solo walks of BECCA on the beach. I cannot remember a time when a contestant was told to walk pensively solo. When we saw that, I knew she wasn't going home. I also think Chris is old-fashioned enough that he kind of likes Becca's innocence. I do not mean that he likes virgins in the creepy way that Mackenzie was insinuating earlier in the season. There's a difference between Becca's virginity and Ashley I's virginity. Becca appears to be waiting for marriage whereas Ashley I seemed to be using her virginity as some kind of bargaining chip. Every woman should treat sex however she wants, but I think that Chris understands Becca's virginity and respects it, whereas he felt confused and manipulated by Ashley I's. For a man with 'small town values', I bet there is something comforting in the idea that he will be his future wife's one and only lover. Becca has been forced to talk about her virginity at length with producers. But, it makes sense that she wouldn't want to bring it up with Chris until the host of the show literally asks her to have sex with him.

The Rose Ceremony takes place in a temple where Chris, unforch, has to keep his wiener to himself. Chris Harrison reminding Farmer Chris to “please respect this holy place” was a highlight of the week. I will say, though, that these ladies are SLAYING in their temple ensembles.

Before handing out roses, Chris pulls Becca aside for a deep chat. He tells Becca he’s just here to find love. Here’s where I’m gonna stop you, Farmer Chris. You’re not just here to find love. You’re here to find someone willing to upend her entire life so that she can fit snugly into yours. You’ve made it abundantly clear that there’s not even going to be a discussion about it. And you should be insecure about Arlington -- it seems like an extremely difficult place for someone to lead a fulfilled life.

Whitney has made it abundantly clear that she is ALL IN re: Arlington. Becca has a more reasonably response: she's not taking it off the table, but it's going to take more than a rose to get her there. Yet Chris seems to want Becca. Becca is the one getting private time during the rose ceremony. Becca is the one for whom he makes concessions. Whitney was probably like, "no need to use a condom in the fantasy suite, my bags are packed and my uterus is ready for your baby", whereas Becca was all, "you're cool and I like you a lot but whoa, who said anything about marriage, I just met you." Whitney is everything Chris has been saying he wants, yet it's Becca who seems to have a hold on him. Des and Chris (and Molly and Jason, in a different way) are examples of how, often, in bachelor nation, choosing your runner-up might be the best thing you can do to make it to the altar. A friend of mine (who's closely tied to this show) agrees with me that had Andi chosen Nick, they would have had a better shot at longevity than she did with Josh. Do the producers need to step in here and force Chris to choose Whitney?

Kaitlyn hopes Becca is gonna get sent home, but it’s Kaitlyn who gets a teary goodbye, and it’s down to Whitney and Becca for all the marbles. But don’t worry, dear readers; this ain’t the last we’re gonna see of Kaitlyn. She just vaulted herself into front-runner status for Bachelorette 2015. This is gonna be a great edition of Women Tell All.

chris // week eight // hometowns

 

Not to worry, Britt... you'll have another chance at unlimited free Fireball this summer. #BachelorInParadise

JA: Not too many shockers for this Hometowns week. Britt and Carly were sent home from Iowa (with a layover in Minneapolis, no doubt), and Chris toured the country visiting four ladies' hometowns. Jade, wild mustang, revealed her Playboy past, and despite giving Chris plenty of material for his spank bank, had to settle for fourth place.

Click here for our full recap.

chris // week seven (+ Chris Harrison in the wild)

Real correspondence between Chris Harrison and I. Repeat, this is not a joke.

I must start this post by saying something major happened this week in the PDTB family. You guys,  I met Chris Harrison! I was sitting at the Soho House with my agent, Olivier, and he walked by me. I grabbed Olivier's arm, and whispered, "Oh my god, Chris Harrison is here." Olivier said, "Who?" "Chris Harrison!" I whispered, loudly, "The host of the Bachelor! Obviously!" Olivier nonchalantly responded, "Go say hi to him, I don't mind. I can respond to these emails." As if introducing oneself to Chris Harrison was as much of a non-event as checking one's email. This was Chris Fucking Harrison.

I don't know if you all know this yet, but for the next two posts, Josh and I are taking over recapping the Bachelor for the New York Observer. This news came in the day before the above CH sighting. Josh even referred to the observer gig as, "our big break". Thus, my confidence firmly in place now that I am a real, professional, recapping member of the bachelor family, I walked up to Chris Harrison and introduced myself: "Hi Chris. My name is Sofia and I had to say hello because I recap the Bachelor for the New York Observer." A half-truth, but not a lie. He smiled. Success! I followed up with, "I have to tell you, I am a screenwriter and I meet a lot of celebrities, but I have never been more star-struck than I am right now." Another smile! Hooray. I was firmly on my way to becoming best friends with Chris Harrison.

Chris excused himself to go pretend to be the boyfriend of the woman he was with, to make her ex jealous. 'Right', I thought re: the woman, like said-ex is really going to believe Chris Harrison, the most famous man in the world, is your boyfriend. I said nothing, walked back to Olivier and let them do their thing.

I was sated, though not the longest encounter, Chris had not pepper-sprayed me, called for security or even seemed annoyed that I wanted to talk to him. This was enough for me to lie to myself and pretend we were now friends. But then, then, through the Soho House happy-hour crowd, I see CH walking back over to us, sans female friend, red wine in hand, ready to hang!  He was seeking me out this time. Chris Harrison was looking for me.

I'm pretty sure I was too giggly, too eager and not laid back enough to cement our relationship. He promised to have Josh and I as his guests to after the final rose, but he didn't give me his email. He told me to tweet at him, which I did, repeatedly. He tweeted me back, but didn't follow me. Clearly, he doesn't want to DM just yet. I think we left off here: Chris thinks of me as a little bit more than just a fan, but not quite a peer. He did tell me I could ask him one question that he would answer for all of you, my readers. This is where I really fucked up. I now know how intimidating it is when Chris Harrison asks you a question, I take back half the snarky things I've ever said about the contestants. He even pulled a lamp off a table to shine in my face!

My mind went blank. I could've asked anything -

- What cocktail of meds and booze was Ashley S. taking before tapings?
- Was the editing team intentionally cutting around Kelsey to make her look the most sane at the beginning of the season before the late reveal of true insanity?
- What was going on with Andi and Josh at the premiere and when did you know things were off between them?
- Please elaborate on just how much you hated Juan Pablo and why you were nowhere to be found his entire season?
- Does Sean Lowe actually have a penis or is there just a ken doll mound there?
- Has Catherine been replaced by a Stepford-wife robot?

Instead, I asked the weakest question known to man, "Do you honestly think Chris and the girl he chooses will make it?" The most obvious and least interesting question one could ask. In my defense, we had just been discussing the fact that Chris seems like a horny high-schooler in this situation: he is attracted to everyone, and has no clear favorite. CH agreed with me, even referring to Farmer Chris as, "a kid in a candy store". My question came out of the following train of thought: if one has never really dated before, then dates twenty-nine hotties at once, is it even possible to settle down after? Wouldn't said farmer want to keep making up for lost time, especially now that he's a celebrity?

It was still a bad question, but there's your context. And yes, Chris Harrison is confidant they will make it.

So now, if you are reading this, Chris Harrison, here's my real question for you: When will we share another glass of wine at the Soho House (or any house)?

I think we have real world friend potential. I promise to keep our conversations off the record. Can we make the leap together? Can we share laughs and secrets? I'm ready to start on our journey of friendship, are you?? Will you accept a glass of rosé?

Readers, you'll know the above has been answered when you see Josh and I in the audience at After the Final Rose.

For this week's recap, please click here to be redirected to the NY Observer.