I want in!
Sofia Alvarez: Happy Memorial Day. Yesterday, Adam and I hosted a BBQ at our apartment. There were still plenty of people hanging out in our backyard at 9pm but that did not stop me, Nikki, Tess and Emilia from hoofing it into the living room to watch bach. Obvs. Some of these week's commentary is from these lovely ladies as I was taking notes while we watched together.
Nikki on Brady: all his t-shirts are so scoop neck!
Josh Allen: This Nikki person has her finger on the pulse of the people. I too clocked Brady's scoop neck (serving American Apparel realness, perhaps?) as he proceeded to romance Britt. Speaking of which, why are we watching any of this?
Total sidenote: why is there so much produce in the kitchen of the Bachelor house? What's going on? Is everyone on Paleo?
SA: This was the episode of powerful women. We get both Amy Schumer and Laila Ali! Nikki said that Amy Schumer should become the new host of the bachelorette, girl power style, and CH can stick with the dudes. I love that idea. The way she cut JJ down to size was one of the greatest things I've ever seen on television. She would be so funny and amazing and I wish that she was on every week. Also, I can't imagine Britt on a stand-up comedy date. This seems like something that was planned specifically for Kaitlyn - yet, it's only week one so it must have been planned before producers knew who would be crowned bachelorette? I'm confused.
JA: Yeah, even I was surprised at the level of heavy hitter (no pun intended) that the show lined up. Like, both Laila and Amy are real, actual famous people who don't already work for ABC and who therefore have no contractual obligation to be there. And I agree that Amy would be an amazing co-host but my only fear is that she would start to take over the show, simply because she has more personality in her ponytail than all these contestants put together.
SA: You're right - it would change the game. Because the point is that no one has any personality to speak of, making us think they all do. Bachelor contestants need to be graded on a curve. Also, last week, I was super into Britt and Brady's love story but now it's starting to feel very planned and forced. When he asked her to be his girl, I was pretty sure that happened like, 20 minutes after he showed up in her hotel room. What at first appeared to be a grand gesture of running out of the rose ceremony - now feels like obvious producer coaxing. Don't get me wrong, I still think these two are perfect for one another. I also wouldn't be surprised if the wedding special at the end of this season had nothing to do with Kaitlyn, I just wish the puppet strings were a little less visible.
JA: I could not care less about Brady and Britt. I don't want to be seeing them. I don't want any updates on them. I don't want to watch them walk the streets of Santa Monica and get ice cream cones. There's one Bachelorette and her name is Kaitlyn. I only have room in
SA: Rat face gets the shit beat out of him, a trip to the emergency room and then a kiss from K for all his trouble. I was so excited thinking the surprise guest at the party was Nick (!) and then wholly disappointed when it was only the slightly concussed rat face. Emilia brought up that rat face might be cuter in person that he appears on TV, which I suppose I can almost see and I'm willing to accept that he might grow on me, but, for now I'm still #notafan.
JA: I can't believe you call Jared "Rat Face." Way harsh, Tai. Though there is some truth to it and there's only so long I can look at him before I get a bit of the creeps. I was proud of Jared for holding his own against the enormity of Ben Z. Like, how was anyone else going to beat him at boxing? Then again, I don't know anything about boxing because I don't understand a sport where people just punch each other in the face repeatedly until one of them dies.
I was glad when he went in for a kiss, though. I'm like, Dear Jared, this is your chance. Take it. And we've already established that Kaitlyn will kiss just about anyone. I love the Kaitlyn of these early weeks, who is unashamed and sex-positive, before the ABC slut-shame machine goes into full gear. I'm really not looking forward to watching a grown-ass woman tearfully apologize and explain herself to a bunch of meatheads that she's casually dating.
SA: Um, hello Ben H. How did I not notice you last week?
SA: My next bachelor husband...
SA: Josh, I hate to break it to you and our readers, but what I thought was a pimple, is actually a permanent pink mole on Justin's face. And it's not going away until he does. And if you're not as shallow as me, and the mole is not enough of a turn-off, we also learned this week that his son's name is Aurelias? Justin's son's name is Aurelias! WTF. Get this guy outta here.
JA: Yeah, at first I was down with Justin, because he's from Illinois, and I support Chicagoans implicitly (even if they are from the suburbs), but I don't think there's anything going on there, other than his son's ridiculous name. I think the last person to name anyone Aurelius was Shakespeare.
SA: I think it's really unfair to make all these small fey men fight the hulk that is other Ben (not cute Ben H, the other one, whose eyes are too close together). And then of course, Other Ben gets the group date rose because it wouldn't be America if the guy who beat the shit out of all the other guys wasn't then rewarded for it. Is this like, the GOT fighting pits or what? And I know what you're thinking: he didn't just get the rose because he beat the shit out of rat face. He also got the rose because his mother fell down the stairs when he was fourteen and that fall led to the discovery of her spinal cancer. And yes, that is a very sad story. Okay, give Other Ben the rose. Give him all the roses, but then go make-out with Ben H.
JA: Nice Game of Thrones reference, Fia. Yeah, as I said before, boxing makes no sense, but let's go with it, because America. Ben Z is clearly a student of The Bachelorette. He knows that the road to a group date rose is often paved with personal trauma. But let's try to follow his lightning-fast trajectory. The train of thought went kind of like this:
I like cookies.
I actually like all food.
Food reminds me of my mom.
My mom died.
Ben Z is not messing around. He is making the most of his limited screen time. And he sure scored a rose. I think mainly Kaitlyn was afraid she'd get punched in the back of the head if she gave the rose to someone else.
SA: I know what we're all wondering: Is that a real Eva Fehren X ring Kaitlyn is sporting or a knock off? Don't worry. Eva and her partner Ann are friends of mine and so I plan to get to the bottom of it. I will report back ASAP.
JA: I have no idea what any of that means, because boy. But I'm excited for your report, Fia.
SA: Wait, who is that 50 year-old man?
SA: Everyone I am watching with is in love with Shawn and is very disappointed that he gets no air time this ep. I'm not worried, because she likes him so much, it's clear he's not going anywhere with or without screen time.
JA: I agree. Everyone loves Shawn. Shawn consistently wins the "right reasons" award.
SA: Is it just me, or does Clint seems like he's already been on this show? Like, isn't there a Clint every season.
These pictures are funny mainly because Kaitlyn can't hold her breath underwater, she always has the little bubbles. I think it's cute. I also think it's cute that she held her nose when she jumped in. Okay, you guys, I'm falling a little bit in love with Kaitlyn.
JA: I'm not even kidding, for a second I thought Clint was Dylan from Andi's season. Like, I saw him on screen and thought, okay, they're bringing back multiple guys from Andi's season? And then I realized that it wasn't Dylan. But don't they have a striking resemblance? I dare you to put them side by side and figure out which one is which.
SA: Okay, now we have an Entourage movie commercial. I know we don't usually talk about commercial, but I am worried about Turtle. He is clearly anorexic and someone needs to step in and do something.
JA: Agree. When he first started losing weight, I was very excited for him, because it seemed like something he was doing strictly to be healthier. But now it's possibly gone too far. He's gonna have to change his nickname to Tadpole.
SA: The healer brought his old bathrobe. He also claims publicly to despise fighting after the boxing date, and yet, he's the only man who showed up with a black eye. How many women do you think are naked and starving locked in Tony's basement while he competes on this show?
JA: Tony is for sure threatening women with the hose if they don't put the lotion in the basket. He couldn't even remember which girl won the popular vote to become the Bachelorette. Tony is gross and needs to go.
SA: Unfortunately now two men on this show have told Kaitlyn the interrupting cow joke. But unlike the last one (who was that?) Ian knows that he's got nothing with this. He knows he's not funny and he's not trying to pretend otherwise--he's just trying to get through it. Still, I thought he seemed pretty comfortable up there given the situation. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I buy her being into him. She definitely would have kissed him for longer than two seconds if she really liked him. She got down with that sociopath JJ for like, a full minute. But I also understand why she's not crazy bout Ian. He clearly really likes her and on a show like the bachelorette, being too in, too soon, is rarely a turn-on. I still think he's a nice, cute, sincere guy and I hope he finds love soon - maybe in paradise?
JA: I totally see Ian in paradise.
SS: Okay, we all know JJ is a turd because Amy Schumer told us so, and we all trust Amy. But now he proves his turdiness by pulling K aside without giving her time to talk to the roseless men.
JA: JJ reminds me of some of the guys I used to teach GMAT prep to in New York (yes, I did that for a lot of years). Except those guys are still investment bankers. How many people do we think JJ has infected with HPV?
SA: Oh, god, Josh. I hate to think of it!! Also, Koopah gets wasted and tries to throw shade at Kaitlyn for not talking to him on the boxing date, even though he was clearly more into talking to Laila Ali. Then he trashes K loudly behind her back. She calls him on it and asks him to leave. He then tries to defend himself and save face by...calling her hot? WTF, Koopah. You gotta go. I was proud of Kaitlyn for standing up for herself here and I really don't know why we need a to be continued. Obviously Koopah will leave along with two other men who will be indistinguishable from one another and soon forgotten.
JA: This precedent that's now been set of extending rose ceremonies over multiple episodes has got to stop. There's actually no real suspense in it at all. It's just annoying. Send people home and be done with it.
As for Kupah, he's an idiot. Usually, I am always pulling for the African-American contestants to stay as long as possible (I'm looking at you, Marquel), but this season, I'm a little like, send them ALL home (even Ian?!?). Especially Jonathan, who doesn't waste a chance to remind us that he really wishes Britt were here instead of Kaitlyn. I'm over him too.
Josh, Why did you not correct my spelling of Kupah (I clearly thought he was a Mario character) and why did you have to remind me that we could have had a season of MARQUEL as BACHELOR (!) instead of stupid, horrible Chris? Ugh. Life's not fair.