Shh... don't tell anyone... but I'm about to send this girl PACKING.Josh Allen: Welcome, everyone, to a new season of The Bachelorette! It's my fourth season snarking along with the inimitable Sofia Alvarez. We love nothing more than to sit back and watch as a plucky, intrepid young woman exchanges saliva (and, if Kaitlyn is any indication, plenty of other body fluids) with the bro-ey-est bros who ever bro-ed. And speaking of the word "pluck," some of these bros doth protest too much about being into the ladies. Eyebrows don't lie. (I'm still looking at you, Drew from Des's season.)
Sofia Alvarez: I have a lot of notes about Monday night, but now that we know Kaitlyn is the one, do any of us still really care? Josh, I'll let you decide if we get into the nitty gritty of BRITT v KAITLYN or if we can just move on from here--
JA: I won't spend a lot of time on it, but I'd be remiss if I didn't acknowledge the insanity and awfulness of this season's opening premise. ABC has managed to exceed our craziest expectations by figuring out how to make even The Bachelorette a show where women compete with each other. Stay classy, ABC. And the men face a difficult decision between Kaitlyn, the obvious choice, and Britt, She of the Magenta Lipstick and Unwashed Body. Even the obligatory "dude who gets too drunk and then yells about raping everyone" moment felt forced and stupid. These first two hours were a massive misstep on ABC's part, and so unnecessary. They could have found 25 guys who were into Kaitlyn from jump street and just gotten on with it. This sets a dangerous precedent.
SA: Chris Harrison, harshest man alive, makes it seem as if Britt is the bachelorette before sending her home in tears. She doesn't even get to say goodbye to everyone. Instead, they throw her out like a stack of yesterday's papers. You can almost hear the PAs hissing, "into the limo with you, reject! No one wants to marry you!" When actually the truth is that nearly half the dudes here do want to marry you, but now they have to date that other girl.
Britt says she has a lot of love to give and I don't doubt it. But more on that later.
Kaitlyn is pretty cute when she's not performing. When Chris told her that she is the bachelorette now and she couldn't quite believe it yet, that was the most I've ever liked her.
"Oh, I still have to do that?" Is Kaitlyn's reasonable response to being told there will still be a rose ceremony tonight, even though tonight is now tomorrow morning.
JA: In the moment of Britt's loss, I came the closest to feeling bad for Britt that I've ever come. Which is still light-years away, but I got closer. I can't hide my utter glee at this outcome. An entire season of Britt, with all that hair and all those tears, would have just been too much for me.
SA: Though she was never my favorite, I do see the appeal of Britt as Bachelorette. It's almost feels like they cast her to play the role before Chris's season even started. When the tide started to turn against her last season and last night, she and the producers looked on together sadly as that dream slowly burned to the ground. One of the problems I had with both of these girls as bachelorette candidates, is that they both swing far into the "I want to be famous" camp, as opposed to the "I want to find love" one. I have never been as pro-Kaitlyn as many of my peers (and as Josh). Her jokes often irk me, and I was concerned about her ability to, oh god, I'm actually going to say it--"open up". But, based on night one, and scenes from this season, it appears that Kaitlyn tears her walls down in a way she never did with Chris and I'm excited to see it. I still feel for Britt though, and if I wasn't gunning for things to work out between her and Brady, I'd want to see her in paradise.
Based on their conversations pre-vote, I like Shawn and Ian for Kaitlyn and they are the two who appear most excited during her reveal. Brady looks pissed and the creepy healer coos 'well-deserved' into her ear, which is pretty twisted since he was so team-Britt. I am also wondering if this guy speaks another language where healer actually means rapist. I would not want to be alone in a room with this man, and I definitely wouldn't put my drink down in front of him.
JA: Tony the Healer is one of the creepiest people I've ever seen on television (and I watched almost all of the pilot of Penny Dreadful). To say nothing of the irony that the person who's a "healer" is walking around with what looks like a giant bruise on his face. If he mentions Britt's "energy" one more time, I'm mailing rape whistles to Kaitlyn and the entire production staff.
SA: Wait, so now Kaitlyn has to have conversations with these guys all over again? Didn't we already do this part? This cocktail party is never ending! I think they should've gone right into the rose ceremony after the vote so that the guys who didn't want Kaitlyn wouldn't have time to front.
Now that she's more comfortable, we are seeing the flirtatious side of Kaitlyn. Especially in her conversations with JJ and Chris. She knows how to flirt, which I feel is pretty rare in a bachelorette. Certainly Desiree did not know how to flirt and Andi was more about flirting by way of arguing.
JA: I think Kaitlyn can strike the perfect balance between goofy and flirty. Des was far too goofy and you're right, Fia -- Andi flirted like the gang prosecutor that she is. She flirted like she was smelling a fart. Way too intense and pucker-mouthed for an 8pm show on a broadcast network. Kaitlyn's pucker mouth is actually flirtatious, in a 9th-grade sort of way.
SA: Way to go, cupcake! Snagging the first kiss.
JA: I know! That kiss was so sweet. As is the sweet, sweet love that Kaitlyn will be making with potentially more than one gentleman. But more on that later.
SA: I think we all knew last night that Shawn was gonna get the first impression rose. These two are cute and way to go Kaitlyn, two kisses on the first night.
Now, I am worried Ian is not going to get a rose - which, yes, I know is how ABC wants me to feel. But he seems so nice! Even if Kaitlyn's not gonna keep him around forever, I think how upfront he was from the get that she was his gal is enough to earn him a night one rose.
JA: I was also worried for Ian. Especially after he did all those sad reality-show looks off into the Venice Beach sunset. And after we heard the story of his car accident and the doctors telling him he'd never run again. I'm like, come on, Kaitlyn. You've gotta keep him around long enough for him to tell you that story. Perhaps while you pick at gelatinous slabs of fish by candlelight just before some CMA-winning artist serenades you with a song you pretend to know?
And agreed on Shawn. She was so into him from moment one. On a show like this, you have to trust those gut instincts. You will only get five minutes a week with your future fiancé anyway, so I feel like intuition is most valuable here.
SA: AH! SHIT! THE HEALER GOT A ROSE. HE'S SO CREEPY!
JA: Yeah. Kaitlyn's clearly demonstrating an urge to live on the edge. The edge of murder.
SA: Is Brady gonna tell her he's leaving? Or, is he gonna be like, "sorry I didn't care about talking to you before, but now that you have all the power I wanna suck up real quick? Because I dunno if you know this, but I'm a Christian musician and I need some sweet publicity for those tunes."
Guys, I'm sorry. I wrote the above before we knew that Brady was a class act who needed to follow his heart. If he and Britt get married, I'll watch their wedding special. In fact, I have already googled their names to see if they are still together and I was pissed ABC didn't show us Britt opening the door to her hotel room. Britt and Brady forever.
I don't really understand Kaitlyn's resistance to guys leaving on their own. If I were her, I think I might be like, "Yo! If you're pissed it's me, the door is over there!" But then again, rat face (Jared) appears to make it quite far this season. And he admitted to voting for Britt, so I guess feelings can change. Also, do you think it's rat face she had sex with before the Chris Harrison-sanctioned sexing in the fantasy suite?
JA: I would be exactly the same way, Fia. I was half expecting K-Dogg to give a speech right up top that was like, "Look. I know not all of you voted for me, and that's totally cool. No hard feelings. But if you really feel like Glitterface is the only woman for you, you should probably peace out now." She has enough charm to pull off a speech like that without seeming too harsh.
I'm taking bets on the man she sexed up on the top floor of that strange 18th-century-looking house. Too soon to say, but I'm almost positive it's not Shawn or someone she seems to have real feelings with from jump. This felt much more like an Arie situation, AKA the kind of situation Emily was smart enough to avoid. I'm sorry. If I were Emily Maynard, I would for sure have boned Arie, even though I had a daughter and a reputation to uphold. There's not a question in my mind. Otherwise the regret would haunt me to the end of my days.
SA: Emily did have sex with Arie. Courtney talks about it in her tell-all.
JA: Okay, now I know what my summer book is.
Jared does say in the promo that he's falling in love with Kaitlyn. And he did in fact heroically admit to voting for Britt, which is really the only logical move you can make once Britt goes home. Kaitlyn's a big girl, you guys. She can handle the truth. UNLIKE Jonathan, who took a rose knowing full well he wanted a Magenta Stepmom for his adorable son.
SA: WHOA. Kaitlyn is using real last names for the Cory's and not just initials. WHAT THE F IS GOING ON THIS SEASON?!?
JA: It's Canada. They're just nicer up there. Although... didn't she send home Amateur Sex Coach, despite the fact that he's her fellow countryman?
SA: And then Kaitlyn proved that she is not a shallow person by giving the guy with the massive, disgusting pimple a rose. (I know pimples go away, and that it was just unfortunate timing for that poor dude, but man, it was distracting.)
And she also finally gave Ian a rose--way to make a guy sweat it out! I fear we won't have Ian for long. And I also see how, in person, he probably wasn't as charming as his edit made it seem. He did grab her first, twice, which was perhaps a bit much. So, while I'm not getting attached, I'm still glad he made it through this time.
JA: I am glad about that too, Fia. Quite glad indeed. But you know what I'm not glad about? Seeing David leave so soon. That dude could GET IT. He was quite possibly the hottest Orlando real estate agent of all time (low bar, I know). I don't think we heard him speak once, but I was with it. I kept getting confused during the Rose Ceremony because he was wearing a RED POCKET SQUARE. Mind games, David. Mind games.
Also, is it just me, or is JJ, the 32-year-old former investment banker with the 3-year-old daughter, just bizarre in every way? I've never had a two-minute conversation with someone that made me go from "eh" to "I'm INTO you." But if I did, it wouldn't be with him.
And even though I root for everyone named Josh on general principle, law student/exotic dancer Josh just never really impressed me. That was too much Magic Mike for Night One. And his eyes are frighteningly close together. (I know, I know, that's superficial, but I have to be equal opportunity when it comes to these things.)
SA: It's so bright outside. These people are so tired. Who wants to drink champagne at 7 am? They should have croissants for these people.
And this season we get Amy Schumer, NYC, my former love Nick Viall (holla), and a sex scandal! A real, honest-to-god, talked-about sex scandal (no swimming the ocean metaphor for you Ms. Bristowe!) Kaitlyn, darling, it seems that you do not disappoint!
JA: Imagine how tired those PAs are.
The Nick V. twist actually made me sit up on my coach and squeal. Who even KNOWS where that's gonna go? Could you imagine if HE were the one to bone Kaitlyn? Maybe Nick has some sort of sorcery that happens behind closed doors that renders Bachelorettes powerless. We know it worked on Andi...
SA: CAN NOT WAIT!