Real correspondence between Chris Harrison and I. Repeat, this is not a joke.
I must start this post by saying something major happened this week in the PDTB family. You guys, I met Chris Harrison! I was sitting at the Soho House with my agent, Olivier, and he walked by me. I grabbed Olivier's arm, and whispered, "Oh my god, Chris Harrison is here." Olivier said, "Who?" "Chris Harrison!" I whispered, loudly, "The host of the Bachelor! Obviously!" Olivier nonchalantly responded, "Go say hi to him, I don't mind. I can respond to these emails." As if introducing oneself to Chris Harrison was as much of a non-event as checking one's email. This was Chris Fucking Harrison.
I don't know if you all know this yet, but for the next two posts, Josh and I are taking over recapping the Bachelor for the New York Observer. This news came in the day before the above CH sighting. Josh even referred to the observer gig as, "our big break". Thus, my confidence firmly in place now that I am a real, professional, recapping member of the bachelor family, I walked up to Chris Harrison and introduced myself: "Hi Chris. My name is Sofia and I had to say hello because I recap the Bachelor for the New York Observer." A half-truth, but not a lie. He smiled. Success! I followed up with, "I have to tell you, I am a screenwriter and I meet a lot of celebrities, but I have never been more star-struck than I am right now." Another smile! Hooray. I was firmly on my way to becoming best friends with Chris Harrison.
Chris excused himself to go pretend to be the boyfriend of the woman he was with, to make her ex jealous. 'Right', I thought re: the woman, like said-ex is really going to believe Chris Harrison, the most famous man in the world, is your boyfriend. I said nothing, walked back to Olivier and let them do their thing.
I was sated, though not the longest encounter, Chris had not pepper-sprayed me, called for security or even seemed annoyed that I wanted to talk to him. This was enough for me to lie to myself and pretend we were now friends. But then, then, through the Soho House happy-hour crowd, I see CH walking back over to us, sans female friend, red wine in hand, ready to hang! He was seeking me out this time. Chris Harrison was looking for me.
I'm pretty sure I was too giggly, too eager and not laid back enough to cement our relationship. He promised to have Josh and I as his guests to after the final rose, but he didn't give me his email. He told me to tweet at him, which I did, repeatedly. He tweeted me back, but didn't follow me. Clearly, he doesn't want to DM just yet. I think we left off here: Chris thinks of me as a little bit more than just a fan, but not quite a peer. He did tell me I could ask him one question that he would answer for all of you, my readers. This is where I really fucked up. I now know how intimidating it is when Chris Harrison asks you a question, I take back half the snarky things I've ever said about the contestants. He even pulled a lamp off a table to shine in my face!
My mind went blank. I could've asked anything -
- What cocktail of meds and booze was Ashley S. taking before tapings?
- Was the editing team intentionally cutting around Kelsey to make her look the most sane at the beginning of the season before the late reveal of true insanity?
- What was going on with Andi and Josh at the premiere and when did you know things were off between them?
- Please elaborate on just how much you hated Juan Pablo and why you were nowhere to be found his entire season?
- Does Sean Lowe actually have a penis or is there just a ken doll mound there?
- Has Catherine been replaced by a Stepford-wife robot?
Instead, I asked the weakest question known to man, "Do you honestly think Chris and the girl he chooses will make it?" The most obvious and least interesting question one could ask. In my defense, we had just been discussing the fact that Chris seems like a horny high-schooler in this situation: he is attracted to everyone, and has no clear favorite. CH agreed with me, even referring to Farmer Chris as, "a kid in a candy store". My question came out of the following train of thought: if one has never really dated before, then dates twenty-nine hotties at once, is it even possible to settle down after? Wouldn't said farmer want to keep making up for lost time, especially now that he's a celebrity?
It was still a bad question, but there's your context. And yes, Chris Harrison is confidant they will make it.
So now, if you are reading this, Chris Harrison, here's my real question for you: When will we share another glass of wine at the Soho House (or any house)?
I think we have real world friend potential. I promise to keep our conversations off the record. Can we make the leap together? Can we share laughs and secrets? I'm ready to start on our journey of friendship, are you?? Will you accept a glass of rosé?
Readers, you'll know the above has been answered when you see Josh and I in the audience at After the Final Rose.
For this week's recap, please click here to be redirected to the NY Observer.