chris // week nine // fantasy suites

Watch out, Kaitlyn. That monkey is going after your man's banana.

JA: I can’t decide on this week’s drinking game word. Intimacy? Chemistry? My favorite thing about this episode is watching Chris struggle to come up with fresh euphemisms for boning.

“I just want to make sure the intimacy is there.”

“I just hope she takes the opportunity tonight to open up and put herself out there.”

“Tonight is what we need to take things to the next level.”

First off, Chris puts on one of seven hundred linen shirts (seriously, Tommy Bahama just went out of business) and meets up with Kaitlyn to tour a Balinese village, and Chris is attacked by monkeys. Kaitlyn is inspired by the monkeys’ devil-may-care attitude and learns a lesson from them about taking chances and letting her guard down.

I think Kaitlyn was initially using this season as her audition for Bachelor in Paradise, and she’s surprised that she has something approximating feelings for Farmer Chris. At dinner, Kaitlyn says genuinely inspirational daily-calendar things like “I’m my best self when I’m vulnerable” while Chris continues to work on his I’m-listening/I’m-constipated face. There’s no way she makes it to the finale.

SA: I truly cannot believe that Kaitlyn is still here. She and Chris have no (take a sip) CHEMISTRY! We already know she goes home, so I won't belabor the point but, the girl opened her eyes during one of their dinner kisses. I am flabbergasted she made it to Bali. Compared to the intense, 'we might be about to get married' conversations Chris and Whitney have later in the episode, this "you need to open up" talk with Kaitlyn feels oh so week three. Also, also, if we are playing a game of "which one of these girls does not belong in Arlington"-- it's clearly Kaitlyn. Yet, Chris seems to have zero concerns re: this urban dance instructor's willingness to move there. Does Chris really think Kaitlyn and her magenta lipstick would move to corn country, or does he know he's sending her home, so doesn't care? Did Kaitlyn make it to fantasy suites just so Chris could get some sweet Canadian hipster lovin'? I don't think it's that simple. If Chris was into keeping someone around just for the sex of it, he would not have said goodbye to "hug enthusiast" Britt or playmate Jade. And so, I really cannot understand how we ended up on this monkey date with Kaitlyn.

There’s booze in every single room of that Fantasy Suite.

Of course there is as Kaitlyn is lying to herself re: her attraction to Chris and needs a champers buzz to get into the bath tub full of roses with him. At first I thought she was just auditioning for the Bachelorette and was actively lying to us all about liking Chris. Now, I think it's more of a passive lie. Based on the hints both Kaitlyn and her mom have given us about her last relationship, I have a feeling it was pretty toxic. Kaitlyn seems like someone who is probably often attraction to the wrong men and has most likely dated a sociopath or two (#beenthere). It's possible that re: Chris, Kaitlyn was attempting to train herself into liking the nice guy for once. I'm sure she enjoys Chris's company and wishes he were the guy for her. But, choosing a partner is not just about picking any nice guy. It's about picking the nice guy you are just as attracted to as you are the sociopath. For Kaitlyn, I don't think that was ever going to be Chris. He could always sense that she wasn't really that into him, and thus he never felt fully comfortable around her. Chris lets himself be a cheesy, confidant goofball (meant as a compliment) with Becca and Whitney and that's why they are our top two gals.

Then we have date number 2 with Whitney, who is rocking some small-town jorts. There’s a great boat tour with bubbly, but Whitney starts talking and she never stops talking. Did you see the look on Chris’s face while Whitney blathered on and on? By this point in his date with Kaitlyn, he was already making out with her while monkeys peed on them.

Then Chris and Whitney go to dinner, and it’s terrifying, because Chris straight up asks Whitney to abandon her career. She gives a very articulate beauty-pageant response about how women need to not be bored out of their minds in small towns, but never mind any of that, because babies. Babies babies babies. I suppose after making babies for so many other people, Whitney’s just ready to make some of her own. Sorry, Fia. Looks like she’s not into that hour-long commute after all.

#feminismfail #leanout #maybewhenthekidsareinschool?

Finally, we have Becca, who is very anxious to reveal her virginity to Chris. She and Chris go see Bali’s version of a psychic, who tells Becca she’s “hard to control” and needs to maybe have sex with Chris to fix that. Their dinner discussion is full of much fraught conversation about Iowa, the thing Chris will never shut up about. The writing was on the wall for Kaitlyn as soon as they went through their entire date without Chris even bringing up Arlington, or corn, or tractors.

The one thing I don’t always love about Fantasy Suites is that the dates are over so fast and then you have to watch the Bachelor/ette taking sad, pensive walks down a beach and taking an entire hour of our lives to decide who to send home. The upside is that we get a bro chat from Chris Harrison. Remember Juan Pablo’s season, where Chris was all “forget that noise, I’m gonna leave all that to the producers because I can’t stand Juan Pablo”?

I found it EXTREMELY telling that we got solo walks of BECCA on the beach. I cannot remember a time when a contestant was told to walk pensively solo. When we saw that, I knew she wasn't going home. I also think Chris is old-fashioned enough that he kind of likes Becca's innocence. I do not mean that he likes virgins in the creepy way that Mackenzie was insinuating earlier in the season. There's a difference between Becca's virginity and Ashley I's virginity. Becca appears to be waiting for marriage whereas Ashley I seemed to be using her virginity as some kind of bargaining chip. Every woman should treat sex however she wants, but I think that Chris understands Becca's virginity and respects it, whereas he felt confused and manipulated by Ashley I's. For a man with 'small town values', I bet there is something comforting in the idea that he will be his future wife's one and only lover. Becca has been forced to talk about her virginity at length with producers. But, it makes sense that she wouldn't want to bring it up with Chris until the host of the show literally asks her to have sex with him.

The Rose Ceremony takes place in a temple where Chris, unforch, has to keep his wiener to himself. Chris Harrison reminding Farmer Chris to “please respect this holy place” was a highlight of the week. I will say, though, that these ladies are SLAYING in their temple ensembles.

Before handing out roses, Chris pulls Becca aside for a deep chat. He tells Becca he’s just here to find love. Here’s where I’m gonna stop you, Farmer Chris. You’re not just here to find love. You’re here to find someone willing to upend her entire life so that she can fit snugly into yours. You’ve made it abundantly clear that there’s not even going to be a discussion about it. And you should be insecure about Arlington -- it seems like an extremely difficult place for someone to lead a fulfilled life.

Whitney has made it abundantly clear that she is ALL IN re: Arlington. Becca has a more reasonably response: she's not taking it off the table, but it's going to take more than a rose to get her there. Yet Chris seems to want Becca. Becca is the one getting private time during the rose ceremony. Becca is the one for whom he makes concessions. Whitney was probably like, "no need to use a condom in the fantasy suite, my bags are packed and my uterus is ready for your baby", whereas Becca was all, "you're cool and I like you a lot but whoa, who said anything about marriage, I just met you." Whitney is everything Chris has been saying he wants, yet it's Becca who seems to have a hold on him. Des and Chris (and Molly and Jason, in a different way) are examples of how, often, in bachelor nation, choosing your runner-up might be the best thing you can do to make it to the altar. A friend of mine (who's closely tied to this show) agrees with me that had Andi chosen Nick, they would have had a better shot at longevity than she did with Josh. Do the producers need to step in here and force Chris to choose Whitney?
Kaitlyn hopes Becca is gonna get sent home, but it’s Kaitlyn who gets a teary goodbye, and it’s down to Whitney and Becca for all the marbles. But don’t worry, dear readers; this ain’t the last we’re gonna see of Kaitlyn. She just vaulted herself into front-runner status for Bachelorette 2015. This is gonna be a great edition of Women Tell All.