chris // week five


JA: Wow.


After four episodes that were nothing short of a miracle cure for insomnia, The Bachelor hits us with an installment that lives up to the promise of what it can be at its greatest. In two short weeks, Kelsey transformed herself from random also-ran to certifiable sociopath, giving the show a much-needed jolt of crazy. But more on that in a moment.

We have to begin with this week's open letter, this time to Megan. Dear Megs: Hope you've been having a blast sequestered away from human civilization all this time. But, um. Santa Fe, New Mexico is not, nor has it ever been, a "beach resort town." And put your passport away, sugartits. You will not be needing it. xoxo

SA: Poor Megan. I felt this was an example of the producer's playing their favorite game, let's make the dumb girl look even dumber. The "I don't know if they wear those Mexican sombreros in New Mexico" line was clearly the answer to a question. I guess we can't feel too bad for her though, this is the same girl who voluntarily and repeatedly banged her head into the wall in Episode 2. And to think, that was the same week she got a one-on-one. Clearly smarts are not at the top of Prince Farming's priorities list.

Our first date with Carly is the most awkward, unhot, interminable tantric sex workshop I've ever seen. And I've seen a LOT of tantric sex workshops. This one happened to be led by a SAG-eligible actor (definitely a local hire) who said things like "take off your masks by removing your clothes" and "as she breathes out, breathe her in." But in the end, it made Chris and Carly "come together" (thank you, date card, for that bit of brilliance), and Carly was happy because Chris made her feel pretty, for once in her life. So I'm thrilled for Carly that she has finally found a man who will fix all her insecurities, but who's going to fix that faux fur vest and beaded Navajo choker she wore to "dinner"?

When bachelor contestants have emotional hang-ups like Carly's, I want to scream at them for coming on this show. If you know that you have an issue accepting love, if you don't feel beautiful, if you feel overlooked by your past partners, why, why WHY would you come on a television show where you are competing with twenty-nine other women for the attention of one man?! I guess it's a masochistic way to face your issues head on, or, maybe to get like a year's worth of therapy over in six weeks? But I dunno, it seems like Carly is asking for it. That said, she did grow on me this week. I didn't feel like she brought these issues up to manipulate Chris into keeping her around. The timing of the reveal seemed quite appropriate. (Nice job, producers! A sex workshop for the intimacy-phobe.)

Also, is it just me, or does Chris's "I'm listening" face kind of resemble a constipation face? Like, he's trying sooooo hard to show interest in the words coming out of these ladies' mouths. Soooo hard. Like maybe he practices his "I'm listening" face in the mirror every morning. Right after his outdoor shower.

Remember last week when Chris said that while Jillian was talking, he was zoning out and thinking about rainbows and unicorns? I'm pretty sure that's what he's doing every time any woman talks to him. Then he's like, "If I kiss her real quick, maybe she won't notice that I have no idea what she just said."

Meanwhile, back at the house, Kelsey suddenly realizes that with only 11 girls left (one of whom, Samantha, is apparently a deaf-mute), she's got to do something to stand out. So she takes a page from the playbook of Julia with an E and trots out her own story of widowhood. But it appears that she can't bother to remember her husband's actual cause of death. "Um, it's called... wait, what's it called? Heart something? Shit... uh... CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE!! That's it. Yeah. Congestive heart failure. Whew. That was a close one. I'd better rehearse that more before I say it to Chris."

Kelsey. OMG. Kelsey.

So then a bunch of women pile into rafts and oar themselves down a river, and Jade definitely almost dies. I'm actually worried for Jade to be on this show, because she seems to have some condition in which she can't ever be anywhere cold or she'll lose all the feeling in her entire body. That either makes Jade a lizard or a major bullshitter. Either way, it scored her a foot rub from Chris, so... well played.

I actually thought Jade seemed kind of embarrassed when she was on the receiving end of that foot rub. I think I even heard her say, "Okay, I'm fine. You can stop." Also, important to notice that the gals talking shit about it, were both of the manipulative mean girls (Kelsey and Ashley). I think it's safe to say that Jade is no Tierra. And yes, I am worried for her as well and think she should probably stay in LA and not go anywhere near Iowa winters.

Then, as the ladies have changed into their best desert ensembles, complete with huge metal necklaces that have turquoise boulders dangling from them (I'm looking at you, Kim Kardashleyan), we get a surprise visit from everyone's favorite Blast-in-a-Glass, Miss Jordan herself, looking fresh out of rehab. Apparently she drove all the way from Colorado (one state away) to ask Chris for a second chance, because YOLO, am I right? Then Chris is shocked when none of the other women are excited to see Jordan, and Jordan's all "kiss my ass, ladies, and pass the Fireball. I'm back, bitches." But then of course, everyone starts crying and Ashley and Whitney get into a fight because Whitney doesn't want to be "mean" and it all scrambles Chris's brain and he sends Jordan away.

Ashley is really showing her Cindy Lauper #truecolors this week. In fact, Ashley is always showing her #truecolors which appear to be #fuckingcrazy (though not as #psycho as Kelsey's). Whitney is looking like the frontrunner for this season's Renee Oteri, 'voice of reason' award, IE she very reasonably says, "I'm not happy Jordan is back, but that doesn't mean I am going to be mean to her." And #fuckingcrazy Ashley replies, "I don't know why anyone is being nice to her right now." Ashley, how old are you?? But what I was mainly thinking about during this debacle was how pretty Jordan is. Was she just too drunk for me to notice last time? She's beautiful and I loved her dressed down look. IMO she looked better than every other dolled-up girl in that circle and if I were the bachelor, I would have kept her around.

Chris sneaks into Britt's room before dawn to wake her up so they can go hot air ballooning. Carly is NOT happy, presumably because hot air ballooning is much better than her terrible Kama Sutra date. So we learn a lot about Britt this week, guys. First we learn that she doesn't shower ever. Second we learn that she is petrified of heights to the point that her body "shuts down." Until Chris shows up, and then it's all fine. Third we learn that Britt wants one hundred children. That's the number she came up with. One hundred. I doubt she meant that, but I do think that Chris was serious when he said he needed a lot of help on that farm and so he needed to have as many children as possible.

We also learned that Chris thinks glitter eye-shadow is naturally part of Britt's face.  The other contestants tell us that Britt sleeps in a full face of make-up specifically for moments like this. When Chris sneaks up on her cot, you can clearly see a FULL FACE OF MAKE-UP INCLUDING GLITTER EYE SHADOW AND MAGENTA LIPSTICK. Then, then in this ITM, Chris tells the camera that Britt looks just as good at four o'clock in the morning as she does when she is all dolled-up for a rose ceremony. I'm sorry, how is her bed look any different than being dolled-up? They seem exactly the same. Does Chris really think some women are born with glitter on their faces?!?

Britt goes back and tells all the other girls about the nap she took with Chris and Kelsey's like "Hell to the no, this shit just reached DEFCON 4. WHERE IS MY CORAL CARDIGAN?" Because, in her words, "there's a chance I could go home without him knowing that I'm a widow," she makes the brazen but not unprecedented move of just dropping by the hotel room for an impromptu one-on-one. But what is unprecedented, Bachelor Nation, is the crazy Amy Dunne shit that followed. So Kelsey got married at 19, to someone named Sanderson Poe, who, judging by that name, was either a Harry Potter character or a detective from a series of 1940s crime novels. She then sticks to most of the rehearsed details from earlier, leading all the way to Sandy's tragic death walking on the most beautiful day in Austin. Kelsey wants you to know that she's really good at stories, especially this one. She loves this story. It's tragic. But it's amazing. And now she's got a new story. Her love story with Chris. Monday nights at 8.

This was a level of #psychotic we have not yet seen on the bachelor. Which is a challenge in and of itself. Congrats to the editors for keeping this B under wraps until we got rid of Ashley S. I guess they wanted us to know we hadn't seen nuthin' yet.

So Sanderson Poe, by all accounts, did actually exist. Here is his obituary from the Tulsa World. Note that much of it is about Kelsey.

But because that's NOT ENOUGH CRAZY FOR HER, Kelsey decides that, because there's not going to be a cocktail party, she has to pull out all the stops and then just collapse in a hallway while some medic named Diane frantically yells for the "yellow bag" to save Kelsey's life. But no need, Diane. Kelsey has already, in the moment, correctly diagnosed her panic attack.

PS I put "Sanderson Poe" into an anagram generator and got the following results, even more proof that Kelsey is a genius:

Seasoned Porn
Senor and Peso
And Open Sores
and my personal favorite, which I actually discovered myself:


Can we please re-open this investigation?

Josh, you never cease to amaze me. I love you like Chris will never love Kelsey.

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