chris // week four

You're right, Carly... her mouth is definitely NOT a virgin.

SA: This week continued in the grand tradition of Chris making the girls do humiliating things in bikinis. Putting up a tent? For realz? They couldn't put their shorts back on for that task?  There's nothing like squatting in low-rise bikini bottoms when it's been a few weeks since your last wax. Although, that seems to be something none of these women had an issue with, there must be a secret Blakely in the house performing spa treatments. The fact that NOT ONE woman had pants on, even Kelsey, who vocalized her annoyance at almost every aspect of this date, made me think that producers specifically asked the women not to cover up. #gross (I noticed Chris was fully comfortable in a button-down oxford, btw).

JA: Did you notice Chris has put on some weight? We're not seeing any more outdoor showers, and when he takes off his shirt for various lake/pool parties, suddenly the editing speeds up. Yeah, this whole low-budget Blair Witch lake camping trip seems really skeevy for Week Four. Like, during Juan Pablo's season, weren't we already in South Korea by now? And next week we make it all the way to... New Mexico. My favorite part was how the girls all freaked out because they thought "natural" on the date card meant "no makeup."

SA: So...Chris wants everyone to know that this is 'his element'. He wants to make sure the girls are comfortable since real life isn't all "rooftop romance". He seems a tad on his high-horse after he threw such a hissy fit last week at Costco. Kelsey is not feeling this "swamp date" because they have "beautiful lakes in Michigan". Later in the date when the gals are saying how they are the luckiest girls in the world, Kelsey chimes in with a well-timed, sarcastic, "really?" This infuriates the other women, because for the show to work, it's essential contestants feel like they are in a fairy tale (more on that in later). But, in actuality, being on a 'group date' in a 'swamp', where one man takes turns making out with every woman there, does not a lucky lady make. Point, Kelsey. But, ya, K did seem hella fake when she talked to Chris so I'll give that one to the women. To be fair, though Kelsey's laugh was ridiculous, at least she wasn't lying about how much she disliked the date. Her one-on-one vibe was, 'I'm not having fun but I still want you to like me' as opposed to, 'I'm not having fun and I don't give a shit whether you like me or not.' The latter being a little too much to ask from any bachelor contestant.

JA: I would like to remind our readers that when Selma complained about having to run into an icy river in Canada or wherever the hell on Sean's season, that was the week she was sent packing. Rule number 1 of the show: if you wanna be about this Bachelor life, you need to stay enthusiastic about every activity, no matter how humiliating and terrible. (Those kebabs looked seriously undercooked, btw.) But this is what you signed up for, ladies. I think the most interesting development of this episode was that it set up Kelsey to be the season villain, which I never would have anticipated (and is also a testament to how weaksauce this season is... where is Courtney? Where is Tierra?)

SA: But the fake award this episode does not go to Kelsey, nor does it go to Ashley, who wore what appeared to be three layers of fake eyelashes camping. The fake award goes to....bachelor Chris. Here's why. In his ITM, where he described Ashley I. sneaking into his tent, he says (paraphrased) "I'm half asleep, what's happening, I don't know what's going on, blah blah blah". BUT, when Ashley opened the tent flap, you can hear Chris coo "come here" with the syrupy vocal invitation of a man who thinks he's about to get a BJ (or at very least an HJ). So that is why, Chris Soules, you win fakest girl at camp.

(And, Ashley I. if you want to let a bro know that you are 'more than just a 'hook-up girl',  it's probably not a good idea to sneak into his tent in the middle of the night to hook up with him. Even if you did spout some gibberish about being conservative first. Just, FYI.)

JA: Fia, you are speaking so much truth. You are leaving it all on the stage. I actually think Chris cooed "come here" before he even knew who it was. He heard a girl's voice and was like, "maybe I can get some Juan Pablo-Clare Vietnam action here in the woods." So yes, he's a fakey fakey McFakester. But Ashley, booboo, you gotta see what you're doing here, too. Any kind of rogue middle-of-the-night one-on-one sneak attack visit is going to be seen as an invitation to canoodle, at the very least. And your ridiculous hypersexualized Kardashian look is seriously at odds with the good girl image you want to project. Get it together. Your eyelashes turn the corner before you do.

SA: An open letter to Kaitlyn -

Dear Kaitlyn,

Cheers to you, for getting another rose. But, more importantly for being the only girl in bachelor history to tell us you were drunk, before we could guess it. You can hold your liquor, that is rare in these parts. Good on ya having a good time without embarrassing yourself, and for knowing how to play the game. (Bringing up that you always have fun, but that it was time for you and Chris to talk about something serious, clearly you've done your homework). I still see no future between you and Chris, but I don't think you care about that anyway. He thinks you are here for the right reasons, so as far as I can tell, you're audition for bachelorette 2015 is going swimmingly. Right now, you and Britt are my frontrunners for that pony-show. Maybe that's why she was trying to sabatoge you at the rose ceremony. Thoughts?
Love, Fia

JA: Yeah, Kaitlyn is playing this game really well. I agree that she has no real chemistry with Chris (although slightly more chemistry than Chris and Jillian -- WTF was that???) but she did manage to hold her liquor better than 95% of the women who have ever been on this show. But ohmysweetpotatoes, can we talk about Jillian. Yes, Miss Fitness, you easily won the physical challenge (Muck Run, Mud Race? Whatever), but when it came to actually being a person, you stayed in Bro Mode and turned your precious one-on-one time into a game of "Would You Rather" that involved discussing sex with a homeless woman. I can't with you, Jillian. And neither could Chris. Congrats on being the first girl to be denied a rose.

SA: Josh, you tackle the Cinderella situation because I can't.

JA: Oh, Disney. Your movie product placement just gets more and more blatant. Wait. Is Cinderella in theaters March 13? I only know that because it was yelled at me a hundred times (although I was less annoyed when it was Robb Stark yelling it). So Chris's three sisters take a much-needed Chekhov girls' trip to California to give six girls a job interview to see which one gets the fancy movie date. I think one of the sisters was actually checking a sheet of paper to keep track of who she was talking to. And every question was "How do you feel about living in Iowa?" Nothing about compatibility with their brother, whom they know has the personality and depth of a ham left out in the sun too long. Nothing about who the girls are as people. Just. Give us your thoughts on. Iowa. So somehow, despite Carly's tearful confession that guys have not been nice to her, Jade wins the date and it's really cute and Chris is an awful dancer and she should have worn the sparkly dress. That is all.

SA: Megan continues to prove she is a few sandwiches short of a picnic by admitting that she does not know all five of the senses. She then blindfolds Chris and asks him to guess what kind of chocolate covered fruit she is feeding him. This is her attempt at "getting serious" (clearly she has not done her homework). She labels this game, "The guess the senses game", the real version of which, she could have benefit from in elementary school.

JA: Yeah what was that? Just make out already. Also I kind of love Britt for using her one-on-one time to call Chris out on forcing them to do weird things in bikinis. If you're Britt, you have to be thinking, "I got the First Impression Rose and since then, I've only been drinking goat's milk and helping Ashley I. adjust her hair extensions."

Speaking of Ashley I., I have to say that she played this shit perfectly this week. To drop "I'm a virgin" on a guy right before a rose ceremony is kind of genius, because he obviously can't send you home after that or he looks like an asshole. So she lives to fly home in coach another day.

SA: After this week I think we are narrowing in on our top four. My guess is - Jade, Becca, Whitney, and either Kaitlyn or Britt. I know both Kaitlyn and Britt seem like front-runners but neither of them is going to move to Iowa and as we get closer even dum-dum Chris should be able to see that.

I still hate Chris but some of the ladies are starting to grow on me.

JA: Hmm... dark horse pick with Becca. I agree with Whitney for sure. I think Britt makes a great comeback starting next week. I guess, yeah, Jade...? I think based on the logic for eliminating Julia with an E, Kale's Mom's days are numbered. There could also be time for Megan to become a real person. But it appears next week is all about Kelsey and her medical emergency. It's not a season of the Bachelor until an ambulance is called.