chris // week six


(It sure is, Kels. And we're going to miss you. Can't wait for Women Tell All.)

SA: Week six of Juan Pablo's season, we were in New Zealand.

Week six of Andi's season, I believe we were somewhere between France and Germany.

Week six of Sean's season, I dunno where we were but I'm pretty sure there was at least a beach.

Week six of Chris's season...and it's like all these girls are on a road trip with their father. "Hey, girls, you like Amurca? You like histry? Let's get in the van and go see Mt. Rushmore!"

I know (hope) we will eventually get to the international travel portion of this season, but I sort of feel like Chris is the kind of guy who only vacations in the US. Not for lack of funds, as his family let us know during Andi's season, Chris is very successful. I just think Chris is the kind of guy who thinks the fifty states are enough. Don't get me wrong, I love the US of A. I've driven across the country twice and loved it both times. I went to badlands last summer and found them majestic. All I'm trying to say is--if I turned my life over to ABC for three months, endured humiliation after humiliation, all while going quietly (and vocally) insane (in the way ABC designed me to)...I would expect to, at least, get a coupla stamps in my passport for the effort.

JA: Yeah, I was blaming this on ABC, but I think they're begging Chris to go out of the country, and he's like, nope, I'm good. He actually may not even have a passport at all. When I think about where I can go to reconnect with myself and explore romantic connections with sorority girls, Deadwood immediately springs to mind. I hope these girls can find a general store in town that sells cucumber melon body spray or else the shit's gonna hit the fan.

And did you see the promo for next week? The exotic, romantic destination for the week is... Arlington, Iowa, the one-stoplight town Chris calls home. The only true litmus test for this season is whether or not a girl can stand to be a Sister Wife on Chris's farm. And the prospect of that apparently becomes so real that Britt has a total nervous breakdown.

Since we're doing rose ceremonies at the beginning of the ep now (WTF?) I guess I should mention that Samantha (who??) and Kale's mom went home. Kale's mom didn't even get a perfunctory, "I really like you, but don't want to keep you from Kale" walk to the car. Chris must have been rully over her.

I'm going to resist making the obvious Samantha Who joke. What's Christina Applegate doing these days?

I guess after Kelsey's crazy shenanigans last week, ending the episode with a Rose Ceremony would have been anticlimactic. When we last left Kelsey, American psycho, she and Diane were doing their best Grey's Anatomy bit for everyone next to the water fountain in the lobby of a hotel named after Kip's girlfriend from Napoleon Dynamite. Diane frantically dug through the all-important yellow bag for a giant oxygen tank that saved Kelsey's life. And when she finally "came to," she of course asks for small-eared Farmer Chris, who is putty in her hands.

Meanwhile, Kale's Mom wants us to know that she will never be able to get over being rejected by a guy she's known for probably about three weeks. Relax, Kale's Mom. I have T-shirts older than you.

Becca gets a one-on-one. She seems genuine, cool and laid back. I like her. She and Chris seem like a good fit too. I could even see her moving to Iowa. I bet she makes it far. I also loved that she made fun of Chris on the date. It's about time someone did!

I totally agree. I can't exactly say what Chris and Becca did on their date (rode horses and then sat down?) but Chris does seem genuinely into her. Or at least, as into anyone as he possibly can be. When the date card first arrived, I half expected Kelsey to pull out a knife and just slit Becca's throat, because Kelsey clearly felt entitled to a one-on-one (and rightfully so) for having exploited the death of her husband. And I love how, when wine o'clock rolls around, a few of the girls decide they want to confront Kelsey, which is a bad move, especially when she's wearing her Gone Girl cardigan. Ladies, ladies, ladies... Kelsey is a master manipulator. You will not break her, not even under the weight of your harsh interrogations. I feel like Kelsey could survive being waterboarded.

Back on the ranch, some Country duo I've never heard of shows up and Whitney is F'in Pumped. Apparently, these dudes are like, Country Gods or something. And guess, what? The ladies are gonna be writing and performing their own love ballads to Chris. This contest was a classic case of 'it doesn't matter who does the best job, the winner will be the woman whose butt I most want to caress." And just in case you were wondering, it was Britt's butt. In these yoga pants:

Hachi Machi!

So, Chris takes Britt (and her killer ass!) to a concert for those Country Music Gods. He doesn't send the other girls home, he just makes them wait, wondering what happened. Meanwhile Britt (who doesn't even LIKE Country music, as Whitney points out) gets to dance on the stage.

Okay, I thought this was kind of a dick move. Even though I don't know who those dudes were, a lot of these girls did. Chris claims he gave Britt the rose on stage, a secret only to the other contestants, because he didn't want to further hurt the women's feelings by doing it in front of them. But wouldn't it have been kinder to take everyone to the concert and then only pull Britt up on stage. Instead, he makes the women wait around like lost cattle wondering what happened to him and B? ALSO, if he was so worried about the other women's feelings, why was he making out with Britt in front of all of them earlier in the date? I expect his answer would be a well-timed, "Umm..." followed by a befuddled look, as is his answer to everything.

Yeah, I think I'd kind of heard of Big & Rich before. Aren't they the ones who win all those American Music Awards? My favorite part of the whole group date was the inspirational one-block jog that Jade went on with one of them (I'm guessing it was Big, since he was the taller one?). That almost turned into a one-on-one date. I was honestly hoping Jade would just go on a date with him, since they seemed to have actual chemistry.

And Fia, I could not agree more with your analysis of the concert beat. This drove me crazy because the whole "surprise" was sold to us as some sort of spontaneous, impulsive move, but it had clearly been arranged ahead of time. And it was the dickest of dick moves to come back, drop Britt off with the rose in her hand, and go, "Welp. This was fun. I'm gonna leave y'all to, uh, have your vajayjay chats, and I'll see you in the morning." 

Then, the two mean girls are taken on the dreaded two-on-one. This was a budget date. The badlands are cool, but if I was about to be sent home, I seriously would not want it to be in the middle of a National park with no water, a bed and my sworn enemy on the other side of a rock . There was plenty of wine to go round so you know these girls were massively dehydrated. Josh, I'm gonna let you take the intricacies of this date since you are the KardASHLEYian whisperer.

When that group date card arrived, and we realized that the two-on-one was going to be Ashley I versus Kelsey, I squealed with delight. It was one of those moments they talk about in Ancient Greek drama, where something is revealed and it's shocking and yet you look back and you realize it was inevitable. Yeah, these producers are basically Sophocles. And of course, when the two-on-one card arrived, Kelsey yelled "I LOVE THE BADLANDS!!" And I just shook my head, because I knew Kim Kardashleyan was in for a rough afternoon. That's how Kelsey rolls. She prefers to do battle with her opponents in the harsh, unforgiving landscape of South Dakota. She's in her element here. Bow down.

Sidenote: Ashley I, if you're reading this, will you leave a comment letting us know where you get your eyelash glue? I'm amazed at how well they stayed on despite you ending the North American drought with your tears.

Ashley went into this date way too overconfident for my tastes. I'm like, if Sanderson Poe (aka NO ONE'S SPARED) can die under mysterious circumstances, what do you think Kelsey's gonna do with the likes of you? So of course, Ashley overplays her hand and spends her one-on-one time ratting out Kelsey. And then Chris immediately turns around and rats out Ashley to Kelsey, and then Kelsey confronts Ashley and breaks her down mentally by saying things like "I still respect you" and Ashley tries her best ("You think I'm not as smart as you just because I don't use big words?") but is defeated by Kelsey's death stare and her superior Sun Tzu tactics.

So Ashley confronts Chris about ratting out her rattiness, and Chris is all, "Gurl, bye. No, seriously. GURL, BYE. We don't even sell eyeliner in Iowa, so there's no way you could ever be happy there. I'm just gonna leave you here on this rock. Deuces."

The world's best PA comes into the suite to get Ashley's suitcase and all the girls collapse in utter despondency. Chris then goes back to that weird cabana they set up next to the helicopter and, in a shocking twist, gets rid of Kelsey too! His rationale is basically that his feelings aren't where hers are and she deserves more and something about 110% and some other percentages. But we all know the real reason she's going home. Chris doesn't want to wake up one morning to discover that Kelsey has staged her own kidnapping and murder.

But I will say this image is one for bachelor history:

Bye bitches! Enjoy finding your way outta this one! 

(In case you can't tell, that's Ashley and Kelsey. This is Chris's view from his helicopter, after he leaves them in the badlands to die.)

My other favorite image from this week is when Best PA comes to get Kelsey's bag too and everyone erupts into pure joy. The way Carly poured that rosé like she was a bartender at Coyote Ugly made my whole day. Let's just hope that with Kelsey out of the picture, the show still has enough crazy to entertain us through the home stretch. It looks like Britt's the next one to lose ALL of her shit.

No comments:

Post a Comment