JUAN-UARY starts now

JP gave Sharleen the first impression rose, but has yet to impress her with his bachelor charms

JA: First of all, happy birthday, Fia!! You were my first friend at Juilliard (real talk) and it’s an honor to snark with you for this, our fourth season together. The moment we’ve all waited for has arrived -- JUAN-UARY!! -- and we embark on a new season of “El Bachelor,” also titled “Camila Gets A Crazy New Stepmom.” But seriously. Watching Juan Pablo with Camila makes my ovaries hurt. Although, if I were Camila’s mother, I would want to be slightly more involved in helping JP pick a crazy stepmother for my child. Maybe we’ll meet her later in the season.

SA: J, you are the sweetest and I am so glad I get to go on this blog journey with you every season! Also, I literally just said "Alright, Omar let's watch Juan Pablo find love" to my dog. So...I think you might need to move back to NY so we can watch together.

Passing thought - did JP put the rose over his peen during the photo shoot and then smirk at the photographer? I think he did. Also, yes, Camila Valentina is the cutest and it is way less embarrassing to do the obligatory Santa Monica pier / beach visit with a child. Sorry, Des.

Oh, look! It’s a quick visit from our favorite Texas Tomato, Sean Lowe!! Am I the only one who sat through that “skunk sprayed our dog” story wondering why the hell he and Catherine are living in Burbank??

Yes, Josh, yes! Also, loving that JP really does not want to refer to this as a journey and Sean was basically like, sorry buddy, you are contractual obligated to call this a journey and as much as you may try to make "la adventura" happen - fetch is just not happening.

My memorable moments from all the video intros of the ladies -- first off, Lauren, the girl from Oklahoma who gave us our first trauma of the season. Her trauma was apparently being dumped by phone by her live-in fiance, which is pretty horrific, not gonna lie. I also enjoyed Clare, that girl from Sacramento who is vaguely “part” Mexican and whose trauma involves a dead father who left a DVD for her future husband. I’m not even gonna talk about that girl Lacy who is trotting out her special-needs family (yep, I’m looking at you, Drew from Des’s season) and who also apparently opened her first elderly care facility at age 20. I have so many follow-up questions that mainly revolve around permits, but I’ll leave it alone.

But what about Amy the psycho massage therapist? My notes from this section literally read - crazy eyes, pod person, INSANE, might kill you, run JP run

As far as limo arrivals, I don’t really have much to say for the endless parade of girls, except that I really enjoyed Piano Tricycle Girl (Other Lauren?). I thought it was a really good sign that he followed her inside the house to get her name. Clare with her cray-cray baby bump also scored points. I HATED the fact that Kelly brought that dog with her, and that her career is listed as “dog lover.” How long are we gonna have to deal with that dog Molly who clearly hates Juan Pablo and hates this show and hates everything?

Okay, at least the free spirit knows that's not a real job. I just don't know how much more of these made up careers I can take - like even current NBA dancer is not a job and so I don't know what that former NBA dancer is trying to pull here. Also, Chantal - way to bring your A game with the proper pronunciation of Juan Pablo - killed it.

I like the nanny in Sambas - I liked her last night during her initial intro too - she may be an early fav for me - is her name Alli? I also like single mom Renee though they might find they have nothing in common except kids - still too early to tell.

Already you can also tell that Alexis is staying (she got a “cuuuuute” out of JP), as are Sharleen (“I like singers!”) and Gang Prosecutor Andi (did you see all that cute flirtation?).

I thought Alexis was a definite too, but nope, JP is full of surprises. Andi and JP have the most chemistry I've seen yet and Sharleen is way too smart and classy to be here. Also, I love how she was like, "yeah maybe you'll hear my sing, maybe, but I'm not gonna trot that shit out like some hobbyist"

This cocktail party did not disappoint. I was wishing to see multiple girls butcher 9th-grade Spanish, and my wish was granted. Remember when JP was talking to Nikki the Nurse and he was all “maybe I’ll see your hometown next week” and then he forgot that hometowns don’t air for another two months and so he tried to back-pedal?

No no, Amy the Massage Therapist. 1) Stop wearing a dress made out of theater curtains. 2) Stop giving massages to Juan Pablo. He’s weirded out by you and your essential oils. As am I. As is America. JP is not into this bitch and she is like having an orgasm over touching his hands. Get this girl out of here stat. Like, ABC, you cannot make him keep her for ratings, she is making us all extremely uncomfortable.

I love these producers. They were clearly like, “No one’s crying yet. Everyone’s having too much fun in the photo booth. Let’s just sit the First Impression Rose out here on a literal silver platter and let things get real for a second.” And it totally worked. First Impression Rose + Open Bar = Lauren is the first to cry.

Which brings me to my awards for the evening. My Mad Props Award goes to Gold-Star Ashley, the girl who spent her evening psychologically unraveling Lauren until she was a crying mess and then unleashed her on Juan Pablo in a state of complete meltdown. Lauren’s sitting there weeping about how this whole experience brings up all her issues and Ashley’s like, “So what are you gonna do?” Sure, Ashley also went home tonight, but what a ballsy move to actively exploit a fellow contestant’s insecurities like that. Ladies, take notes.

Also, were you following this girl's timeline - her fiance only dumped her 'a couple months ago' WTF! And she only met him 'a little over a year ago'. And now she thinks she's strong enough to handle America's most manipulative, sanity testing, social experiment aka ABC's the bachelor. Oh honey, thank god you got sent home on the first night.

My Thumbs Down Award goes, without a doubt, to Sharleen. JP basically proposed to her the second they sat down. He talked about how elegant she was and draped his jacket around her and complimented her dress a hundred and fifty times and gave her Sexy Soccer Eyes. Oh, right, AND THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE. And as he’s coming back with the rose, all she can say is, “Seriously?” And she hesitated for about an hour and a half before accepting the rose. Why? “I just feel like the connection is forced.” Um, hello, Sharleen? This is Bachelor Nation, gurl. Forced connection is WHAT WE DO. And from the season teaser, she doesn’t seem to improve her attitude. What does she think she signed up for?

I also like how he said, "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or worried about tonight" while the thing that's really worrying her is how not into him she is. But, not gonna lie, I still like her. Just the fact that her voice is an octave lower than everyone else's gives this cast a little diversity.

As for the Rose Ceremony, it would have gone down as pretty uneventful were it not for that terrible moment with Kylie where she thought JP said her name, but he really said Kat’s. Wow, that was a soul-crushingly embarrassing moment. That moment was like that dream where you’re in the school play and you’re naked in front of everyone and you don’t know your lines. Mortifying.

Did you notice Kat mouth all bitchily "no, he didn't" when Kylie says she thought he said her name? Kat's got some claws,  except I seriously didn't remember seeing her at all before this. And how the F did dog lady get a rose and Alexis didn't? Oh god, now Kylie is crying and talking about how great it was to imagine her life with JP while it lasted - shut up, Kylie you're only 23.

I’m sorry we had to say goodbye to all those girls I didn’t recognize. And to Ashley, who was so busy playing Lauren so masterfully that she forgot to talk to Juan Pablo. And to Lauren, who is undoubtedly going to add this to her list of relationship traumas. P.S. my TV keeps telling me she is a “mineral coordinator”... what exactly is that? Is that an Oklahoma thing?

I know you like Clare, Josh, and you're instincts about Chris last season were right from the start, but you and JP are gonna have to sell me on her because from what I've seen -I'm not into it. Other thoughts - can't wait to get to know Alli the nanny better, to see Sharleen break JP's heart when she prematurely leaves, and to get more of that saucy chemistry between him and lawyer Andi. But for realz, we need to start sending some of these tan blondes home bc I don't care about them and can't tell them apart anyway. Also, I'm pretty sure that was the free spirit pulling a Courtney and skinny dipping with el bachelor. That's such a free spirit thing to do.

I’m so glad to be back in the Bachelor swing. I can’t wait to see what this season brings. And I definitely can’t wait to see which girl is crying in the bathroom saying she hopes Juan Pablo dies. That’s gonna be epic.