JUAN PABLO WEEK FOUR: "my future husband is waiting for me in Korea and I don't even have a kimono"

How many likes do you think this pic got when this Korean teen uploaded it to Instragram?

JA: For Week 4, I was joined in my apartment by our friend and schoolmate, the inimitable Laura Marks. She hasn’t been watching this season, but her first words upon seeing Juan Pablo: “His eyes are a little too close together.” Well said, Laura. We are also both of the mind that a more exciting trip for the Bachelor crew would have been NORTH Korea. Just saying. Dennis Rodman clearly has access; why shouldn’t a bunch of drunk, emotionally unstable blondes? And whoever it was that said, “Korea?!? I don’t even have a kimono” should probably enter a beauty pageant.

SA: It was Clare and I believe her sentence right before that was, 'my future husband is waiting for me in Korea'. This is my least favorite kind of contestant, the one who thinks they are engaged to said bachelor from the moment they walk out of the limo, the hesitant, unsure ones (looking at you Sharleen) are much more appealing. Also, when they were walking to the hotel screaming, I imagined Sharleen felt like the girl really embarrassed by all the other American students on a study abroad program.

I found this whole K-pop date shrill and annoying. I also have just realized what it must do to people to have to be constantly excited and screamy about everything. And these Korean Spice Girls seem really annoyed having to deal with the Bachelor. Although when I saw they were doing their concert in a mall, I’m a little like, America stopped doing that with Tiffany around 1987.

I loved when Nikki said she was upset she had to go on a group date with five other girls she found quite annoying - it's true that they really did split off the dum-dums for this K-pop date. With the exception of Danielle who I didn't even realize was on this date until almost the end, that's how little screen time she gets. 

Also, dear Kat. Stop trying so hard to be a backup dancer. I get it. You tried. You danced with vigor. You shared some childhood trauma about your alcoholic dad. And apparently, your mom “made lemons out of lemonade.” But don’t you know by now that the Group Date Rose doesn’t go to the person who does the best? It goes to the girl who sucks the hardest at the task and pouts the whole time (looking at you, Nikki). Who was it who said, "if she wants to stay in South Korea and be a back up dancer for 21, she should do that." That was awesome, and if Kat quit to bachelor to stay in SK - that might be the coolest thing ever.

I had my head down writing when someone said “my childhood dream was to be Britney Spears’ backup dancer.” I couldn’t rewind because it just made me sad. It made me sad for a whole lot of reasons. I noted that as well, it was Chelsie. Which makes me less sad bc it's pretty much what I expected of her.

Fia, did you think when Elise used her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo to smear other contestants that she was signing her own walking papers? That’s never a good move. I thought we got two good bachelor lessons on this date. Kat brought out her trauma at the exact moment other girls were accusing her of being "too fun". Good move. But yes, Elise warning JP to be careful - always, always a bad move and it's no surprise we said goodbye to Elise tonight. Can't say I was sad to see her go though, she was just rocking way too many sequins for my taste. Also, he srsly likes Nikki - did you see how he wiped the strand of hair out of her face, then brought up Camila? He seems sold on this one which is why I was surprised in the next scene when he told us at this point Sharleen is still his favorite.

I have mixed emotions about this Sharleen date. On one hand, she’s definitely being honest and being her weird cold fish self. And I’m glad JP appreciated her honesty about kids. I feel like he’s still so taken with her that her complete lack of any maternal instinct isn’t a problem… yet. But I doubt that this can last. I know Juan Pablo thinks he and Sharleen have “a lot in common” (both of them lived in foreign countries???) but I’m just not seeing it. Fia?

I say it every week - I really like Sharleen. I like that I feel like we get to see who she actually is, and it's the kind of person I recognize from real life. Did you hear her say, "I don't want to get ahead of myself but I feel like I might get the rose tonight." Sharleen, silly goose, of course you are getting the rose tonight - it's a one-on-one and JP is obsessed with you. Do you not know what getting ahead of yourself on this show means? Clare is already referring to this man as her fiance!

However, as much as I like Sharleen, and maybe want to invite her to my wedding, I do not know about the whole JP thing for her. Like, I really don't see her giving up her career as an opera singer and moving to Miami to become Camila's stepmom. If the franchise wants to continue on their success streak a producer might need to step in and force Sharleen to pull a Brooks in the penultimate episode.

That fish pedicure? Cannot unsee. I have wanted a fish pedicure for so long!! Also props to JP for actually letting all of the ladies see some of the city. Man would it suck to go all the way to Seoul and then have to stay in the hotel room (which has happened before on travel dates).

Also, I’m sorry, but Clare’s whole bit with the octopus was a perfectly orchestrated ploy for attention. If she really hated octopus, why would she bring it up out of absolutely nowhere? She did it so that the focus could be on her and so that she could look like she was facing a fear. And JP fell for it hook, line, and sinker. (Although when Andi and Kelly reenacted the octopus moment later, they basically won the episode.)

Kelly the dog lover has really grown on me. Don't get me wrong I don't see her with JP at all but they really need to keep her around for comic relief. Re: the octopus when she said Clare has definitely swallowed bigger things? That could have been a line from Clueless. I also love how she lies so effortlessly ie when Clare walked in on Nikki talking trash about her and without missing a beat Kelly tells her they'd been talking about Lauren's awkward date.

But the most amazing thing about this group date was JP’s improvised “rule” that he’s not going to kiss any more women because he didn’t want his daughter to be watching him kiss multiple women (again with his idea that the children of America are watching The Bachelor). This sudden moratorium on kissing was only in place while he was around women he wasn’t really into, and Renee and Lauren HAD TO KNOW the real truth -- that he just wasn’t that into them. Because the second he got in front of Clare, the rule went out the window. Also, it’s the most ridiculous “rule” I’ve ever heard. There can be no Bachelor or Bachelorette without the constant risk of a cold sore outbreak. You have to kiss. You can’t not kiss. That’s, like, in the Constitution.

Josh, are kindergarten classes around the country hosting bachelor viewing parties and we are the last to know? 

The Rose Ceremony yielded few surprises for me, except for Danielle still being around. I constantly forget she’s there. Elise? Bye. And Lauren… poor Lauren. When she cried to the other girls about Juan Pablo’s flat-out refusal to kiss her, they comforted her by saying, “Don’t negate a relationship just because you start off as friends.” Um… yeah, I guess that’s true… if you were here longer than two weeks and he wasn’t slobbing down every other girl in the house. No kiss = flying from Korea to LA in coach.

Next week: Clare and Juan Pablo totally have sex, don’t they? It’s clear that he can’t control himself around her.

Ya, I think we found out the answer to which lady pulls the Courtney in the ocean. 

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