FINALE!!!! DES AND CHRIS!!!!

All's well that ends well in bachelor nation where princesses can come from nothing to have their heart broken (brooks), teach a robot to love (drew) and end up with their prince (chris) all in the same week!

SA: So let me just say that I loved this finale and I cried real tears. And not just because the cat brought out a mouse into my house midway through the show and my mom and I had to stop watching while she chased it out and I stood on a ledge. These were tears of joy for Chris and Des. Maybe the front runner should always back out and leave the lass to choose the guy who’s actually right for her.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves...

That first scene with Chris Harrison was rough. When he asked her how she was doing and her response was the meek, teary, "I'm okay until someone asks." What she really should have said was, "I'm fi'n miserable you dip shit, being made more miserable by the fact that I am still forced to pose on the balcony looking out hopefully over the sea...and talk to you about my feelings, which we all found out yesterday are about as solid as dog turds."

But then CH manipulated her into continuing with the show and I just thought, I can't believe this poor girl has to go to a rose ceremony of all things right now.

JA: Who knew that after such a boring season, I’d be so breathlessly anticipating this finale? Also, I’m with you, Fia. I’ve been pronouncing the “gua” in Antigua like “guacamole.” But Chris Harrison pronounced it differently, and what Chris says goes.

I love that when Des says she’s okay, Chris gives her a look like, “Oh honey. You’re so not. The producers and I have made sure of that.” And you’re right; he totally manipulated her into continuing. But that’s his job as the host. Chris is such a pro. But you know what? Welcome to real life, Des, where sometimes you have to learn to love your second choice. Can you tell I’m having a really upbeat summer?

Chris looked so sweet and I believed him when he told her he wanted to go hug her but didn't out of respect to Drew. Drew looked like the CGI character we all know he is inside - does this guy have a walk on in the SMURFS sequel?

When she said Drew's name did anyone else get a flashback to Julie's burning love season when she threw the roses at the remaining dudes while crying? Des could barely choke out Drew's name. But I did see a little smile when she gave one to Chris.

Yeah, that was the most awkward Rose Ceremony ever, made even more awkward by a weird Navajo rug. Is this a callback to Week Two? Do you think they turned her Navajo bag full of dreams into a Navajo rug that the men now walk over? #metaphor

PS If we go to a live finale, we are guaranteed to get asked questions in the studio audience. We represent Bachelor Nation in all its “diversity.” Also did you notice that there are about six people who are fans of Drew?

Way to get back on the horse Des, literally. What brilliant PA came up with that - putting her on an actual horse. Brillz.

Sigh…are these the best midriff tops Des could find? And the fact that I just called them midriff tops…does that make me an old lady?

Also I am so glad that she is as over Drew as the rest of us. After someone breaks your heart you just can't pretend to make out with anymore overgrown toddlers. And to get a cheezballs, the way she dumped Drew so immediately gave me hope that what's about to happen with Chris is real. This girl has a 0 bullshit tolerance moving forward.

I’m so glad she got rid of Drew early on. But the upside? Maybe this is what Drew needed to see that the universe’s plan for his life is…men. Aww, now I really want her to be with Chris. If Brooks comes back to eff this up, I’m gonna be pissed. Dance with the one who brung ya, Des. ‘Cuz if you can’t be with the one you love… Also, thank you, Des, for showing us how to really break up with someone. You rip the Band-Aid off. You don’t sit there and hug them and say “I don’t love you” over and over again for three whole segments (looking at you, Brooks).

I mean is this season a classic rom com or what? Drew wants Des, Des wants Brooks, Brooks isn't into her and she ends up with the best friend we were all rooting for from the beginning. Was this season actually Nora Ephron's last piece of work? Lucky Guy was just a fake out?

Fia, that is maybe the best call of the season. I hope you walked out of the room after you typed that, because…brilliant.

I think Chris is a good fit for her, and I’ve thought so ever since he first arrived and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit. But now that we’re back in his hotel room, he better not bust out any more poetry. I just really don’t know what I’ll do if there’s another poem. I am nervous, though, because we have a whole other hour to go in this finale.

I am so happy when I see these two together, they have won me over. Even Des's coked out brother whom the producers asked to bring up Brooks (as if he would ever have remembered his name on his own) can't stop this train from moving into Neil Lane station.

NEIL LANE!!! NEIL LANE!!! I still feel a little shitty for Chris, though. He’s proposing to a girl never having known that he’s her sloppy seconds. She’d better tell him.

Also, they seem to have Nate on fewer drugs this time around. Megan seems to think that Nate would make a very interesting Bachelor. And I agree. Could you imagine what a prick he’d be during those Rose Ceremonies?

I even kind of like dress she's wearing. I'm calling this as one that's gonna last. I've been wrong before but this finale made me feel all kinds of good feelings. 

I agree. I was super cynical about the whole thing, but good on Des for spinning the whole “I was in love with another guy two days ago” problem into “My feelings for him kept me from seeing what I had in front of me all along.” That’s a smooth move. I think the real winner of this season, though, is Matt White (I had to look up his name). He’s the guy who did the live date-concert version of that song “Love and Affection”…and then it basically ended up becoming the Bachelorette theme song. Matt White wins.

And next season we have a whole lotta Juan Pablo to look forward to. See you there!!!

January can’t come soon enough! What’s the over-under on how long it’ll take Juan Pablo to trot out and exploit his daughter? Also, what’s his baby mama situation? I have a lot of research to do.