JUAN PABLO WEEK TWO - who let the dogs out?

props to JP for giving the rose to the gal who actually was the best sport - not the girl who got naked...this bitch.

JA: Okay, where do I even begin? I’m tempted to do this like a notes call and start with my overalls before I get into page notes. This episode basically taught me that Juan Pablo is the most perfectest Bachelor in the history of The Bachelor. He makes Ben Flajnik look like an even bigger tool (which I didn’t know was possible). Also. Who could have known that the “DIE JUAN PABLO DIE” meltdown would happen in Week Two? Christmas came early.

SA: Uh, Josh, I had forgotten that turd Ben Flajnik even existed, then you reminded me, then I remembered that he's now dating Kris Jenner. 

This Clare date starts off pretty obnoxiously with all the girls seeing Clare and JP off. And where exactly are they going? Someplace with a lot of fake snow and a hot tub? But Clare won’t let a little sexy hot tub time stop her from fulfilling her contractual obligation to dig out her Personal Trauma for the One-on-One date. I wonder if she has a copy of the DVD her dad left for her future husband, just in case she makes it to the finale. Also, bonus points to Clare for relating the frigid winter theme of the date to her emotional state. #metaphor Also, mega bonus points for getting the first makeout of the season. But I’m afraid we’re gonna have to revoke those bonus points for saying JP tastes like snow. I’m from Chicago. That is not a compliment. Unless you mean he tastes like the fake snow coming down around you. Which is… also not a compliment. I won’t even address the private concert because I have no idea who that was and I don’t feel like Googling. The obligatory private concerts by musicians no one has ever heard of are just part of the bachelor franchise - they are never going away, they will outlive us all. 

I have this bad feeling Clare gets really far (maybe even wins?) and someone is going to have to talk me through it because I am still not feeling her. She busted out her trauma while giving JP a back massage and she is constantly referencing her lack of relationships. I know the 'meet the ladies' special is not the last we've seen of that DVD from her deceased father and I am just praying she does not pull it out at hometowns, or worse, have it in her bag at the mansion. Also the 'you taste like snow' line was just too embarrassing to even talk about. Especially because this is fake snow. I guess "you taste like fake snow" just didn't sound as good in her head.

I love how Clare gets taken to some random backlot in Santa Clarita and Kat gets to fly on a private jet to Salt Lake City. I especially love, though, how Kat thought there was a chance they were flying all the way to New York. That’s right, Kat. Dream big.

How could Kat not have gotten that rose? Could you imagine having to run a 5K in a radioactive outfit and then dance at a rave and THEN not get a rose? Okay, I take back my earlier jab at the backlot in Santa Clarita. I would rather make out in a jacuzzi than run three miles.

Between us, I am not sure that Kat and JP actually ran the whole 5K, there weren't a lot of shots of them actually running - more of them starting to run and then dancing at the finish line. That said, I thought this date seemed pretty fun, if a little friend zone. Side note: Did you notice that the banner of this race said it was the Salt Lake Thanksgiving Electric Run -- does that mean that this show films over holidays and none of these girls got to spend the holiday with their families? Would love for a bach insider to clear this up - thanks!

I love this group date. Mainly because I love all these adorable shelter dogs. Former NBA Dancer is in her element at this photo shoot. Wait. Wait. Hold. The phone. Is it just me, or is Kelly kiiiiiiindof in blackface? Well, I guess it’s to make her look like a dog. I’m still a little uncomfortable. But hey. Whatever gets you the rose, I guess?

I also do not blame Elise or Andi for being less than enthused about wearing an index card as an entire outfit. But I guess that’s what you get, Andi, for leaving your promising legal career to be on The Bachelor. Elise was like, “Screw this. I’m happy to be a fire hydrant. Hey, Naked Girl? Wanna be naked some more?” And Lucy was like, “Obvi. I like being naked so much that I DO IT ON THE STREET.” (How was that not super illegal?)

Awww, look at JP, making Andi feel better about being naked by letting her (and America) know that he too will be dropping trou. Now, magically, she feels better about it. (Sweet Mother of Manchego, who WOULDN’T feel better?) Lucy, however, needed no pep talk. Her Ladytown was on full display in every photograph.

At first I thought the 1st grade teacher played this one better by opting out and going for tradesys with Lucy but now I know that no, Andi is definitely the winner here. She used her lawyer skills and played it right - be uncomfortable, get JP to comfort you and then agree to do it - he now thinks she's moral and brave, the producers gave her a big dog to cover herself, JP is cuddling up to her and Lucy is...still just naked. She's definitely the odd man out in this ménage à dog adoption commercial.

And now the moment we’ve all eagerly anticipated. Apparently, Victoria’s Secret is that she is an insane alcoholic. But before we get to that good stuff… I thought JP’s reaction to Laker Girl having a son was so adorable. And boo you, Renee, for not getting that kiss on the rooftop. You didn’t even have to awkwardly bring the subject to kissing. You were already talking about kissing.

I think Renee wanted him to kiss her, but if she had just gone for it they definitely would have had a nice lil make-out. Also, is it totally unfair of me to want Renee to be here and think she is a good mom but to be judgmental that the Laker girl left her not even 2 yo son home to do this show?

But oh goodness, does the evening belong to Victoria. I want a calendar that’s just 365 Days of Victoria. Each day can be another gem of a quote. A few of my favorites:

“I just got here.” --Victoria, on the speculation that she might be wasted

“That’s what life is about -- straddling people… and things.” --Victoria, on what she’d do to Juan Pablo “if he were hers”

“I’m not a dog. I’m just a bitch.” --Victoria, on self-awareness

“Today I gave him the hymen maneuver.” --Victoria, on lord knows what.

If memory serves, and my understanding of female anatomy from 9th grade health class holds up, the “hymen maneuver” is NOT effective in saving someone from choking. But maybe it is. I’ve never tried it.

Then she wanders around, wasted, with stuff dangling from her bikini bottoms (what is that?) until she decides she’s had enough wasted crying in the bathroom and it’s time to leave. This is when the Mangiest-Looking Producer Ever (he looked like Adam Duritz’s homeless cousin) It's Elan! Of Twitter Fame! has to convince her not to leave without shoes on. And even through all this craziness, Juan Pablo still handled it with grace and compassion, like a total champ.

Have you noticed how nice all these girls are being to each other? Like, no one was even a bitch about what a shit show Victoria was being. This sorority sisters thing can't possibly last much longer, but its a welcome relief from the Tierra's eyebrow. Also, they cut away before it happened but did you notice Victoria's run back to the bathroom after talking to the producer, that was an "I'm about to puke run" if I've ever seen one!

Victoria was apparently so out of her mind that she couldn’t even come back to the house? That must have been one hell of a meltdown. Maybe she figured she was gonna be sent home anyway, so she might as well just really lose ALL her shit so she could spend her last night in a nice hotel room. I love how Juan Pablo was like, “Yeah no I’m not subjecting my child to this level of crazy. Kthanxbye.”

Can you imagine the shame spiral she must have went through when she woke up in a hotel room, in her bikini and started to piece together what happened the night before. If you are too drunk to go back to the bachelor mansion, a place where you are contractually obligated to have a glass of white wine in your hands at all times, then it's probably time to seriously think about the life choices you've been making. 

JP even took the time to have private convos with the ladies who didn’t get dates. He’s such a pro. And what does Amy do with her precious private time? Some terrible reporter gag. I can’t. Not only is this gimmicky and weird, but she’s clearly showing America that she is a terrible reporter. At least cry and tell Juan Pablo how being left out of dates this week reminds you of your father abandoning you at age seven. Give him something to work with.

That reporter nonsense was some first night shit, totally inappropriate in the second week.

My “Most Improved” Award of the night goes to Sharleen, who totally apologized for being an asshole in Week One. What do you think got her in the game this week?

I, in fact, know what got her in the game this week. It's having spent a week in the bachelor mansion with no date. And she realized, oh shit, I am NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO READ in this house and my only chance to go into the natural world is when JP invites me out, I better start loving my captor NOW. Just another example of how the bachelor is the most celebrated example of Stockholm Syndrome we have, and why I love it so much. 

(SIDENOTE: I just watched the promo for Sean & Catherine’s Wedding Special. I feel this deserves a special edition of Playwrights Discuss. You up for it, Fia? 100% It's on.)

After JP has yet another amazing and classy convo with Laker Girl, he does a simple, elegant Rose Ceremony and sends Reporter and Only Black Girl on their way. I really liked Chantel’s dress. She moved well in it and it flattered everything she’s got going on.

Not to sound like Renee's biggest fan, but I thought it was kind of insane when JP said he can tell Laker girl is a good mom bc she misses her kid - when Renee has been showing us she's a good mom all episode by mothering every girl who has a breakdown. Keep those eyes open, JP. But yes, I agree, JP is super classy and anyone who wears a dress as classy as Chantel's deserves another week, if only to break up the sequins.

Great work, Week Two. And it looks like Week Three promises more greatness, as the women all begin to really turn on each other. Can’t wait.

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