JUAN PABLO WEEK FIVE - motion in the ocean

Get lucky.

SA: It was the slut shame heard round the world in Vietnam this week when self professed 'ice queen' (anyone else starting to doubt the accuracy of that title) stripped down to her skivvies and became the first bachelorette in many seasons to get lucky before Chris Harrison sanctioned it appropriate with a fantasy suite key. And if there's one thing I know about the bachelor it's that no one is supposed to do the deed before CH gives it the go ahead.

Speaking of which, Josh, have you noticed that Chris Harrison has been bizarrely absent from this season? Where are the one-on-one interviews? Where is his recap of the sitch in the house? He only seems to appear right before the rose ceremony and then vanishes again until just before it finishes. JP is being forced to act as bachelor and host - I can't believe he had to tell the ladies himself that three of them would be going home - oh the humanity!

JA: I couldn’t agree more, Fia. I was thinking last night of how much I was missing Chris sit down with the Bachelor/ette before each elimination to recap and make them cry. But I guess Juan Pablo is crying all on his own, so he doesn’t need Chris’s help.

But I'm getting ahead of myself here - let's backtrack. First thoughts are that they are really stepping up their travel game this season. So far they've been to Korea and Vietnam which on any other season could have both been final destination spots - but for JP these are just stops along the way. We need only remember that Des's first travel local was...Atlantic City.

Yeah, I too was very impressed that the grand tour of Asia continues in Vietnam, especially after Des went nowhere special. JP and the ladies are going to a lot of wonderful and exotic locations. To think that the guy with the kid is the one shtupping girls in the surf halfway around the world!

In an odd moment of honesty Nikki starts the ep off by admitting to being the source of all the drama last week? Okay, I guess we'll take it but compared to Tierra's eyebrow everything thus far has seemed pretty tame.

I’m looking for who’s our bonafide crazy person. This week it became clear that the producers are grooming Clare for that role, but yes, by this point in Sean’s season Tierra and her eyebrow were already freaking out and getting “pushed” down the stairs and contracting “frostbite.”

Renee gets the one on one date and if anyone even dares talk shit about it they are the devil bc Renee is a saint. Thankfully all the girls know this and choose to wait and talk shit until the group date card arrives and everyone can be jealous of Nikki for getting the second one on one guilt free.

I’m so glad House Mom Renee finally got a one-on-one date. Long overdue. I’m having a hard time seeing a connection, though. As Patti “Millionaire Matchmaker” Stanger would say, I don’t see how she gets him “juicey goosey.” But maybe this date will prove me wrong. I want this date to prove me wrong. As real as Sharleen is, Renee is simple and uncomplicated in the best way.

I was a little worried when Juan Pablo said he thought the date would be a "great day for Renee", he quickly corrected himself to say it would be good for him too but I am beginning to feel like JP likes and respects Renee and may just want to give her a nice vacation before he sends her home. This was further cemented when the date included buying her a nice dress and pushing her around like a baby in a stroller. I sort of feel like he is treating her like his daughter who just brought home straight A's on her report card. I think this is Renee’s reward for being such a good babysitter for the other women in the house.

Renee is so pretty - why doesn't he want to kiss her? Why does he assume her son is going to watch this show? She practically has to force him to kiss her at the rose ceremony by telling him her son is "mature for 8" and "understands his mom is going to kiss men". That does it and he's all over her - she already has a rose and I begin to embrace the idea that Renee might just be a slow burn after all - hooray!

I am so over Juan Pablo’s whole “I only kiss childless people” rule. It’s clear that he’s sorting these women into two categories: the women whom he’s penalizing for already having children by denying them their God-given right to make out on ABC, and the women whom he, you know, bangs. It’s a weird madonna/whore thing. (Speaking of which, I love when he and Andi started kissing on the beach and Andi goes, “Sucking face again… sorry, Mom. Another episode you can’t watch.”)

And JP has already said in interviews that the show is “too racy” for Camila to watch, so who are all these children drinking cosmos at their Bachelor Nation parties every Monday?

I enjoy Kelly the dog lover's one liners so much that it devastates me she might go home tonight. IE, when the girls are asked to pair off and Claire is left solo and must pair with JP, "for the 1st time in someone's life not having friends is an advantage"

I wrote that line down too! Brillz. But yeah, she’s so going home. As soon as I heard that three women were going, it was clear that the numbers weren’t in her favor. Or Danielle’s. That is her name, right? Danielle? Is she a deaf-mute?

Can someone tell Cassandra that we do have farms in America, farms are not a strictly Vietnamese thing. You’re from Michigan, Cassandra. Get it together.

And then...Claire and JP have sex in the ocean. I mean, they did, right? Like that's why it's such a big deal. That' why Claire described it as "pure bliss in every way". That's why they have that glow about them when they get out. That happened and oh, man, Claire - you may be happy now but just wait til JP's shame hangover sets in…

Okay, I spent quite a bit of time breaking this down. Yes, it is my conclusion that they had sex. She wasn’t crying like she’d just, you know, whoops, given him a quick handy. They banged. Also, she also used the phrase “went for it,” as in, “We just went for it.” That’s sex.

I did feel a little bad for Nikki going into this date when JP said he hadn't slept much the night before and she innocently (yet also somehow accusatorially) asked, "because you were excited?"

But man, what better way to ensure JP's shame hangover than to follow up unprotected ocean sex (with a woman you are not exclusively dating) with a one-on-one date with a pediatric nurse who tells you working with sick children gives her hope. In the wife column that little number just put Nikki +1 and Claire -1000. It's a shame the world works this way, but it does and Claire should have been smarter.

Yeah, this whole situation gave me a lot of feelings, or at least it gave me what approximates feelings when I watch the Bachelor. Of course, whenever things like this happen, the focus gets put on the woman, because (as we all know) women are the ones taught to be the regulators. Men obviously are the victims of their renegade penises, those volatile appendages whose sole mission is to burrow into orifices at the expense of dignity and self-control. So because women are fortunate enough not to be burdened with penises, the task falls to them to be the vigilant gatekeepers. In short, women = Gandalf, and men = Balrog.

Now, we all live on Actual Earth, not Middle Earth. I can’t help but notice that Juan Pablo went out of his way to bring Clare up to his suite just to show her. You know, in case maybe she wanted to stop by at four in the morning for a booty call. Why on earth would he bring her up there if there wasn’t at least some effort to plant an idea in her head? If he hadn’t shown her the suite, she wouldn’t have known where to go later that night. So I’m a little tired of Juan Pablo’s weirdly inconsistent moral compass. You don’t even kiss a woman on camera because you think her 8-year-old will be “pissed at you” but yet you give no thought to the consequences of ocean sex with Clare? Is the underlying assumption that a single woman with no children shouldn’t get the same consideration as Renee? Sorry. I could write a paper about this.

Andi got a lot of screen time for being confused and manipulated by the central workings of the show, and yet remained likable the whole time. This makes me think she might be our next bachelorette candidate. Also, I'm pretty sure the producers forced JP to give her the rose last.

I too was thinking about who would be the next Bachelorette. I’m not seeing the Des spark in any of these girls. Maybe Andi? But doesn’t she want to go back to being a district attorney? Aren’t there cases to prosecute in Georgia?

Then we said good bye to three of my favorites. As a goodbye present they finally let Danielle speak, although in actor terms her role still would have been deemed an 'under five'. Goodbye Kelly the dog lover, we'll miss you, and PS - what's your twitter handle?

Do you think Sharleen leaves next week?!?!?

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