DES WEEK 5: journey into the clouds

SA: I guess American Apparel sponsored this trip to Germany because all our boys got new zip up hoodies for the plane.

God I hope Michael and Mikey have to go on the two-on-one together and then she sends both of them home. These two are the worst.

When Bryden interrupts Des' one on one with Chris they really used those masks in the square to their advantage. I'm pretty sure these howling masks can find something better to be devastated by than Bryden leaving the bachelorette.

JA: I’m always really encouraged about life whenever someone voluntarily leaves the Bachelorette. It comes off as classy and mature. And Des comes off as the opposite of that when all she can say is “I wish you’d said that sooner.” These guys are dropping like flies.

Chris - "When I'm on this date I don't have to worry about anything! I don't have to worry about what time I go to bed. I don't have to worry about brushing my teeth!"

Umm..did this statement give anyone else pause? Like Chris might have one of those diseases where his body ages faster than his brain - that sounded like the quote of a six year old. Then Des doesn't help by saying she loves spending time with him because she can always see the little boy in him. Thoughts, Josh?

I am so so so tired of private concerts with bands I’ve never heard of. From the moment Chris stepped out of the limo and did the whole “I’m gonna get down on one knee to tie my shoe” bit, he’s been my pick for a frontrunner. And clearly Des likes the boys who can have a youthful playful side -- she climbed trees with Sean. I just didn’t realize she wanted them THAT youthful.

She really seems to be loving this poem though. And as much as I want to hate, in fact am dying to hate on bad, cheesy airport poetry...this was kind of a nice moment for these two.

The poem was really bad, but considering that the first draft was probably written on a cocktail napkin, it’s as close to Langston Hughes as any of the Bachelorette boys is going to get.

I think this group date looked awesome. I want to do that. Nice one producers. Everyone seemed to actually be having fun and I thought it was super cute when Brooks shoved a handful of snow in Des' face. Although I don't know if white wine would be my drink of choice after an afternoon of winter sports. Get these people some hot toddies. Or at least red wine. Save the yacht sauce for the beach.

I couldn’t agree more. They literally took a ski lift into the clouds. It’s the first group date that I was actually jealous of (aside from the Soulja Boy video, of course).

Super awkward when Brooks went to go and steal Des from James but then instead just watched them make out.

I see your awkward, and I raise you creepy.

On to the most awkward two-on-one of all time. I can't stand to look at Michael's stupid face and I felt certain he would go home since Des hasn't even talked to him this season. Then when he started get all prosecution on Ben again I thought, 'Des cannot possibly keep this psycho, make him leave now'. She teased us with sending them both home which would have been fine but then once again proving she has the worst taste of any bachelorette to date...she gives the rose to Michael! I don't even know what to say.

This two-on-one is so intense, and I’m afeared that Michael is playing all his cards too harshly. Also, please stop with the awkward and forced courtroom metaphors. We get it, Michael. You’re a Federal Prosecutor. And according to how you’re doing on this date, I hope I get busted for drug charges in your jurisdiction, because you suck. Once Ben excused himself from the table, I thought it was so so so over for Michael. And then Des inexplicably kept him...?

Oh really, Des? No cocktail party? Did the intense two-on-one date take up too much footage? This doesn’t look good for Mikey. She can’t get rid of Ben and James in the same episode. We need at least one villain to stick around for the rest of the season or else this show will basically eliminate the need for Ambien nationwide. Also she signaled during the group date that James wasn’t going anywhere and the only thing Mikey did on the group date was weird her out about maybe forcing her to stay in Chicago and become his Baby Machine. Also, is it me, or do Mikey’s eyes seem just a centimeter too close together? I’m just saying... I feel like he’s been hitting the Muscle Milk a little too hard. I still think he was genuine though. Ah well.

Now onto Barcelona where Juan Pablo is really going to shine!

He’s finally gonna be able to communicate with the locals. I smell a one- or two-on-one for him.

Til then...Fia & Josh

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