DES WEEK 3: "I'm all out of tears"

Des and Casey show us how to make out during a windstorm

SA: Sorry for the delay on my end Josh and readers, since the last post I've moved from Brooklyn to LA. On to the show...

JA: Dodgeball? This isn’t going to end well. I love that they shut down the Americana in Glendale for this awful display of grown men in tiny shorts. I hope none of them was planning to reproduce, because those testicles are being crushed to death.

Can I jump back for a minute and point out that in the teaser we saw Ben wearing that awful tank top that I guess it's required at least one bachelor wear per season? (Ryan last time and even that fan on BP). Do they send these things in the welcome basket? I cannot believe these dudes could be buying them. If I were the Bachelorette I would have them handed out on the first day and then any guy who put it on would be sent home immediately. Don't want that thing cropping up AFTER you've committed.

Oh no! Brooks just pulled a Tierra, except unlike Tierra, Brooks is actually injured. Why injure yourself, Brooks? First of all, if there was any such thing as a sure bet for getting a rose this week, it would be you. Also, don’t you know that winning these things doesn’t actually matter, since you’ll all get snuggle time anyway?

As painful as I’m sure a broken finger is, they’re way overplaying this ER bit. If we’re really gonna go full ER, let’s go all the way and cut his clothes off. I mean, you never know what kind of complications that broken finger could cause. Might as well get him naked and be thorough about it.

Agreed but that finger did look pretty gnarley. Get that man some codeine.

Wait, who is Brad again? I feel like whoever this guy is, his thought process was, “I’ve been waiting for the right time to air all my trauma. And by trauma, I mean my kid, because I heard Ben has one and I need to one-up him. Did I mention my baby mama is an alcoholic?”

Even if his ex is a friend of Bill, a restraining order and domestic assault violation are major red flags. But Des seems oddly cool with it...

I love how Brooks has to go to the rest of the group date in his awful shrunken dodgeball uniform. Here’s hoping he’s super hopped up on pain meds. Yep. He is. Logic says he’d get a rose for breaking his finger, but he’s so safe this week that it made sense to give it to Chris.

Also after he didn't get the rose I think he just peaced outta there. He probably told Des - "listen can you give the rose to someone else, I can't dance through a weird concert right now."

Wait, who is this girl giving this “private” concert? And can someone revisit the definition of “private,” because everyone can still see them dancing. Really cruel, guys.

Finally, we get to the girlfriend reveal! ABC is committed to doing things in the most awkward way possible. What was that phone call from Chris Harrison? Either way, Des is fired up! That’s right, gurl -- fire up the baby blue Bentley and handle yo’ bidness!

And the girlfriend belongs to... Brian. (Who’s Brian?) 

Brian is the one from Baltimore! And Stephanie has bmore written all over her. I wish I knew where they went to high school.

I feel really bad for this poor girl who allowed herself to be used as a tool to spice up what is otherwise a terribly boring episode. Once Des gives him the heave-ho, Brian is not just kicked out, but escorted off the premises by Pauly, the big scary Bachelorette enforcer. Is he like Bachelorette Secret Service, and he’ll protect Des for life?

Don't feel sorry for this girl Josh, she totally has a right to be pissed but she is hella crazy. I mean, am I the only one who heard my fav quote of the night..."Yes I did throw rocks at your face" ????? Also she got to take Brian's limo and he had to ride off in the weirdo security van.

Dear Brandon, please stop making Brian’s girlfriend about you and your mom. We get it. She was an addict. But you’re an addict too. You’re addicted to your abandonment issues. And you need an intervention.

Here, Here Josh. Well said! Other thoughts from about the men watching from the house -- 1) Is Brooks' cast growing? 2) Ben is so happy to be out of the hot seat (even though I'm still not sure how he got there). 3) Dan - who are you and where did your neck go? Did you ever have a neck?

And then we have the worst one-on-one date in history. I’d say that the Sean-AshLee Make-A-Wish Date at Six Flags was the worst one-on-one in history, but that wasn’t quite a one-on-one because there were two disabled teenage girls hanging out with them the whole time. But this Kasey date is pretty bad. They’re... dancing on the side of a building?? And then they go up to the roof of the building and... there’s a hurricane?? So during the hurricane, instead of going inside, you... jump in the pool?? I don’t understand any of this. Just please get to the Product Placement Group Date, because this is painful.

Honestly, I wish every date could be a Product Placement Group Date, because Des and the producers are really bad at coming up with date ideas. But holy shit, Juan Pablo. Who needs English? Hot is the universal language. I have a feeling he’s gonna stay around a lot longer than Armando-Ricardo-Eduardo whatever his name was (Emily’s spicy Latino).

I'm pretty sure Juan Pablo doesn't know where he is, or that any of this is being filmed. Also I bet he takes it upon himself to peace out after the FS date, I don't get the impression he's ready to settle down. Too many ladies to bed.

And wait - those Lone Ranger costumers swept Bryden's combed down bangs to the side and he looks so much cuter! I still really like Zak but I think Des is 'friend zoning' him (thanks, Sean!)

James you are filler and Des should send you home. The rose? Bitch please. I have no idea where Des is coming from sometimes. This girl has really weird taste. 

And Brooks cast IS GROWING!

Am I the only one that ain’t mad at Ben for sneaking off with Des? Don’t hate the playa, boys. Hate the game. Ohmygosh why are Mikey and Mikey acting like Ben is their boyfriend? Listen to how they’re talking to him... “I can’t trust you”... “I can’t tolerate being lied to”... I love watching boys try to get dramatic.

Michael and Mikey are so obsessed with Ben it makes me uncomfortable. Also, who's that pizza guy?

Brandon, Brandon, Brandon... you’re creeping America out. To say the words “I’m falling in love with you and we barely talk” is a sure sign that you’re nutso. And now I’m bored with you. You’re not lasting much longer.

How many bachelors can you fit in a hot tub? #hottubclowncar 

Ugh - Brandon, Michael and Mikey I hope you all get sent home. Is this the dumbest batch of bachelors or what? Also, I think (hope) that dress was a way too expensive Bridesmaids dress some mean bride forced Des to buy and she's just trying to find an excuse to get her moneys worth and wear it again - otherwise there is no excuse. That thing is hideous.

And... Brandon goes home, along with Dan (who is Dan?). Props to Des for getting rid of Brandon. She’s finally seeing what the rest of us saw in Week 1 -- that he needs some serious therapy. He so clearly “fell in love” with Des because he was looking for someone to cure his abandonment issues.

Brandon's fallen face as he realized he wasn't getting the rose was maybe the best thing I've seen this season. When he says what a horrible mistake this was does he mean Des not picking him or telling a girl he hardly knows that he loves her? Bst quote of the night -- (that I predicted before he said it) "I can't even cry...I'm just out of tears." You sure are buddy!

Til next week...
Fia & Josh

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