DES WEEK 6 - aka How is Michael still here?

JA: We’re finally in Barcelona, where Des is walking into cathedrals, presumably to pray for a husband.

Boy oh boy, Drew is...very metrosexual. I feel like he was disappointed that the one-on-one date was just “exploring” and not shopping for hair product. That boy is COIFFED.

And now, Des, let’s duck into this little restaurant for some Tapas ‘n Trauma with Drew. What’s it gonna be this time? Oh. An alcoholic father with leukemia. I guess he had to one-up those of us whose fathers are just hopeless drunks.

SA: I know Drew has a lot of fans out there - but I am not one of them. This was classic trauma for a rose territory. I think producers make them write down their issues on little cards during casting, give them back right before a one-on-one and say, 'use this wisely and you may make it to the fantasy suite.'

Is it just me, or was it totally weird that Drew was like, “in lieu of dinner, I’d like to drag you down this strange alley in a foreign city and french you against a wall.” This looks to me like he was watching prior seasons to brush up before his season started and he saw Arie do that to Emily in Prague and he clearly took notes.

Ya, except when Arie did it we all thought, 'oh yeah, give it to her'. And when Drew did it, it was just so perfectly planned as to make it kinda boring - like those outfits and perfectly gelled hair.

Midway through makeout, Drew’s like, “oh right! I forgot I was supposed to rat out James.” I love how the boys had a pact that whoever got the one-on-one was gonna let Des know “the truth” about James. If it were me, I’d come home the next day like, “Sorry boys. I was too busy going to second base against a concrete wall to do your dirty work for you.”

That's why you, Josh, would be the last one standing after the final rose.

This group date is soccer. In Spain. I get the strange feeling that someone here might have an unfair advantage...hmm...wonder who it could be. Oh, maybe it’s the Spanish-speaking former pro soccer player.

This is where we all though JP was gonna shine and they barely let us see him!!

James = worst goalie ever. I’m sure the other boys will use this to their advantage at some point in the course of the episode. “He’s not here for you, Des! He can’t defend the goal...OR YOUR HONOR!!”

I have GOT to figure out how to get ABC to subsidize my housing when I travel abroad.

Des and Chris are in her bed reading her bad airport poetry. Is that officially a thing? Scribbling terribly-rhymed jetlag verse on the backs of postcards and cocktail napkins?

Was this the one where he wrote her a poem or she wrote him one -- either way any gal whose accepts a dude's cocktail napkin poem without snark and then follows it up with her own cocktail napkin poem seems to be into said dude. I vote Chris for our winner. They look the most like a couple anyway.

This James confrontation is so so so so boring and I can’t believe they’ve been building up the whole episode based on this. I am so tempted to just fast forward to Zak’s date. Oh, and now they’re dropping words like “hearsay.” Like I said last week at our Umami Burger dinner, they have GOT to STOP with the whole Michael prosecutor bit. But, um, Kasey? You’re a bit out of your depth here using words like “counter-accusate.” Not a word, Kasey.

How you view this conversation between James and Des depends entirely on whether or not you believe James can cry on cue. She probably has to keep him though, at least for now, because otherwise the show doesn’t even have a hope of drama remaining.

This season is so boring. I think it may be because Des seems like a real person, any gal I think I could maybe be friends with in real life I do not want as my bachelorette. Can you imagine where this season would be right now if they'd picked Ashley????

Gotta hand it to Zak -- he did draw a picture of Des in the style of Picasso. But when that nude male model walked in, that’s when this episode really started to turn around for me. And once they get to dinner, let’s see what trauma Zak pulls out. Oh, so smart, Zak -- what beats the trauma card? The “I Want the Same Amazing Happy Marriage as My Parents Had” card.

I love Zak. He is such a sincere and happy weirdo. I keep being nervous she is going to send him home. Thank god this one on one went well.

And yet another James confrontation, this time with Drew. I need Des to either double down on it or send him home. But no. They’re gonna drag this out for the entire episode. And right on into the Rose Ceremony.

HOW DOES MICHAEL KEEP GETTING ROSES? THEY’VE NEVER HAD A ONE-ON-ONE AND THEY’VE NEVER EVEN KISSED (have they?!?)!!! Sorry I had to do that in all caps, but how do you keep Michael and get rid of three other people? Also, I’m not a math expert but this means there are five men left. Which means we’re ONE WEEK AWAY from Hometowns?? How is THAT possible?? I’m confused. So confused.

The fact that she kept Michael - the worst. And sent the amazing JP home is insane. In the words of my BFF and pun master Liana - a "Des-Grace"

More important question: why hasn’t Visine done product placement on the Bachelorette? That was the teariest, red-eye-est promo I think I’ve ever seen.

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