DES WEEK 2: trying to create drama when there is none

JA: As I live blog tonight’s episode, I gotta admit. Something about Des’s Frat House makes me really uncomfortable. Burning question: how far do you think they let Des drive that $150,000 car before they hitch it to the production wagon and drag it down PCH?

Okay, so Brooks gets the first one-on-one, and they go try on wedding dresses. Every guy’s first-date dream, right? He’s handling it well, though. This is actually giving me Ashley/JP flashbacks. He’d basically have to tell her he has heads in his freezer not to get a rose.

SA: And this is the first time we see Des play her well hidden crazy card. I thought she was taking him there to show him where she works - oh no, it's to pose together in wedding attire in front of the mirror.

And NOW we get to play “two white people in a Bentley get lost in the ‘hood” for… what reason exactly?? Oh, right. A bridge being blocked off by Production for a private dinner. You know, like you do. My first dates in New York basically consisted of me awkwardly shouting “I’m so glad you look exactly like your profile pictures” over the noise of the crowd at Republic while the NYU student next to me sneezes in my Pad Thai. #whyiamsingle Also Brooks, you had that rose even before your hard-to-follow Traumatic Parent Story. Just go to your private outdoor concert and make out.

Brooks is from SLC and where they don't have that scary, scary....graffiti. Also, this is where I admit I watched Bachelor Pad because they shut down this exact same bridge for Kalon and Lindzi's date. As soon as we heard that distant music I knew we were in for another classic bachelor franchise 'concert by a musician no one's ever heard of' - what I wasn't expecting was Des' rag doll dance. Brooks didn't seem to mind it though, in fact their lack of rhythm was quite compatible - final four candidate? 

I’m sorry. When Des talks about “juggling 14 men,” I get the shivers. Also, did you know that love is like hip hop? ‘Cause you just have to go with the flow? (Can Soulja Boy be my life coach?) Ten minutes into this segment and I do not understand this group date AT ALL. That was the worst, most incomprehensible group date ever.

I don’t recognize Zak with a shirt on. But let’s be honest. I also can’t tell any of these guys apart. Wait. I’m sorry. An antique journal? That a father inscribed to his daughter, but that the daughter never wrote in? I’m so so so confused. P.S. “right reasons” are tonight’s drinking game words.

Except for Brooks (who I actually like so I don't know why I'm giving him such a hard time), but his drinking game word is "lessons". He's really into them. As for this rap video - I have nothing to say, the cringes we all felt while watching speak for themselves. 

At the risk of alienating all of you, can I say that I kind of like shirtless Zak - I think he's funny, sweet and still manages to seem like a dude without trying to fight anyone else here. Don't get me wrong - he's no one I'd want to date - but compared to the rest of these clowns I wouldn't mind if Des kept him around for a few more eps. 

Also, did you know that love is like a butterfly? You hold it too loose, it’s gonna fly away, but if you hold it too tight, it’ll die? Held a lot of butterflies in your day, Brandon? And they are trying really hard to make Ben into Tierra, but I’m not quite buying it. For one thing, Ben looks like he’s in control of his eyebrow. Des, you CAN’T marry Ben and move to Dallas!! Sean is there!!!

Uh oh, here comes Brandon again. Is he turning into the AshLee of this season? We need at least one or two guys to be really intense. I’m still having a hard time shaking the memory of Emily’s Chris. Also, I love how Brandon’s like, “Crap, I need a rose. I was saving Heroin Addict Mom until later in the season, but screw it. I’m gonna bust it out now.” But it STILL WASN’T ENOUGH!

Brandon needs to leave like, NOW. And note to all Bachelor contestants - you cannot use your sob story card on a group date. These are only rewarded on one-on-ones when the Bachelor/Bachelorette is then required to pony up the rose so they don't look like an ass. Pull it out too soon and you may end up sharing your intense battle with diabetes with Des and Ben.

And now it’s Bryden’s date. Why are we over an hour into the show before Des reminds us how poor she was growing up? Also, I can’t help but think that ABC blew their whole budget on the Brooks date and they were like, “Okay, so we have enough money for you to drive yourselves to Ojai and to eat out of a gas station. Is that cool?” I wonder what Bryden’s trauma is. Oh, it’s a car accident. And he brought pictures of it. I know that they drink all their food on the Bachelorette, but those pics would still make me nauseous.

When you get your 'what to bring on the Bachelorette' check list I bet it includes 4x6 photo prints of the most traumatic thing in your life, then there's a little note that says 'make sure to have these on you at all times!!"

I thought the date was over, but now we’re getting nekkid in the hot tub. Go Des!! But can you tell she’s in that hot tub giving him “shut up and kiss me” eyes? It has got to be tedious hearing about childhood trauma after childhood trauma when all you want to do is just get to second base. 

I give her props for just saying it when he wasn't taking the hint. Tess pointed out that simple, farm boy Bryden is probs just nervous in front of the cameras. 

Des’s hair stylist hates her. Either that, or Des keeps asking for the same limp, unflattering blowout parted down the middle and the stylist doesn’t care enough to interfere.

Growing out your bangs is always a tough stage, but it's gotta be worse when you choose to do it right before you start publicly dating 25 dudes.

*sigh* And now diabetes???? These guys are the biggest boner killers ever. Wait, I’m sorry. Just because Ben walks over doesn’t mean Diabetic Steroid User has to stop talking to Des. Or does it? I need a rule clarification. Either it’s the rules or Des is so clearly into Ben that she doesn’t mind being rude as all hell to everyone else in the house. Do you think the big reveal is that that kid isn’t Ben’s son? If I were writing this show, that would happen.

Wait, WHO is this guy carrying Des through the house? Could you imagine guy after guy after guy trying to have weird third-date conversations with you the day after you meet them? Do you think there’s some PA whose job it is to prep Des for each guy? “Alright, Des. This next one is named Brian. He’s the one you need to talk to about past relationships.”

Brian is from Baltimore so I keep trying to figure out if there's anyway I could know him...sadly the answer is that I don't. Foiled again at my attempts to get the inside scoop! I predict it's his gf who shows up next week since they broke up so recently and he just said he thought it was over before it really was - maybe that means it's still going on.

Am I the only person who really enjoyed that Des busted out some high-school Spanish for Juan Pablo? He’s the obligatory spicy Latino of the season. What was the name of the one from Emily’s season? I don’t care enough to look it up.

The mushroom farmer! And the guy who said Emily having kids was a compromise, she said he didn't understand what he was saying and he was all 'no bitch, I know what compromise means!' Man, I miss Emily's season.

That was really not suspenseful. I’m reminded that this early in the season, not going on any date at all is pretty much a way to ensure going home. This crop of guys is also not that exciting. Like, I don’t see a single one of them who could be next season’s Bachelor. Do you?

No. Maybe they'll bring Jef in for next season. That I would LOVE to see.

Til next week...

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