DES WEEK FOUR: what's your talent?

SA: Sorry again for the delay...I promise I'll be better. Josh and I had lunch last week and he described these bachelors as 'a bag full of hammers'. It made me so happy I had to share. Here we go...

JA: Am I the only one who sighed very deeply when Chris Harrison said there were just 13 guys left? That’s still so many meatheads.

Why are they going to Atlantic City...in wintertime? Does Des just love piers and beaches that much? At least she’s in a sensible pea coat.

And now that Brad is getting the one-on-one this soon after his awkward talk with Des last week, I suspect that Zak W. is exactly right. Des just wants to get him back to his son and his restraining order ASAP.

Drink up, Des. This date is going nowhere fast.

During this entire date, including the part when they “stumbled” into a chocolate factory, I felt like I was having a Jessie Spano caffeine freakout. “I’m so excited...I’m so excited...I’m so...BORED!!” And if I’m this bored, Des has to be nearly comatose. Kiss of death: when Des says that dinner was great, which means she actually ATE the dinner. And we all know that when a woman scarfs down her dinner on a date, she’s over it. But my only question is: why take him all the way up to a romantic lighthouse to dump him? Couldn’t he have just gotten his dinner to go?

I say that you have to be really suffering to want to climb that many stairs just to get away from the awkward rose on the table. What they didn't show us is that now Dan is supposed to jump to his death off the light tower? Oh, he's not? Okay then it's just the most awkward walk down the stairs ever. And then...a cab? No limo for you Dan.

“I don’t feel like she rejected me or Maddox. She made the right decision for herself.” That’s why you’re going home, Brad. You’re way too reasonable for television.

What intern wrote, "I wanna love that will light up the darkness" for the lighthouse date card?

And now here comes my favorite group date of the season. But that’s not saying much because this season has been setting the bar incredibly low -- so low that an ant couldn’t limbo under it.

This group date has everything -- another pretty girl for the guys to ogle (you okay with that competition, Des?), an over-it gay pageant coach, Chris wearing heels, Drew struggling through some iambic pentameter. My favorite quote might have been Ben, though: “This Speedo’s small...it’s gonna bear a LOT.” That’s a great way to tell America you’ve got a big package, Ben.

You can see Michael and Mikey salivating at that line. They are so jammed they get to be on this group date with Ben.

I want a live-tweet scroll of what the mayor of Atlantic City is thinking right now. #yesplease

And backstage, the men are forced to grease each other. WHERE IS GREASE GIRL? Has she just been permanently fired due to budget cuts? Or maybe the men got together and decided they wanted to bromantically grease each other.

Zak grows on me every week. I think he should have been crowned Mr. America. Though Casey's tap dance was pretty good. Also, it's week four and I am finally able to *almost tell these guys apart.

These one-on-one dates really are a mixed bag, aren’t they? She goes on some weird boardwalk chocolate factory non-date with Brad, and then tours disaster areas with James. Ew. Emily Maynard just tweeted that James reminds her of Ryan from her season. You mean because they’re both kind of muscle-y and brown-haired? Because otherwise they’re nothing alike. Way to stay relevant, though, Em.

Maybe it's because they both have those beady little eyes.

Man, they spent a lot of this episode with that old couple, didn’t they? The Red Cross must have really pushed for all this hype from the show. Although I will say that the old man crying when they went through their restored wedding album was seriously and unironically touching. I kind of want the rest of the episode to just be them. I don’t want to see a weird cocktail party.

Yes, this old couple is great. But did anyone believe that Des and James giving up their date was spontaneous? Come on. But even though we had to spend the date with James - I liked this part of the episode - I mean an advertisement for the red cross is pretty admirable compared to some of the things this show has put us through.

I love how Des and James have this super touching Sandy date... and then he goes to tell her how he couldn’t keep his wiener in his pants... when he was 18. Why is he even telling her this? Is it because he has no drug-addicted mom or abusive stepdad or inability to properly metabolize insulin? Without any traumatic stories like that, he has to resort to confessing cheating on his girlfriend... freshman year of college??? This is reaching.

Agreed, totally ridiculous. I bet when you get offered a spot on your show they make you write out at least three traumas and then you have to sign a contract promising to bring them up whenever possible.

And at the cocktail party, Des has to remind us all that her family was poor. You’re right, Des, your family has gone through a lot. Like having a d-bag for a son. Did you forget that we met them during hometowns last season?

I feel like the one real moment of the cocktail party was Bryden going all Catherine from Sean’s season and starting to confront the actual non-TV reality of what it means to have feelings for someone. Or that could have just been yet another half-baked attempt to drum up suspense for yet another unsuspenseful Rose Ceremony. 

I was watching with my mom and she thought Bryden's out burst was more of a..."If I can't have you no one will...and then he kills her".

Obviously Zack K is going home. They didn’t even bother to show any of his Mr. America performance. And if they did, I completely forgot it, which makes it even worse. Although we did learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter. Is there ANYONE on this season who doesn’t have kids? Did Des tell the producers she really really REALLY wants to be a stepmom?

She did tell Dan and Ben that she would love it.

Next week: Germany, land of beer and two failed attempts at world domination.

xx, Fia & Josh

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