JA: Ohmygosh this episode is gonna have everything. Crying moms. Des’s coked out but logically sensible brother. Chiropractors. Men in skinny suits. Also, word on the street is that this rose ceremony will end in a crazy limo meltdown. Fingers crossed.
ZAK:
Zak is from the Big D!! Woohooooooo!!! (See how desperate I am to drum up excitement for this episode?) Like you, Fia, I do enjoy Zak and think he’s cool, but I just don’t see them together. No knock to Des, but I see Zak doing better. To make everything even cooler, Crazy Chris from Emily’s season is live tweeting this episode. #stillnotoverit
Also, am I weird, or is Zak’s face kinda shaped like Quagmire’s from Family Guy? Especially when he’s telling her about his weird dream. Okay, never mind; he had me at Sno-Cone. But please don’t give her a ring. That’s weird. It’s so weird.
SA: No, you are 100% right and now I can't stop thinking about it. Even though I love Zak he does have a tendency toward chipmunk cheek. I feel bad even writing that tho, because really the only thing I have to say about Zak is that I hope he finds love soon. When at the end of this ep he talked about how his life back home is a lonely life it just made me so sad. Thankfully guys who make it this far on the bachelor usually pull some serious tail once the show is over.
I would love to pay attention to these conversations Des is having with Zak’s “mom” and “sister,” but her sea foam-colored pleather jacket is distracting me. It’s so loud that it drowns out their voices.
Agreed re the jacket, howevs if you'd heard that convo with the sister you would know that Zak is in the friend zone and his little sis and Des both know. This isn't going to end well.
Now that we’re with Zak’s caffeinated family, get ready for their big break in music. Am I cynical, or does this song seem like their way to show America their Osmond-like musical stylings? Also none of these families EVER LOOK ALIKE. However, Zak does win my Most Improved award. For a shirtless “drilling fluid engineer,” he’s come a long way. I just wish he hadn’t given her what looks like a legitimate engagement ring.
:(
DREW:
Oh, and now we’re in Scottsdale, home of douchebags. No offense to those of our readers from Scottsdale (who I’m sure are lovely), but normal people seem to be a rarity there. Also, HOW IS DREW STRAIGHT? I know I have broken gaydar, but I’m just gonna keep saying it every week.
He is. He's gay. Come on, right? He just is.
My favorite Drew quote: “I’m in love with Des, but I still haven’t said those three magical words to her in that order.” So you’ve said them… out of order, Yoda?
I wasn’t feeling it from Drew’s family. Like, sure they’re all really nice people. But like. What’s so special about them? And when Drew talks to Des, I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. I don’t know what it is. I’m just really not on board. It’s not just my Scottsdale bias talking.
This sister thing is so exploitative to me. I don't like it. And I don't really like Drew. Sorry, Tess.
CHRIS:
Okay, I’m biased in favor of Oregon because it’s a beautiful place and one of the people I love most in the world is from there (why aren’t you reading this blog, Megan Densmore?). But it makes total sense that they’re playing youth baseball because Des loves to picture Chris as a little boy. She even said so moments ago.
This baseball thing was the cutest part of the episode. I know I said it last week (and the week before that) but these are the only two who actually look like a real couple. But Sadly, I don't think Chris is her guy in the end.
Oh, this stuff with Chris’s dad is so bizarre. I’m literally just looking at my keyboard as I type. I don’t want to watch this man do things to people’s backs and noses. This is so gross and unhot.
Chris’s mom is the Arie’s mom of this season. I love a mom that gets real. And that has real crazy hair and is clearly drinking.
Chris's mom is scary. Arie's mom was just a cool bitch. This mom is weird and possessive and does anyone else think Chris still has feelings for that ex he loved whom his family forced him to break up with? Thoughts?
BROOKS:
Wow, what is with Des and the Western boys? Arizona, Utah, Oregon. Did anyone else catch Des say she loves Brooks? Oopsie….
When Des unfurled that sheet of paper, I was terrified that it was more bad poetry. But either way, she wrote something for Brooks, and not for any of the other guys. That says a lot.
Brooks said as soon as he got home he stopped thinking about Des. This boy is over it. Also, Des gave him the legs around the waist hug which is a classic bachelorette when they are more into the guy than he is to them.
First of all, Brooks’s parents’ house is amazing. Okay, why do I unironically love Brooks’s family? Especially his mom, who I actually believe is his mom. Mainly because she says things to him like “you’re my favorite,” which is totally something a mother of multiple children would say. I’m just afraid of what Nate is gonna do to these guys.
And he bro who was like, 'can she hang with you?'. Despite the name tags, this family is great.
Everything Nate says is legit. I just wish it came from someone who wasn’t so cokey. And why do these producers have him creepily staring around corners and lurking behind columns...in the lobby of the Beverly Hilton? That’s weird.
That's like showing us a gun and then not having it go off, if Nate is lurking in a corner in the teaser as the guys are entering - I want him to accost one of them during the rose ceremony.
Sorryboutit…I’m fast forwarding through this Chris Harrison chat. #notreallysorry
JOSH. You have got to stop FF these. This is where Des always tells us how much she loves Brooks. How are you going to be as shocked as America when he leaves her (my guess) if you don't know how deep her well of feelings is?
Uh oh, here comes the most intense rose ceremony of all. So intense that it needs a red carpet. And apparently it also needs Des in a dress covered in glitter glue. Wondering if she made that herself.
Full disclosure - I like that dress. And with the exception of a few massive fails in the beginning of the season, and her shoes, I think Des might be one of the best dressed bachelorettes we've seen. #lowbar
Awww, so sad that Zak is leaving just as he had totally won me over. I know he’s been a fave of yours from the beginning, Fia, but it took some time for me to come around. That’s so crappy that he gets eliminated after his family sang that song and everything. But dear Zak, please don’t give crazy eyes on your way out. And did you hear Des’s word salad as she saw Zak off? “I’m getting rid of you because...you expressed yourself?” Tell the truth, Des. He weirded you out with that ring.
Oh, Zak. This monologue plus this music. It’s so epic and sad. And the “ring toss” at the end? Stroke of genius.
After Men Tell All I think we know that Juan Pablo is our next Bachelor but my vote is still for Zak. Stay strong, Buddy.
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