CHRIS // week one

"I feel so powerful" - Ashley S.

Okay, I shit the bed on Andi's season. I fell off the face of the earth. I stopped updating. It was totally my fault, Josh was recapping his heart out and I was just not meeting him at the plate. So, I apologize. We vow to be better. That means, we will always try to post, but depending on schedules, sometimes it will be just me, sometimes just Josh and hopefully often both of us.

Side note: both Josh and I are now professional recappers! We tried  and tried to get the sweet bachelor gig, but apparently that is such a desirable task that newspapers have writers on staff to do it. Nevertheless, you can read Josh's opinion of The Good Wife and my musings on Nashville at the New York Observer.

We both also write for TV. And we both have premieres this week. So, please, if you like our bachelor commentary tune into EMPIRE and MAN SEEKING WOMAN, our respective employers. We love them and hope you will too.

Now, onto Prince Farming. That is ABC's moniker for Chris. I hate it. I am also, not the biggest Chris fan in general. Last season, I was Nick all the way (until that unfortunate ATFR debacle). I recognize Nick may not have been a good bachelor, but was pulling for at least a Jef or Arie season, both of which would make for great television. No such luck. Prince Farming it is. God help us.

This show was three hours long. Had I not been watching with friends, I might not have made it. Can someone please tell ABC that a red carpet is supposed to start prior to an event and not at the time of said event, unnecessarily delaying everyone's bedtime? THREE FUCKING HOURS. My god. They are mad with power. And they are right to be, I don't even like this bachelor and I watched every goddamn second.

So we open on Chris and a bunch of old guys in a VFW hall talking about how, living in a town of 400 people, it would take Chris a lifetime to meet 25 women. Holy shit. They're right, my icy heart starts to faintly crack as I think Chris might be the only bachelor in history of this franchise who really did come on this show for the 'right reasons'. So it begins. I'm hooked.

There's never really much to say about the first episode of a season. A bunch of women show us who among them is crazy to begin with, and who will be driven crazy by the sadistic process that is living under the thumb of ABC and master manipulators, Chris Harrison and Egan Gale, for the next three months. In the former category (of the ones who made it through), we have the crazy-eyed pomegranate picker (Ashley S.), Kale's mom (Mackensie), and a super athlete (Jillian). In the later resides the beautiful widow (Kelsey) and the baby-voiced fertility nurse (Whitney). My favs for viewing pleasure are the drunken cowgirl (Tara) and the dirty joke specialist / dance instructor (Kaitlyn).

Hug Donater Britt got the first impression rose and an unprecedented first night kiss. Chris seems so comfortable with Britt and so uncomfortable with this process, I would wager if production asked him to stop the show and make a go of it with Britt, he'd say yes on the spot. Britt seems sweet enough, but giving out hugs to strangers on Hollywood Blvd. plants her firmly in the 'already crazy' camp.

These women have a tendency to grow on me as the weeks progress, and at this point it appears to be anyone's game. As far as real, smart women go, there don't appear to be any Sharleens or Andis here this season, but who knows, maybe Tara will surprise us.

I look forward to continuing the journey with you all.


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