CHRIS // week two

riding a tractor in a bikini: the daily fate that will befall whatever poor woman wins this season

JA: So first off, hello, dear readers. My apologies for not being able to be the Costello to Fia's Abbott last week. No excuses. But I'm back now, and ready to snark. (Thank you to my partner in crime, Fia, for picking up my slack last week, on her birthday, of all days.)

We open Week Two with a direct pickup from Week One, and it's apparently daylight (did the cocktail party last THAT long?), and it's apparently fine for Kimberly to walk back in and ask for a second chance at a rose. Desperate, party of 1? Your table is ready at the WORST BRUNCH EVER. Then again, maybe she decided that he got her confused with Drunk Tara and that she should have gotten that rose. Drunk Tara's rose was clearly sponsored by Jameson. Still, it's never a good sign when your first interaction with Chris is begging him to give you a second chance after you've already been eliminated. That's not how stories of Bachelor Ever After begin.

Sidenote: can we have a moment for Farmer Chris's gratuitous outdoor shower, where he apparently has no soap? Or loofah?

SA: Hi Josh! Welcome to my least favorite season I've ever watched. I think it's because I seriously do not like Chris. If you'll remember last week, my icy heart was maybe starting to thaw as I thought I saw a lonely lil farmer drinking beers solo in his one-light town. Well, that ship has sailed. In this episode, I wised up and realized that a man like Chris, someone who probably hasn't dated that much in his life, and is isn't looking forward to dating too much more in his future, is going to use a season of The Bachelor like a three month stay at the MTV Spring Break house. And that is not a bachelor with whom I would like to be friends. Juan Pablo may have been a self-interested jerk, Ben Flajnick may have been a stingy snob, and Sean Lowe was most certainly an uber-Christian tomato, but those men all knew that about themselves going in. Whatever weird issues Chris has with himself and women we will most likely discover along with him this season, and that makes bachelor mansion 2015, a dangerous place to be living.

Our first group date of the season has Chris and six of the girls on a strange "hoedown" date in downtown LA that involves tractors (clearly the show is saving money for all those international plane tickets later in the season). Will these dates all be farm-themed? Is the next group date going to be a race to inseminate as many cattle as possible in under two minutes? These girls were the best combination of bikinis, Uggs, and terrible wedges I've ever seen walking downtown. Anyway, Kim Kardashian Ashley I. wins the tractor race and gets some one-on-one time, and I'm bored.

I agree with Kelly. And again, you're smile is not fooling me Prince Farming. I am on to you.

Back at the house, Jillian and Megan sneak into Chris's house through the backdoor (while Jillian's own backdoor is hanging out of her underwear... zing!) and Megan wears Chris's helmet and does her best impression of someone without all their chromosomes. #mimosasforbreakfast Also, our first big trauma reveal is to all the girls, and it's Julia (with an E), whose baby daddy killed himself. This is a really heavy story for breakfast. Is it just me, or is the Bachelor shoving more and more death in our faces as the seasons go on?

OMG. I thought that was drunk Jordan banging her head into the wall. It's Megan? That's cool. Maybe I like Megan. She's never watched the show, she doesn't know what a date card is and she thinks banging your head into the wall is an appropriate way to spend an afternoon whilst being held hostage in a mansion and supplied with all the wine coolers you can drink. This, however, cannot beat drunk Jordan, who slept through the date card arriving. Maybe they actually did find these girls at the MTV spring break house.

Speaking of reveals, Mackensie (I prefer to refer to M as Kale's Mom, FYI) decided to reveal her son to Chris while they were out on an unofficial one-on-one. The kid reveal is always tricky, because it gives the Bachelor/ette an excuse to send you home RIGHT AWAY if they're not feeling you. "Yeah, I just keep thinking about Kale/Spike/Rocco back home missing his mom, and I know you miss him too, so I don't wanna keep you away from him any longer. The car's pulling up now."

BTW, Kale's mom is only 21 years old. Chris is 33.

And then there's Megan, who gets bubbly and a private jet and a helicopter and a Grand Canyon picnic. Jackpot. Some other poor girl is gonna have to jump off a building or rappel down a sheer cliff face. Luck of the draw, I guess. Then, Megan decides to tell Chris the story of her dad's death just as a plane flies very loudly overhead. Hey, Megs, why don't you tell Chris the story of how you broke into his house and banged your head against the wall for half an hour?

I don't even know what to say about that weird zombie paintball group date. I'm gonna leave that to you, Fia. Also I'm getting tired of Ashley S. being crazy for no reason.

Have you ever been at a party and some girl you sorta know, maybe a friend of a friend, corners you and starts breathing hotly into your face, sloshing white wine onto your shoes and talking about how similar the two of you are to each other. If you can manage to sneak away from the conversation, you see them do this same dance with another unsuspecting acquaintance and from an outsider's perspective you can see that what initially looked like stranger danger is actually just the result of drinking on pills. That's what's up with Ashley S. The girl graduated from Auburn, so she can't be as crazy as the producers and contestants are trying to make us believe she is, all on her own. There is some chemical crazy going on with this one. I don't mean she's not a loon, but it's not all her fault.

My favorite moment of the evening happened at the cocktail party, when it got real with Mackensie, Megan, and Kim K Ashley, who admitted that she was a virgin, and then Mac said what many women think is true, but isn't that true: "Guys love to take your virginity."

Kale's mom seems a little too into, "what guys love". Did Kale's dad tell her that guys also love not wearing condoms? I bet he did.

I'm gonna wade into some choppy waters here. I don't date women, so take this with a grain of gay salt, but I do know men. And I feel like the idea of honorably and excitedly deflowering an unspoiled girl is sometimes a thing that girls tell themselves a guy is into. I don't know many men walking around going, "...and it'd be great if she were a virgin." Ideally, many guys want a girl not to be too "experienced," but they don't want the pressure of storming the castle first. When a guy hears he's your first, he's probably thinking one of two things, no matter how pig-headed and idiotic these things might be:

1. This is going to hurt for her and generally not be good for me.

2. What if, after this is over, she stalks my life and thinks I'm her boyfriend?

Fia, feel free to disagree with me on any of those points, but my main idea is that a guy doesn't greet the news of a girl's virginity with automatic glee. Farmer Chris, though... probably.

I agree with everything you said. I've never met a guy who wasn't a huge creep, who was into virgins. In fact, I think a lot of men think it's a whole lot of unnecessary baggage (especially a 26 year-old virgin). Chris seems like a secret creep though, so he probably loves it. You know who else loves it? ABC.

And at first, I didn't believe Ashley was a virgin, but then she started kissing Chris and I could see that she makes out just like a virgin. It's ravenous and it's intense and it's magical, because it's all she's ever done.

This is where I do need to disagree with you dear J. While I do not think Ashley is a liar, and I believe her that a penis has never fully penetrated her vagina (sorry), thus making her a hetero-normative "virgin", I would bet dollars to donuts that she's had a penis in her mouth (sorry again). I'm sure she's given a hand job, that someone has gone down on her and that she's partook of many other sexual acts. But sure, let's go with it, she's a virgin. Also, Chris Harrison told us last week with glee that this season includes a virgin in the fantasy suite so get used to Ashley, she's gonna be here for awhile.

Speaking of making out, Chris is making out with everyone. Like, he's the opposite of Juan Pablo. All this house needs is one person with a cold sore and it's all over. So that made it all the more tragic when Chris refused to kiss Drunk Jordan. You know that's the kiss of death (pun intended).

Aside from Jillian mishearing the name of Julia (with an E) and eating it on the carpet, nothing really eventful happened at this rose ceremony. Kimberly went home (predictable), and Drunk Tara was sent on her teary way.

I liked drunk Tara. I like all the drunk girls.

P.S. Those of you with a hankerin' for more inside scoop on the Host with the Most, Chris Harrison, should check out Taffy Brodesser-Akner's awesome profile in this month's GQ.

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