Enjoy your flight

JA: It’s been a HUGE week in Bachelor Nation. I have so many things to say about so many things. I kind of don’t know where to start. Let’s begin with recent developments in Pervertgate, the scandal of Juan Pablo’s, shall we say, less than artful comments about gay people. In an interview with Good Morning America, he put concerns that he’s homophobic to rest with the following comment:

“I have a cousin who is gay. His sister is a nun. So it’s been around my house all my life. So, to me, it was a misunderstanding. It’s been hard because, to me, when I speak English, it happened to me two months of filming, sometimes the words that I used were not interpreted the way that they should be interpreted, or I use a wrong word. So I will go on my phone, Google and find the right word and do it that way.”

I mean… I just don’t know… I can’t even… so is he saying that nuns are lesbians? And what exactly do you put into Google to “find the right word”...? Fia, help.

SA: First of all, I LOLed and your comments, Josh. So way to get the week off to a good start. The grammatical mistakes in the ABC statement alone are enough to prove that ESL is a serious publicity problemo for el bachelor. Almost every episode he's asking one of these ladies to explain something to him, so maybe by "google" he actually meant to say "translation app"?

Then there’s THIS:

Radar Online is reporting that the eventual winner of this season is sharing nudie pics of Juan Pablo with friends. Like, super nudie. Like, excited genitalia nudie. And it’s only a matter of time before at least one of those pics gets leaked, because Internet. #stayclassy Who is gross enough to have done this, Fia? Andi? Clare? Also, this clearly means Juan Pablo just broke up with whomever won, right? This is going to haunt me for weeks!

Josh! Wash your mouth out with soap - how could you think sweet Andi could do such a thing? What that Radar online article tells me is just as I dreaded, crazy Clare is this season's winner. Because I really don't see Nikki, Renee or Andi sharing dick picks (I didn't include my fav Sharleen in that lineup bc I'm pretty sure she takes herself out the game soon. I also didn't include Chelsie bc who the F cares about Chelsie?). 

Now onto tonight’s episode. The first few minutes of tonight’s show made me want to drop everything and go to New Zealand. Just breathtaking. But for being “the most exclusive resort in the world,” those are the tiniest twin beds I’ve ever seen. I once lived in a pretty sad 80-year-old dorm with no air conditioning and my bed was still better than those.

Fia, I now know why Chris Harrison has been spending less time around Juan Pablo and the ladies -- because Renee is doing his job for him. She feels less like a contestant and more like a co-exec producer every week.

OMG getting Cassandra to talk about her son and then they both cry. Renee wins the gold at the bachelor olympics. Also, don't you think Renee kind of looks like Jenn Aniston? Is that was she feels so likable and relatable?

One thing I didn’t get was how all the other women were acting surprised at Andi getting the first one-on-one. She’s… the only one who hasn’t had one. (Agreed, that was insane. Does it mean that the other contestants weren't taking Andi seriously up until this point?)

I’m just glad some intrepid cameraman was there following them through those weird water tunnels. According to Andi, who had every right to be nervous, “If I just let my guard down and trust Juan Pablo, something really amazing could happen.” Yeah, like he could bone you under a waterfall. You are, after all, childless.

Though he tried to kiss everyone (except poor Kat) with lightning speed this episode, I still think the energy between him and Andi is a little different. He tells us that Clare is the one who gets him hot and bothered but he was all over Ms. A from the moment she walked into that boat.

And why are they eating dinner next to a geyser? The geyser didn’t ruin your dinner, Andi; you ruined the geyser’s dinner. And don’t insult the geyser and then try to make a geyser metaphor about your love “bursting through.” You can’t have it both ways. It’s clear that he wants her around, though. I had no doubt she was coming home with a rose.

Bach producer..."So, would you say you're love is like an exploding geyser? Please use the question in your answer. Thanks." ---> how the magic of this show is made.

I love the group dates later in the season, when things get more and more tense as the numbers dwindle. But Chelsie, there is absolutely no way New Zealand reminds you of Ohio.

“Ogo” or whatever that giant ball thing is definitely looks fun, but I don’t get how it’s a sport. And Sharleen’s strange frilly bathing suit looks exactly how I’d imagine Sharleen’s bathing suit would look. Speaking of Sharleen, I never saw her more excited than when they arrived at Hobbiton. As someone who made a Lord of the Rings reference last week, I CANNOT blame her. As if I needed anything else for her to be my favorite. She is a dorky and awkward opera singer. It would never happen, but I want her to be the next Bachelorette.

Please bachelor gods let Sharleen be the next bachelorette!!!!! It would be so amazing. Also, I would bet a hondo that she's the only one there who's not only read the LOTR trilogy, but even who knows the movies were based on books.

Dear Juan Pablo: please. Please. No more talk of Renee and Cassandra being your “special ones.” It’s clear now that you mean “special” as in “handicapped.” As in, “why’s my school bus shorter than all the other ones?”

In a Group Date Rose stunner, Sharleen gets the big prize. And Cassandra gets… sent home. On a seventeen-and-a-half hour flight back home to Michigan (I looked that up). ON HER BIRTHDAY. It is always so hard to watch someone get dumped, even from a fake reality show relationship. But the birthday thing is just the icing on the cake. The rancid, runny icing on the stale cake. Buck up, though, Cass. I’m sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea for 22-year-old former NBA dancers. I made a rule a long time ago that any heartbreak pre-22 (aka pre-college graduation) is just practice for life. Shake it off, gurl, and get back in there!

Poor Cassandra. Her career is behind her, she hasn't had a non-filmed first date since she was a wee 18, and now she's flying coach back to the states, footing the bill for her own mini bottles of pinot grig. Luckily, when the rest of us were 22 we were just getting started in this world of being an adult - if House Mom Renee thinks you can do it, there's hope for you yet! 

SIDENOTE: In the Broadway musical version of this season, I need Alice Ripley to play Clare. They look so much alike to me.

Speaking of Clare, they needed this one-on-one so we could all get the real aftermath of Vietnam. (I think it’s ironic how the word Vietnam now carries a whole other set of traumatic memories for Clare.) JP starts out with one last slut shame: “When you came over at 4am, you seemed so happy to bask in the warm glow of my wiener, so I couldn’t possibly say no to you.”

Then they both start walking it back. Actually, they’re not just walking this back. They’re moonwalking it back. “Kissing in the ocean”...? Why would that have been such a big deal after spending weeks slobbing down these women on three different continents? In an interview with ABC News this week, Clare had the following to say about her slut shame:

"Maybe at that time he didn't know exactly what he was feeling and he just felt bad about it," she said. "But again, we swam in his pool in his room and to me, that was more questionable than swimming in the ocean! That was my struggle."

Fia, weigh in. What do you make of all this? Do you believe Clare? Or were you just distracted by Juan Pablo’s Hammer pants fetish?

I think they had a long talk with producers before this scene took place and JP said, listen - I really don't want these Kindergarten viewing parties to know I had sex in the ocean. Generic bach producers said, "Ok, this is a family show, moonwalk that shit back, let's call it 'kissing in the ocean'" Then the date card arrived. Once they cleared the air - JP thought the next best move was to hang out with Crazy Clare at yet another one of his suites and cuddle on the couch? God damn - get this man to the fantasy suite already.

Oh, look! Chris Harrison is doing a pre-cocktail party interview with Juan Pablo. He still looks like he wants to punch the guy in the face, though.

This is when the cocktail parties start to get really good. Chelsie and Kat just did the math we’ve all been doing through the whole episode. They now see that this game is zero-sum. A rose for the other girl is a plane ticket home for you. 

But don't these girls know if the other ladies are so far ahead already that it's only a matter of time before both Kat and Chelsie will be gone? If it's that obvious they are the bottom two, the show only has one winner and there are eight women left...I mean srsly can we just say goodbye to both of them now?

First up, Chelsie does the insane desperate babble of a woman on the verge of being driven to the airport for a very long and uncomfortable red-eye flight. Is the “trauma” of her commitment-phobic ex-boyfriend enough to buy her another week? JP has spent all his time literally with his tongue down the throat of every other girl so far. And she’s babbling.

How does Kat step her game up? With a journal. And some trauma involving an alcoholic father. Nice try, Kat, but in the end, your Paternal Abandonment Hail Mary came up short. Kat’s going home, which is apparently a “good feeling” for Chelsie. The claws are out. 

Poor Kat, A rose ceremony is not the time to bring up a trauma. In fact a rose ceremony isn't time for much of anything as most bachelor/ettes know who they are sending home before they get there. I say if you feel you might be leaving, don't try to save yourself here. Just drink up, have fun and try to resist the psychiatric probe you will subjected to on the limo ride home to ensure those bachelor franchise tears!

Next week, it’s Clare vs. Nikki. Week Six was about the time when Tierra revealed in her meltdown that she has a rogue eyebrow, right? So these ladies are a little behind. Let’s pick it up, gals.


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  2. You're right, Fia. Andi would never do such a dastardly thing. She is, after all, an officer of the court.