JUAN PABLO WEEK 8.5 one man's dream is another woman's nightmare

Fellow ATLians Andi and Kelly the dog lover recreate Andi's "get the fuck off my eyebrow moment" on Instagram

JA: The drinking game phrase for tonight’s episode is “no cameras.” Juan Pablo, are you excited about no cameras on your overnight dates? Maybe say it a fifth time so we’ll really be sure.

Well, after a Hometowns episode that was the television version of Ambien, this was a pretty decent Fantasy Suites episode. I like that it started with Clare’s date, which is interesting because it’s post-Vietnam. The number of times she calls her Vietnam experience by the exact words “swimming in the ocean” tells me that’s her rehearsed euphemism for “rounding third base with Juan Pablo.”

SA: I take "swimming in the ocean" to mean straight boning. It can't possibly actually mean "swimming in the ocean" as that's all they did the whole day today and no one feels the need to have a talk about it.

Ten minutes into this date, Juan Pablo is already pulling out the key to the suite. Someone’s horned up, eh? JP wants in those panties bad, and the irony is that he’d have gotten into them a lot easier had he not slut-shamed Clare several weeks ago.

The best part of this is when she said (paraphrasing) "you slut shamed me in Vietnam for 'swimming in the ocean' with you and disrespecting your daughter so why should I now publicly accept your proposal for overnight sex?" And his response was (not paraphrasing) "this is week nine" which really has no bearing on anything emotional and further proof that it's JP's peen and not his heart that's looking for something on this show.

And here comes Clare’s confession of love. And Juan Pablo’s inability to say it back. I think Des got this so right in her season by inventing a secret code language she could use to tell Brooks she loved him. Remember, Fia? The “walking” versus “running” thing where walking equaled “I like you” and running equaled “I love you” and she told Brooks she was in a full sprint? Too bad JP doesn’t know enough English to come up with a metaphor for anything.

How could I forget? And remember when he was dumping her and she broke all the rules and just flat out told him she loved him? That ep was bachelor gold - this one is not far behind. I think in every fantasy suite ep one of the final three should choose to leave so we can see more of these real break-ups that have nothing to do with roses - but more on that later. Also, even if JP did understand Des's metaphor I don't think he's progressing towards these women with anything more than a healthy skip.

Now, we’re with Andi, awkwardly exploiting the natives of St. Lucia. Whose children are those? Also, anytime Clare says “I’ve never met Carla” all I can think is “Nikki has.” And anytime Andi says “I’ve never met Camila” all I can think is… “Nikki has.”

But would you have wanted to be on that weird daughter's recital date knowing you were still one of six women? I wouldn't. Also did Nikki not tell any of the other gals she met his fam? BC no one seems to realize that happened.

Is it just me, or does Juan Pablo love dragging Andi into waterfalls? Throughout this whole date I can’t wait to see how it all crashes and burns. I guess the crashing and burning is starting with all these language barrier moments, like the one where Andi has to explain the difference between “I want really badly to fall in love” and “I am forcing myself to fall in love with you.” But it’s good to know that Juan Pablo is spending time wondering whether Andi will “fit on his life.” The gulf between JP and Andi widens every day; just look at how Juan Pablo is talking to Andi at arm’s length. Juxtapose that with the day before, when he was talking to Clare from inside her bikini top.

(Sidenote: I would love to interview the PAs who have to prep the suites -- pre-pour the bubbly, lay out the condoms, write out three separate Fantasy Suite invitations that say exactly the same thing)

(Sidenote #2: This is clearly the season of the sensible maxi-dress)

Lay out the condoms! I am dying.

It’s so interesting how JP and Andi woke up feeling very different things about their night together. Like. Could not have been more different. JP: “I had a blast.” Andi: “I couldn’t wait to get out of the suite.” But we have to wait to see that fallout until after Nikki’s date.

Nikki. Dear sweet Nurse Nikki. That weird fringey bikini top… and those pants. It’s like paisley and Navajo prints got drunk and made a baby; I threw up in my mouth a little. Fia, please tell me something was wrong with my television set and that all of that wasn’t really happening in the same outfit.

I can't even talk about that outfit. That was just...not okay. To think she put that on knowing it would be seen on national TV. I mean, I just - there are no words. I must pretend it didn't happen in order to go on with this recap...

The editing this episode has been supreme, from JP's glowing review of her night with Andi straight into Andi's complete and utter horror surrounding the same event. This was perfect. Then I started to notice, JP seems like a dick on his date with Nikki. It's like they want us to see everything in his personality that Andi just described as a turn off. So here's my question - has JP been like this all season and they've edited around it to make him seem likable or did they just find some particularly dick-ish comments to use here? Get that condom PA on the phone so I can ask him. 

Oh god, Nikki just said she's so glad she wore pants since they are riding a horse, there goes trying not to think about them.

Listening to Nikki talk, it’s clear that Clare is so winning. This gets into Clare’s observation that she and Nikki are very different women. Nikki still has a 26-year-old’s sense of possibility. She’s still saying things like “Juan Pablo could be the one!” Clare never speaks that tentatively. Clare is north of thirty and she is feeling it. She has been the single one in her family for years and years. That’s a lot of lonely holidays with Laura (who I also thought was her mom) and the rest of the Von Trapp sisters. Clare is OVER IT, you guys. She wants a ring on it. She’s not even allowing for the idea that JP might not pick her. She is in it to win it. And also to spread around dick pics.

Our Andi breakup gratification is delayed even further by a weird conversation with Chris Harrison, which has turned into yet another English lesson. But I guess Juan Pablo should get some benefit of the doubt… he just said, “my English is not very good-looking.” Sigh.

Chris Harrison, whose eyes are looking particularly sparkly when pair with his baby blue shirt, HATES JP. It's written all over his face. He can barely be polite to this man, I thought I must be making shit up when Chris asked JP to elaborate further because "here in America like doesn't mean what I think you think it means". I was watching with Tess who called that out as borderline rude, however I do think it was a good question. The problem is that I don't think JP doesn't know what "like" means. I think he is just genuinely not in love with anyone and does in fact just "like" them. Maybe even "like, like" but who knows, esss okay.

So I’m of two minds about this Andi/JP breakup. On one hand, I feel like versions of this conversation have played out between men and women for five thousand years. And I think Juan Pablo saying “It’s okay” all the time isn’t the offensive dickwad thing Andi thinks it is; I really think he doesn’t know what else to say.

I think she wanted him to be more upset and he was like, "I really could not care less". Which understandably led to her wondering if he is taking this seriously. Which CH is wondering too. And now I am wondering and oh hell maybe this is why you don't let someone who didn't even get a one-on-one date last season be the bachelor. 

On the other hand, you can’t clean up “You’re here by default” by saying “No, no… what I said was that you barely made it here.” How has someone lived in America for this long and is still this idiotic with English? Please, Bachelor producers, please do not choose another person who can’t communicate. Communication is hard enough when both people have the same native language. That said, you can’t argue with Andi when she says that JP showed no curiosity about her or her life or what’s important to her. (Loved when he said, "Okay what religion am I? And she said Catholic and then he had nothing to respond). It’s as if she snapped out of her reality-show trance and realized how close she was to being engaged to this guy. And then she remembered that she was a district attorney with her whole career and her whole life ahead of her. My favorite moment was when Juan Pablo did that thing that he always does when he picks at women and moves their hair around and Andi said “Don’t mess up my makeup.” That said it all.

Mainly I think JP came out of this as a traditional Latin man. First of all the fact that he was still fussing with her and trying to be sweet with her when she so obviously HATES him was hilarious. But more importantly after she left his response was basically, I don't want a woman who is going to question me. 

Also props to Andi's dad for calling this one. Last week he said, "these are two people who are infatuated with one another, not two people who are in love" and that was f'in spot on. Because once the infatuation phase was over ("no cameras") Andi realized not only was she not in love with this man, she doesn't even like him. Eesss okay.

She was so articulate in that van on her way out about how she was still hopeful and still looking for love. That and Chris Harrison’s clear admiration just vaulted her to the front of the line for the next Bachelorette. After her van confessional, I’m on board. Don’t buy it? Ask our friends at Life & Style magazine:

Josh, I took your lead and had a secret beer with Chris Harrison where I learned he doesn't think Sharleen could handle being the Bachelorette because she didn't take to the process. If Sharleen is out, Andi is my choice too. Clare will win this season because I have a feeling she knows how to manipulate JP without fighting with him and they are both a couple of dums dums anyway so who really cares? JP was down with her family, they already had sex in the ocean - lets just put a ring on it and be done with this season.

I’m actually really excited for The Women Tell All next week -- looks like we’re gonna get answers to a lot of our questions!

I heard a rumor Kelly the dog lover confronts him about his homophobia. This is the only time ever I've been more excited for the WTA than the finale. Probably because this is the only time so many of the women outwardly dislike the bachelor. Can't wait!

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