JUAN PABLO, WEEK EIGHT "no love"

This is a friend of Mommy's you'll never see again

JA: Okay, I’m gonna go on record and say that this was one of the most boring Hometowns I’ve seen in a long time. Fantasy Suites should more than make up for it, because according to the promos, everyone just melts ALL the way down.

Nikki’s hometown was maybe the most uneventful hometown I’ve ever seen, which I guess bodes really well for Nikki, but not for good television. But I am jealous of that house… a dollar really does go far in Missouri, or anywhere that’s not LA or NYC or SF. I did, however, love the moment at the dinner table when Nikki outed that Juan Pablo gets to fly first class while all the ladies are stuck in coach. #bachelorsecrets

SA: I actually already knew the contestants had to fly coach bc Ali Fedotowsky mentioned it once on her bachelor blog, but not that I read that or anything. Not only were these hometowns boring, but I feel like they really snuck up on me. Is this season really about to end? Didn't Juanuary just start? Is it really about to be Juarch?

Even Nikki’s mom brought up the “mental connection” that she’s worried might not be there. Ouch.

I loved how Nikki's mom said, "Ok tell me what you like about him". Looking for like, one thing - and Nikki - couldn't do it. She couldn't think of one thing to say other than, "there's just something about him" which translates to "it's just competitive instinct to win a reality show."

Also, a lot of the focus (especially with Nikki’s and Renee’s dates) was on wanting to say “I love you” and being really scared to. According to Chris Harrison, he can’t remember another season when we’ve gotten this far and no one’s even said the word “love,” and I can’t either. Chris also said that Juan Pablo is partially to blame for that because he hasn’t done enough to openly show the women how he really feels about them in ways other than saying "I love you."

When did CH say that? Josh how do you always have the skinny on CH's opinions? Have you been watching with Chris Harrison in LA without me? Are you guys secret BFF? Do you go on hikes together where he tells you what he thinks of all the contestants. I mean, that would explain where he's been all season -- hanging out with you.

But yes, no one has said "I love you" which is really rare. It doesn't feel right to anyone and no one even seems that upset when they leave. In fact, I've yet to see a true ugly cry at all this season, only tiny mascara-less tears. 

As for Andi, I was prepared to love this date because I’ve been impressed with Andi these last couple of weeks. But your hometown thing is… guns? Really? In Atlanta, that’s the best we could do? I don’t know. I just hate guns so much. Like, so so so much that I can’t even snark about this. I hated it all.

I dunno, Josh. I hate guns too - but I thought it was pretty baller of Andi to take JP to a shooting range when she knows she's a killer shot and he can barely hit the target. And Nikki made him ride a mechanical bull - I thought these women were really turning the tables on a guy who treated them all like toddlers all season. You steal my nose - I'll fucking waste you, or at least emasculate you.

But you know what I didn’t hate? Andi’s dad. While Andi’s mom was living vicariously through her daughter’s Latin lover, Andi’s dad was having NONE of Juan Pablo. I’m sure none of her dad’s concerns were alleviated by JP’s word salad, either. Could you make heads or tails of what he was trying to tell her dad?

Best quote from Andi's dad, "We've got two wonderful daughter, one good son-in-law and (looking at JP) a visitor". Also loved how he asked JP why he went on the show. This guy is not fucking around, now we know where Andi got her smarts. 

And after all that, Juan Pablo left thinking that chat went really well. He’s really not all there. Here’s what Chris has to say about it: “I think we've seen throughout the season, especially with Sharleen and Clare, he's not great at reading body language and understanding the moment. He's missed a lot of cues and red flags and this is really no different. I think a lot of other guys would've come off that date thinking, 'Man, that was not smooth sailing.' But he's a little bit oblivious to that kind of stuff.” How often do you think Chris fantasizes about punching Juan Pablo in the face?

And again I would love to know where you and Chris Harrison are getting your post show beers.

(Also, sidebar, did you see that promo Chris and Juan Pablo did for the new movie "Need for Speed"? Chris is sporting a seriously cool haircut and some single-guy scruff!)

What? No! I have been watching on iTunes and missing all the bach themed commercials :(

Awww Renee and her adorable Little League son who is avoiding making any eye contact with Juan Pablo whatsoever. So cute. But this has clearly run its course. If Sharleen hadn’t gone home on her own last week, Renee would totally have been cut along with Chelsie. I don’t have a single doubt about that.

OK, I took serious issue with them waiting to let Renee see her son until she was with JP. Couldn't they have had a reunion off camera and then introduced him? This woman hasn't seen her son in two months and then shows up at his little league game with some stranger. Couldn't JP (or any of the producers) understand how uncomfortable that has to be for an 8yo? Since JP clearly already knew Renee was not the one for him, he should have known better than this awkward introduction. Even though I had no desire to see her hometown after Sharleen left I think JP should have said goodbye to Renee and gone to Chelsie's hometown instead, no reason to bring a child into this when JP already had two feet out the door.

And we’re apparently saving the batshit for last… Crazy Clare in SacTown. I’m not one to be cynical (who are we kidding -- yes I am) but this whole father-daughter dance story is just too much. It’s making my teeth hurt. It sounds like the first draft of a scene Jason Katims would have written. (That’s not a dig; I love Jason Katims, but even he would pull back on the sugar here.) That plus the rock throwing… I don’t know. I really wanted to be moved by all that, but I just wasn’t.

I seriously dislike Clare but she is the only one I actually see with JP. The other girls are just going through the motions. 

When they brought up swimming at Clare’s house, I could feel her and Juan Pablo have a brief and horrific flashback to Vietnam.

As much as Clare’s sister Laura tried to pull a “Des’s brother Nate” and sabotage everything, Juan Pablo is just way too into Clare for that to happen. Also, if Clare gets eliminated, that means that someone else is forwarding his dick pics to everyone, and at this point I just refuse to believe that.

From the trailer I definitely thought Laura was Clare's mom and that "Mami" was her grandmother. Also she said her other sister has been married for over 20 years. How old are these sisters? Also I think we know where Clare got the crazy from - hello Laura! 

I was hoping when JP could actually speak to someone in his mother tongue he might become a little more interesting but nope, just another boring convo about the weather. He literally said that Venezuela was "hot but not hot", Clare's mom then translated that into "tropical" which is exactly how people talk to JP in English. He says something vague and they guess at what he means. Girls - this is not a language barrier, the cerebral connection you are looking for is never going to happen. 

Not shockingly at all, Renee is sent home. But she looked smokin’ hot. Third or fourth place is traditionally a good place to get to if you want to be the next Bachelor/ette (Des was 4th place and, if I recall correctly, Sean was 3rd because he made it to Fantasy Suites), so Renee’s in a good position to headline next season. If she didn’t have the guilt of already spending this much time away from Ben, I’d say she’s a shoo-in. But she might just want to put this whole experience behind her. What do you think?

I think Renee is a little too drama free to be our bachelorette, also I don't see her leaving Ben again. I think Clare is the winner / dick pic sender and Andi is most likely the next bachelorette. Sharleen is still my top choice, but I just don't see them ever picking her to do it. I'll take Andi though, she's got the glow and I'd love to see Hy with her final two gents. Let's fast forward to that now. I am so over Juarch.