kaitlyn // week eight

  

Mmmm... boy tears.

Sofia Alvarez: Even though he's my favorite, the one-on-one with Ben H. is pretty boring. We all know that this is a two-horse race. As fast as they try to speed us through the other men, we can't help but to roll our eyes. We all know, that unless Shawn and Nick kill one another in combat, there is no way any of these other dudes are taking home the final rose. Don't sweat it, Ben H. you're odds are looking good for #bachelor. Also, #calledit.

Josh Allen: You did, in fact, call it. You are basically the Joe Biden of Bachelor Nation. Yeah, there's no way on earth Ben H wins. But as I've said before, if Ben H is revealed to be the next Bachelor, it might be too late by then for me to join the house, but I will certainly show up to The Women Tell All in drag and just slip in with the rest of the ladies. I bet you no one notices. 

Also, tonight's drinking game word is "time." Everyone's desperate to get "time" with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is upset about the "time" she spent with Nick in her bed. I also love how K just keeps cancelling cocktail parties left and right. She comes into the room like, "I've already had plenty of free wine in my hotel room, so I'm ready to hand out some roses. Mmkaythanx"

What producer is such a big fan of hide and seek? Unless it's within the content of babysitting a child, no adult has ever chosen to play this game voluntary. I guess this is the lazy producers go-to activity for dates with 0% chemistry. See Andi and Chris on multiple occasions.

Kaitlyn to Ben H.: You are lovable, I just don't love you.

I did LOVE Kaitlyn's face after Ben H. told her they would, "talk all night" in the fantasy suite. She was like, "Honey, the only reason I would keep you in to get some of that sweet, sweet Ben H. loving. If I'm gonna spend six months engaged to Shawn and his red face, I need to go in with some reserves in the spank bank."

I also love that she asked him if he was a virgin. Kaitlyn literally says whatever is on her mind and I love that about her. Get all your questions out now sweet cheeks.

So agreed. The crazy thing is that I wouldn't have been completely gobsmacked if he had admitted to being a virgin. But after the hot pile of drama that was made out of Becca's virginity, I kind of can't deal with any talk of "waiting until marriage." 

In classic Bachelor fashion, Kaitlyn takes the two guys who are locks for overnights + the filler guy on the group date. At this point in the process, one-on-ones are reserved for those you are deciding between. In this case - who would I rather have sex with and send home in the same week: Ben H or Jared?

I would rather bang Ben H, but there's no way I could send him home afterward. I therefore vote for a Fantasy Suite night with Jared. I don't find Jared attractive in the least, but he seems like he's got a fun sense of humor, so we could definitely play a rousing game of Parcheesi until I got drunk enough that his looks didn't matter.

I don't really understand how upset Joe was at Kaitlyn after being rejected. Joe could have used a lil bit of Tanner's self-awareness. Joe, buddy, there was no way you were into those drawers. Have you seen the chemistry between K&S, K&N, K and every other guy here who is not you? She literally cringes when he kisses her. I mean, Joe, let's be real - you've never gotten a one-on-one date, you are done, son! In the best worst exit line of the season, after walking away, sans hug, Joe quips - "what do I do now?" I guess they couldn't get that white loser van close enough to the park for his liking.

Joe was never ever ever going to win. I can't believe he even got this far. You could tell from Kaitlyn's body language during that awkward bench chat that this was the end of it. I honestly thought Kaitlyn was going to pull a Chris Soules last week and just send JJ and Joe home at once. I never understood why she kept Joe around for one more go-round. I could see if she was being kind and wanted him to be able to see another nice destination, but they are STILL IN IRELAND.

I feel bad for Kaitlyn that the producers are forcing her to tell Shawn she had sex with Nick, mere hours before she is contractually obligated to have sex with Nick again. What is the point of this? To see if that blood vessel in Shawn's forehead actually bursts?

This is where I take serious issue with these Bachelor producers. (Yes, this is apparently where I draw the line. You can see how long a leash I give these producers.) Turning Kaitlyn into the Whore of Babylon is a desperate move, especially considering that they effectively structured the entire season around the "event" of her sex with Nick and subsequent slut-shaming. She didn't even seem that drunk to me when she decided to do it. It seemed like it took several long conversations with Bachelor staff to break her down to the point where she was convinced she was a woman of loose morals. But this Cersei Lannister Walk of Shame is on a whole new level. Making her tell Shawn serves no purpose other than to make Shawn hate Nick even more than he already did.

You've gotta hand it to him that he handles it pretty well in the moment, before raging out later in the episode, after he's had time to sleep on it, and the blood vessel's had some time to rest.

Yeah, I never found Shawn that attractive to begin with, but all this roid rage over Kaitlyn banging another dude (or even looking at other dudes) is annoying. I love, though, that Kaitlyn held her ground and was like, "I want to explore relationships with other people. I really shouldn't have said that thing I said to you in San Antonio. That was shitty of me. But I'm not sending everyone home three weeks early."

And then, in the most surprising twist of the episode - Jared, Jared, the one-and-only rat face is sent home. I was blindsided by this. BLINDSIDED. I realize others might not care about this as much as I do. Jared v Ben is the equivalent of the world cup game the 3rd and 4th place teams are forced to play after they've already lost in the semi-finals. IE, who really cares at this point. But, come on, guys. JARED! I know it's an impossibility at this point, but if Kaitlyn ever had a shot at a lasting marriage with any of these men, it was with Jared! They have a fun, easy chemistry and unlike the others, she seems wholly comfortable with him. He doesn't make her nervous in the right wrong way. He makes fun of her. She's into his rat face.

Here's what I think: knowing neither Ben H or Jared would last another week, the producers urged K to keep Ben because he's a more viable candidate for bachelor and they want him around longer.

I completely agree with your assessment. Jared was never going to be Bachelor. He's too niche. Ben H has a broader appeal. He's taller, better-looking (sorryboutit, Jared), and would wear heartbreak like a custom glove. As for Kaitlyn, I think she's thinking about who she wants to be her boyfriend now, not who she wants to be her husband later, which I suppose is one strategy. Isn't Jared going to paradise, though?

Later in the episode, Kaitlyn and Nick do something that makes her skin look amazing and eat Canadian bacon. Shawn continues to rage as the blood vessel hangs on by a fucking thread.

On to next week, when Shawn will definitely ask Kaitlyn if his peen is bigger than Nick's.

Can't wait. I mean, we only have evidence from how happy Nick is making these ladies in bed, but I'm willing to take bets. 

PS No offense to Canadians, but on this one occasion, I have to side with one Nick Viall: you can't call it bacon if it's ham. That's confusing.