kaitlyn // week seven

Goodbye, Cupcake. We hardly knew you.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is “reassure.” Or “mistake.” Actually, “mistake” sounds like it’s going to be the drinking game word every week from now on.

Hometowns are supposed to be next week and there are still NINE dudes. There’s going to have to be some sort of Red Wedding this week, right?

Technically, in old school bachelor land - hometowns are in two weeks, it's only because we are in these weird mash-up episodes that it seems so close. But yes, there is currently a lot of dead wood circling K. The thing I did love about this ambush is that it's proof you eat AFTER the dates. And the fish laid out at every sweetheart table is just a prop.

Okay, I tried to give Shawn the benefit of the doubt because he seemed to have genuine feelings for K-Dogg and because he’s the poor man’s Ryan Gosling (like, the really poor man). But this hotel room ambush is not cool. He asks her point blank, “Are you in love with me? Yes or no?” She clearly wants him to stay but she makes it clear that he has to decide whether he can handle watching her date other guys. And it’s a very hard decision since after their talk, Shawn sat outside for what appeared to be twelve straight hours. Gotta be honest -- he’s starting to annoy the hell out of me. What did he expect her to do with all these hotel room visits? Did he want her to just send every other guy home and end the season three episodes early? Had he already sat down with Neil Lane and picked out a ring? Yeah. Didn’t think so. Shawn, you’re on a television show. If you didn’t want to deal with this insane process, then you should have just downloaded Tinder and gone on a bunch of awful first dates at Thai restaurants like the rest of us.

I agree completely. I know we are in fantasy land here but, my god, is this is a preview of the life with Shawn to come: get. out. now. I can already see Kaitlyn coming home late from dance class, a bi-sexual fellow chorus member on her arm. They are laughing in K's signature way as the guy regales her with a dating story from his weekend. Shawn watching through the window - holding his signature Guinness, steaming. Kaitlyn, jokingly, smacks her friend on the ass, then he hers. Shawn busts through the door and KILLS THE MAN. Kaitlyn starts to cry, "he's gay! Shawn, he's gay!" Shawn hulks out, "I don't care, no one touches my woman."

And now it’s JJ vs. Joe. I absolutely love two-on-ones. The pressure of direct competition usually makes people insane and forces them to deploy their craziest stories of personal trauma. Usually. This was the fastest, most boring two-on-one in history. Like, I don’t even think they finished that one glass of rosé.

Kaitlyn on Joe: "Joe is a real treat." This is what you say about someone whose genitals you have no interest in ever seeing.

Joe seems like a perfectly nice, sweet earnest guy. He doesn’t seem to have much in the way of a sense of humor, though. Like, I could never imagine him making JJ’s corny Bono-U2 joke. Joe also had no personal confession of infidelity to make Kaitlyn feel like their relationship had “progressed.” But in the end, JJ has a daughter. Oh, and he’s in love with Clint. Kaitlyn decided that it was therefore best for JJ to just go away.

I do feel bad for Joe that he thinks he's falling in love with Kaitlyn when they've never even spoken. I hope this raises his stock in Kentucky and he finds a nice, pretty girl when he goes home. I think I've said this before, but Joe is like the really nice guy you sit next to in science class. You don't want to date him yourself, but you're always trying to convince your single friends that they should.

This was also the longest, most drawn-out cocktail party/rose ceremony. I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn had no idea Tanner was still there. I feel bad for Ben Z, though. I’m not sure why Kaitlyn booted him over someone whose nickname is Cupcake.

I love that Tanner, knowing he was going home and not caring, was just watching the drama play out like the rest of us. I think he even said, "I can't wait to see what happens between Nick and Shawn." Me too, buddy, me too. Also, when she sends him home, they don't even interview him. Tanner, you did it right - made some friends, did some traveling, now, maybe, you'll get to go to paradise. I do feel bad for Ben Z. though, how did Cupcake make it longer?

Okay, Kaitlyn and Jared’s road trip is pretty adorable. I think I giggled. #newfrontrunner

I liked it too. I like how comfortable they are with one-another. I like that he makes fun of her. I regret having referred to him as rat face for the first have of the season. But, I don't think he makes it further than top three. Which is a shame because I think that K&J might possibly have the best long-term potential.

In another game-changing bombshell, Chris Harrison announced that only three guys will survive this week and go on Overnights… in Ireland. I’m used to Overnights happening in tropical locations, i.e. sunburnt sex with sand still lodged between your toes. This is a huge move on the producers’ part. Or it’s budget cuts.

It really seemed like Chris Harrison was punishing Kaitlyn with this. I thought it was because she had sex with Nick already and now they were trying to force her to have sex with everyone else, which I hated. But Sharleen Joynt makes the point in her recap, that they are actually punishing her for sneaking out to visit Shawn a couple of weeks ago. Many leads have talked, post-season, about how they're are really only two or three guys you're into and everyone else is just filler. No lead, whether you like it or not, has made that more apparent than K. But I think we should still go through with hometowns, Shawn is acting like such a little bitch, that he might just implode. And I would have loved to see Ben H's fam, which we are obviously, now, not going to get to do. Overnights will be Shawn, Nick and Jared and then Jared goes home. It's a damn shame, but that has to be what's happening.

This one-on-one with Cupcake filled me with a heavy sense of dread from the very beginning, especially since I know it will end with Cupcake bawling on a sea cliff. Kind of reminds me of when Chris Soules left Kelsey and Kim Kardashleyan to wander the South Dakota wilderness. There is no romance whatsoever to this date. They should be huddled close, making out as the sun sets over the Irish Sea (that’s what I’m looking at, right? The Irish Sea?). But instead, Cupcake’s trying to convince Kaitlyn that she’s just scared. We’ve all been there with someone who checks off all our boxes. I mean, Cupcake is a very handsome, seemingly very sweet gay dentist from Nashville. What’s not to love?

I hated how he was trying to blame it on her. I saw a rotten side of cupcake here. Um, honey, just because she doesn't want you, doesn't mean she's not ready. Pretty sure based on this exit interview, Cupcake was a wolf in baked good's clothing all along.

P.S. Is this a thing now? Every season a contestant has to be abandoned by a helicopter and then have a complete nervous breakdown while a producer awkwardly stands 18 inches away? That girl was SO close to him.

P.P.S. Next week, ABC apparently makes Kaitlyn confesses her Nick sex to every single guy over and over and everyone cries. #shame

Do you think that nun with the bell from GoT is avail?

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