kaitlyn // week four

THIS guy is back... and he's coming for you, K-Dogg...

Josh Allen: “That tie goes really good with your shirt” has to go down in history as one of the best breakup lines in Bachelorette history. The only thing is, it was a breakup between two guys. As any student of the Bachelor/ette franchise knows, the real relationships on the show are between the contestants. Whether or not the JJ-Clint bromance was at all real (and people have written extensively on this), it made for riveting television, as did JJ’s subsequent emotional breakdown. We’ve watched these two men find a connection neither of them thought was possible (and that confused even Chris Harrison), but when faced with the choice between standing up for Clint and throwing him under the bus, JJ chose to betray his boo thang, and now has to live with the consequences.

Spoiler alert: the consequences are a free trip to New York. (Kudos to Tanner for his line about Bro-back Mountain becoming Bro-back Volcano. I’d like to think that line was not fed to him by a producer. 

Sofia Alvarez: I liked the "you're a dick" algebraic formulas Tanner was spouting. Tanner and Kaitlyn have no connection, but he had a good week for screen time. I also always love the "loser van" that pulls up for contestants eliminated pre-rose ceremony. The producers think Clint (and Koopah) are a pieces of shit, and they want everyone at airport drop-off to know it!

JA: All told, I’m happy for Kaitlyn that she saw through Clint the Meathead Manipulator. I would say I am going to miss him, but Nick V is on his way into the house, so I’m not that upset.

SA: There's something about how easily Clint lies to Kaitlyn that creeps the shit out of me. I've talked extensively with one of my friends at work about who is the shadier guy: Clint or Nick. I'm #teamnick, always have been. To me, he seems very upfront. He's confidant and goes after what he wants. Yes, he's selfish, but that is the least of bachelor crimes. I think the main reason people don't like him is because he really doesn't seem to care if they like him or not. JJ must have happily shit himself when Kaitlyn announced Nick would join the house. JJ is out of the hot seat and a new season villain has been crowned.

JA: Is it just me, or are Rose Ceremonies (or the lack thereof) becoming increasingly anticlimactic on this show? The most dramatic eliminations are happening randomly at cocktail parties. Did you see the looks on the guys’ faces when Kaitlyn said there was no Rose Ceremony?

SA: With this many dudes, I'm sure Kaitlyn doesn't see a connection with all of them and we probably could have gotten rid of some more dead wood. But, two guys did already leave this week. Since production had the correct amount of coach tickets to NYC - why make K stand in heels any longer than necessary. I think rose ceremonies are boring and was glad we got to skip.

JA: Britt and Brady are walking Ambien and I just can’t with them. At all. Does anyone care about Magenta and Scoop Neck becoming boyf and girlf? Like, anyone?

SA: Heard a rumor they were dating prior to the season. More likely, I think production stacked the deck with one "Britt winner" and one "Kaitlyn winner" on that first night. I'm sure Brady was prompted to go find her, and probably signed a new contract during the ride to her hotel. Had Britt won the vote, I bet Shawn would have run out into the night to find Kaitlyn and we'd be seeing the same boring shit between those two over the credits.

JA: I never in my life thought Doug E. Fresh would be leading a Bachelorette challenge, but I guess dreams do come true. The guys have to battle against each other with rhymes. Doug E. Fresh was real cute when he called that audience a “New York crowd.” The “New York crowd” ABC managed to find consists of the whitest possible group of tourists girls. #thuglife

SA: I think it's mean to make Jonathan compete in this rap challenge against all these whities. He's expected to be better than everyone else because of his blackness, which is racist. And then if he's not better it's doubly embarrassing. lose-lose.

JA: This is quite possibly the worst rap battle of all time. I don’t think we can actually use the words “rap” or “battle” to describe what went on. Maybe Jonathan gets points for rhyming “Florida” with “bored’a ya”? Maybe? Although I did enjoy Justin’s Alzheimer’s joke in his rhyme about The Notebook.

SA: Corey brought it in this challenge! Who knew that old investment banker had those skillz. And he was wearing that weird shirt? And that hat pulled down low. I saw a whole new side to this old man. I still wouldn't want to date him, but I would definitely be friends with him and invite him to dinner parties. He is the perfect amount of weirdo.

Also, the Justin "mole-pimple" group date rose was totally out of left field. I think she only gave it to him because he said that he was okay with Nick joining the house.

JA: Fia, I know you love Nick V, like til the end of time, but every time I look at him, the slime just drips off. There is no part of me that trusts him. If Nick was truly into Kaitlyn, and had the ability to fly to wherever she was, he would have done it already without cameras rolling or the promise of another world vacation. She said they’ve already “struck up a relationship over social media,” which means they sent one or two DMs on Twitter. My rose for the evening goes to Ashley (the kooky one, not Kardashleyan), who apparently styles hair in Alphabet City…? Anyway, she correctly pointed out that what Kaitlyn is feeling for Nick is probably just curious lust. I’m pretty confident Nick just wants to put his wiener in as many Bachelorettes as possible.

SA: I love Ashley S too. And was happy to see the real side of her. And yes, I agree Kaitlyn probably just wants to get jiggy with Nick. But she like, really wants to. You can tell how much she likes him because on her date with rat-face, she still wanted to talk about Nick. You know when you are bringing a dude up when they aren't around you are smitten as hell. Also, this Met date was way more high-end than usual. Getting to have dinner in the Met at night is a baller date. Do you think K is getting this star treatment because they saved so much money on Chris' Iowa dates?

Oh god, Jared, the poem. Please, I cannot take another season of poems! Nick has dried Kaitlyn's vajaje to any other guy. She used to get down with Jared, now she's bird pecking him.

I used to like Shawn but he is getting a little too intense too soon. Take it ez, Shawn.

JA: I agree about Shawn. He's getting a tad possessive. If he's not careful, he could approach Chris Bukowski territory. I can’t even concentrate on this dumb Broadway date. If Ian has “pipes,” then I’m Placido Domingo. I don’t even know why they forced these boys to sing a showtune when the walk-on role was literally a walk-on role. Is it because giving them any actual lines or performance would have forced them to join the union?

SA: Yeah, making them sing was just to humiliate them. Clearly they were only going to walk by a flower cart onstage. Those people paid good money for those tickets. Broadway is expensive as hell. Also, Cupcake wins this year's Drew from Des's season award for the contestant who is a full homosexual and not pretending otherwise. Do you think because we got a commercial for a Disney musical, we don't have to suffer through a commercial for a new Disney movie this season?

JA: I hope for the sake of my dreams that Cupcake Chris will say, though, that Chris looks good in his Aladdin getup. Chris is one of those boys that’s like a bag of kettle corn. You enjoy eating it, and it’s tasty, but when it’s over you feel like you’ve basically eaten nothing.

SA: This homeless plastic bucket drummer on the corner is a SAG-AFTRA actor. There is no way that same drummer has been there for the week they filmed in NYC.

JA: I won't player hate on anyone who's just trying to earn enough for health insurance.


  1. Nick v 4 life! He may be slimy but that man knows how to work it. Or it could just be Bach goggles...

  2. bach goggles kill, fuck, marry: kill most of them, fuck nick v., marry ben h.