kaitlyn // week five

My name is Ian and my brow is furrowed. Because I'm interesting.

Josh Allen: Tonight’s drinking game word is most definitely, as my friend and colleague Attica Locke pointed out, “connection.” So many of the guys have talked about the genuine connection they’re building with Kaitlyn, and I’m excited to see which one of them makes a genital connection with her next week.

We left off with Nick Viall’s dramatic return to living out of a suitcase with at least a dozen meatheads. No one is feeling Nick at all, and the producers have dramatized this visually by seating all 14 bros on the same side of the room. In a particularly shady moment, Tanner calls out Nick’s recent get-together with Andi. Fia, any intel on what went down in THAT meeting?

Sofia Alvarez: These guys are throwing so much shade at Nick. And I get it, I do. I'm sure if I were a contestant on the bachelor and some chick from last season came waltzing back in, I, too would have some closed door bathroom gossiping to do. But at this point, guys, he's in the house. Can someone at least be polite? Can someone defy the producers and go sit next to him on that couch? Come on boys, play nice. Kaitlyn probably only likes three of you anyway.

Here’s my thing about Nick: he says he hates rose ceremonies and cocktail parties, but he could have avoided all that, especially since he already had contact with Kaitlyn before she was the Bachelorette. Or do we think that by the time they connected, she had already signed on for the season, and so the only way he could talk to her was with cameras rolling?

Yes, my opinion is biased because we all know last season I was Nick's #1 fan. But, it is crazy that I buy his logic. They had some steamy texts. She was chosen as Bachelorette. We all know Kaitlyn's dream was to be famous (that's not slander, she references it almost every episode: Broadway is my dream, comedy is my dream, dancing is my dream.) So, I understand that she would not have thrown away the opp to be bachelorette to roll the dice with some random dude after a few texts. Therefore, I think this was the only way he could meet her / try to date her. Also, being on this show is a drug. The love feels different here. Also--and I know this is the beef many have with Nick--he keeps saying the right thing. The "you had your chance" logic some of the other contestants throw in his face makes no sense. Sure, if Andi had pulled a Brad and was back for round 2, yes, okay, Nick had his chance. But it's a different person! Nick is in the right on this one. I'm over him as my boyfriend (I am all Ben H. now and forever) but if he wants to make it work with K, I say go for it. More Ben H for me.

Did Josh have brain surgery during this episode? Why is half of his head shaved?

Speaking of rose ceremonies, why is this one happening outside at Citi Field in the middle of what appears to be November? Although, like a proper future Bachelor in Paradise cast member, JJ makes the most of it and carries Kaitlyn around the bases. These two have virtually no romantic connection (mainly because JJ probably still has a boner for Clint), but JJ makes for great bro-ey television.

It is so fucking cold on that field. I was in NYC this winter and I can tell you for sure that those men are freezing. This looks a lot like torture to me. I hope they all have heating pads in their shoes. Why couldn't they put coats on for this? You can pin a rose to a coat, just as easily as you can to a suit jacket. So everyone looks like they are dying except the 50-year-old investment banker who has an odd calm about him. Further proving that he is a robot. I am sad that he's going home, especially after he dropped those sick beats in the rap battle. But at least since he lives in NYC, ABC can save on his air fare. Do you think they made him subway home from CitiField?

Shawn has declared Nick, "he who can not be named."

Ben H gets a date involving a pickup truck and honky-tonk dancing. Fia, I recall the moment you decided he was your Bachelor boyfriend. Because now you’re going to have to fight me for him. Is “Quick Quick Slow Slow” an actual song? Or just a way to remind Ben and Kaitlyn of the dance moves? Anyway, after they’re mercifully removed from the dancing competition, it’s time for Ben to reveal his personal trauma. Can anyone break down Ben H’s word salad about his ex-fiancée? Apparently, whatever he said counted as “opening up” but I still have no idea what he was talking about. But who cares? Look at those dimples.

I love this date. I love Ben H. (Hands off, Josh. I called him back in week two, I was so early on the Ben H. train that I tweeted at him back when he only had 1,000 followers! he didn't respond, but still...) I also think that Ben's resistance to open up, seemed a lot more like a resistance to open up on camera than it did to open up to Kaitlyn. I am also a little concerned that my only two bachelor crushes of all time are both software salesman. I mean, that's not a popular job, is it? Should Adam be concerned if I were ever to meet a software salesman? Are software salesman my type?!?

Behind the scenes realness. Here is a text convo between me and Josh on our mutual love for Ben H.--

I can’t with this mariachi group date. That 12-year-old was awesome, though. Can he become the wise-cracking younger brother on some new ABC sitcom? The other thing I learned from this group date is that you can’t say the word “erection” on ABC primetime. Thanks, Nick.

Calling, Modern Family, I think you just found your solution to the seventh season slump! (JK, I don't know if MF is in the 7th season, or if they are in a slump, I just wanted to write that. I hope you all read it in the cheezeballz voice it was intended.)

Of course, it wouldn’t be a group date unless at least one of the guys spent his precious one-on-one time bitching about other contestants. The guy in question this week is Joshua, who says his “male intuition” (which is not a thing) tells him that Nick’s not to be trusted. But I have a hard time listening to anything he says after Kaitlyn butchered his hair. As a matter of fact, I’m now pretty sure that Kaitlyn had a grand mal seizure halfway through that haircut. Josh and his half-hawk pull Kaitlyn into an old chapel and, instead of MAKING OUT, they talk about Nick like a couple of imbeciles. These contestants never learn. Shit-talking a fellow contestant never ever EVER works in your favor. It should have come as no surprise that when Josh went back into the common room and expected the other guys to back him up, they all threw him under the bus. “Mad about Nick?!? What do you mean? I’m just here for Kaitlyn. Connection connection right reasons chemistry looking for love right reasons right reasons.” Poor Joshua.

I worry Josh is in over his head here. He's just a simple welder. Leave him alone. He's not making it much further anyway, can't we just let him enjoy his final days? Also, glad I got an answer to my brain surgery question.

I won’t say much about Shawn’s one-on-one date other than that car accident he described sounded terrible. Is this the personal trauma story he told the producers as part of his audition? If so, it’s incredibly effective because it is actual literal trauma. A near-death experience is much more harrowing than being cheated on by an ex-girlfriend.

The first half of this Shawn date was pretty boring. Whatever, whatever, he'll probably win, whatever. I got pretty invested when he revealed his car accident though, mainly because the story was sad as hell and did not seem rehearsed at all. I'm curious about Kaitlyn's enthusiasm. There's a rumor floating around the tabloids that Shawn wins the season. But, rarely do they let us see this much enthusiasm for the winner this early. Usually, it's to throw us off the scent. (Cough, Des and Brooks, cough).

I have so many questions about Nick and Ian's talk. First, why is Nick wearing so many prayer beads as bracelets? (I am starting to have embarrassment re: Nick the way you to when an ex starts getting super weird. Like, has he gotten weirded since my crush dissipated? Or is it that because I am now so happy w Ben H that I can finally see the weirdness that was there all along?) Second, what producer decided that Nick was the best contestant to have this heart to heart with Ian? Do these two even know one another? Was everyone else taking a shit or something?

But then, BUT THEN, Ian happened. My first reaction to Ian being down in the dumps this whole episode was to issue some tough love. If you don’t feel like the Bachelor/ette is giving you enough attention, I thought to myself, then take action. Find her in her hotel room. Make a pimp move. Break the rules. That never backfires. But instead of doing that, Ian decides to throw some insane temper tantrum about how Kaitlyn isn’t interesting because she doesn’t seem sufficiently interested  in him. And who wouldn’t be interested in Ian? He is, according to him, a Princeton grad and former model who cheated death and has been around the world twice. And let’s not forget this brilliant self-assessment:

“I am an enigma. Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.” --Ian

Actually, Ian, who you are is a self-professed 28-year-old whose hairline and jowls suggest that you’re somewhere north of 40. I’m sure ABC is sorry they couldn’t find a Bachelorette who’s not even “half as hot” as your ex-girlfriend was, in your words, but hey, at least you gave it a shot. Because you are the last vaguely beige contestant this season (RIP Jonathan, who was here for Britt anyway), I had high hopes that you would go a little farther. But alas, here you are, going home in… 12th place? A bit too low in the standings to qualify to be the next Bachelor. And besides, even if you’d stayed longer, there’s no way you’d be the next Bachelor. You have about as much charm and charisma as a pile of old rags. You make Farmer Chris Soules look like the Dos Equis guy.

One of my friends/colleagues has a theory that they case Ian to be the first black bachelor. But he really shit the bed on that one. Sorry, Ian. You are toast!

Next week, Kaitlyn bones. And the Slut Shame Express officially leaves the station.