ANDI WEEK 3.5 love and basketball

no conversations on a train

JA: All I have to say is, they had better be going to Dubai or someplace fancy and exotic later this season, because tonight we have to watch two whole hours at a casino in Connecticut.

I don’t know how to feel about this Dylan date. Riding a steam train is cool when you’re eight, but there’s no romance in it. And I’m not feeling any chemistry on this date. 

SA: None whatsoever. The silences are palpable. Are we in an Annie Baker play with these silences? 

The whole day is being built around this terrible traumatic story that Dylan is determined to tell. Anyone who has been watching The Bachelor/ette for a while knows that the timing of when you share your personal tragedy is always delicate. Too soon, and you look desperate. Too late, and you look… well, desperate.

The weird part is that she already knows he has a family trauma, she just doesn't know what it is. Usually the contestant tries to keep it light for the first half of the date then busts out the trauma at dinner. With Dylan, he's been meandering around the trauma all season and Andi has to basically say, 'out with it, already.'

But I guess it went well. Once again, Andi gives out the rose (and then says about seven hundred times that it’s not a pity rose). 

The lady doth protest too much said rose is not a pity rose, for all watching know tis a pity she's pinning the pity rose upon his chest. (sorry, guys, I'm sorry)

From Eric to Ron’s best friend to BOTH of Dylan’s siblings, this is the season of death death death.

As we go into the group date, I am struck by just how bro-ey everyone is. Like this may be the bro-iest group of Bachelorette contestants I’ve ever seen. They seem like they have actually become friends. Side note: is anyone taking Cody seriously? As a person?

Um, what way are we using the term 'bro' because if we are referring to male friendship then yes, I agree this is the season of the bromance. But if we are referring to a 'bag full of hammers' I ask you to refer to the crop of duds ABC found for Desiree last season.

Josh M's roids failed him and his team didn't win, losing them precious Andi time where he hoped to "pick up where they left off". If I recall where they left off was heavy petting. Josh then continues the sentence with..."giving her big hugs and kisses" so yeah, he was hoping to round third tonight. Sorry buddy, maybe at the rose ceremony.

In a move that surprises NO ONE, Brian gets that group rose date. The lesson here is that if you’re a guy on this show, you can be bad at goofy things like singing, but when it’s time to do an athletic challenge, you need to bring it. And Brian brought it. Except for when it was time to, you know, kiss the girl. I love how he asked right before his half-court shot, “What happens if I make this shot?” And then he didn’t do… anything. One thing Andi is NOT shy about is playing tonsil hockey. Get in there, guys.

Not just because he's my fav, but because he confidently held her ass in one hand and a drink in the other I was surprised Nick didn't get this group date rose. Yes, Brian made that half court shot but I thought his timidity in holding back from kissing her would have lost him the rose. I was happy he got it though because he seems like a genuinely nice person. Also guys, I know I am obsessed (and married) so need to stop this crush now, but did you hear Nick make a Ravens reference?? As if I needed more of a reason to favor him.

This Marcus date brings us our first rappel of the season. It’s not The Bachelor/ette until you’re on a first date dangling from a tall structure. ABC knows the truth: facing death is a surefire way to speed up intimacy. Andi was actually scared shitless, though. And I don’t blame her. What better way to reward Marcus for stepping up and being “the man” through this date than a serenade by our latest little-known music act, Jon Pardi.

Sorry but I could not be less interested in this Marcus date. Also, why do all these guys feel the need to tell her they haven't dated in "years". Marcus three years ago you were 22. You might not have had a serious gf since college but you've definitely been getting laid, so shut up. Also how do you know all the words to this song? Take it away, Josh...

Now, because I’m a spirited Googler, the first result when you look up Jon Pardi is this, which impressed me greatly:

http://pardipickupline.checkdincampaign.com/

After answering a series of questions (such as “Are you going to use this line on a guy or a girl?” and “Do you prefer beer or whiskey?” and “Will you be wearing a cowboy hat or a trucker hat?”), the system generated the following pick-up line for me:

“I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.”

I have issues with this line. My main issue is that genies grant wishes, not dreams, so this is kind of nonsense. But I quibble. Part of my responsibility as a single man who is clinging to the last few months of his 20s is to try out this line this weekend. I’ll report back with my findings. Thanks, Jon Pardi. You’re a real American.

My line is, "I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U." I quibble as well, because the letter U is written in place of "you" which would still have gotten the joke across. Also I don't want to twerk or line dance which were the only two options I was given to chose between for my favorite type of dancing. I think this line generator only works if you are a "douche" or a "hick". They seem to be the only answer options.

Is it just me, or when Andi says, “Marquel is just goofy and makes me laugh,” is she basically friend-zoning him? Like I don’t see them getting smoochy ever.

He even says flat out, "I don't know how long I'll be around" and she doesn't feel the need to disagree with him.

And then, there was Eric. What WAS that? This bit from Chris Harrison’s PopWatch blog only confuses me further:

“Eric was a smart guy and he was an instigator. He loved to stir the pot a little bit, and that’s what he did with Andi. When I saw that sly little smile slide across his face while arguing with Andi that night, I just laughed. Even in that moment, he was having fun. At the end of it all, they ended their disagreement with a hug goodbye.”

Now, since we have Juan Pablo’s whole season to go on, there is some precedent for Andi going from zero to pissed off in her dealings with men. Especially if they use a word or phrase she doesn’t like. Juan Pablo’s “ess okay” = Eric’s “acting.” It struck me as a conversation that didn’t have to get as cray cray looney tunes as it got. But I don’t know, it didn’t really feel all that fake to me. I’ve had conversations in real life that started out harmlessly and then spun out like that. And since I am someone whose own facial expressions are often misread by other people, I think Andi needs to own a little bit of that and not be so sensitive when someone says she has a “poker face.” Because sometimes? She does.

Ah yes, one need only remember Josh Allen's famous line reading of "That's a great show...for a tourist" when a classmate of ours said a family member was coming to NYC and they would be spending the evening on Bway at Billy Elliot. The ellipses and italics above are all mine, as that he how we heard it. My fellow blogger only meant to say it was a good, fun show with broad appeal. But it came out sounded oh so diva-y. I think Andi overreacted to the above. Obviously a lot of the show is fake and there are times you want to just hang out with your favorites, but you can't do that because it would be disrespectful to everyone and everyone needs a shot. I don't think Eric was trying to insult Andi. He was only describing to her the experience of being on the other side of it and feeling like he was giving a lot without getting very much back. Which is true and Andi might have said herself had she not felt attacked. 

Oh, and if anyone cares, Tasos also went home.

See you in two weeks, if you happen to be in NYC next Monday and want to see something on Bway during the hiatus week I'm sure Josh can tell you what's a good show for a tourist.