ANDI WEEK 4: salty, salty

Mime your business

JA: Check you out, Chris Harrison, rocking your blazer and turtleneck in France. All I can think is how different this season is from Juan Pablo’s. Chris likes Andi so much he just had a totally meaningless, unnecessary gossip sesh with her.

I gotta say, Josh may be a playa pimp, but he and Andi make a great-looking couple. If he doesn’t screw this up, he could be around a long time. This date reminds me of Juan Pablo and Sharleen. No adventure sports. No goofy arts and crafts. Just them on a boat, making out. And sitting on a bench with cocktails. But I am waiting for Josh to pull out some serious trauma. I guess that’s what dinner is for.

SA: Okay I am still not buying the Josh M thing. She clearly really likes him, they both live in Atlanta etc etc but I just do not believe for a second that he hasn't "dated" in five years or that his last girlfriend made out with someone else bc she thought he was acting shady and he wasn't - Andi is right to be suspicious. One could say this is my own prejudice against athletes but I don't even know any athletes - this is my prejudice against guys who make everything they say sound like a line. 

That’s so clever that they made the mime date card blank. See what they did, guys? Because mimes don’t talk.

I thought that was pretty cute as far as date cards go.

Alright. So look. I’m black. I live to exploit white guilt. But at the same time, I’m having a hard time even believing that Andrew said “blackies.” Because no one says “blackies.” So either Andrew’s racism is as awkward and weird as everything else about him, or this is all part of some larger attempt on the show’s part to vilify him. But to what end? Even if Andrew did say that word (I can’t type it again; it’s just too ridiculous), JJ couldn’t have just decided on his own to choose this moment to rat Andrew out to Marquel. So, dear Bachelorette producers: were you that thin on story this week? Did you just have to give Marquel something to do?

This was uncomfortable and weird all around. I'm sure it's hard enough being the only minority in this frat but then to have the producers or the contestants or whoever highlight that by constructing a 'racism' b story is pretty icky. Because what is Marquel supposed to do? He has to bring it up. I think the way he handled it was mature and classy especially considering that in the midst of it he still managed to be the most charming and convincing mime in the group. A lesser man (like Cody) would have brought it up to Andi as 'house drama' and used the injustice of it to guilt another week out of her. Because even though it's ridiculous and Andrew may not have even said it,  referring to a black person as "blackie" is definitely worse than making fun of a tool (Cody) for being "thankful" to be on the show. Cody, however, used that tidbit from Nick to secure his bunk in Venice when the rest of us are wondering how he made it past night one.

As soon as Andi brought up being cheated on, I said to the TV, “This is when you talk about the time someone cheated on you, Josh. Even if you have to make it up.” And then he did. We should do tutorials with contestants on how to secure a one-on-one date rose. But they have GOT to stop with the private concerts. This shit is played out. It’s played out like Cyrtsal Pepsi. (Yes, I just made a Crystal Pepsi reference.)

These private concerts have got to go, but if anything they are becoming more frequent.

Corrections Department: sorryboutit, Farmer Chris, but there are mimes in Iowa:

No excuses, Farmer Chris. Get in the game.

At least, as an American farmer, he knows there are farms in America (looking at you former nba dancer from last season) perhaps next season we can have a female mime from Iowa on the show.

I actually thought everyone did really well on this low-stakes mime date. Except for Nick. Nick has full-on refused to play the Group Date game. He also seems to be rejecting the forced bromances. This exchange says it all:

Patrick: It’s hard to know what you’re thinking sometimes.
Nick: Why do you care?

Nick’s got a great point. He’s also got some terrible lightning-round poetry that he can pull out when Andi starts to question their connection. Good on ya, Nick. But Andi still has to prove her point by giving the Group Date rose to JJ, whom she specifically praised for being a joiner.

My favorite line from the episode is when Andi said, "salty, salty Nick" and then they showed him in mime gear looking like a sad clown. She confronts him about it during their one-on-one time and he says if it had been just the two of them he would have been happy to mime, its the group setting that made him uncomfortable. This is a lie. Nick is never going to be happy to mime, and a group date is the only time he would ever be put in this position. I am of two minds about this - on one hand, these two get along great and seem like they could be a real world couple. In the real word you will never again be on a group date so why does it matter if you're good at them or not. On the other hand, let's use "group date" as a stand in for hanging out with Andi's friends instead of his, or going to her niece's christening or anything that he has to do but doesn't want to - will his MO always be to sulk in the corner? I think she was absolutely in the right to give JJ this one, even though they have zero chemistry and there's no way she'll ever pick him.

Miscellaneous Department: I’m going to re-introduce a question you raised before, Fia: how is Marcus only 25 years old? Or maybe Marcus is “25” the same way that Lorde is “17.”

And with that I give you this - http://blkdontcrack.tumblr.com/

Oh, and here comes Marquel confronting Andrew. I am so bored by Blackiegate. It’s too awkward and there’s no payoff. Let’s get back to the secret admirer letter. Who could have sent it? After dragging this out for weeks on end, this had better be good. OHMYGOSH WAS IT CHRIS HARRISON? I mean, obviously I know it’s not him. He’s like her big brother.

No, but seriously, who’s the letter from? WHAT IF IT’S FROM CHRIS BUKOWSKI? #bombshell #noseriously #checkforabomb #chrisbukowskihascrazyeyes

OMG Josh, you cracked the Da Vinci code, it has to be from Krazy Kris Bukowski #dyinghappy #anthrax

I’m a big fan of Brian, so I’m glad they finally got a one-on-one date. And no Bachelor/ette season would be complete without a little Disney/Touchstone cross-promotion. Because that worked so well with The Lone Ranger during Des’s season. Yeah. I said it. That movie was a floppity flop flop.

At least they get to watch it in this cute little theater, I think JP and Des were sitting on piles of hay. Also, the idea of watching a movie about cooking, going to a farmer's market and then cooking is a pretty cute and normal date. But Brian is really shitting the bed on this one.

I really wanted more from Brian with this cooking nonsense. Then again, it’s abundantly clear that Andi also hates cooking, so I’m not even sure why they’re doing this. I’m happy to see, though, that Brian has fully learned his lesson from not kissing Andi on the basketball court. Andi is definitely a lady who responds well to vigorous making out. As Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O’Hara (another Georgia girl), “You should be kissed and often.” Same goes for America’s favorite (former) gang prosecutor.

Side note: even though the unplanned stuff is usually planned too - I always love it on this show when they end up in real restaurants with other people around instead of at the awkward "sweetheart" table in an empty mansion.

Andi’s cocktail party bouffant is really intense. Is her purse in there? Oh. No. Her hair isn’t holding her purse. It’s holding her new sense of resolve. Three guys are going home tonight, and Andi already knows who. Damn, son. She ain’t playin.

I knew Patrick and Marquel (Andi’s “cookie monster”...aww) were headed home, but I honestly expected her to keep Andrew for a little longer for the sake of more manufactured drama. Also, what is the purpose of Cody? He has no physical connection with Andi, he’s terrible at bringing the drama, and he’s not even great comic relief.

This weekend I asked some friends what the hell Cody was still doing on this show and also mentioned that we see them making out in a teaser which is gross. My friend Laura said that Andi has to make out with him because when again in her life will she have the opportunity to make out with someone like Cody -- I understand this argument if you are checking off some sort of douche bag bucket list for laughs, but I still am reading for him to pack his bag and go. In the words of Jo-Jo, "Leave, Get out" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY

But even though Andi didn’t give him a rose, Patrick gets my “You’re Definitely At Least 72% Gay” rose for this gem of a departing quote: “I have heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are paramount when it comes to being a husband.”


And that is why Andi set you free, Patrick. Here’s hoping ABC seats you next to Andrew so you can explore your connection on the long flight home.

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