ANDI: Week 2 "everyone's gay, drunk cousin and the golfer"

shots! shots! shots! shots!

SA: Initial thoughts are that Chris Harrison has been on air more in these two episodes than he was the entirety of last season.

JA: If we were in first grade, Chris would be going through the whole school telling people that Juan Pablo had cooties and that's why he didn't want to play with him. I'm so glad we're back to someone he can stomach.

When the dudes were touring the bachelor mansion and one of them said something ridiculous about being in a house where "so many people" have fallen in love, I thought, five - a house where maybe five people have fallen in love.

Ha! I completely thought that also. I thought it was a place where many more people have contracted herpes. Also, as the morning went on and the guys got ready to see Eric off on his date, I feel like the number of shirts dwindled. I think all 19 of these guys are forced to share the same three shirts.

I can't snark or say anything mean about Andi and Eric's date for obvious reasons. The only thing I thought on the date when they got into the helicopter was, "please don't let the surprise be the hollywood sign" the bachelor uses that one way too often. But then it was snowboarding in Big Bear and Eric was so good at it and cute with Andi and then I got sad all over again.

It was especially eerie  when they had the talk about him being in Syria and how he said goodbye to his parents then to follow it up with her asking if he would risk his life in the same way if he had a family and he said no and that the list of dangerous things he needs to cross off his list before he settles down is getting smaller. Can you imagine this poor boy's parents having to watch this? What a horrific experience for them. Now I know why there were talks of canceling the season.

Can we just impose a moratorium on anything snarky when it comes to Eric? Like, can we just agree that it is always too soon? He was soooo adorable and normal through this date, too. And the date even ended with a fat girl treat for Andi -- s'mores! I am terrified that he's going to get really really far and we might actually meet his parents. I am not even a little bit ready for that.

Before we even get to the group date I thought to myself, "Craig is everyone's drunk cousin".

Then he proved me right. Also, he is kind of like an overgrown drunk child. Sitting criss cross apple sauce on the couch in boat shoes asking who wants shots.

Did you notice that the golfer was always with Craig when he was acting up? They could be an onscreen duo - everyone's gay cousin and the golfer.

Aww, Fia, now I want a gay drunk cousin! I suppose I shall have to bust out the bourbon and become my own gay drunk cousin.

This frat party group date was the frattiest, weirdest, most homoerotic evening since every evening of my dreams. Just kidding, dear readers. I don't want you to get the impression that I find this behavior at all enjoyable or desirable outside the safe, cozy, rose-petal-strewn confines of the ABC network. But this Magic Mike group date is taking ManCandyMonday to a whole new level. Craig is always drunk. And Fia, the fact that you called it "criss cross apple sauce" reminded me of your long and illustrious career as a nanny. Because you know we all grew up referring to it with the much less PC term "Indian style."

Oh, no. Andi does not have time for this BS. She's trying to have a convo with the Israeli guy from Barbados and can't concentrate bc of the all the fratting around going on downstairs. Marcus manages to calm her down and snag the group rose but really, that group rose belonged to Marcus from the time she declared him the solo dancing because she thought he could, "handle it".

Completely. You know how sometimes, a group rose is a "just don't fuck this up and it's yours" rose? That was Marcus tonight. This group date made me realize how into him she is.

But not even Marcus and his good intentions could stop Hurricane Craig from destroying the evening with his shots of Fireball (which he later called Firefly, but I went back and reviewed the tape and it was indeed Fireball...but who knows, he may also have been drinking Firefly too). But Craig is just following a prestigious tradition of alcoholic meltdowns during Week Two. Just last season it was everyone's favorite bathroom-dweller, Victoria. 

I wish we'd had more Sharleen / Kelly commentary. Me too!! One of my favorite moments of the whole show was during Magic Mike when Andi leans over and goes, "That's Brian. He's a teacher." And Kelly says, "I'll let him teach ME!" The thing I love about Kelly is that she's always a good time and she's not afraid to drool all over a boy, even if that same boy is competing to become your fiancé.

Also did you notice how JP's gf was missing from their fierce foursome reunion? Do you think it's because she was unavailable or because JP forbid her from having anything to do with the show. Or does ABC want us to pretend last season never happened?

Yeah, I totally think any appearance by Nikki would be a grim reminder that somewhere out there, so many awful besitos are happening. Ess okay.

This race track date is pretty cute even though there is no way Andi is ending up with the farmer.

I don't know why, but I had a surprising amount of side-eye for this race track date. On one hand, I get it -- ABC has to save all their money for the upcoming exotic destinations and generous supply of Fantasy Suite condoms, so in the early weeks we are forced to watch everyone go on odd dates at L.A. tourist traps. But this seemed so unimaginative, even for The Bachelor/ette. They just happened to sit next to an older couple who've been together forever? Lucky coincidence! Glad the cameras caught it! Please -- those old people are definitely SAG-eligible at least.

Josh M. is playing the game really well. I don't believe for a second he hasn't dated in 5 years. Andi is right to be cautious but we already know that he's her type and he snags a kiss at the rose ceremony w/o even a one on one to warm her up. This guy is #trouble.

I literally wrote in my notes "Oh boy - Josh M is gonna be trouble." Anyone who believes he's been single for 5 years should send $5000 to a Nigerian prince.

Also, even though I had no doubt Andi was gonna keep Marquel, he and I are breaking up. His cocktail party suit was instantly disqualifying. Plaid shirt, floral tie, striped socks? Who are you, Harrison from Scandal?!? Someone go get a spoon for my mouth, because I just had a seizure.

ANDI WEEK ONE

creepster

JA: There’s nothing like a Bachelor/ette season premiere. The sense of possibility in the air is undeniable… until Chris Harrison opens the show talking about the guy who died. Now every time we see him, we’re going to know he died. Sigh.

SA: This is v. sad, but guys it's a new season and esss going to be...okay.

Question: is this opening segment showing Andi quitting her job? Like full-on quitting it? Why is she packing up her office? Was her job like, “We’re happy for you, but we can’t just stop prosecuting gangs because you’re going on a reality show, so we’re gonna need your office space, thanks”?

Ya, and she said, "I'm leaving behind a great career" so basically...they were like, um, we humored your going on a reality show once but that shit is not gonna fly twice. Unlike many of the other bachelorettes, Andi had and is leaving a real career and so the stakes are possible a little higher for her. Are they going to have to start calling her a "former assistant district attorney" because then she would be better matched with the "former MLB player" on whom she seems so keen.

I liked the convo with Andi’s sister where they reset us right off the bat. Andi is clearly not Juan Pablo; she will be doing a healthy amount of kissing with no weirdness or judgment.

Ah, yes. The time-honored tradition of the skinny suit parade, in which 25 indistinguishable men in shrunken blazers traipse into and out of cars. In other words, exactly what it looks like at lunchtime at CAA. (Industry humor! Zing!) 

This group of Bozos was so indistinguishable to me that I actually had to watch parts of this episode twice. Even the second time in I was having a hard time keeping all the brunette Kens apart.

My highlights:

Cody, the personal trainer from Chicago who felt it necessary to flip up the collar on his blazer. I don’t know about you, Fia, but I definitely got the douche chills with this guy. He’s gonna be the troublemaker of this season. There’s a little bit of Mikey, a little bit of Kaylon, a whole lot of drama.

Ugh. This guy was the worst, I bet he smells like Axe body spray and winterfresh gum. Gross. 

What is a “pantsapreneur”?

Dunno, but oddly he managed to make it through to round 2.

Tasos scored a bunch of points with that gimmicky thing with the lock and the key and the fountain. I feel like this is like any job interview, where you’re supposed to do something charming and not creepy that makes you stand out. (Put a pin in “creepy”... we’ll be coming back to that when we talk about Chris from Emily’s season.)

But whenever a girl says, "that was adorable" after a guy walks away as if she's talking about her best friend's new goldendoodle, it's not necessarily  a good sign.

I thought Andi was massively flirty with Mr. Stoked and Rad, the California guy with the floppy mop of hair. Which is why I was shocked to see him eliminated.

Anal with an M.

Where did that lamp come from, Brett? Did you really steal it from the hotel? That’s weird.

And here we have another weirdo who made it through to round two.

Do we just need an opera singer every season? Like, is that a thing from now on?

Notice the difference between Sharleen who said, "um no, this is my real job, I am not singing for you" and this guy who is apparently an opera singer from Long Beach? And was trying to belt out notes while the other dudes held their ears.

Andrew, the social media marketer from Culver City, is clearly taking this season’s Drew slot, AKA the guy with super questionable heterosexuality. This was confirmed during the cocktail party, when he and Patrick made an intense love connection right before our very eyes. In two years’ time, when ABC does Andrew and Patrick’s gay wedding special, we will be able to say we were there when the sparks first flew.

Yes, with these two we got to see first hand that though they may not be there for Andi, they are def there for the 'right reasons' if this show is all about finding love. 

When Eric got out of the limo, I got sad. Because I know he’s dead. (Also, why is someone from the Bachelor family dying every season?) I almost looked away from the screen when he gave her those cute dolls. All I could think is that I wonder where those dolls are now. It’s all too sad and too real.

I also think he makes it quite far, like maybe even hometowns far - why else would ABC have considered canceling the season?

Andi is shaping up to be an incredibly self-aware Bachelorette. When she was talking to Josh M, she was very clear that he’s the type of guy she would normally go for… and that might be why she’s still single.

I’m sorry… did Marquel literally give Andi a black and white cookie? #junglefever #subtle (But to Marquel’s credit, he did cash in on the fact that the way to Andi’s heart is to feed her inner fat girl.)

Now Eric’s back. This is a strange emotional roller coaster I’m on with this episode. Okay, so I did a little research on his organization, Global Odyssey (http://gowitheric.com/world-travel-record/eric-jonathan-hill/) and I’m very ambivalent. I love travel and adventure and the spirit behind the idea that we’re all global citizens, but visiting EVERY country and encouraging people to do so seems ridiculously irresponsible. Afghanistan? Syria? North Korea? No. But I guess none of that is relevant because he died in a paragliding accident in Utah, of all places. I get that ABC owns the footage, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to watch any of Andi and Eric’s courtship through this season.

And then there was Chris Bukowski. I would first like to remind our readers that WE CALLED THIS CRAZY two years ago, Fia:

From Monday, July 2, 2012, when Emily finally sent Chris B packing:

Fia: Chris didn't see this coming, he's the only one. Also he's getting really agressive with her, which also reminds me of my Polish landlord when I see him yelling at people on the phone.

Josh: OH this is awkward. Is someone ready to intervene in case Chris gets angry and smashes things, like Emily’s collarbone?

Yup. Called it. First of all, do NOT mess with Chris Harrison. I love very few things more than I love watching Chris Harrison go into older brother/protector mode with the Bachelorettes. “The only thing that happens from here is that it gets BAD.” (Subtext: “Please let it get bad, Chris Bukowski. We have several large security men who would love nothing more than to clothesline you on camera.”)

But really, what was that?? Did Crazy Chris actually think this stunt was gonna work? I guess he did, since it worked for Kacie B during Sean’s season. But anyone whose behavior is modeled after Kacie B “Ben’s Season” needs help.

First off, J, your dramaturgical research of our back posts is extraordinary. Secondly, does Chris forget what a jackass he was on bachelor pad and how he played, manipulated and disrespected every girl on that show? Obvi that's the kinda shit they want to go down on BP, but on the more family oriented 'bachelor/ette' that kind of behavior is not tolerated. Even if Andi had wanted him in the house, CH would have blocked it. Because when before when a desperate former contestant (KB, that weird girl from Ben's season) has wanted in the mansion have they been stopped at the gate? 

http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/bachelorette-crasher-chris-bukowski-explains-attempt-to-meet-andi-2014205

That Facebook pic of his? I’m sure when he took that picture with those roses, he thought it was sexy or endearing. But it’s just. Creepy. And his tweet about how he should have gone through the back entrance was SO not a joke. He’s one of the more terrifying people to ever grace this show. As for Chris Harrison, here’s what he had to say: “Part of me was secretly hoping he would make a run for it and try to get into the house — that wouldn’t have ended well, but it would have made for an interesting night.” Gotta love CH.

Did anyone else feel bad for urgent care doctor Jason, who upon being eliminated said, “Not going back to a whole lot.” And Josh B’s drunken rant was pretty good too. Where do you think he wandered off to?

I LOVED Josh B's drunken rant. I think they should bring him back. 

Sorry for the delay on putting this up. Hope to be more prompt with the next round.

JUAN PABLO FINALE

SA: I have a confession. Usually before writing these recaps I look at no social media with the exception of the dialogue between Josh and I. But after that shit show last night - I went hog wiled and read f'in everything. I looked at Twitter to see what Jason Biggs had to say, I went down the rabbit hole following the Instagram documented friendship of Kelly, Sharleen, Andi and Nikki, I read articles from NPR and Huff Po, I read basically anything I could find because Jesus Christ, guys, how the hell else are we supposed to deal with that finale? There is just so much. So so so so so much. And never again do I feel I will have to staunchly defend why I recap this show to friends who deem it too stupid to be worth any smart person's attention. I've said it before and will continue to say it, the bachelor franchise is one of the craziest and most interesting social experiments in the US. Now, onto the recap. Josh really hit this one out of the park so I'll be commenting, but sparingly...

JA: Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

This is what defending your relationship with a man who doesn't love you looks like.

I recall what I thought of Juan Pablo at the beginning of Juan-uary, and I actually thought highly of him. But over the course of this season, I’ve definitely gotten to see enough to show me that he is a COLOSSAL dick. I suppose in that sense, my journey has mirrored that of the ladies on the show, with far fewer besitos.

I’ve never seen anything like those first two segments when Clare and Nikki met Juan Pablo’s family. I don’t even know where to begin. Perhaps I should begin with JP’s mom, who was desperately trying to tell these girls to run, saying things like “He’s hyperactive (translation: wandering wiener)… he’s rude… he has poor communication skills…and I’m real happy for your dreams of a Saturday on the beach or at a water park, but I hope you like babysitting Camila, because my son is just going to sit on his ass and watch TV all day.” The worst was when his mom turned to the camera and said “If he chooses Nikki, she’s going to say yes… DESPITE MY WARNINGS!!” (Was I the only one who heard that last part?)

I also loved how Juan Pablo’s cousin explicitly told both women, “No, really… I’m not kidding. The second you do something he doesn’t like, he’ll drop you like a hot potato.” I gotta hand it to this family. They really tried to warn these women as best they could, repeatedly saying things like “he’s not an easy person to be with” and “he defends his asshole behavior by saying he’s just being honest” and “you seem like a nice girl… please try to find ANYONE ELSE to marry.” It makes me even more interested to talk to his ex, Carla, and find out what really went on there. It was very telling that Juan Pablo’s brother talked on camera but we didn’t see him talk to Nikki or Clare at all. Do you think his dire warnings weren’t even suitable for air?

I was thinking about Carla a lot during this section. His family has to be getting their, 'he's a shitty partner' perspectives from somewhere bc no one would say that about their son without it having been proven, or probably proven many times. Especially since we know he didn't even used to pay child support and that Carla is still close with his family, I'm sure there was some sort of 'step up and be a good dad' intervention at some point.

Also, for what it's worth, Clare seemed more comfortable with his family. But saying that is treating this like any of season, which it's not. 

Did you notice that Clare and Juan Pablo avoided the ocean on their final date together? Because we know what happens when their naughty parts hit salt water. #vietnam

And then there was the “comment” JP made to Clare in the helicopter, which was clearly about her vagina. Just compare their voiceovers on this date…

Clare: I’m so in love with Juan Pablo. Just having him hold me as we both take in all the wondrous scenery… I’m on Cloud Nine!

Juan Pablo: Clare hot. Clare sexy. Me penis happy penis ay ay ay ess okay… [some other unintelligible thing about her funbags]

Before she revealed what the horrific thing was later in the ep I was sure that he's told her that she has a sweet puss.

By the way, I think that voiceover is on constant loop in his head while any woman is speaking. He doesn’t hear anything any of them says. He’s just thinking about the next time he can dip his wick. After Clare poured her heart out, Juan Pablo replied with, “If I end up with you, we’re gonna have a baby in two months.” Either his math is way off, or he already impregnated her in Vietnam. All he had to do was spew some of his trademark ESL word salad and he got his besitos from Clare. This is tragic to watch.

"If I pick you we are gonna have a baby in two months" was the closest he's come to saying anything resembling real feelings to any of these women all season, with the exception of Sharleen, which made it all the more shocking that Clare is who he sent home. Also, I continue to believe had Sharleen kept herself in the competition the season would not have ended with JP as the most hated man in America. Because I think he would have played ball and maybe not proposed but at least said I love you. 

I also have to say that I don't think he told that to Clare knowing he was going to pick Nikki so it might not be quite as dickish as we think. Honestly, I think he might have just flipped a coin.

Tragic, indeed.

Speaking of tragic, I could hardly look at the TV during Nikki’s date. Watching Juan Pablo say things like “when we go home, I’ll have my bed and my TV and my sports and with my by myself” was just too excruciating. It just goes to show you how many warning signs people will blow right past when they really want a fake boyfriend. And is it just me, or does the handwriting in that card from Nikki look suspiciously like the P.A.’s handwriting from every date card ever?

The fact that the card ends with a solid, "I love you" was just too much. It's as if those tears after he left were predicting her public humiliation at After the Final Rose. Side note - are Nikki's boobs fake? They always look so round.

As we approached the big day, I felt absolutely dead inside. Both these women have bared their reality show souls to Juan Pablo, and he has given them NOTHING back. Neil Lane didn’t even show up for a sit-down ring sesh with JP. Do you think even Neil Lane, the Patron Saint of Diamonds, hates his guts? Or do you think they told Neil to just stay home because Juan Pablo clearly wasn’t going to propose to anyone on this show?

I don't think NL even came to St. Lucia. I think a PA picked out the ring and they forced JP to look at it a couple times for TV teasers. 

I have a new-found respect for crazy Clare after her final scene with JP. “I would never want my children to have a father like you” is the exit line of the year. The best thing that ever happened to Clare was Juan Pablo not picking her. First of all, Clare, go learn Spanish. It’s weird that you’re the only one in your family who doesn’t speak it. Because once you learn Spanish, you can finally understand what your family is probably rudely saying about you in front of your face. Second of all, I hope you have learned something from your repeated public slut-shaming. Someone whose idea of sweet nothings is leaning over to you and whispering “We don’t know anything about each other, but I certainly loved fucking your brains out at sea” is not a winner. And Juan Pablo’s vindictive and immature reaction to her just proves his cousin right. This is a man who can’t be challenged in any way. The second any of these women actually speaks her mind, his vicious douchery asserts itself. And that, Juan Pablo, ess not okay.

Agreed I have been down on Clare this whole season but she really came into her own during that break up. It's like she's finally done her dead father proud and wasn't that what Clare's journey was all about anyway? Also I think she is gonna have no problem finding a new bf now that JP told all of America how much he loved f***ing her. 

I’m ultimately of two minds about this whole Juan Pablo-Nikki “I don’t wanna let you go” thing. On one hand, it is very true that in the real world, no one is under any kind of network-mandated pressure to propose to their girlfriend of two months. And yes, in the real world things develop much more naturally. But you can’t have it both ways, hermano. The point of being on the Bachelor is to fake it til you make it. Pretend to love the other person for a while, and then sometimes you might end up falling in actual real love. Or not. But you gotta go through the motions.

Also, dear Nikki: whether you’re in the real world or ABC world, if you’ve actually convinced yourself that you love someone, and you tell them, and you say things like “I can’t imagine my life without you” and they respond with things like “I like you… a lot” and “You’re pretty” and “Don’t be cranky because it’s hot out here”... shouldn’t that be a red flag for you? Like, I don’t understand any of it. I don’t get their “relationship.” As for all that stuff JP was saying about their “plans changing dramatically,” word on the street is that Juan Pablo was gonna be on “Dancing with the Stars” and then the Pervertgate scandal happened and ABC pulled the plug on that and now everything is weird. So now, instead of maybe coming to LA and living with JP while he did awkward foxtrots for America’s enjoyment, she’s still in Kansas City and he’s still in Miami and the whole thing is bizarre and doomed.

Oh, Nikki. Poor, poor Nikki. How terribly sad this is for you. Yes, okay a lot of people can relate to a relationship where they are more into their partner than their partner is to them. And even if in those relationships one person gets drunk and tells the other they love them and get an "I like you a lot in return" at least both parties can then pretend that didn't happen or break up, but those are the options in that situation. Except, no, here is a third outcome in which Chris Harrison says one million times to Nikki, JP, the bachelor panel and America that Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo and said it and Juan Pablo is luke warm about Nikki at best. This is a nightmare for her. Now think about the fact that these two have been together for four months at this point. That is four months of one-sided love. And she is sitting here as Juan Pablo pets her trying to smile. Why is she still going along with this? How are Sharleen, Kelly and Andi letting her go along with this. Sidenote - I would give anything to hear what Sharleen was whispering to Kelly during all of this.

Chris Harrison is so digusted he can't even sit next to these two during commercial breaks and Nikki is now practically sitting in JP's lap. ABC has clearly turned on Juan Pablo as has the bachelor panel. The way they've edited him since Sharleen's departure and since pervert gate is unforgiving. I do feel a little bad for him, even though he has this coming. Juan Pablo doesn't seem to realize that in the district of ABC, the bachelor is the Hunger Games and in the words of last year's winner Catherine, contestants best not bite the hand that feeds them. If America's Sweetheart Chris Harrison hates you, you are dead. And hate him he does, CH literally just said he needs a cold shower to wash off this season.  

Juan Pablo, you had us at hola, then quickly lost us with your boundless douchebaggery. It is clear that you are little more than a Box of Abs that just wanted to play in the honey pot for a while. Your own family is begging women NOT to date you. Adios.

Sidenote: even though in the most technical sense of the word Nikki “won” this season, the clear winner is Renee and her cute fiancé and her bangin’ engagement ring. I’m more of an emerald-cut girl myself, but this would certainly do in a pinch:

http://www.eonline.com/news/517528/the-bachelor-s-renee-oteri-engaged-meet-her-hot-fiance-and-check-out-her-ring

Renee, you go girl. That guy is way cuter than Juan Pablo. I knew you wouldn't be single for long after how classy and together you came off this season. Alone at the ball park no more my friend.

I’m exhausted and confused and weirded out from this season. So is Chris Harrison, who kept saying out loud on live television how glad he was not to have to see or speak to Juan Pablo ever again. Guess we’ll see each other this summer for Andi’s Adventures in Love! I’ll start working on my Gang Prosecutor puns now.

Do it! Andi is just what we need to get this shit back on track. 

JUAN PABLO WEEK 8.5 one man's dream is another woman's nightmare

JUAN PABLO, WEEK EIGHT "no love"

This is a friend of Mommy's you'll never see again

JA: Okay, I’m gonna go on record and say that this was one of the most boring Hometowns I’ve seen in a long time. Fantasy Suites should more than make up for it, because according to the promos, everyone just melts ALL the way down.

Nikki’s hometown was maybe the most uneventful hometown I’ve ever seen, which I guess bodes really well for Nikki, but not for good television. But I am jealous of that house… a dollar really does go far in Missouri, or anywhere that’s not LA or NYC or SF. I did, however, love the moment at the dinner table when Nikki outed that Juan Pablo gets to fly first class while all the ladies are stuck in coach. #bachelorsecrets

SA: I actually already knew the contestants had to fly coach bc Ali Fedotowsky mentioned it once on her bachelor blog, but not that I read that or anything. Not only were these hometowns boring, but I feel like they really snuck up on me. Is this season really about to end? Didn't Juanuary just start? Is it really about to be Juarch?

Even Nikki’s mom brought up the “mental connection” that she’s worried might not be there. Ouch.

I loved how Nikki's mom said, "Ok tell me what you like about him". Looking for like, one thing - and Nikki - couldn't do it. She couldn't think of one thing to say other than, "there's just something about him" which translates to "it's just competitive instinct to win a reality show."

Also, a lot of the focus (especially with Nikki’s and Renee’s dates) was on wanting to say “I love you” and being really scared to. According to Chris Harrison, he can’t remember another season when we’ve gotten this far and no one’s even said the word “love,” and I can’t either. Chris also said that Juan Pablo is partially to blame for that because he hasn’t done enough to openly show the women how he really feels about them in ways other than saying "I love you."

When did CH say that? Josh how do you always have the skinny on CH's opinions? Have you been watching with Chris Harrison in LA without me? Are you guys secret BFF? Do you go on hikes together where he tells you what he thinks of all the contestants. I mean, that would explain where he's been all season -- hanging out with you.

But yes, no one has said "I love you" which is really rare. It doesn't feel right to anyone and no one even seems that upset when they leave. In fact, I've yet to see a true ugly cry at all this season, only tiny mascara-less tears. 

As for Andi, I was prepared to love this date because I’ve been impressed with Andi these last couple of weeks. But your hometown thing is… guns? Really? In Atlanta, that’s the best we could do? I don’t know. I just hate guns so much. Like, so so so much that I can’t even snark about this. I hated it all.

I dunno, Josh. I hate guns too - but I thought it was pretty baller of Andi to take JP to a shooting range when she knows she's a killer shot and he can barely hit the target. And Nikki made him ride a mechanical bull - I thought these women were really turning the tables on a guy who treated them all like toddlers all season. You steal my nose - I'll fucking waste you, or at least emasculate you.

But you know what I didn’t hate? Andi’s dad. While Andi’s mom was living vicariously through her daughter’s Latin lover, Andi’s dad was having NONE of Juan Pablo. I’m sure none of her dad’s concerns were alleviated by JP’s word salad, either. Could you make heads or tails of what he was trying to tell her dad?

Best quote from Andi's dad, "We've got two wonderful daughter, one good son-in-law and (looking at JP) a visitor". Also loved how he asked JP why he went on the show. This guy is not fucking around, now we know where Andi got her smarts. 

And after all that, Juan Pablo left thinking that chat went really well. He’s really not all there. Here’s what Chris has to say about it: “I think we've seen throughout the season, especially with Sharleen and Clare, he's not great at reading body language and understanding the moment. He's missed a lot of cues and red flags and this is really no different. I think a lot of other guys would've come off that date thinking, 'Man, that was not smooth sailing.' But he's a little bit oblivious to that kind of stuff.” How often do you think Chris fantasizes about punching Juan Pablo in the face?

And again I would love to know where you and Chris Harrison are getting your post show beers.

(Also, sidebar, did you see that promo Chris and Juan Pablo did for the new movie "Need for Speed"? Chris is sporting a seriously cool haircut and some single-guy scruff!)

What? No! I have been watching on iTunes and missing all the bach themed commercials :(

Awww Renee and her adorable Little League son who is avoiding making any eye contact with Juan Pablo whatsoever. So cute. But this has clearly run its course. If Sharleen hadn’t gone home on her own last week, Renee would totally have been cut along with Chelsie. I don’t have a single doubt about that.

OK, I took serious issue with them waiting to let Renee see her son until she was with JP. Couldn't they have had a reunion off camera and then introduced him? This woman hasn't seen her son in two months and then shows up at his little league game with some stranger. Couldn't JP (or any of the producers) understand how uncomfortable that has to be for an 8yo? Since JP clearly already knew Renee was not the one for him, he should have known better than this awkward introduction. Even though I had no desire to see her hometown after Sharleen left I think JP should have said goodbye to Renee and gone to Chelsie's hometown instead, no reason to bring a child into this when JP already had two feet out the door.

And we’re apparently saving the batshit for last… Crazy Clare in SacTown. I’m not one to be cynical (who are we kidding -- yes I am) but this whole father-daughter dance story is just too much. It’s making my teeth hurt. It sounds like the first draft of a scene Jason Katims would have written. (That’s not a dig; I love Jason Katims, but even he would pull back on the sugar here.) That plus the rock throwing… I don’t know. I really wanted to be moved by all that, but I just wasn’t.

I seriously dislike Clare but she is the only one I actually see with JP. The other girls are just going through the motions. 

When they brought up swimming at Clare’s house, I could feel her and Juan Pablo have a brief and horrific flashback to Vietnam.

As much as Clare’s sister Laura tried to pull a “Des’s brother Nate” and sabotage everything, Juan Pablo is just way too into Clare for that to happen. Also, if Clare gets eliminated, that means that someone else is forwarding his dick pics to everyone, and at this point I just refuse to believe that.

From the trailer I definitely thought Laura was Clare's mom and that "Mami" was her grandmother. Also she said her other sister has been married for over 20 years. How old are these sisters? Also I think we know where Clare got the crazy from - hello Laura! 

I was hoping when JP could actually speak to someone in his mother tongue he might become a little more interesting but nope, just another boring convo about the weather. He literally said that Venezuela was "hot but not hot", Clare's mom then translated that into "tropical" which is exactly how people talk to JP in English. He says something vague and they guess at what he means. Girls - this is not a language barrier, the cerebral connection you are looking for is never going to happen. 

Not shockingly at all, Renee is sent home. But she looked smokin’ hot. Third or fourth place is traditionally a good place to get to if you want to be the next Bachelor/ette (Des was 4th place and, if I recall correctly, Sean was 3rd because he made it to Fantasy Suites), so Renee’s in a good position to headline next season. If she didn’t have the guilt of already spending this much time away from Ben, I’d say she’s a shoo-in. But she might just want to put this whole experience behind her. What do you think?

I think Renee is a little too drama free to be our bachelorette, also I don't see her leaving Ben again. I think Clare is the winner / dick pic sender and Andi is most likely the next bachelorette. Sharleen is still my top choice, but I just don't see them ever picking her to do it. I'll take Andi though, she's got the glow and I'd love to see Hy with her final two gents. Let's fast forward to that now. I am so over Juarch.

JUAN PABLO WEEK SEVEN - "I wish I was dumber"

Our favorite says goodbye.

JA: I can’t believe we’re only one week from hometowns! This season has flown by! Ah, Miami. Finally, a place I’ve actually been before, so I don’t have to feel bad about myself this week. Do you think that cousin in Juan Pablo’s house is the gay one?

SA: I was in Miami last weekend and it is STILL SNOWING in NYC. So this date was perfectly timed to give me another case of "winter blues" but enough about me...did you see those cute fish earrings Shar Shar was wearing? 

I like that early on, we see Juan Pablo talking about Sharleen with his family. She’s clearly a frontrunner. They’re definitely setting up the drama here so that it can be even more devastating when Sharleen pulls a Brooks and goes home voluntarily.

Any time the producers let you see a bachelor/ette telling CH or their fam that a contestant is "the one" you can assume that person's walking papers are already signed, voluntarily or otherwise.

There’s really nothing I can say about those swimsuits they left for the women in that hotel suite. Oh, wait. Yes, there is. They are awful.

JP giving the date card himself is further proof to our theory that CH is moonlighting in some other endeavor. Also, I loved when JP told Sharleen she had five minutes to get ready, but she still had time to stand on the roof looking pensively at the Miami skyline. If there's one thing these producers can't get enough of, it's a pensive moment with a view.

This Sharleen date is so great now that we know what’s coming. Also, when she says, “We’re missing the cerebral connection,” that is clearly code for “I am way too smart for him.” But poor JP...I actually feel bad for him because he is so so so into her. This date was approximately seventeen hours long. And sixteen of those hours were spent making out on a boat. No extreme outdoor activities, no spelunking in caves. Just laying on a boat and making out all day. Either this was Juan Pablo’s idea or ABC blew their whole budget on all those Asian destinations.

That bathing suit is gonna give her crazy tan lines.

Sharleen is so refreshingly honest and real that I’m going to be really sad to watch her go. But she just had to have all kinds of crazy expectations -- like being married to someone she can have actual conversations with. You stay that picky, Shar-Shar, and you’ll be single for a long time. Did she actually just say she wished she was a little dumber? Wow. She is becoming increasingly unable to not tell him how dumb she thinks he is.

I took that line to mean, "I wish a was a little dumber...like the other girls on this show." But she knew it would be wrong to say. 

Also, via my Instagram / Twitter stalking I have gathered that Andi, Sharleen, Nikki and Kelly (dog lover) are all BFF. This makes total sense to me as these are definitely the smartest ones. (Kelly's twitter quips to Jason Biggs lazy eye jokes are particularly entertaining). I sort of gather that Sharleen has always been so career focused / nerdy that she never made that group of core "girl friends" in college and that being on this show is like her latent sorority period. (Which makes sense when you see her start doing the "last day of camp" cry anytime one of the ladies is sent home). Shar Shar, you can get sauced and talk about fun girly stuff anytime you want but that doesn't mean you have to marry a man you can't have a conversation with, and good for you for knowing it! 

And she comes home and goes straight to talk to Renee. Seriously, is Renee the host of this season? Can she just be my therapist? Is she on my fancy new WGA health insurance? I need an appointment stat.

I loved how she cooed, RENEE as soon as she got into the suite and then went and curled up next to her. Almost as if on the ride home someone said to her, "don't worry baby, Renee is at the house and she'll make all your troubles disappear."

I was honestly surprised that Juan Pablo decided to take Nikki to meet his whole family, and his daughter, and his ex. I was very excited to see Camila come face to face with one of the crazies competing on national television to become her stepmother. They didn’t spend enough time with the baby mama, though -- would have loved to see a sitdown with her and Nikki. Also, call me a cynic, but I don’t think it was a coincidence that Camila had a solo and was featured prominently in the front row of this “recital.”

Definitely no coincidence. How dumb does the franchise think its audience is - don't they realize how many Sharleens are watching - we're not all Chelsies - give us a little more credit ABC! And yes, I was craving more Carla. I also knew that however much she claimed to be nervous to meet his parents / daughter - the only person Nikki was thinking about that whole time was Carla. I was surprised and relieved when she brought it up. A sit down would have been amazing, but there's no way it could have been more awkward than the silence of the lambs we saw later in the episode between Clare and Nikki - but more on that in a few paragraphs.

It is so abundantly clear from Sharleen’s goodbye speech to the other ladies that the real relationships are the ones between the contestants. Although it was nice to see no one even try to pretend to be sad to see her go. One more rose up for grabs now!! 

And now for Sharleen and JP’s Subtitled Whisper Breakup. When she said “this is excruciatingly difficult” my first thought was that Juan Pablo has no idea what “excruciating” means (me too!). Case in point: his whole speech to the camera about being honest versus being appreciated. I rewound that speech and watched it three times and still didn’t really understand it. He’s getting more and more ESL by the moment. Ah, well. At least Shar-Shar got to see the Lord of the Rings Hobbit village. I think that was her highlight.

My random thoughts on the group date: 1. We start with more desperate babbling from Chelsie. She knows the writing is on the wall from her brush with elimination last week, so she’s resorted to pimping out her mom to entice Juan to come to hometowns.

Props mean desperation, always have, always will - when you are forcing the connection with a journal, letters from parents, baby photos....you are as good as gone.

2. I wondered when Clare’s dad’s DVD was gonna resurface in conversation. Now I know. Did you watch the teaser from next episode - I think Clare is gonna try and get that DVD out of storage and her mom is like NO FUCKING WAY are we showing the last thing you'll ever hear from your dad to a man with three other girlfriends. And Clare throws a hissy fit because she's a dumb bitch. Oops. Sorry. Also, I think Clare might actually have peed on him in the ocean.

3. Did Juan Pablo bring Renee on this group date and then not even talk to her once? She got her nice dress in Vietnam. That means he can ignore her now, right? Also - do you think if Shar had stayed it would have been Renee and Chelsie who'd be gone now?

4. I love that the plane took off so that everyone could see Juan Pablo and Andi half-naked and canoodling in the ocean. Amazing. This show is nothing if not subtle. Cough.

Andi emerged as potentially one of the final two in my eyes this week. Especially since she wore a dress that was so tight I could see her heart beating. Way to go, Andi. Get your man… while the other girls are fighting back at the hotel room. Since Andi and Nikki are both frontrunners I find their closeness a little confusing. Do they really not care they are dating the same man or are they just better at compartmentalizing?

The Clare-Nikki feud was slow in coming, but I’m really glad it’s happening, because we get lines like this from Nikki about Clare’s family: “She didn’t get crazy all on her own… it had to come from somewhere.” Gold. Also I found out via twitter that the "she's like a dog who peed on him first" line is something Kelly said weeks ago that Nikki was borrowing. You're in our hearts if not on our televisions, Kel."

One of the remaining ladies knows how to do a killer fish tail braid - did you see how many ladies were sporting them this week? Did they ask them to all wear solid jewel tones to this cocktail party?

OMG Renee is even hosting JP! Not just the other ladies but the bach himself. I hope they are paying this woman, she's a single mom after all.

My other favorite moment from the cocktail party was when Chelsie “got up to pee” and Clare totally called out the fact that she didn’t have to pee and that the producers told her to leave so Clare and Nikki could be alone. And alone they were. For 54 silent seconds. (I timed it.) Throw Chelsie a bone with this jewelry conversation, Nikki, she's trying SO HARD. Who the fuck cares what jewelry you wear everyday - she just wants everyone to be happy. Also, okay Chelsie may have had to "pee" but where's everyone else? We already know they are forced to sit there when not with JP and Andi and Renee cannot both be with him so...what the hell ABC? Also did I hear one of these ladies say, "I just burped, sorry"?

Chris Harrison didn’t even come out to do his completely unnecessary “this is the final rose of the evening” announcement. He really must not be a fan of Juan Pablo. I’m gonna ask Google what he really had to say about the ocean sex episode with Clare.

<<<elevator music>>>

Ooh… "When she showed up he was fully into it like this is awesome and sexy and she was as happy as can be and then he turns around and treats her like all of a sudden she did something wrong and broke the rules. It was not only confusing, but it was borderline rude," the Bachelor host said. "We even told him as much, but he didn't see it that way. Even though he apologized later I don't think he really understood how cheap he made her feel. In my deliberation I said, 'You're not getting this, you really hurt her feelings, you need to fix it and apologize.' But there are cultural differences with him and things do get lost in translation and how it's interpreted. It's his perspective; it's not right or wrong. So it made for interesting conversations and I had to learn to stand back a little bit and respect that." (Thanks to Buddy TV for that soundbite.) He also said in his blog on EW.com that “it appears that [Juan Pablo’s] rules are ever-changing here” in response to the weird “no kissing” thing. I love how he becomes all these girls’ older brother.

Chelsie did a good job of staying chipper and holding it together until the limo door closed. Enjoy that bubbly, homegirl. It’s probably your last good champagne for a while. Where did she get that glass of champagne? I thought the bubbly was reserved for girls who were moving forward. Also I just had a horribly depressing thought of these women changing out of cocktail dresses and into sweats in an airport bathroom. 

Next week we’ve got a lot to do -- Hometowns and Fantasy Suites all in one week! And something terrible happens with Andi in the Fantasy Suite. What could it be??? I think it's that JP lets her know his stance on homosexuality.