ANDI: Week 2 "everyone's gay, drunk cousin and the golfer"

shots! shots! shots! shots!

SA: Initial thoughts are that Chris Harrison has been on air more in these two episodes than he was the entirety of last season.

JA: If we were in first grade, Chris would be going through the whole school telling people that Juan Pablo had cooties and that's why he didn't want to play with him. I'm so glad we're back to someone he can stomach.

When the dudes were touring the bachelor mansion and one of them said something ridiculous about being in a house where "so many people" have fallen in love, I thought, five - a house where maybe five people have fallen in love.

Ha! I completely thought that also. I thought it was a place where many more people have contracted herpes. Also, as the morning went on and the guys got ready to see Eric off on his date, I feel like the number of shirts dwindled. I think all 19 of these guys are forced to share the same three shirts.

I can't snark or say anything mean about Andi and Eric's date for obvious reasons. The only thing I thought on the date when they got into the helicopter was, "please don't let the surprise be the hollywood sign" the bachelor uses that one way too often. But then it was snowboarding in Big Bear and Eric was so good at it and cute with Andi and then I got sad all over again.

It was especially eerie  when they had the talk about him being in Syria and how he said goodbye to his parents then to follow it up with her asking if he would risk his life in the same way if he had a family and he said no and that the list of dangerous things he needs to cross off his list before he settles down is getting smaller. Can you imagine this poor boy's parents having to watch this? What a horrific experience for them. Now I know why there were talks of canceling the season.

Can we just impose a moratorium on anything snarky when it comes to Eric? Like, can we just agree that it is always too soon? He was soooo adorable and normal through this date, too. And the date even ended with a fat girl treat for Andi -- s'mores! I am terrified that he's going to get really really far and we might actually meet his parents. I am not even a little bit ready for that.

Before we even get to the group date I thought to myself, "Craig is everyone's drunk cousin".

Then he proved me right. Also, he is kind of like an overgrown drunk child. Sitting criss cross apple sauce on the couch in boat shoes asking who wants shots.

Did you notice that the golfer was always with Craig when he was acting up? They could be an onscreen duo - everyone's gay cousin and the golfer.

Aww, Fia, now I want a gay drunk cousin! I suppose I shall have to bust out the bourbon and become my own gay drunk cousin.

This frat party group date was the frattiest, weirdest, most homoerotic evening since every evening of my dreams. Just kidding, dear readers. I don't want you to get the impression that I find this behavior at all enjoyable or desirable outside the safe, cozy, rose-petal-strewn confines of the ABC network. But this Magic Mike group date is taking ManCandyMonday to a whole new level. Craig is always drunk. And Fia, the fact that you called it "criss cross apple sauce" reminded me of your long and illustrious career as a nanny. Because you know we all grew up referring to it with the much less PC term "Indian style."

Oh, no. Andi does not have time for this BS. She's trying to have a convo with the Israeli guy from Barbados and can't concentrate bc of the all the fratting around going on downstairs. Marcus manages to calm her down and snag the group rose but really, that group rose belonged to Marcus from the time she declared him the solo dancing because she thought he could, "handle it".

Completely. You know how sometimes, a group rose is a "just don't fuck this up and it's yours" rose? That was Marcus tonight. This group date made me realize how into him she is.

But not even Marcus and his good intentions could stop Hurricane Craig from destroying the evening with his shots of Fireball (which he later called Firefly, but I went back and reviewed the tape and it was indeed Fireball...but who knows, he may also have been drinking Firefly too). But Craig is just following a prestigious tradition of alcoholic meltdowns during Week Two. Just last season it was everyone's favorite bathroom-dweller, Victoria. 

I wish we'd had more Sharleen / Kelly commentary. Me too!! One of my favorite moments of the whole show was during Magic Mike when Andi leans over and goes, "That's Brian. He's a teacher." And Kelly says, "I'll let him teach ME!" The thing I love about Kelly is that she's always a good time and she's not afraid to drool all over a boy, even if that same boy is competing to become your fiancé.

Also did you notice how JP's gf was missing from their fierce foursome reunion? Do you think it's because she was unavailable or because JP forbid her from having anything to do with the show. Or does ABC want us to pretend last season never happened?

Yeah, I totally think any appearance by Nikki would be a grim reminder that somewhere out there, so many awful besitos are happening. Ess okay.

This race track date is pretty cute even though there is no way Andi is ending up with the farmer.

I don't know why, but I had a surprising amount of side-eye for this race track date. On one hand, I get it -- ABC has to save all their money for the upcoming exotic destinations and generous supply of Fantasy Suite condoms, so in the early weeks we are forced to watch everyone go on odd dates at L.A. tourist traps. But this seemed so unimaginative, even for The Bachelor/ette. They just happened to sit next to an older couple who've been together forever? Lucky coincidence! Glad the cameras caught it! Please -- those old people are definitely SAG-eligible at least.

Josh M. is playing the game really well. I don't believe for a second he hasn't dated in 5 years. Andi is right to be cautious but we already know that he's her type and he snags a kiss at the rose ceremony w/o even a one on one to warm her up. This guy is #trouble.

I literally wrote in my notes "Oh boy - Josh M is gonna be trouble." Anyone who believes he's been single for 5 years should send $5000 to a Nigerian prince.

Also, even though I had no doubt Andi was gonna keep Marquel, he and I are breaking up. His cocktail party suit was instantly disqualifying. Plaid shirt, floral tie, striped socks? Who are you, Harrison from Scandal?!? Someone go get a spoon for my mouth, because I just had a seizure.